Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

Hope, you know the most important are actions. Actions are the proof. If he takes responsibility for his anger issues it’s a good start. If you see he doesn’t see it, there’s the problem.

Sadly, I know this. If he cannot own up to it, I have to leave.

What I’m worried about is that you seem to be scared of telling him. Am I wrong? Noone deserves to live with fear.
I’ve been all my life since my adolescence with fears. Fears to be socially inept. And it’s so hard.
I guess you feel kind of similar since from your posts I knew you had PTSD.

Well, my PTSD gets triggered when he yells at me. So I'm worried about being able to firmly tell him this when my PTSD is triggered.

I am scared only because I fear he won't fight for us or for me and that means the marriage needs to end. I do love him still. Even though that love has waned, I do love him.

I am in a weird emotional mind-F right now. Today I wrote to a close girlfriend of mine, seemingly all happy and bouncy one minute, then telling her what a wreck I am in the next. My emotions are going haywire.

I'm very frustrated. I went to Facebook support groups for women in abusive relationships, and I'm getting bad advice. One woman suggested I stop talking to him, that I sleep in a separate bedroom and stop communicating with him entirely. Not what I wish to do right now, and NOT helpful.

Then a close girlfriend suggests that I not mention divorce the next time this happens, and to leave it open ended if he doesn't get help? How would that make any changes? That is no longer an ultimatum.

Why can't people outside of PC just support me in my plight? I wasn't looking for advice on how to approach this. I already have a plan. I was looking for moral support!

It's just really frustrating - I feel like women who are also in abusive relationships are of no help. Again, I am talking about these Facebook groups where I am trying to get support.

And my girlfriend? She's telling me not to grieve right now. I just don't understand some people. I AM grieving. This is my process. This is what I am going through right now. I am preparing myself mentally and emotionally to have to leave him, and naturally, I am in part grieving over that right now. Why is it SO hard for people to just support someone? Not talking about PC.

I will mention divorce because I will leave him if he doesn't get help. That will be my next step.

I don't see any other way to approach this when I'm at the end of my rope, and when I told him we would have a serious problem IF it happens even one more time.

Last night, he tried to downplay our fights. He tried to claim that we've had only 5 real fights. We've fought a LOT more than that. I think he's prepping himself to claim that he doesn't cause problems in this relationship. He's already rewriting history. He's downplayed the fights that happened on our honeymoon too.

I don't see how this is ever going to improve. He's already battling to rewrite history. I think he will deny he has a problem and will refuse therapy and then I will have to leave.

sending hugs

Is he seeing fights as something different than how you see it? Are those fights or disagreements? Some couples fight a lot and don’t consider it a fight, just business as usual. Or he thinks fights are some extreme things? If your husband previously had volatile marriage, what you guys have he might just view as minor bickering

That's a really good question. He did not include certain fights he said. He didn't think those were real fights. I, however, count them all as fights whenever it's become very heated and whenever he's raised his voice at me.

Of course, it's now difficult for me to remember all instances.... it feels like there's been more than enough for me to want to walk away though if he cannot make important and necessary changes. I guess that's all that matters.

I spoke with my therapist today. He was very helpful and we scheduled another call for next Wed.

I feel encouraged by his words. He said I am very brave to be facing all that I am, though I don't feel brave. I need more courage. I am resolute in what I need and want to do, but I need the courage.

I am feeling less and less like there's any hope. I really think he will refuse therapy and that he'll refuse to see he has a problem OR that he IS the problem.

I am most saddened by this thought.

Therapy, individual or couples, only works if a person wants to go. Do you want couples therapy or just him to go? Or both?

He won't want to go, I can tell you that, and I know this already. He would go only if he truly wants to salvage the marriage and hold onto me.

I would go with him to a couples therapist.

I hope he agrees. I’d say he’d not benefit from individual therapy if he doesn’t want to go because he won’t address what needs to be addressed. Couple therapy might be a better idea if he agrees

It's the only way. He will manipulate the therapist otherwise and will lie and will blame me for everything. I have to be present.

I know you already know it but if you word that you both together need to see someone to help you improve on things.

Well, my stance is that I am not taking responsibility for HIS issues. HE is the problem in the relationship. Sure, I know there are some things I do that irritate him, but we've discussed those things. Anyways, he needs to admit he has a problem AND agree to getting help. I am only going with him because we are married. If we weren't married, I would have left long ago.

Oh I understand. But I thought to say that it’s for the benefit of the marriage just to get him on board otherwise he’d be all defensive. Not sure. I hope he does the right thing.

Yes, that part I agree with. I will definitely put it that way to him when it's time.