My sister's Toxic Boyfriend help!

So my sister's boyfriend we name him Roy told me I was "f***ing child". Because what happened was my sister or Roy or both. Put objects to keep the door open when they slept last night. Because I would close the door and roll up the towel against the bottom of their door. So I can prevent Roy's snoring sound. He snores really loudly. My mum can hear him from upstairs through the floors!

I know I wont be able to sleep with Roy snoring with there bedroom door open.So I put on socks on my feet so they cant hear me and slowly move the objects. I was really nervous to do this. My fiancee told me how to walk carefully so they can't hear me.When I got to the big object which was the fan.
My sister heard me and said "dont close the door." So I just ignored her and move the fan and close the door carefully. So I got up and I ran to my bedroom. Because I get scared when my sister gets angry.She raised her voice said she will keep the door open. I said to her trying to keep calm. I cant sleep nor can mt fiancee with Roy's snoring. She said don't close the door the room gets hot.
I said to her well open the window? And she said no it's cold ,you close your door and have the towel rolled up. I said to her we have try that and it doesnt work. Which is true. So she said "well if you close the door I will open it again". I didnt know what to do at the time. She was yelling at me and I felt threaten. So I just closed the door and held the door handle. Not the most effective way to solve a issue. But I was very heighten emotionally and couldnt think clearly when you feel threaten. My sister said "oh so you gonna keep the door close the whole night. I didnt said anything.Then Roy said "Stop being a ****ing Child PinkMarshMallow " I said "I cant sleep with your snoring" and he said "stop being a ****ing child PinkMarshMallow" I said to him "I never speak to you that way" which is true. I've never swore at him or call him names.
Then he said "stop being a child, go to bed" so I said to him "you stop being a child" right now I'm just very hurt. So I went to mum and woke her up and told her. She said she has enough of him and he is moving out. I dont know how true that is.
My mum changes her mind a lot so you can't keep her word on things.
I went and cry in the living room. My fiancee came out wondering what is wrong. I told him. He went to Roy and said "sorry dont mean to bother you, but don't ever swear to PinkMarshMallow again". When he did went off to speak to Russell. I went outside and sat on the stairs incase it becomes a huge fight. I felt really scared. Well , my fiancee came to see me after that it take a while for me not to believe I'm not a "f***ng child" it still goes over my head the words like a broken record.

I am afarid my mum will be manipulated by my and Roy and I be veiw as the bad guy because this has happened.
I don't trust Roy because he has broken up with my sister 5 times in their 4 year realtionship. He has moved out of my mother's house more than once and come back and pulled my sister in the realtionship through him having suicidal thoughts. Once they are together again the suicidal threats stop. He is on ACC, and hasnt work for about a year. He drinks a lot of alcohol and smokes weed. He always breaks up with my sister on the month of her birthday. Really werid.
That's there history anyway..

I don't want to talk to Roy anymore , and ignore him because that was last straw for me.
I feel really scared I be disowned by my own family. Because I've had experiences where he has got my own mother and sister to turn against me.

I just say this to give an idea to his odd behavior.
Okay - so recently the house cat named Sooty. His back tooth needs to be pulled out. It came to our attention because he had stinky breath and I have him a cat treat and he didnt eat all of I notice blood.
I take him to the vet and the tooth was going to cost $500 to get it taken out. My mum kinda complain how expensive it was.
The next day I just told Roy how crazy the price is for such a small little tooth of a cat. Then he said "your sister needs to take responsibility and pay for the cat tooth"
He then said this to my mother as well. Then late that evening my sister came in saying "I heard you are saggy (means upset) to pay for Sooty" mum said she wasnt.
I then told my sister the turth later on when Roy wasnt around and she was really upset.
So this Roy guy in my conclusion lies and tells stories and trys to manipulate people to get what he wants.
I don't know if he is narcissistic or borderline personality disorder or even both. But he got some issues.

I don't really know how to handle the situation.
My mother just feels sorry for him because apparently he was upset and stay up all night so he wouldn't snore.
How feelings are everything to him.

Okay, I have to ask because if everyone is old enough to have fiances and boyfriends, why are all these adults living in the same house and acting like this? Can't you move and get your own place? Why is everyone living with your mother?

Good question..

Okay, so I use to work but I lost my job 4 years ago due to discrimination. Then my mental health went down hill and I've been going to therapy for 4 years. I experience borderline personality disorder. Just now I've been looking into career work now.
My fiancee he is working but part time and is working on himself to find a better income job. He went through a lot of trauma in restuarant his parents brought and force upon him and his brother and then had to sale because they wernt making money. He working on himself sering therapist.

My sister actually earns alot of money to move out with. But choses not too. As to why? I dont know.

Her boyfriend he has a hurt his back and so... he on some goverment thing that gives you money if you are unwell to work.

So that is the story.

At least your sister works and her boyfriend brings government subsidy in as a contribution.

You and your fiancé. don’t work at all? Well he does but only part time? Going to therapy is what people do while also having a full time job. I don’t know anyone who can afford just going to therapy and not work. If you are too unwell to work you need to be on disability and receive money from government too. Who supports you two? Who pays for food? Internet? Furniture? 4 years is a long time to not work

If my daughter or my stepdaughter were in a bad situation and needed temporary place to stay of course they’d be welcome to stay with us (not if they choose not to work). But they sure wouldn’t be allowed to bring some men with them. If people can play house, meaning cohabitate with someone, they can get their own place. I am shocked your mother allows all of this

You woke your mother up to complain? All of you do behave like children. If everyone is an adult, everyone needs to ger a job or disability and move out.

One thing that needs to happen is when you are an adult you have to support yourself. Whether that means working or getting government assistance, one or the other needs to happen. Borderline personality disorder does not render a person incapable of work. Adults also do not behave in the way all of you are, with doors and towels and bickering. And as far as a "last straw," your mother is the only person entitled to have one, as it's her house.

Start taking steps to become independent and you can keep all the doors closed and block all of them with towels as much as you want. Right now, you don't get to.

I been though that. Call the police on her fiance. File a restraining order against him. Tell them he threaten to committed suicide and he threaten you. Start making report without leaving your name. Do this enough time he will start thinking that he being watch. Adam your neighbor to call the cops. Tell your sister she need to grow up and smell the coffee and get rid of this addict who need to go get professional mental help.

Start looking for a place and don't let them know where you moved to.

I appreciate you reading my big long message and taking the time to read it thankyou.
It's just when you said " All of you do behave like children." I felt really judge and hurt and ashamed. I don't feel heard at all. I understand that may be you hold vaules of a house hold and family dearly in your heart. I can see and appreciate that.
But at the same time I feel not heard at all just judge. I would really appreciate it if I could explain the situation clearly without being judged.
Thank you.

As to your question who pays for food, therapy and the goverment.
I do get money from the goverment for my mental health. The goverment hear supports free therapy here is your mental health is really bad. So that's how I've been able to get to therapy.
My partner and I pay for our own food.

I haven't been able to work for 4 years because I had unhelpful thoughts that risk taking my life and self harm. The frist 2 years of therapy I was given a student therapist that didn't have experience or skills to help me with my daignoses. At the time I didnt know you could change therapist or speak to people further up. It was very much they don't let you know you have these rights as a client. So all I could do was give a letter to my therapist to read because I try verbally to him but he didnt seem to understand. He eventually graduated after 2 years. Those 2 years affected my mental health greatly made my symptoms worse.
Well it seem finally the mental health system notice this. So I was given a lovely, skilled psychologist. The treatment program I undergo to treatment for Borderline personality disorder which is called Dailet Behaviour Therapy. The treatment is roughly 2 years.
You go to group therapy which is DBT group therapy every once a week for 2 hours and then individual therapy during that week for an hour. So it's pretty full on.
That why it had taken me 4 years to get where I am to be ready to work again. I hope that makes things more clearly.

Thank you for understanding I really appreciate that *hugs* sorry you had to go through smiliar thing too.
I don't know if me calling the pocile would make things worse. I mean I don't know when he is suicidal I only get told aftermath afterwards.

Well excatly he kinda refusing to get help fully.
I know he is on antidepressants but so am I anyway. But he hasnt fully accepted that he has.big issues and really needs help. I understand that is hard to accept that. But it's better to get help than suffering you know.

The realtionship isnt heathly. I mean my mother cooks dinner for them mostly all the time. Where as my fiancee and I cook for ourselves. My sister will make him a bath to use or have to remind him to have a shower.
If my sister says could you cook tonight he says no.

My mother feels sorry for him for what he went through in his childhood but she uses that to excuse his behavior to be abusive.
I dont think she sees that at all.

When you have mental health challenges, it is best to keep your situation simple for less stress. Until the covid mess, where a down economy may require a lot of people to live together (and people can still have a really tiny apartment with no bedrooms), it is better to avoid putting this kind of stress on yourself. Getting along with that many people would be hard for people not challenged by mental illness. Since we are in very challenging times, it would probably be best to have a family meeting to discuss cutting down on bickering and other friction--none of you can afford not getting along. Make some house rules. Decide who is in charge of making what decisions and stick to that for everyone's benefit. There might be some rule amongst those of you who are related that you can vote to ask someone to leave if they cause too much trouble.
Hugs and good luck. Things will get better. Make goals and work towards them. Decide how you really want your life to be and make it happen. Dont be a victim.You can take free classes to get online work. Thanks, I need to follow my own advice about avoiding bickering in my family and working towards my goals that will make me happy. Hugs!

It might be a good idea to apply for government housing (if you haven't already). It's not a short term solution but something you can look towards in the near future.

I suspect your brother in law is still living there because they're both financially contributing to the household, relieving some stress on your mom.

As for his snoring, maybe your sister can help address that issue. It could be a sleep apnea issue or a deviated septum, with a medical solution so everyone can get a good sleep.

Your sister's window.. if it's too hot to sleep with the door shut, it can't be too cold to sleep with the window open a slight. Talk with her again about it and see if you can all compromise.

Yeah I get goverment money for my mental health too. Myself and my fiancee buy our own food and cook our own dinners.

Well yeah I did thought it had to be some kind of sleep apnea. He sleeps a lot even through out the day.

Excatly, if it's too hot to have bedroom shut then it cant be too cold to have window slightly open.
Yeah..its kinda hard to talk to her. I get quit scares because she gets really defences and aggressive very quickly. So I'm.not sure how to communicate. I have try my DBT therapy communication even that doesnt work on my sister or mum. They think it's some mainpulation to say how you "feel"

I didn't mean "income" for food. I meant "low income housing" for you both to live in. There are waitlists you'd qualify for.. and due to your status of being considered "homeless" you may be able to access emergency shelter. Have you looked into this yet?

Are you in New Zealand?

Do you have an opportunity to get subsidized housing, municipal flat, some type of temporary shelter? You made several threads about bad situations at mothers house. For whatever reason your mother allows her adult children to bring all these unrelated people in, boyfriends and fiancées, and it clearly causes problems? And she doesn’t seem to be able to stop her adult children and all these people fighting in her house.

Have you talked to government officials or mental health agencies about other opportunities/places to live? If all of you are unwell and unable to have a full time job (except your sister) perhaps you can qualify for government subsidized places to live.

I’d start looking. Let us know if you need help with that

I'm sorry that you had to experience that.

All you have to do is call the cops an say he threaten to committed suicide when he is in a rage they don't have to know that you call. You should ask him how you are the child when he can't take a bath or a shower and adult can do things like that for themselves.