[whereisthesun]

Hi all,

I‘ve been with my partner for several years , we have a child together. Knowing and understanding the fact that my partner has a very unstable and high in stress type of job I’ve been trying to be as supportive as I can and I’m trying to communicate with him as best as I can.

Though as of late, weÂ’re back in this slippery downhill and this time round IÂ’m lacking the energy since I get to be over anxious .

Last year when I was pregnant I felt at a lost with how he was reacting and coping with certain realities of life :
- at work things werenÂ’t going well, so he often got sick (would vomit before a shift) , would Have migraines , many headaches that would keep him in bed or he just needed to self isolate. Also he has this constant need to play video games . In trying to communicate with him to see where the issue was he denied anything was wrong . Recently he confirmed that he was having a hard time.
- Also , while I was pregnant I also felt disrespected. He never really cared for me. When I was sick twice during my pregnancy, he never supported me but ended up isolating or having migraines those same days. When I had appointments at the drs , before or after he would again mention he felt ill or would have a migraine. And throughout my pregnancy I worked and commuted like crazy and got up very early and I would still do everything for him.
- My parents were often with us to help and he would barely ever talk or be kind to them and seemed frustrated.

This year, things were better . We had communicated enormously and we both said we would see to work things out.

But weÂ’re now back to square one..

-This month has been an up and down on how he feels : headaches and migraines are back . HeÂ’s self isolating again. Hes uninterested in family activities though pushes himself to be around though heÂ’s moody when he is with us. And often he would rather for us to do things when he wants but with a kid it canÂ’t always be that way. So this month IÂ’ve tried communicating again with him to see what was going on . At first he told me that work was stressing him out . Then he mentioned he was overwhelmed. I mentioned to him that itÂ’s ok to reach out for help, that there are so many ressources etc etc and fully supported him.

Yesterday he mentioned to me that he wanted a whole day to himself on his days off where he can just game. For every single week. And I never confirmed anything because I was overtired since our baby is up early.

So today, before he was about to go to work I was faced with him being ill again. He mentioned having diarrhea through the night and then suddenly he felt like he was going to be sick , which he did . Then took the day off ..

So my brain is in overthinking mode again thinking is this his reaction to me not answering him yesterday for his gaming days when heÂ’s off ? And what can I do for us to move through this hardship and not sink ..

I get over anxious when heÂ’s feeling this way and I keep thinking is this good for our baby ? Because it sucks all of my energy and makes me overthink everything..I feel like I canÂ’t savor these precious days , just like I couldnÂ’t savor my pregnancy and I wish I could sympathize more but how can I when itÂ’s rarely reciprocal

Ps : He has been doing a lot of night shifts , and this has been happening before covid . Things are really going well here with covid too and it never has been something that bothered him and especially not today ..

[MsLady]

Do you think it's worthwhile for him to see a doctor about his chronic migraines, vomiting, and stomach upsets? Maybe he's dealing with a food allergy or intolerance. I have food sensitivities and if I eat something with MSG, I'll get strong headaches and vomiting.

I agree with you, these behaviours are and will greatly impact your child.

I'd suggest couples counseling, as well.

I think it's reasonable for him to ask for some alone time per week to do as he pleases. I do think taking a full day on a weekend is pushing it. Would that leave you to care for your child 6/7 days? That doesn't sound right. Perhaps you can both come to a compromise so you're BOTH getting some alone time.

[whereisthesun]

Ms Lady,

Thank you for replying to my message , I greatly appreciate it.
I’ve asked him to go and see a doctor multiple times and he won’t do anything to help himself. Yesterday when I mentioned he needed to see a doctor he said that with covid nothing’s open , but I don’t think that’s the case , things are slowly starting to reopen here . He also mentioned that the doctors would dismiss him since it’s just migraines . He’s been saying that every time .
As for food allergies, I’m unsure if that could be the case , he’s always eating or drinking things that aren’t good for him though I do provide healthy meals .
So he’s not sick every day but if it were msg related I think he’d be sick more often because he’s having lots ramen as snacks.
As for the time alone he wants , he’s working different shifts and more intense shifts so he’s off 4 days at a time. So I guess I can be flexible and say ok for one whole day .. he was ready to compromise and make sure to either make the meals or make sure to bathe our child ..

[IceCreamKid]

What would you like to receive here on this forum? Advice? Emotional support? Or an answer to your question "Am I overthinking?" I can provide an answer to your question. Babies require tender loving care seven days a week. Preferably by both parents. So, no, you're not overthinking anything. And, even though you didn't ask: Because your baby's father could have something serious, at the very least he should call his doctor and describe his symptoms.

[downandlonely]

I don't think you're overthinking. And while we all need some alone time, an entire day every week when you have a young child to care for is a bit much. Is he helping out with the baby much?

[whereisthesun]

So my partners schedules are dense so he has 4 days off every week . So I guess I could be flexible in giving him the time that he needs . I understand he’s doing a lot of night shifts , I know it’s draining , I know he’s doing a lot for us. but at the same time I don’t want this to become a vicious cycle where I’m getting less and less of him . And I just wish he could communicate with me instead of getting himself so sick .

And I’m looking for advice and emotional support ..

Thank you for all of your replies thus far , knowing I’m not crazy I guess is a good first step.

[whereisthesun]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

I don't think you're overthinking. And while we all need some alone time, an entire day every week when you have a young child to care for is a bit much. Is he helping out with the baby much?

He was helping with the baby, after a lot of communication he was helping more , making meals and giving our child baths . He was trying to be more positive ( he would get up every morning in a negative vibe , seemed unhappy ) . He seems to enjoy our child more too . So I was extremely happy for that change . Even though he wasn’t full of energy ( he often watches tv or sits around with our child ). I have to push him to go for walks . Now that I think of it, I think his mentality to days off are : I’ve worked a lot , I deserve all the respite that I need . He does , but I don’t think gaming should be number one on the list . Especially when he’s so ill at times .

[divine1966]

He needs to see a doctor about his stomach issues and maybe a therapist to address his video game addiction and him being moody and disinterested to be around his family. No you aren’t overthinking. I’d not find such things acceptable in my home either so I understand you are being concerned

[whereisthesun]

Originally Posted by divine1966

He needs to see a doctor about his stomach issues and maybe a therapist to address his video game addiction and him being moody and disinterested to be around his family. No you aren’t overthinking. I’d not find such things acceptable in my home either so I understand you are being concerned

I’ve just thought also that he recently made some new friends at work that game too , some have no children ( he’s playing mostly with them ) and some are do have kids but aren’t playing as much . So I think that’s what sparked this whole thing ?

And thank you for your words , I truly appreciate it .

[divine1966]

If he has 4 days off and normally works nights I’d say it is ok to have one day to himself. He does need to unwind.

[whereisthesun]

Originally Posted by divine1966

If he has 4 days off and normally works nights I’d say it is ok to have one day to himself. He does need to unwind.

Thank you Divine for your support, I truly appreciate it.

I think I’ll start with that ( the day off ) talk some more with him . See if he’s ok of just seeing a doc once , And hopefully things will get better .

[MsLady]

Originally Posted by whereisthesun

Ms Lady,

Thank you for replying to my message , I greatly appreciate it.
I’ve asked him to go and see a doctor multiple times and he won’t do anything to help himself. Yesterday when I mentioned he needed to see a doctor he said that with covid nothing’s open , but I don’t think that’s the case , things are slowly starting to reopen here . He also mentioned that the doctors would dismiss him since it’s just migraines . He’s been saying that every time .
As for food allergies, I’m unsure if that could be the case , he’s always eating or drinking things that aren’t good for him though I do provide healthy meals .
So he’s not sick every day but if it were msg related I think he’d be sick more often because he’s having lots ramen as snacks.
As for the time alone he wants , he’s working different shifts and more intense shifts so he’s off 4 days at a time. So I guess I can be flexible and say ok for one whole day .. he was ready to compromise and make sure to either make the meals or make sure to bathe our child ..

I would recommend a homeopathic doctor, then. Traditional doctors don't understand this as much. He can probably connect with one via video chat.

In my experience, my body works on a tolerance level.. each "illegal" food having its own limit. For example, if I consume one offending food, I may notice symptoms instantly. Yet with other offending foods, it could take several days or uses for the symptoms to showcase itself.

I'd suggest an elimination diet, too, to filter out what foods is causing what. The idea is to eliminate most common food allergens (dairy, grains, soy, corn, sugars, etc) for two weeks. Then, one by one, slowly reintroduce each item in large quantities. You'll notice a reaction between 4min to 4days (so choose one item per week). It's a lot of work but so is the life you're both dealing with right now.

Another thing to consider is heavy-metals detox. I've used Advanced TRS and flatlined my toxicity levels to a near 0 (and I mean 0.342, as an example) for all of the metals on the panel. Just something to think about.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by whereisthesun

So my partners schedules are dense so he has 4 days off every week . So I guess I could be flexible in giving him the time that he needs . I understand he’s doing a lot of night shifts , I know it’s draining , I know he’s doing a lot for us. but at the same time I don’t want this to become a vicious cycle where I’m getting less and less of him . And I just wish he could communicate with me instead of getting himself so sick .

And I’m looking for advice and emotional support ..

Thank you for all of your replies thus far , knowing I’m not crazy I guess is a good first step.

A baby is more important than a video game. No one should put a child on pause; children need their parents everyday. I figured you'd say he refused to go to the doctor; that is why I suggested he call. There may be something in his symptoms that says something to a nurse or doctor or physician's assistant, and they might be able to suggest a plan of action over the phone (tracking how often he is sick, for example.) His health is important not just for himself but for the sake of his child. Having a baby changes everything. This isn't to say we can't have hobbies, work, etc. But our lives can no longer be lived completely selfishly. And long term, if his job is so horribly stressful and draining, then the longterm goal should be to plan to pursue work that allows for more life/work balance. I wish you the very best. I hope in addition to all this worrying about him you are taking care of yourself, too.

[whereisthesun]

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

A baby is more important than a video game. No one should put a child on pause; children need their parents everyday. I figured you'd say he refused to go to the doctor; that is why I suggested he call. There may be something in his symptoms that says something to a nurse or doctor or physician's assistant, and they might be able to suggest a plan of action over the phone (tracking how often he is sick, for example.) His health is important not just for himself but for the sake of his child. Having a baby changes everything. This isn't to say we can't have hobbies, work, etc. But our lives can no longer be lived completely selfishly. And long term, if his job is so horribly stressful and draining, then the longterm goal should be to plan to pursue work that allows for more life/work balance. I wish you the very best. I hope in addition to all this worrying about him you are taking care of yourself, too.

Again thank you for your wisdom, I’ve only recently started to really take care of myself , truly . I’ve noticed I couldn’t keep on going the way I was because I also matter and our little one needs someone stable and reliable and gosh do I love our little one to pieces , I want to provide the very best. I’ve also contacted a therapist today for myself to cope with all the stress . So I’ll keep everything up.

And I think I’ll be mentioning to him exactly what you’ve written to me .. you’re absolutely right . And that’s how I was raised and it’s so hard on me to see someone who’s only interested in being involved when he wants.

The gaming aspect , I’ve come to think about it today but I know his friends are influencing him, telling him it’s normal to have me time So gaming all day is ok , he mentioned it to me the day before he was sick .

[whereisthesun]

Originally Posted by MsLady

I would recommend a homeopathic doctor, then. Traditional doctors don't understand this as much. He can probably connect with one via video chat.

In my experience, my body works on a tolerance level.. each "illegal" food having its own limit. For example, if I consume one offending food, I may notice symptoms instantly. Yet with other offending foods, it could take several days or uses for the symptoms to showcase itself.

I'd suggest an elimination diet, too, to filter out what foods is causing what. The idea is to eliminate most common food allergens (dairy, grains, soy, corn, sugars, etc) for two weeks. Then, one by one, slowly reintroduce each item in large quantities. You'll notice a reaction between 4min to 4days (so choose one item per week). It's a lot of work but so is the life you're both dealing with right now.

Another thing to consider is heavy-metals detox. I've used Advanced TRS and flatlined my toxicity levels to a near 0 (and I mean 0.342, as an example) for all of the metals on the panel. Just something to think about.

WoW thank you for all of that info, I wasn’t at all aware so maybe there is a link to all of it ?

I do though stress that it might be psychological as well though.. due to his stress / anxiety / issues with coping ( work and my pregnancy at the time ) .

But , I’ll be sitting down with him soon and will again tell him he needs medical advice and I think it’s worth mentioning and checking with a homeopathic doctor. I’m open to any suggestion !!

[sarahsweets]

I am not trying to make anyone who believes in dietary/heavy metal detoxes feel bad or anything like that I just wanted to share some info I had about this fad. I am sharing it because just like in politics there is misinformation, data skewing and also there is a profit motive from the homepathic industry just like any other industry.

You can’t detox your body. It’s a myth. So how do you get healthy? | Life and style | The Guardian

If toxins did build up in a way your body couldn’t excrete, he says, you’d likely be dead or in need of serious medical intervention. “The healthy body has kidneys, a liver, skin, even lungs that are detoxifying as we speak,” he says. “There is no known way – certainly not through detox treatments – to make something that works perfectly well in a healthy body work better.”

With celebrity advocates from Gwyneth Paltrow to Oprah Winfrey, detoxing has become big business. Rich Peppiatt thinks he’s found the solution to our detoxing obsession … and it tastes a bit like liquified animal.
Much of the sales patter revolves around “toxins”: poisonous substances that you ingest or inhale. But it’s not clear exactly what these toxins are. If they were named they could be measured before and after treatment to test effectiveness. Yet, much like floaters in your eye, try to focus on these toxins and they scamper from view. In 2009, a network of scientists assembled by the UK charity Sense about Science contacted the manufacturers of 15 products sold in pharmacies and supermarkets that claimed to detoxify. The products ranged from dietary supplements to smoothies and shampoos. When the scientists asked for evidence behind the claims, not one of the manufacturers could define what they meant by detoxification, let alone name the toxins.

Yet, inexplicably, the shelves of health food stores are still packed with products bearing the word “detox” – it’s the marketing equivalent of drawing go-faster stripes on your car. You can buy detoxifying tablets, tinctures, tea bags, face masks, bath salts, hair brushes, shampoos, body gels and even hair straighteners. Yoga, luxury retreats, and massages will also all erroneously promise to detoxify. You can go on a seven-day detox diet and you’ll probably lose weight, but that’s nothing to do with toxins, it’s because you would have starved yourself for a week.

Many of our consumer decisions, he adds, are made in ignorance and supposition, which is rarely challenged or informed. “People assume that the world is carefully regulated and that there are benign institutions guarding them from making any kind of errors. A lot of marketing drip-feeds that idea, surreptitiously. So if people see somebody with apparently the right credentials, they think they’re listening to a respectable medic and trust their advice.”

“Ask trading standards what they’re doing about it. Anyone who says, ‘I have a detox treatment’ is profiting from a false claim and is by definition a crook. And it shouldn’t be left to scientists and charities to go after crooks.”

To be clear, before information was lightening fast and before people realized that the internet could be manipulated into supporting dangerous or disproven theories/treatments/diets, I fell prey to some of the milder claims. The detox diet that is based on removing something from the body that cant possibly be removed, the 3 day diet for weight loss. I was scared of high colonics yet I wondered if it would help. I have read a lot about theories and detoxes that when examined are dangerous or unproven. In fact there is a dangerous practice of chelation therapy being used for autism.

Chelation therapy supposedly removes mercury from the body, which chelation supporters say cures autism — but there's no evidence of a link between mercury exposure and autism. In addition, chelation therapy can be associated with serious side effects, including potentially deadly kidney damage.Nov 23, 2016

Homeopathic/naturalpath types of theories are widespread. This not to say I am not a disbeliever in people's experiences or that anything natural or supplements or whatever is all harmful- I take tons of vitamins to make up for what I do not absorb due to gastric bypass.
I simply believe that evidence isnt always there to support the claims. There is a high level of distrust recently of the medical industry. Many people will say there is only a profit motive and conspiracy wise- that the medical community has some nefarious goal. There is a difference between being distrustful of standard medicine and completely ignoring peer reviewed scholarly articles and studies. "Big Pharma" is a common catch all way of dismissing medical advice or literature. Of course "Big Pharma" is out for profit-take a look at the oxycontin lawsuits- and the patent process and lack of profit caps or deregulation makes everything seem jaded. But that doesnt mean medicine or standard medical practice is all wrong.
It ultimately comes down to what works for the person. If someone wants to try dangerous treatments I cant stop them. I can share my opinion but I do not believe in banning things outright. Just consider all the evidence when you look for treatments for medical or mental illnesses.
Some people will say its their body and they are not harming anyone but when that individual treatment is shared on the internet and influences people to either rebuke standard science or discount anything coming from your basic doctor- then I get concerned. I do not make it my business to tell everyone all the time how I feel about this but when it comes to new or worsening medical conditions i feel I should share my opinion about it out of common concern. What I ultimately mean is check with your medical doctor about the safety of things like heavy metal detox, detox diets, elimination diets, etc.

[divine1966]

I agree with sarasweets. It’s incredibly dangerous to blindly follow pseudoscience and whatever is there on the Internet. It meant to lure people in and spend money on things that weren’t researched enough to prove they are really safe. Check with his doctor first. If he doesn’t even know what’s wrong with him for sure, it’s too dangerous to experiment with whatever new fads are on the Internet

[MsLady]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I agree with sarasweets. It’s incredibly dangerous to blindly follow pseudoscience and whatever is there on the Internet.

I agree. Whatever advice peaks your interest, please do a thorough research on the product/therapy.

[MsLady]

With regards to chelation (heavy-metals) therapy, it can be dangerous. The heavy-metals detox I used was not a chelation therapy. If you're interested, PM me and I can give you the name of it so you can do your own research on it. I used it, my partner used it and my 3yr old used it.. with zero side effects. It brought my high numbers down to almost zero. It also helped remove biofilm out of my daughter. Again, it's not a chelation therapy that's traditionally being used.

The GAPS Diet has a history and reputation. The doctor recommends we go slowly and to listen to our bodies. It's not a fad diet. It's a dietary healing protocol that was originally used for patients with schizophrenia (way back in the day). A doctor revised it a bit. My entire family saw gains with this program, and all for different reasons. It really just promotes a balance between meat and vegetables, while eliminating all processed and unnatural foods.

The elimination diet is to assess what food sensitivities affect an individual. It's very personal. It's also a temporary diet until you can figure out which foods are triggering. I did this with my son. I removed cow milk for 2 weeks. His diarrhea and meltdowns went away. Daycare staff (19 yrs ago) said he behaved like a different person. I didn't tell them I was doing this, initially. I had just told him to give him snacks from his lunch bag, only. After 2 weeks, I reintroduced cow milk. Not only did his diarrhea return, but his meltdowns did, too.. which were far more intense because he hadn't drank milk in 2 weeks and I was then giving it to him in larger quantities. So, it was safe to say, cow milk was a trigger food for him.

Be careful, for sure. Do your research!
Good luck!

[sarahsweets]

I am only sharing this to offer information about this diet and the science behind it. This doesnt mean that people who have tried it havent experienced a good outcome. But as far as treating mental health disorders there is no evidence that any sort of elimination diet can treat mental health, brain disorders. It may help people who have food allergies or sensitivities but as it pertains to the brain there isnt enough science to support the claims and can sometimes prevent people from trying proven medical interventions. Do I think there is a connection between what we use to fuel out bodies and our well being? I think its possible. But to promote it as a cure or treatment for certain conditions I believe can be dangerous and can sometimes cause people not to seek proper treatment.

Here’s the catch: very little research has been done on this diet, and of the studies that have been done, no signs point to the curative claims touted by Dr. Campbell-McBride. Read on to find out what you should know before jumping on the GAPS train.Does the GAPS diet actually cure disease?
There’s zero data out there supporting that the GAPS diet treats the diseases it claims to. “Not only is there not the research backing it up, but even the concept of leaky gut syndrome has not really been proven,” says Dr. De Latour. “Saying that you have a diet that cures leaky gut—which hasn’t been proven—which then will cure these diseases, which hasn’t been proven; I think it’s a big stretch.”

Plus, the diet eliminates healthy foods that haven’t been proven to cause intestinal permeability and it advocates for large amounts of bone broth, which Keatley says has been proven to increase lead levels in the blood.

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5 Bone Broth Myths You Need to Stop Believing
Simply put, it just doesn’t live up to its hype. “In terms of your gut microbiome, that’s something that naturally occurs,” says Dr. De Latour. “It’s not something you can manufacture.”

While your diet definitely plays a role in preventing chronic disease, research shows that mental health conditions like obsessive-compulsive disorder, depression, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia—all of which the GAPS diet claims to treat—also benefit from specific medications and cognitive behavioral therapies.