Can Two Broken People Help Each Other Heal?

Good points. I don’t think he planned for her to move though. It’s a game he plays. Men like him prey on vulnerable women to get them hooked. OP is already hooked and he didn’t have to do much. Didn’t have to even spend any time or get to know her or even be nice. Just said few goofy things and she is already sexting or what not. He knows what’s he doing

I'm not sure. I'm thinking he's wanting her to move in so he can have a live-in provider. It may be a codependency issue, too. I'm not putting too much weight on the "Taurus" bit but do know (from my experience and it's description) they're very stubborn.

I'd be concerned that once the honeymoon phase wears off and the sex becomes predictable, he'll no longer have use for her. If he's financially bounded to her, he'll seek out this "passion" elsewhere with other insecure and needy women.

I agree though. He definitely knows what he's doing.

They never even had sex so he can’t even know if it’s any good. Also she doesn’t work and he can’t properly support himself, so he’d not want live in girlfriend he needs to support. Frankly all of this is moot point since they don’t even know each other

I agree with have Have Hope. You started the thread to get people's opinions, and people gave them. It would be worth asking yourself, I think, why you need to defend him so adamantly, why you need to show everyone that they are wrong and you are right.

I started the thread to simply ask if two people have issues, can they be stronger together? I gave maybe too much information because had that been the ONLY thing I said, perhaps the replies would have been different. Maybe they wouldn't have, but maybe they would.

I defend him because I'm only giving you guys a snapshot of comments in time. You don't know me and you don't know him. I DO place more value on what those who KNOW me believe, however, because this is a forum about people talking about psychological issues and stuff I figured it was a good venue for the question.

I'm well aware that we don't really know each other and there is so much more to learn. Maybe he IS the a-hole everyone seems to think he is. I don't believe that, but it's possible. I'm not naive. Anything is possible. Everything I said about him here is offputting to everyone, but I AM excited because he's a guy I really like. He's absolutely nuts and it's one of the things I most appreciate about him. So yeah, I DO want to be with him and I am hoping that when we do spend some time together this weekend that it's clearer one way or the other whether this is something worth pursuing.

Another thing that my choice of words may have led people to think I'm the crazy one is about uprooting my life. I lived 11 years in Florida and had an issue when visiting family in CT in 2017. Instead of returning, I stayed because I found out about an undergrad program that I wanted to pursue locally. I was never intending to move to CT but ended up doing so. After graduating, I moved back to Florida in December 2019 but things didn't go according to plan. I was running out of money and the pandemic hit making it harder to get a job so I returned home to family. I was never meant to be here so if I ended up moving BACK to Florida to be with a guy that I really like, it's not the worst thing in the world. That's where my son is.

There was a study done (can't find it) about the sticking power of negativity. It went something like this:

If I tell you that I have a medical treatment that has a 20% success rate, you might be willing to try. But if I then told you that it had an 80% failure rate, you wouldn't. The results are exactly the same, but your perception isn't. If I start by telling you that it has an 80% failure rate, the fact that I later tell you it's got a 20% success rate isn't enough to change your mind. 20% success was good enough when presented first, but not enough to overcome the 80% failure.

That's how I'm feeling about this thread. At this point there is nothing I can say for people to be able to undo the negative associations they've made based on my first post and the further comments from people about red flags.

That being said, I appreciate everyone's concern and wishes of luck. What is meant to be, will be. I'm hoping that this becomes something good. That I have a partner in crime for a while, even if not for the rest of my life. And maybe he and I help each other in the process.

I brought up the dreams thing b/c I could maybe see it becoming a bone of contention. I'm looking to do gig work so I can stay free to work on the nonprofit and I think he thinks I should have a real job. Meanwhile, he's very bright and I personally think he should have a better job than a supervisor in a warehouse, but it's stable so something he's not likely to leave. Also, I HAVE gotten into arguments with people about my goals because other people think I should be living my life some other way. My ex-husband wasn't supportive, for example. I have two friends who are accountants who think I should be building a stable life and a 401K, not putting myself into debt for school. That's why I brought that up.

And as far as the not having money - child support and an ex-wife who screwed your credit putting you tens of thousands of dollars into debt will do that. But I'm sure he's lying about that and really spent all the money on hookers and beer lol.

I would get to the bottom of his credit issue and debt. You joke about him lying and spending the money on hookers and beer instead. I don't really get why a potential lie to you about his past would be funny, but maybe it's your sense of humor.

I had previously stated that I think two people should not be together in order to "save" or "fix" one another's issues. That is a dysfunctional relationship dynamic, it is a dependent relationship dynamic and it is not how it is supposed to work.

You had mentioned that he wants you to live with him to help motivate him in life. That is a red flag. THIS SCREAMS DEPENDENCY. He should be motivated in life all on his own.

He also wanted you to drive him to work everyday. Another red flag. DEPENDENCY. He should be able to drive himself to and from work and to be a self sufficient, independent adult.

He wanted you to move back to where he lives and to move in with him IMMEDIATELY, after meeting only ONCE? BIG RED FLAG. TOO much too soon!

All of this spells BIG trouble to me, in my opinion. But you seem to want to be with him very badly, and I think that we all have to learn for ourselves in life by doing and experiencing. We have to make mistakes and missteps in order to truly learn. But I think this guy would be a mistake for you in the end.

Well the summary of this is that you had one date with a guy and now you are posting on the Internet asking strangers If you should move in with him and pursue a relationship. That’s a very strange question. I am happily married but after first date all I knew that I wanted a second date, I’d not be asking strangers if I should move in with him or move to a different state for him. It’s not negative or positive. You cant expect people advice you to move in with a stranger regardless how wonderful you think he is after one date

There is nothing wrong in working for non profit or having a job that makes a difference. You can still get paid. I make a difference and so is my husband but we still have to pay bills. People have to eat and pay for the roof above their head.

Working isn’t optional. It’s a luxury not to work. Most people would be homeless and starve if they didn't work.

Somebody must be supporting you so you don’t have to work but most people don’t have that luxury. If you plan on someone else supporting you in old age then of course you don’t need 401k. Most people want to have nice fun life in retirement though, being able to travel and pursue hobbies and so on. If you plan on only living on SS, it’s fine, but if you don’t work, it won’t be much and your opportunities will be very limited. You can make a difference in life and still not depend on others neither now nor in old age

You choose your life and make your decisions. We have no idea how your relationship with this guy will play out. Maybe you’ll be the happiest. We can’t really make you decide on this.

I think a relationship is hard enough as the simple thing it is, without making a huge deal out of everything. Like the eggs cheese thing. Maybe he makes a big noise because he felt misunderstood, or intruded upon. If you cant get something that simple right, what hope is there for the rest of your relationship? I think hes saying he finds intimacy painful and or threatening. Its not him, its you, to coin a phrase. Hes not sure if youre the one.

Since you mention leaving home, i would recommend you read the book, Leaving Home by David Celani. Try to figure out how the two of you are trying to help each other. But that is probably a different thing than building a life together. He hasnt left home yet himself.

He didn't joke about the hookers and beer. I did. I was being facetious since Divine said it should be a red flag that he doesn't know how to handle his money.

Did you miss the part where driving him to work every day was a joke? I explained that later in the thread and while I'm typing one response, people are responding at the same time and so I had previously missed a response or two and so maybe you missed the fact where I said that was a joke. It's not a dependency issue.

And nowhere did I say he wants me to move back IMMEDIATELY. He brought it up rather early - I can see THAT being a red flag for some, but he didn't say move in with me RIGHT NOW.

As far as the motivating him in life - is it bad to want someone to give you REASON to do what you do? When I had to go to a job I HATED every day, I did that because I needed that job to support my kid. HE was the motivation. So if having a woman around that you care about makes going into work more tolerable, that's a bad thing? I feel like you're all making it much more dysfunctional than it is.

I'll agree with your statement about saving and fixing. Totally agree. I have to do my work and he has to do his. But I happen to think he's helped me already by confronting me on things that I'm not paying attention to that I need to work on. I feel like he's acting like a therapist in that way. He makes an observation, I agree and he has offered solutions to change my behavior.

Before everyone puts a nefarious spin on that like he's trying to CONTROL me, the specific thing I'm talking about in this instance is the fact that I tend to talk over people sometimes. More likely when I haven't taken my Adderall, but I am that person who jumps in when you take a breath because you sparked something in my brain. He brought that to my attention that I'm talking over him. Or I'll ask a question, but then not exactly give him the opportunity to answer it before I go off on some tangent. Now, I'm being mindful to pause during the conversations.

Anyway, thanks to everyone for having my back.

It is dysfunctional, and you're not seeing that. It is a bad thing to say, "I need someone to motivate me in life". Saying, "I need something to look forward to" is very different. But you stated he needs motivation.

And again, you've only met this guy once and you mentioned moving back for him.

Just be with him, by all means, and try to help each other since that's clearly what you want to do.

Actually that wasn't my question. My question was if two people have issues, is it possible that they can help each other to heal? The moving is more of a risk because my sister is asking me to stay here so if I do decide to leave, I'm disappointing her. To do that AND have it not work out would suck.

You do understand that even the cheese thing was a joke right? I brought that up to make a point about how everything is a joke with him. He's ACTING LIKE I'm an idiot who doesn't know that there's a difference between eggs and cheese when he knows I understood and so he answered it at the end with "No eggs." I'm just trying to get clear on if you understood it was a joke. Now, if you're trying to say that you think a relationship is hard enough without having to be the person deciphering his antics, I'll agree with that. Had we not been speaking as much as we have been I may have thought that he was set off over nothing and figured he really is an effing nut job. But that one was SO OVER THE TOP I knew it was a joke immediately. Sometimes he says things that aren't so clear so yes, that can present a challenge, but again, I don't want him to be "NORMAL." His ridiculous sense of humor is the thing that I most appreciate about him so far. He's different and I like different lol.

There's no indication that he's suggesting you move in together in a year's time.. a more suitable time-frame of moving in with someone new.. at the bare minimum.

My understanding of your story is this. You're planning on visiting him this weekend.. have "great sex" .. and then decide if you're wanting to move forward with his plans on living together. After all, your son lives there, too, so why not? This guy is hot, funny, and "gets" you.

I feel you're putting too much confidence in a guy you DO NOT KNOW.

My advice.. date him. You clearly want to. This weekend you're making the trip over. Next weekend, have him do the 1200 mile drive. Will he? I'm not so sure.. maybe?

Don't rush. Get the facts. Listen to your intuition. Stop defending his actions and consider how his "funny" attitude will impact you over the course of a few months when the honeymoon phase wears off.

If you can't get straight answers NOW, do you think you'll get straight answers once you run into trouble?

Just date the guy. Don't assume he'll be your soulmate simply because you're sexually attracted to him and he's playing all the right cards for "you" (only). He's a stranger. Good luck.

Poor choice of words I guess. I can't tell you EVERYTHING that he says and oftentimes I can't remember exact words, I remember my interpretation of them. So he said motivate, but further conversation is what led to my ultimate conclusion of, "Just send me out into the world every day and let me come home to you." Actually, words similar to those were said also.

I'd be moving back for him sooner than I was intending. My sis wanted me to say 5 years, I figured I'd max at three, but one year from today, after I graduate with my Masters would be a good time to go provided I get my ducks in a row properly this time. I NEVER INTENDED TO LIVE IN CT. I just keep getting stuck here lol.

This is also a controlling tactic.. to create uncertainty and confusion at every little thing. Keep this in mind. You shouldn't have to try and "figure things out" as much as you already have. There are times to be straight forward and honest, and times to joke around. Pay attention to what he's joking about.. what he's being vague or indirect about.

Believe me.. I'm with a "jokster". Six years in and still a lot of uncertainty. It's not funny. It's emotionally draining. It's a headache.. a heartache.. and you'll find yourself going NUTS just trying to fit the pieces together. You'll unlikely ever get all the pieces together.

I'm working on getting the facts and it's my intuition that has me defending him. I don't KNOW anything. I take on faith what he says is true. Actually that's not entirely true. At the beginning when he was blowing me off with everyone whispering in my ear at the time I started to think maybe he was married and BSing me. He's not. My profession has me very experienced in working with public records. I KNOW he's currently living with his mother and I know he's divorced. After her surgery and once the pandemic is over they will sell the house, get her into a 55+ type community and then he is free to go and move where he wants instead of driving 80 miles each way to work. So, I guess because I know he's been truthful on things I CAN verify, my intuition tells me he's being truthful on all else.

Ok, but that's "his" stuff. Focus on a reality that pertains to "you". Are you staying put for a year to finish your schooling? Does he know you have zero intentions of moving back there until your school work is done?

Those first highlighted bits make the beating I took here worth it lol. I've never had this experience of someone using uncertainty and confusion for control. I've been gaslighted. Had someone try to make me think that I didn't know what was going on when I did, but not what you're describing here. I'm going to try to pay attention to what he's joking about or what he's being vague or indirect about. More the vague and indirect because he jokes about EVERYTHING.

So now I'll ask you. If it's emotionally draining and a heartache, why are you six years in?

I didn't say anything about a timeframe for moving at all. I'm just going down to get the lay of the land.

Yeah, and im a comedian. Seriously. As i once told a friend of mine, youre a doctor, im a comedian - dont tell ME you made a joke, i will tell YOU when you made a joke. Okay, it was one of those things i didnt think of til the next day, but still.

I still think you are um whats the word denigrating? What is it that we usually accuse men of doing to women? Like patting them on the head, there there, you made a joke. It was a hostile answer. My point is, NEITHER of you can deal with the INHERENT hostility in an intimate relationship. It's not for sissies. He says something hostile, you ignore his discomfort AND yours, and call it a joke.

If you had ACKNOWLEDGED his discomfort AND your misstep - yes, lacto is not ovo; how about yogurt? - i would feel better, IF he were then able to discuss it, or promise to discuss it. But if he just plain doesnt want to discuss his food with you because thats too intimate, then thats a potential red flag.

I may be too micro, but this is where im at. This is what i need to be clear, to be comfortable with someone. And no, they are not lining up, but SOME people get me.