[Aviza]

Frankly I'm sick of it. I've tried telling her to back off, and other things. Doesn't help. Nothing changes, gets worse.

She wants me to come over today to help her but because she's so awful to me I'd rather not. Therapists think i need to cut her out of my life she's toxic, but she's always been there for me. She is my mother. But she calls me names all the time, and they aren't even true of me but she uses them to manipulate me into doing stuff for her.

I really think she needs therapy to get over the traumas of her childhood and learn to be a better person. She calls her Grandkids names too, my brother corrects her so she leaves rather than deal with the fact she's out of line. She's really a mean person.

She compared me to the daughters she gave up for adoption who turned out well, married well, etc. I said because you didn't raise them. She didn't know what I meant by that but she has been cruel and because of her cruelness I've suffered.

[divine1966]

She prides herself in how children she didn’t raise turned out. I can’t even... no comments. How many kids did she give up?

[Aviza]

2 daughters. I'm the oldest in my family. Of the children she raised. They're thin, pretty. I'm fat. They have husbands with good jobs, like she ended up with.

[unaluna]

Omg. She was being cruel to you, then she couldnt believe it when you turned it back on her, when you said, "you didnt raise THEM." She knows exactly what you meant, she just thought you couldnt figure it out? Or what? Honestly, my brother once said something similar to me, and then he was like, oh how can YOU be so mean? I was like, ME? Did you hear what YOU just said? Really, its not even worth arguing with them. They are arguing with their own past selves, their own personal disappointments.

[divine1966]

She knew what you meant. I am livid on your behalf

[MsLady]

I bet she really didn't know what you meant by that because she's deeply in denial about real life. Whatever trauma she experienced as a young child has crowded her good judgment.

I know what it's like to distance away from a mother. It's hard work. It might help if you make up your mind on what you want from her, if anything at all. It's great that she's been there for you. With that I'd say the favour needs to be returned. If she's being verbally abusive, I wouldn't lean on her for "support". Maybe you're giving her mixed messages. Either she's in or she's out.

I limit my interaction with my mother to email. I'll attend important family gatherings only (100th bday celebration, a funeral, etc). When her husband passed away (during covid), I called her and spoke with her for 3 hours. She likes to monopolize conversations.. but I set that aside because someone of importance died. It's hard work but she's learned to accept my distance. It's been about 7 years now.

[~Christina]

Honestly ..... We do not have control over anyone else. We can only make changes in our lives to stay away from toxic people.. I am so sad that your Mom would say such awful things..

You control who can have access and hurt you..

Call her up and tell her you will no longer allow her to treat you this way and if you are on the phone and she starts tell her you will hang. You are absolutely DONE ...the end..Hang up...... Do not answer her call.

If you get together and she says one thing hurtful.. Pick up your purse and walk out the door...

Yes she is your Mother but that does not give her the right to abuse you...

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Aviza

Frankly I'm sick of it. I've tried telling her to back off, and other things. Doesn't help. Nothing changes, gets worse.

She wants me to come over today to help her but because she's so awful to me I'd rather not. Therapists think i need to cut her out of my life she's toxic, but she's always been there for me. She is my mother. But she calls me names all the time, and they aren't even true of me but she uses them to manipulate me into doing stuff for her.

I really think she needs therapy to get over the traumas of her childhood and learn to be a better person. She calls her Grandkids names too, my brother corrects her so she leaves rather than deal with the fact she's out of line. She's really a mean person.

She compared me to the daughters she gave up for adoption who turned out well, married well, etc. I said because you didn't raise them. She didn't know what I meant by that but she has been cruel and because of her cruelness I've suffered.

Sound like my mom. If you feel that it the right thing to do is to cut her out of your life. You should do it.

[Delphini]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Honestly ..... We do not have control over anyone else. We can only make changes in our lives to stay away from toxic people.. I am so sad that your Mom would say such awful things..

You control who can have access and hurt you..

Call her up and tell her you will no longer allow her to treat you this way and if you are on the phone and she starts tell her you will hang. You are absolutely DONE ...the end..Hang up...... Do not answer her call.

If you get together and she says one thing hurtful.. Pick up your purse and walk out the door...

Yes she is your Mother but that does not give her the right to abuse you...

I like what you wrote Christina. Good advice.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Aviza

2 daughters. I'm the oldest in my family. Of the children she raised. They're thin, pretty. I'm fat. They have husbands with good jobs, like she ended up with.

I tell my sister who is overweight. It doesn't matter what I think of you. It only matter what you think of yourself.

[Baventhiran]

Hi Aviza, I'll break it down for you. Please read through and tell me where you believe I'm wrong:

I've tried telling her to back off, and other things.

Why not tell her nicely how she's wrong? If that doesn't work, try a different approach.

She wants me to come over today to help her but because she's so awful to me I'd rather not.

The more you avoid, it accumulates, and you're the one who will suffer. Overcome, not run away from the problem.

I won't continue with the other areas. They're just to show you that no matter how much you blame the circumstances, you're also part of it and in your case, you're the key element in solving.

The concept is really very simple, execution is the tricky part. As long as you're the positive element, her negativity can change. My point is, if you want the change, you have to make the move.

It may seem impossible but all you need is the goal to work towards. Keep persisting forward and I promise that you will be successful.

I know because I have faced and overcome countless issues like this till every time I confront issues like that I can overcome. Right now I am at the point where the annoying emotion that arise is easily subdued.

I hope you will be able to overcome your problem, Aviza. All the best.