Little background.. as a child my brother and I were always on top of each other. We had a small house. He was very difficult to live with. Suffice to say he saw my mom as his slave (which she willingly did) and only left when he got married to his new "slave". I realized from a young age the most I can tolerate him is about 1 day a year.

So last year he started being my BFF. He was calling me all the time and telling me all about our relatives. I personally didn't want to hear it but I tolerated it.

Over the holiday though for the 3 or 4th year in a row my brother and SIL were at each other's throats. Not only was the visit very awkward.... but I got the distinct feeling my brother was looking for a place to stay when he divorces his wife. (or she him)

Unfortunately for me a few years back I purchased a 3 floor townhouse, mostly thinking my nephew might be the guest and redid the basement -- largely to sit empty as an investment. However, it could be an effective apartment for someone as it has a walk out. In part I had planned to use it to rent out if for some reason I had to. I also have a guest bedroom.

Alarmed and upset I pretty much cut off communication... I didn't send a gift to my nephew for his birthday (not like we have much of a relationship thanks to my brother) and my brother wanted to come over my house in January on his bike and i said no.

Since that time, I have heard nothing. He doesn't even post on facebook anymore.

I actually went over his house yesterday to make sure they were still married and his car is there.

I am not unhappy about this I don't think but wonder how to play it going forward. Would I like to talk to him? Yes, but now I am really wondering if I was literally just invited to things (1) to give his son presents, (2) pity, and (3) escape plan if all went to heck.

It isn't so bad to have him live with me but he would not recognize my authority on anything. Just like he doesn't with his wife. He would stay up all hours of the night, he smokes marijuana (medical) and my neighbors would flip. He would probably be irresponsible and hurt my cat -he has already threatened to throw him in my shower to make him behave. Somehow in his head it is "unmanly" to respect women.

So soon it will be Thanksgiving and xmas again... how do I play it? I think it is time to cut off communication with all of them. We may be able to do it this year with the coronavirus.. my SIL's 79 year old mom is a frequent guest.

There is a meme going around that says "you know who cares by who asks about you during the corona virus" -- haven't heard a peep out of my brother -- at all, during this whole time. And I have made tentative steps by positing articles on his facebook page... no response.

It is hard to accept that you have a brother that not only doesn't like you, don't love you, and only wants to use you.

I guess I don't understand the problem. You write that you never got along with your brother as children, and you tolerated him suddenly reaching out to you as adults. It sounds like you just don't like your brother but feel conflicted by the familial role expectation that since you are siblings you should remain in contact?

I do know that it is hard to accept that you have a brother that doesn't like or love you. My own brother doesn't like or love me. It's been about ten years and I don't even know his children. He tried to use other family members to test to see if I was open for a reconciliation but I told them flat out, no, I wasn't open to every speaking to my brother again. He's toxic to my well-being, so he has to stay out of my life forever.

If you don't feel like your brother contributes anything meaningful to your life, then why bother worrying about holidays and birthdays? If you believe that your brother only reached out friendly to you, to use you somehow, then why reconcile with him?

Originally Posted by Motts

If you don't feel like your brother contributes anything meaningful to your life, then why bother worrying about holidays and birthdays? If you believe that your brother only reached out friendly to you, to use you somehow, then why reconcile with him?

I guess I am in that weird spot where I am coming to terms with breaking it off. Sounds like you already have. It isn't like we broke anything off, i am just like in this weird limbo where I feel like I can't do anything because one day he might just show up on my front door.

Well then follow the Buddhist philosophy of "the best thing to do in some situations is just do nothing." It sounds like you are worrying about a lot of "what ifs." There's no way you can forecast the future of what your relationship with your brother will become. And no one here can do that for you either.

My brother estranged himself from me after I set boundaries with him, because he did some very abusive things to me and didn't like it, when I confronted him asking him to take responsibility for his behavior. I cannot allow ANYONE into my life who refuses to take responsibility for their actions. He always hides behind God as his justification and uses his religion as a convenient excuse for his horrible behavior. That is something I will never tolerate from anyone -- let alone a family member.

I will say this: if you want to permanently estrange yourself from your brother, you can email him or call him and tell him why you are estranging yourself. Or, do nothing and leave things the way that they are, and play the "wait and see" approach to how you feel when the next birthday or holiday comes around.

Sibling estrangement is nothing taboo. Its actually quite common. It feels weird to discuss because society treats it with kid gloves. Family and sibling estrangement is a common occurrence yet society won't acknowledge this. It's quite healthy to separate yourself from toxic family members. Nothing wrong with doing that. The adjustment period is the emotionally painful part, because you have to endure your remaining family member's criticism and judgement and personal attacks against YOU for having healthy boundaries.

You have to set the boundaries and you have to be the one to maintain those boundaries with your brother. He can't do that for you. You have to do that. And that's the scary part.

[Open Eyes]

It sounds like he would disrespect you and treat you badly if something happened and he needed to find a place to live. Yet from what you share if he treats his wife badly he would probably stay in his home and get her to leave.

IMHO it’s best not to get involved if him and his wife are having problems.

[beauflow]

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

I guess I am in that weird spot where I am coming to terms with breaking it off. Sounds like you already have. It isn't like we broke anything off, i am just like in this weird limbo where I feel like I can't do anything because one day he might just show up on my front door.

Never an easy or comfortable spot.

He may show up , he may not, he may call before showing up, he may already
feel your not an option- unknown- but what is known is-your home is your home.

My t once told me that my home is now my safe place, and that I shouldn't let others in that I feel would make it unsafe (all around safe mental and physical, spiritual what have you).
It's your choice who to invite into your safe place. It's not selfish to say no if an aspect of safety or peace of mind is threatened.

Not to sound corney, but what does your heart tell you?
We all are on our own journeys and pain some times morphs into something beautiful and some times not.

I've had hard times with this... and I beat myself up as "where's the love".... And that has been used as an attack on me before....but honestly where is the love when that is the situation?

----
I wish you well and believe whatever your decision is you will grow.

[Fury]

I have the same issue with my sister. She wants nothing to do with me unless she can control me or get something from me, and she constantly passes judgment on me for not living my life to her standards.

I honestly only invited her husband and son for holidays once. She never knew. I suggest you do the same, so your nephew doesn't believe you hold something against him, too. I'm sure your SIL already knows. I think it would give them both a reprieve. Suggest they tell him they're going to see someone he dislikes, to discourage him from trying to join.

No point in surrounding yourself with toxic people, but also no reason to isolate others for something that wasn't their fault.

Originally Posted by Fury

I have the same issue with my sister. She wants nothing to do with me unless she can control me or get something from me, and she constantly passes judgment on me for not living my life to her standards.

That is it. Anything I would choose to do would be judged and would have to be hidden from him. Sometimes I feel that is why I don't have a boyfriend because I wouldn't want to expose anyone to him.

He is a big spy too. Sometimes sending cousins my way to pump for information about me. One time a cousin came out and asked me my wage and I was so surprised I lied. Later I asked her if my brother put her up to it and she said yes.

My SIL dislikes me. His lies backfired there. He likes to tell her every embarrassing story of my life and make a few up too. She believes me to be a freak. I am sure my nephew thinks that. But there is very little way of contact around the parents. We have an event at work called take your kid to work day (nephews too). This is a big event, the kids get all kinds of special events -- he would have had fun. But I know that the carefully constructed lie would have been destroyed because I have a lot of people at work who like me and would have been important in my nephews eyes... so that was out.

I think this might be the year we end things. I am considering traveling over the holiday again to try to break it off. I did that early on but he guilted me into ending that. It is kind of hard to accept and kind of hard to think about. Scary.

[Open Eyes]

You watched your brother treat your mother badly, he learned to be a bully and he's selfish and has an entitled mindset. Your mother allowed him to have too much power, DON'T be like your mother.

[poshgirl]

My issue is controlling sister-in-law. She runs brother's life and thinks it's fine to be outspoken about family members. Since they married, she said my mother and aunt "do her head in", too busy to do a simple job of collecting something from my mom's house (he did it anyway). Also told me I'm just like my mother, the final straw when she lashed out at me. What gives her the right to say these things. Of course, my brother would never dream of telling her that it's unacceptable. My mother is scared of her.

Is it jealousy? She's nothing to be jealous of where I'm concerned, unless it's the good education and knowledge I have. Of course, this all gets worse when she's had a drink. There's now a rift with brother and her, as I find behaviour unacceptable. I'm supposed to be thankful for all they've done for me, even accept physical abuse. What's forgotten is all I've done for them. Thankfully, I have means to keep in touch with my niece who has more empathy, integrity and decency than ever her parents will have!

We are all used at one stage or another, even by close family. In my view, it's very sad to have someone in your close family who seems to have a different moral compass.