I think I’m in an emotionally abusive relationship. How to tell couples therapist?

I’ve been in a relationship for 6 years. We have broken up and made up several times. We moved in together 2 months ago and I guess when it went from experiencing his outbursts 2-3 times a week versus every single day, it got to be too much. I packed a bag and left.

I started researching, reading and reaching out on different forums to get help figuring out what to do about my fiancé who rages regularly, talks over me, tells me what to wear, is furious if my opinion is different, and then tells me I’m too sensitive and crazy. The concept of emotional abuse came up.

I am trying to gather the strength to leave but I am still too scared - scared of being alone and scared of his reaction. I just started individual therapy but my partner has been absolutely forcing couples therapy, while also having several rage episodes about me moving back in. I’ve managed to keep pushing back on the moving back part, but I caved on the therapy to stop the yelling.

My concern is that I keep reading couples therapy is a bad idea in our situation and will only make things worse. I am too scared to tell him I don’t want to do it and drained of dealing with the tantrums that will follow. I feel like I have no choice but to go to our first session tonight. I’m scared he’s going to play a role of being this really nice, good listener and patient person, totally manipulating the situation and making me look crazy. I also know that if the therapist so much as makes the slightest suggestion that I need to do or change something, it’s going to be used against me to no end as proof that I’m at fault.

I’m scared because there’s really no way I can even be honest about how I feel during our session, he’s going to lose it on me afterwards if I tell the truth. So I’m going to have to sit there for an hour and basically minimize. My question is, is there any way or anything I can do to let our couples therapist know what is really going on here or how I feel without just coming out with it? I am so hoping she willl pick up on it somehow and refuse to see us, instead asking us to continue individual therapy. But I am so so worried she won’t see it at all, and that until I can get the strength to leave, it’s just going to turn into guilt trips and attacks. Please help.

If you are afraid of this man AT ALL no marriage/relationship counselor is going to fix this.

The best thing for you to do is end this relationship.

I agree that you are experiencing emotional abuse. I agree that you should leave. If you fear his reaction, you could ask a women's organization to help you develop a safe plan.

Good job on the moving back part!

Hang in there!

Under no circumstances should you move back in with him.

It is emotional blackmail when he makes you suffer emotionally if you don't do what he wants. You might want to read a bit about it.

Good job starting individual therapy! Keep on going to it!

Hi--
Back when I was married, to someone who became more and more abusive as the years went by (10 of them) I can tell you that marriage counseling works better for two people who both accept responsibility for working together--as partners--on fixing a marriage. You're very perceptive here--it took me a few counseling sessions to figure out that these sessions were useless. As soon as I said anything that my wife disagreed with she'd explode. Our last session with our first therapist ended when the counselor threatened to call security because my wife was so out of control with rage. I could never say how I really felt or what I thought or what I wanted or needed, so it was really just an hour of pleasant chitchat.

Hopefully your counselor will pick up that there is a problem and do individual sessions.

They have probably seen a lot of couples and ought to quickly recognize what kind of couple you are.

Can you tell the therapist exactly what your fears are? That he will lose his temper on you after the session, that he is playing nice in front of the therapist, but that behind closed doors he is a different person and you are afraid of him?

I am facing some similar issues in my marriage right now. My husband is on and off abusive, he explodes on me in abusive rages, just like your partner does, and I am seriously considering divorce (I most likely WILL divorce him). I can tell you this: it has NOT gotten better, despite his promises to me that he will not explode on me anymore. He promised before the wedding that he would never raise his voice at me again, and he has, about a dozen or more times since then. The patterns of behavior keep repeating themselves. I, too, see couples therapy as a waste of time because I believe he will dance around a therapist and will manipulate her into thinking I am the problem. Because that's what he does: he blames ME for his issues.

Good for you for not moving back in with him again. DON'T. You already know the patterns of behavior.... he won't improve unless he can fully acknowledge his issues to the therapist and honestly and earnestly tries to work on improving. Even then, it would be a very long process towards full healing and recovery for him. But it doesn't seem he even realizes he has problems. Abusers rarely admit their abuse.

The questions you have to ask yourself are:

Am I happy in this relationship?
Is this person enhancing my life or detracting from it?

Sorry for what you had to endure.

You aren’t married. You have zero reason to ever see or talk to this man. Well you’d have zero reason even if you were married unless maybe for the kids. The one and only way for your situation to improve is to not have this man in your life.

If he is harrasing you, get police involved. Otherwise be done with him please

I don't have experience with such a situation but a friend did. She'd keep on sort of splitting up and getting back together with her boyfriend and always be second-guessing herself. But one day she really just felt ready and cut things off with him. I think the reason it worked that time and not the others was because she really chose to end it--she stopped talking to him and giving him ways to get back into her life. I think with a guy like this, you really need to just cut things off cleanly and give him no inroads. My friend literally stopped taking his calls, ignored his emails, blocked him on social media, etc.
I do have some manipulative, emotional people in my life and have gradually started concluding there's no way of "controlling" these people, their behavior or their effect on you. Some of them you just don't have a choice for a while, like maybe one's parents or coworkers. But in this case, it sounds like you're really going to be better off alone. Remember, the more time you spend on this guy, the less time you have to find a new partner--someone who will probably treat you a lot better and make you a lot happier. You've probably learned a lot from this difficult relationship that will make your next one better.
Regarding the therapist, could you send her an email explaining the situation? Sounds like you're already scared of your boyfriend's outbursts no matter what. Honestly, with a guy that volatile, I'd be tempted to break up with him over the phone and then just hang up when he starts yelling. Is his temper so scary you need to involve the police?
If you're unable to commit to a decision, maybe you could try writing your thoughts in a journal--list all the possible things you might do and how you see them working out. It might help you attain some clarity through all your strong emotions.

@Anabana, this state of mind is exactly the state of mind ALL abuse victims experience. This is exactly where an abuser wants you to be, stuck in cognitive disonance so he can control you and own you. Abusers always find a way to BLAME their victim so the victim begins to get confused and begins to slowly think they are the ones that are slowly going crazy. They typically have a pattern of making their victim think they are loved, BUT, an abusers love is NOT a HEALTHY love.

YES, he probably WILL find ways to manipulate the therapist into thinking YOU are the one with the problem and he is JUST trying to help you. Abusers have LOTS of practice MANIPULATING and they can get pretty good at it. To an abuser the only TRUTH that matters is THEIR TRUTH, they will not let their victim have the REAL TRUTH.

Hint, if you talk about somehow getting ahead, their response will be how that will BENEFIT THEM. Your entire presence to them is about FILLING THEIR NEEDS. The more they can privately get you to doubt yourself the more CONTROL they get to have over you. If YOUR GAINS don't benefit them? They will discourage you because the truth is ALL THEY CARE ABOUT IS THEIR CONTROL AND GAINS.

If you feel fear NOW, imagine how much worse it will get if you EVER commit to this man. Any victim of this kind of individual will tell you IT GETS WORSE once you agree to commit.

In general, disordered people tend to like to get other people to believe they are MORE than they actually are. They tend to exaggerate their true worth and they tend to create an imaginary persona because they NEED to believe they are more than they actually are. Their ego is fragile, and if they are threatened they will rage and they tend to lash out at anyone who they feel is some kind of threat. Their enemy is TRUTH and REALITY. They would rather live their exaggerated fantasy. They are not really "in touch" with reality.

This quote?

This is REALITY and it's something you really need to pay attention to, something this fiance isn't willing to allow you to see, it doesn't suit HIS agenda. His agenda is to make you service HIS needs, right down to what you wear. . Yup, the only opinion that matters is HIS.

Are you living somewhere else now? Away from him?

If you're no longer living with him and you're afraid of him, block him. I agree with every advice given so far. I'd rather be afraid of being alone than be afraid of my fiance. Pick the lesser of two evils.. and in your situation, be "afraid of being alone". Continue with therapy. Once you marry him and have children, it'll get worse. Your kids will be afraid with you. Leave for their sake, even though they're not even born yet.. xo

If you moved out like you wrote in your OP, are you choosing to continue to date this man? Have you sought therapy for yourself?

Most abusers will not agree to therapy because that means they have to be held accountable for their actions and words.

I would not count on him agreeing to attend couples counseling with you if he won't acknowledge to you already, in the 6 years that you've been together, that he emotionally abuses you.

You need to decide why you want to continue to stay in contact with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries or you as a person. Abusers don't change their ways, unfortunately. It's ingrained behavior in them.

Not necessarily. Some opt for couples counseling to convince the victim they're the problem with professional assistance. It's why she's uncomfortable in doing so. I agree. Don't go to couples counseling with a personality like his.

MsLady, you just restated what I suggested. Which is that, even if the abuser goes to therapy its only to manipulate their victim and not to actually take responsibility for their behavior. Sorry, I don't know why you are trying to reframe my words as something opposite of what you think. Abusers do not take responsibility for their actions in relationships. That's just not realistic to even think for a second that anyone who is abusing you, will agree to go to therapy so they can fix their abusive behavior. Not sure why you need to claim I said anything different because that doesn't make any sense.

The OP is scared to ask her abusive boyfriend to go to therapy because she knows that he won't go, and if he does go, it will be to manipulate her in front of the therapist. Since the OP has already moved out, she should just end this relationship. Why stay with someone who abuses you. It will never get better. Abusers never change.

Ok.. probably because I didn't know this is what you meant. Thanks for clarifying.

Actually her abusive boyfriend is the one insisting they do couples therapy. She is scared to go because she knows he wants couple therapy to manipulate her, not fixing himself. That’s why she wonders if she should contact couple therapist ahead of time.

I agree with you that she should just leave

Yep. Dont agree to therapy OP. Your partner will only use the therapist to further undermine your self confidence, and gaslight you (interrupt you, minimize your feelings, invalidate you by calling you a liar).

Think of therapy with your partner like you are agreeing to willingly be led into a closed and locked cage with a wild animal (your abusive partner), with no weapons (self esteem, emotional boundaries, abuse evidence) to use for self defense.

He will make you out to be the mentally ill person, to take the focus off of himself so that the therapist diagnoses you and medicates you. Not him. Then, he wins.

Just stay away from him. Grieve the six years and heal and start over.

Not to hijack, but that’s what I’m afraid of in my own abusive marriage if we went to therapy. I do n’t trust him not to play super dirty. And he is a dirty fighter, pulling out all his weapons. I’d be putting myself in a firing squad if I went to therapy with him, at no fault of my own.

That's ok Have Hope. My own father did this to me in a therapy session when I was in high school having problems with living with my parents. He literally would interrupt me when the therapist would ask me a question about my relationship to my parents. He lied to the therapist about what he did to me (emotional abuse) and refused to take responsibility for his behavior with me. It was pretty awful.

I was 15 years old at the time and suicidal. Frankly, I don't think he would have cared if I'd died. He even told his friends that he thought I was dumb, when I was 9 years old, when he had a BBQ with his friends' families in our backyard. I happened to be walking past my dad and his friends when he said this. He and his friends noticed that I overheard his comment, but he didn't even acknowledge me or apologize at that moment or apologize to me later. He never apologized to me for calling me dumb. It's no wonder I attract emotionally abusive men like my father into my life. And that's with years of therapy. I still attract that type of man, so relationships are a no-go for me. I'm better off lonely and alone. It's safer.

Fortunately, after one session of this nonsense from my father, the therapist told him that he wasn't allowed to come back to my next therapy session. He tried to prevent me from going the following week by taking the car away from me, but I found a ride from someone else. This was in high school. Sorry for MY hijacking, OP.

So, OP, what I'm advising you is based on my own experience with being gaslighted and minimized and invalidated by my own father. Your abusive partner of 6 years will do the same, from the sound of your description of what you've put up with from him all this time.

And, OP, the fact that you are so codependent on him -- that you are afraid to be alone without him -- shows just how brainwashed he's got you after 6 years of emotional conditioning from him.

You really just need to stay away from him. But if that's not possible for you because you want to be with him, then you will need to figure out how to create boundaries with the therapist you are seeing on your own.

Argh! How maddening for you. I am so sorry for what you've gone through. I, too, believe that I will have to be single and lonely after I leave my marriage. I've attracted far too many abusers at this point, and I do not trust that I will not do it again.

I think this can cause even further harm to the victim of abuse, to have the therapist side with the abuser and believe their lies and stories. Then the victim is double victimized and has absolutely ZERO power.

To the OP, it is often that the abuser deflects all responsibility off of them in a therapist's office, denies their actions and makes you out to be the crazy and unstable one.

If you DO go to therapy, be armed with this knowledge. I understand your fears of therapy with this person, and they are very valid.

This is why I don't even want to attempt therapy with my abusive husband. He's shown me that he cannot take any responsibility for his abuse and he blames me instead for every single fight we've ever had. He's made statements such as "you have problems!" and "you're the one with the anger issues!" and "you're the one who is abusive!" when he's the abuser and when he's the one who blows up at me in a rage periodically.

Since you're not married and are not living together, you have no obligation to this person. You do not have to go to therapy with him. You can simply just cut ties and be done with him instead. That is an option for you.