Still dating the wrong type

iheartjacques · Aug 14, 2020 at 08:23 AM

Ugh. After 29 years you would think I would know what to avoid. Dated a guy for a year. Ignored the red flags. Now I know I have to work on myself. Therapist said he was an abuser and should’ve known better. I’m disappointed. It’s taking me time to get over it.

I guess my question is - will I ever get it right? After all that therapy and staying on my meds etc.

sarahsweets · Aug 14, 2020 at 09:09 AM

When you have experienced enough pain and consequence then you will change.

Quote:

Originally Posted by iheartjacques

Ugh. After 29 years you would think I would know what to avoid. Dated a guy for a year. Ignored the red flags. Now I know I have to work on myself. Therapist said he was an abuser and should’ve known better. I’m disappointed. It’s taking me time to get over it.

I guess my question is - will I ever get it right? After all that therapy and staying on my meds etc.

Have Hope · Aug 14, 2020 at 09:47 AM

A therapist should never judge and tell you that you should have known better. But now that you’re aware of having ignored red flags, perhaps now you can learn to pay attention to red flags early on. Take it as a learning and growth experience . Next time you’ll do better. Hugs.

Rive. · Aug 14, 2020 at 11:21 AM

Unfortunately, in life, there are no guarantees that one would necessarily get it right.

It's about trying your best, learning, developing self-awareness, seeing/reading the signs and choosing accordingly... an picking yourself up when you fall. It's hard. We don't always get it right.

Bill3 · Aug 14, 2020 at 03:03 PM

I agree with Have Hope, your therapist was out of line to say that you should have known better.

Aug 14, 2020 at 03:40 PM

Your therapist should not have said that you "should've known better." That's not supportive.

I hope you feel better.

if you were with this person for a year, of course its taking time to get over it.

I think you're asking the wrong question. It sounds like its coming from a defeatist place ("will I ever get it right?"). Why not ask "how can I take care of myself during this period of pain?" Or "what do I want in a relationship?" "How can I be kind to myself?"

Take care.

Open Eyes · Aug 14, 2020 at 05:59 PM

Well a lot of abusers start by being nice and charming anyone can be fooled by it. They pride themselves in how well they can fool people. I have witnessed these types fool people and people fall for it. So you are not the only one.

Abusedbysister · Aug 17, 2020 at 07:45 AM

I have fallen for abusers before. Many are so manipulative and then they start to show their true self. I somehow have a tendency to attract abusers. I don’t think your therapist should have made the comment as it is not professional and their job requires them not to judge.

Aug 17, 2020 at 11:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by iheartjacques

Ugh. After 29 years you would think I would know what to avoid. Dated a guy for a year. Ignored the red flags. Now I know I have to work on myself. Therapist said he was an abuser and should’ve known better. I’m disappointed. It’s taking me time to get over it.

I guess my question is - will I ever get it right? After all that therapy and staying on my meds etc.

Therapy and medication can't "cure" you of choosing bad relationships. It's not your therapist's job to change you either. Therapy and medication are mere band aids. The real epiphany has to come from you. Therapy and medication can sometimes trigger epiphanies. But so can terrible, horrible experiences.

You are comfortable with these unhealthy connections with men and only you know why that is.

Once you become uncomfortable, you will change your perspective and will stop getting involved with abusive men.

iheartjacques · Sep 19, 2024 at 06:56 AM

Wow I found some of my old posts! Therapist meant HE ( the guy I dated) should’ve known better after knowing what I’ve been through and still pursued me, bonked me, ghosted me. I’ve had no one else since then.

ogyogm · Sep 19, 2024 at 07:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by iheartjacques

Wow I found some of my old posts! Therapist meant HE ( the guy I dated) should’ve known better after knowing what I’ve been through and still pursued me, bonked me, ghosted me. I’ve had no one else since then.

No one for almost 5 years? Can you please share how you've managed all this time by yourself?

iheartjacques · Sep 19, 2024 at 07:44 AM

I think I meant I haven’t had a relationship or been with anyone for the last 5 years. Most of the time I’m too busy and too focused on my kids and work and goals.

I’ve had a therapist once a month for the last 4 years. It’s been good. No issues at all. And it’s stopped me from the vicious cycle of depression and crashes every year.

I look back and wonder why I was so scared to leave my marriage when I see how good things are for my kids and myself since then. It was rough for a while but it gets better and better.

ogyogm · Sep 19, 2024 at 08:36 AM

Sorry for being ambiguous. I meant specifically relationship(s). Maybe, it's because of my traumas and being lonely most of my life leads to me feeling alone again so painful.

But at the time, I did not know about you having kids. Now I am even more astonished. I can imagine kids do give a reason to live and a distraction. But, it's so much work, so much effort to raise kids! Now I am stunned, how have you managed to earn living and find time for the kids. What about yourself? When last have you had any time for yourself? Therapist once per month sounds so miniscule compared to everyday hardships you have to endure.

P.s. I feel so weak now, compared to what you have to go through. And I am whining about just being single and feeling lonely.

iheartjacques · Sep 19, 2024 at 04:26 PM

No, your feelings are valid. I can’t imagine the stress and fear you live with everyday. You can click on my profile and see my other posts if you want to know some of my story.

ogyogm · Sep 20, 2024 at 02:48 AM

Thanks, I really appreciate your kind words.

Tart Cherry Jam · Oct 12, 2024 at 11:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by iheartjacques

Ugh. After 29 years you would think I would know what to avoid. Dated a guy for a year. Ignored the red flags. Now I know I have to work on myself. Therapist said he was an abuser and should’ve known better. I’m disappointed. It’s taking me time to get over it.

I guess my question is - will I ever get it right? After all that therapy and staying on my meds etc.

I am glad you are doing so well now, focusing on kids, work, and the goal.

Your OP seems to imply that the passage of time (29 years) should teach you what to avoid, but about the number of datapoints? From what little you wrote, there was this guy, before him an unsatisfying marriage which you initially feared leaving but now are so glad you left, and... how many more men of the same "type"?

Unless it is a really high number and you keep repeating the same pattern of missing the SAME red flags again and again, I think you are too hard on yourself expecting yourself to be a clairvoyant. And 1 year is not a terribly long time. And as said above, this man probably fooled you in the beginning anyway, appearing not who he truly was.

iheartjacques · Oct 14, 2024 at 08:24 AM

I’ve only had two long term relationships - 20-24 years old with my ex fiancé. Then from. 25-43 with my ex husband. I’ve been separated from him for 8 years and divorced for 5 years. The guy I had 5 years ago for a year seems insignificant. So I’ve just been working on me, working and raising my kids. When they are adults, I want to travel with a group of other women.

iheartjacques · Oct 16, 2024 at 06:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

When you have experienced enough pain and consequence then you will change.

Okay……

iheartjacques · Oct 16, 2024 at 06:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anonymous43372

Therapy and medication can't "cure" you of choosing bad relationships. It's not your therapist's job to change you either. Therapy and medication are mere band aids. The real epiphany has to come from you. Therapy and medication can sometimes trigger epiphanies. But so can terrible, horrible experiences.

You are comfortable with these unhealthy connections with men and only you know why that is.

Once you become uncomfortable, you will change your perspective and will stop getting involved with abusive men.

That’s a strange answer. Low self-esteem?

Neil8419 · Oct 18, 2024 at 12:29 PM

Sometimes I find that been on my own is the best company an individual could ever want!!

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Rive. Magnate Member Since Sep 2013 Posts: 2,219 11	Aug 14, 2020 at 11:21 AM #4 Unfortunately, in life, there are no guarantees that one would necessarily get it right. It's about trying your best, learning, developing self-awareness, seeing/reading the signs and choosing accordingly... an picking yourself up when you fall. It's hard. We don't always get it right.
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Bill3 Legendary Member Since Mar 2009 Location: USA Posts: 10,948 15 24.1k hugs given	Aug 14, 2020 at 03:03 PM #5 I agree with Have Hope, your therapist was out of line to say that you should have known better.
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Open Eyes Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Mar 2011 Location: Northeast USA Posts: 23,251 (SuperPoster!) 13 21.5k hugs given	Aug 14, 2020 at 05:59 PM #7 Well a lot of abusers start by being nice and charming anyone can be fooled by it. They pride themselves in how well they can fool people. I have witnessed these types fool people and people fall for it. So you are not the only one.
	Reply With Quote

Abusedbysister Member Member Since Oct 2017 Location: Canada Posts: 135 7 205 hugs given	Aug 17, 2020 at 07:45 AM #8 I have fallen for abusers before. Many are so manipulative and then they start to show their true self. I somehow have a tendency to attract abusers. I don’t think your therapist should have made the comment as it is not professional and their job requires them not to judge.
	Reply With Quote

iheartjacques Magnate Member Since Apr 2014 Location: world Posts: 2,200 10 380 hugs given	Sep 19, 2024 at 06:56 AM #10 Wow I found some of my old posts! Therapist meant HE ( the guy I dated) should’ve known better after knowing what I’ve been through and still pursued me, bonked me, ghosted me. I’ve had no one else since then.
	Reply With Quote

iheartjacques Magnate Member Since Apr 2014 Location: world Posts: 2,200 10 380 hugs given	Sep 19, 2024 at 04:26 PM #14 No, your feelings are valid. I can’t imagine the stress and fear you live with everyday. You can click on my profile and see my other posts if you want to know some of my story.
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ogyogm Member Member Since Sep 2024 Location: Ukraine Posts: 138 (SuperPoster!) 424 hugs given	Sep 20, 2024 at 02:48 AM #15 Thanks, I really appreciate your kind words.
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Neil8419 Account Suspended Member Since Oct 2024 Location: Manchester Posts: 18	Oct 18, 2024 at 12:29 PM #20 Sometimes I find that been on my own is the best company an individual could ever want!!
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