FAQ/Help |
Calendar |
Search |
Magnate
Member Since Apr 2014
Location: world
Posts: 2,194
10 374 hugs
given |
#1
Ugh. After 29 years you would think I would know what to avoid. Dated a guy for a year. Ignored the red flags. Now I know I have to work on myself. Therapist said he was an abuser and should’ve known better. I’m disappointed. It’s taking me time to get over it.
I guess my question is - will I ever get it right? After all that therapy and staying on my meds etc. |
Reply With Quote |
Anonymous49105, Bill3, Have Hope
|
Threadtastic Postaholic
Member Since Dec 2018
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 6,008
(SuperPoster!)
5 192 hugs
given |
#2
When you have experienced enough pain and consequence then you will change.
Quote:
__________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society. |
|
Reply With Quote |
iheartjacques
|
Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,232
(SuperPoster!)
6 3,683 hugs
given |
#3
A therapist should never judge and tell you that you should have known better. But now that you’re aware of having ignored red flags, perhaps now you can learn to pay attention to red flags early on. Take it as a learning and growth experience . Next time you’ll do better. Hugs.
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
Reply With Quote |
Bill3, iheartjacques
|
Magnate
Member Since Sep 2013
Posts: 2,139
11 |
#4
Unfortunately, in life, there are no guarantees that one would necessarily get it right.
It's about trying your best, learning, developing self-awareness, seeing/reading the signs and choosing accordingly... an picking yourself up when you fall. It's hard. We don't always get it right. |
Reply With Quote |
Have Hope
|
iheartjacques
|
Legendary
Member Since Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,939
15 24.1k hugs
given |
#5
I agree with Have Hope, your therapist was out of line to say that you should have known better. |
Reply With Quote |
Have Hope
|
iheartjacques
|
Guest
Posts: n/a
|
#6
Your therapist should not have said that you "should've known better." That's not supportive.
I hope you feel better. if you were with this person for a year, of course its taking time to get over it. I think you're asking the wrong question. It sounds like its coming from a defeatist place ("will I ever get it right?"). Why not ask "how can I take care of myself during this period of pain?" Or "what do I want in a relationship?" "How can I be kind to myself?" Take care. |
Reply With Quote |
Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,249
(SuperPoster!)
13 21.5k hugs
given |
#7
Well a lot of abusers start by being nice and charming anyone can be fooled by it. They pride themselves in how well they can fool people. I have witnessed these types fool people and people fall for it. So you are not the only one.
|
Reply With Quote |
jesyka
|
iheartjacques, jesyka
|
Member
Member Since Oct 2017
Location: Canada
Posts: 133
6 205 hugs
given |
#8
I have fallen for abusers before. Many are so manipulative and then they start to show their true self. I somehow have a tendency to attract abusers. I don’t think your therapist should have made the comment as it is not professional and their job requires them not to judge.
|
Reply With Quote |
Bill3, Have Hope
|
iheartjacques, jesyka
|
Guest
Posts: n/a
|
#9
Quote:
You are comfortable with these unhealthy connections with men and only you know why that is. Once you become uncomfortable, you will change your perspective and will stop getting involved with abusive men. |
|
Reply With Quote |
Magnate
Member Since Apr 2014
Location: world
Posts: 2,194
10 374 hugs
given |
#10
Wow I found some of my old posts! Therapist meant HE ( the guy I dated) should’ve known better after knowing what I’ve been through and still pursued me, bonked me, ghosted me. I’ve had no one else since then.
|
Reply With Quote |
Bill3, ogyogm
|
Member
Member Since Sep 2024
Location: Ukraine
Posts: 107
(SuperPoster!)
281 hugs
given |
#11
No one for almost 5 years? Can you please share how you've managed all this time by yourself?
|
Reply With Quote |
iheartjacques
|
Magnate
Member Since Apr 2014
Location: world
Posts: 2,194
10 374 hugs
given |
#12
I think I meant I haven’t had a relationship or been with anyone for the last 5 years. Most of the time I’m too busy and too focused on my kids and work and goals.
I’ve had a therapist once a month for the last 4 years. It’s been good. No issues at all. And it’s stopped me from the vicious cycle of depression and crashes every year. I look back and wonder why I was so scared to leave my marriage when I see how good things are for my kids and myself since then. It was rough for a while but it gets better and better. |
Reply With Quote |
Bill3, ogyogm
|
Member
Member Since Sep 2024
Location: Ukraine
Posts: 107
(SuperPoster!)
281 hugs
given |
#13
Sorry for being ambiguous. I meant specifically relationship(s). Maybe, it's because of my traumas and being lonely most of my life leads to me feeling alone again so painful.
But at the time, I did not know about you having kids. Now I am even more astonished. I can imagine kids do give a reason to live and a distraction. But, it's so much work, so much effort to raise kids! Now I am stunned, how have you managed to earn living and find time for the kids. What about yourself? When last have you had any time for yourself? Therapist once per month sounds so miniscule compared to everyday hardships you have to endure. P.s. I feel so weak now, compared to what you have to go through. And I am whining about just being single and feeling lonely. |
Reply With Quote |
iheartjacques
|
Magnate
Member Since Apr 2014
Location: world
Posts: 2,194
10 374 hugs
given |
#14
No, your feelings are valid. I can’t imagine the stress and fear you live with everyday. You can click on my profile and see my other posts if you want to know some of my story.
|
Reply With Quote |
ogyogm
|
ogyogm
|
Member
Member Since Sep 2024
Location: Ukraine
Posts: 107
(SuperPoster!)
281 hugs
given |
#15
Thanks, I really appreciate your kind words.
|
Reply With Quote |
iheartjacques
|