[wanderingstream]

Hello all,

I am seeking advice for nagivating this relationship with my mom.

I am a recent graduate of college (this May actually) and am currently back at home living with my mother. I am a 23 year old young lady.

Right now, I am currently looking for jobs and creating a plan to be financially independent and self-sufficient.

I am also trying to work on myself, love myself, and heal. I have dealt with a lot of traumatic events in my life: losing my father at 18 years old, being a survivor, mentally abusive relationships, and right now, I don't have any friends I can meet up with at all.

However, I get pulled into the past with this toxi dynamic my mom and I have.
She is emotionally distant, and she often sacrifices my emotional needs to place her own wants, desires, troubled relationships and/or feelings to the fore front.

She had a really toxic relationship with her own parents (especially with her mom) and gave up her autonomy to please her mom. She often models the perfect mom-daughter relationship off her own sick relationship; even though she knows it was painful and states her dissatisfaction with it.

She often gas lights or victim blames.

For example: in the past she has blamed me of "getting in between of her happiness" and "starting drama" between her and her boyfriend, when I(17 at the time) tried to alert her that her boyfriend's son was verbal assaulting me.
She told me I was weak and I should have spoken up for myself.

Recently, I broken up with my ex, and they still talk; she calls him "son" and he still calls her "mom" even though he was emotionally abusive as well.

I find myself lashing out, yelling and having panic attacks from her emotional abuse. When I behave this way, that allows her to say I'm being irrational, disrespectful and the attention turns on my behavior NOT the behavior, comments and treatment I am responding to.

I am trying to forgive her and get my bearings together. I am trying my best to communicate with love, and respect because she is still my mother and I still want a positive relationship with her, but a healthy relationship.

I want to have a grasp of my emotions, and not have such a viseral response. I want to temper my emotions for my health; for my soul, body and mind.

I don't want to hate my only mom, because she is the only family member I have left.

Plus, I know that right now, I have to respect her and thank her for allowing me to live here and financially provide for me, until I get a job and save enough to leave

I know that she operates from this place because of her own trauma, and there are a lot of good qualities. Plus, I don't want hate in my heart, but I want to respect myself and my feelings. I also want to be free from feeling like a prisoner in my own mind and feeling "crazy".

All I want is to have control over my emotions, not expect so much from her (even though she's my mom) and for us to live as peacefully as possible.

May I have any advice for moving forward?

Thanks much.

Sincerely,

Wandering

[CANDC]

Hi wanderingstream. Welcome to Psych Central. Sorry you have a very challenging situation with your mother, especially when living in her house.

It is almost like being a guest in a foreign country where you can never be sure what you are doing will be okay. It is not a good environment to try to be honest about your emotions in my experience. Sometimes it is better just to take a deep breath and let it out and say "I understand what you mean" and leave it at that.

Another way to look at it is when you live in your mother's house, it is like being a recruit in the army where you learn to "Yes Maam" to your drill sergeant while you are going through boot camp.

But there are things to be learned like dealing with difficult people is great preparation for dealing with having a boss. Bosses seem to test my patience as much as family members.

These articles might be of interest.
10 Tips for Dealing with your Toxic Parents

Coping With What You Can't Control

5 Manipulation Tactics Narcissistic Parents Use To Control Their Adult Children

@CANDC feel free to send me a personal message and or reply to this post to continue the conversation.