Sexless Marriage

You might be right. I am working with my wife on this.

What did your wife say when you told her you would leave her if she didn't give you what you wanted i.e. more sex?

Oh and re i would be wary of generalisations. Maybe for you it is. Certainly not for everyone.

I didn’t phrase it "give me more sex or I’ll leave you.” I told her that I would like to have an active and mutually enjoyable sex life with HER. But I also made the point that sex is a critical part of a happy marriage, and that I couldn’t stay in a sexless marriage.

I have been told that a marriage without sex can work if both parties are okay with that. But it’s not true for me. For me, a healthy, enjoyable sex life is critical in a marriage. And I’m not going to apologize for feeling this way.

I am on the other side of where you are with this. For me, it's been complicated:

I have a history of being called the "unemotional" one and not being very affectionate. In counselling, I discovered that this was due to childhood emotional neglect, so this is just how I relate to people. When I am sad, lonely, stressed, depressed etc, I get comfort from being alone - I know my partner gets comfort from affection - I do not!

As I've discovered this and realised that my partner is "anxious attachment", it's created a fairly negative spiral. He pursues me, this makes me feel suffocated, so I run away or push him away. Every time I push him away, I feel disgusted with myself, but then I also lose a bit of attraction to him, because I just think "why do you allow this". It's a bad cycle and even though I'm aware of it, I don't know how to break it.

With the emotional neglect, I have some difficulty in really expressing my needs. I would rather just walk away from a conversation, than have to tell him how I am really feeling - it is very, very difficult for me.

When you say that you have indirectly told your wife that you WILL have an active sex life (and I know you may have put it in a different way), I think about how I would interpret that. I would just feel that you are looking after yourself and you haven't even asked me what I needed. If you asked me what I needed, I would probably say nothing, it's just how it is.

I know this is me and my problems, but I'm hoping that this might give you a different perspective and that maybe it is helpful. Try and figure out what it is that she needs.

JBear, do you think there are any changes you can make to your situation that will ease your distress? Is it right that you don't really want to leave your wife, but need some things to change? Is anything you can change just to take some of the pressure off?

My thoughts.

Maybe you both are not a good fit anymore due to this issue.

How is the current state of your marriage otherwise, aside from your need for sex not being met?

I think you guys need to communicate more openly.

Have you asked her why she recoils at your touch and kiss?

Have you asked her why she won't see a marriage therapist with you?

Again, I personally think that you feel how you feel, you need what you need, and maybe this makes you guys a poor fit for each other now.

The fact that she won't see a marriage therapist, is concerning. You're unhappy and doing all the work, here, on this forum, it seems. I see you trying.

I don't think you should talk to female friends about your sex life unless you're not married / in a relationship.

How does she feel about you aside from sex? Again, how is your marriage aside from that?

Edit: I also think its important to note what others are saying in this thread. There could be numerous reasons why she doesn't want sex: her anxiety, menopause, etc. I think you need to communicate with her, and she with you. And of course, honor those feelings she has, and who she is now. It sounds like you are respecting her not wanting to have sex, but at this point, it sounds like she is who she is now (she's not the same person you married sexually), and isn't going to give you sex. It can come off as pressuring if you keep asking her for sex.

Have you ever looked into love languages? You can find info about it online. You two might just have different needs.

How realistic you both are about insisting on meeting your own respective needs I am not sure about, but it sounds like you want different things. I just worry that your perception is clouded by other people’s stories: how everyone else has this crazy sex life and how your mom didn’t want sex (why is it even a topic of discussion?) . Focus on you and your wife. I think you might be getting all too hopeful about other ladies who may or may not even exist. You might lose your marriage over a fantasy

LOL man, tell that to somebody else. You've been married for 17 years and now suddenly you're demanding more sex.

You don't have to apologize at all, you can just leave. Make sure you give her a generous settlement.

You misinterpret What I said. I merely pointed out that SOME women in their sixties have a high sex drive. I never said that I think everyone else has a wild sex life.f

JBear-

When did the sex frequency change? How long have you been with her? In my last relationship, in the first year it was normal, then when he received full custody for his 11 year old son, it totally stopped. Ex HAD to sleep with his child. The child had sleep anxiety issues. So there was zero physicality. I did resent that, because I knew if it was reversed, he would not accept it.

I think there is more to your story.

I would say it changed about 5-6 years into our marriage. When we married, she had two kids, age 11 and 16. If anything, we had more and better sex when the kids were living with us (they now are adults and live in other cities, although our daughter is living with us during the pandemic). Bottom line: There probably is more to the story. But I haven’t quite figured out what.

Most women don’t care to have sex be something they are obligated to do. Once that sentiment enters the picture it tends to take away the enjoyment and becomes more of just a function that one needs to get done with like any other chore.

Another thing that often is not discussed is that some men can be sexually selfish and the woman is not even satisfied and basically just fakes it.

Maybe I missed the part where you said whether she has always been like this????
This is a tough situation. If you don't have enough to hold you together without enough sex to please you, seems like you will have to split.
I hope you will help her to prepare for your leaving with education or trying various employment.
She really is the biggest loser here, in so many ways. It is so sad if she never experienced great sex.

I was also wondering about some of these things.

I’m sending good wishes.

The book about love languages came to mind for me too when reading this thread. For example some people feel more nurtured and loved by physical affection, for others it may be quality time spent together, or words of affirmation.

Do you have activities that you enjoy together, real fun to build a good feeling? do you laugh together about anything?
This does sound like a possible menopause problem.
Do you use massage and various techniques to build her desire? Not having enough private alone time together can be a big problem.
i agree w most people here that the way u have approached this could prolong this, but if she wont try to help u find out what's causing it or in trying some solutions, i dont see a good outcome.
There could also be patterns of your behavior, trivial and serious, that she finds hard to deal with, but she fears telling you.
good luck, we know this is complicated. One person cant fix this by themselves.

Marriage doesnt always need lots of sex but i have known and heard that its extremely important. I suppose you both have to put each other in the mood. You have to make the sexual advances from time to time, and as she does the same, sex will be in your marriage again. Intimacy is extremely important, without intimacy your relationship will fall.

I'll throw out some thoughts.

How's your hygiene? From top to bottom, inside and out.

Talking with your wife about the issue would, I believe, be more mature and affirming than threatening her that you'll leave if she doesn't do what you want her to do. If a partner said that to me I'd never allow him to touch me again. It's a bastardly statement to make. You really shot yourself in the foot on that one.

It is unfortunate that your wife won't go to couples therapy. You are left with having to work on the problem in your own therapy; that's your option.

Have you ever (even one time) made a less-then kind comment about your wife's body or appearance?

Just some ideas.