Sexless Marriage

I am in a sexless marriage with my wife. We’ve been married 17 years (She brought two kids, age 11 and 16, into the marriage. They have become my kids). The first 5 years, plus the three years we dated, the sex was great. After that.....

The only "window of opportunity" seems to be Sunday morning 7 to 9am. And even then, I feel like my wife is accommodating me. But to really enjoy sex, I need her to be into it. We have sex maybe 6 times a year. When we do have sex, my wife pulls out three tissues before, so she can clean up the "mess" immediately after. I was 45 when we married, so I had a number of sex partners before we met. My wife is the only partner I have ever had who gets up right after sex and starts her day, without any afterplay or pillow talk. When I kiss her on the lips, she wipes her mouth off. And my teeth need to be freshly brushed for her to kiss me.

In the past 8 years, we’ve probably spent 6 weeks together in hotel rooms on vacation. We had sex one time, and it was awful because my wife was so reluctant. My wife covers her body from head toe in hotel rooms because of "germs" and "bed bugs." She seems to have developed a strong "ick factor.. At home, she sleeps between two body pillows, making it nearly impossible to cuddle her. She claims she needs the body pillows because she has a sore hip.

I finally told her that I WILL have an active sex life. And I will have that active sex life with either her or someone else, but I will not cheat on her (meaning I will leave her if things don’t get better). And to top it off, I now have transference issues with my female therapist of 7 1/2 years. For those not familiar, transference, in this case, means I have become attracted to my therapist, but am just projecting onto her my frustrations with someone else.

My wife is very anxious, which I think contributes to the problem. She is finally starting to get treatment for this. I’m willing to give her a chance that our sex life will improve once her anxiety eases. But I’m running out of patience. I’m 62 years old and I want very much to have an active and enjoyable sex life.

Thoughts and comments would be appreciated.

How old is your wife? Is she menopausal? Sex could possibly cause her pain and discomfort due to thinning of the walls as well as dryness and her libido might be quite low. 6 times a year might be all she can handle. Frankly my needs are quite different in 50s than they were in my 30s. Are there other things you can do besides intercourse? Also is there are other type of affection you can show to each other? Massage? Touch etc?

It’s neither here nor there but bed bugs are actually a big issue nowadays even in the most fancy hotels. Many people are reluctant to disrobe in hotels due to that. I honestly prefer not to be intimate in hotels.

I am sure telling her you’ll leave her if she doesn’t put out, isn’t going to make her wanting sex. You can’t force it

Having said that I understand your struggle. Sadly many people are either not sexually compatible or just in different places in life with different priorities. I keep hearing on this forum and irl from women wanting more sex and their husbands aren’t providing that. It sounds like they’d need to be married to someone like you and your wife would be happier with their husbands. People seem to be mismatched in that regards or just don’t have same priorities

My wife is 60. She has some dryness, but we use lube and that solves the problem. I don’t know if her sex drive is lower because she won’t tell me. She likes ha int her feet or back rubbed, but she reacts to it therapeutically. She wants me to do it because it eases her aches and pains or relaxes her. She never treats it as something sensual or as a way to connect. I didn’t really threaten to leave her. I made it very clear that I want an active sex life with her, not someone else. But I am trying to get across to her the sense of urgency. I think she takes me for granted.

Is your wife on any medications?

Could've fooled me. You've told her she needs to put out and do it quickly or you'll find another person to have your active sex life with.

If I were her, I'd tell you to go, but that's just me.

That’s definitely a threat:. “And I will have that active sex life with either her or someone else, but I will not cheat on her (meaning I will leave her if things don’t get better)”. If she already isn’t into sex and suffers from anxiety, after hearing or suspecting that you might leave if she doesn’t have sex as often as you want, she likely won’t be able to do it at all. Sense of urgency (why such urgency?) on man’s part doesn’t make a woman more willing. It actually is the other way around. You want her to enjoy it. Fear that her husband might leave her, absolutely will stop her from enjoying it

I find interesting that you don’t know if she has lower sex drive (which is common as she is 60), I find it interesting that you didn’t even have that discussion with her?

Ultimately you have to decide. If frequent sex is a priority for you over marriage to this woman, I suggest you leave and look for other women (might have to look for much younger, many women in their 60s won’t have sex as frequently as you need). If she is more important than frequent sex, then you start looking into perhaps reasons why she doesn’t need it as often or perhaps look for alternatives.

So you might find someone younger to provide sex for you and then when you start experiencing your own inabilities you may get dumped and be left alone.

A few things I'm wondering about:

What would be wrong with sex on Sunday mornings?

Sex just isn't worth doing if her attitude is less than ideal?

Maybe the tissues help her feel more willing to participate?

Sex just isn't worth doing without afterplay the way you want it?

How important are the hotels--6 weeks out of 8 years--in the broader scheme of things?

Did anything in particular happen or start 12 years ago such that sex got so much less frequent?

What does your therapist say about the situation?

[QUOTE=Open Eyes;6920547]Is your wife on any medications?

No meds.

I didn’t tell her "to put out." I told her I want to have an active sex live with her. No matter what some may claim, sex is a critical part of love and marriage. In the long run, I will not be able to stay in a sexless marriage.

You didn’t say it was sexless. You said it was infrequent and not to your liking in general.

It’s understandable you want more sex. So if you are unable to stay due to infrequent sex, then you’ll leave. It’s seems like a solution.

I don’t think anyone said that sex isn’t important. It’s just that you can’t force someone to enjoy it or scare them into having it more often. It doesn’t work that way.

Of course you are free to end your marriage for any reason or no reason at all

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Nothing wrong with sex on Sunday morning. But other times would be nice. And more often than six times a year would be very nice.

Attitude doesn’t have to be ideal. But I don’t want her to treat as a chore that she just needs to get over with.

The tissues make it look as if we are doing something dirty. But I’d be okay with it if the other problems were fixed.

Afterplay doesn’t have to be my way, or in any particular form. But having her jump out of bed immediately after, get dressed, and go about her day is a real turnoff.

I hear what your saying about the hotels. But I always thought going away on vacation is an especially good time to rekindle your romance. Especially on a romantic river cruise.

Maybe the change 12 years ago was menopause..

My therapist understands my frustration. She says we need couples counseling (with a different therapist, of course). But my wife refuses.

Psychologists and their like say a marriage is sexless if you have sex less than 10 times a year. That’s definitely us.

I’m not necessarily looking for someone younger. Plenty of women in their 60s have high sex drives and active sex lives. Anyone from their late 40s and up could work for me.

No meds.

I wonder if she would go for individual counseling. Maybe she would consider discussing it without you around?

Hi Jbear,

Your situation is obviously very painful and dissatisfying. I don't think your ultimatum is in any way unreasonable, but do you think you've considered the health of your relationship in other areas...and also maybe your personal issues about sex (whether the urgency just stems from your natural drive or whether there's other issues at play). It must be worrying the thought of leaving, especially as you have become a father to your wife's children. I think your pain is completely understandable especially as you haven't given to understanding the cause of your wife's difficulty in being intimate with you...from what you've said it does sound like her issue is of intimacy and not only sex. You must be frustrated that she won't join you in couples therapy. It might sound corny, but have you tried writing each other letters? Do you think that's something she'd be able to do? If she really can't take any steps to meet you then I can't imagine how you could be expected to stay in your marriage. It is very sad and I hope that you can find a way to open your hearts to each other and rekindle

That’s possible. But how do you really know? There is no way to know how often other people have sex (I’d not go by what they tell you).

You might end this marriage and look for other women and they might not want to have frequent sex either. That’s a tricky one. Or you might not find meaningful relationship (it’s not as easy to find as we get older) and might have to settle for hookups (although 60 something ladies aren’t as much into hookups). Or you might not find anyone suitable and have to stay single and take care of your needs on your own as everyone who doesn’t have regular partners

I am not negating importance of your issue, I am just thinking if you are willing to grow old alone (it’s a possibility) because you don’t have enough sex. I am not sure how realistic you are about finding 60 something women willing to have new relationships and frequent sex. They might have their own high expectations of a man (not sexual) and it might not be as easy to start a new relationship as you think

Hi-

I have no idea how old you are....and you do not need to answer. As another poster said, How do you honestly know women in their 60s are having frequent intercourse?

I am a nurse, and there are a lot of memes joking about how afraid RNs are of bedbugs. I had one crawl on me at ex’s...the bedbugs were in his apartment a year before, the apartment was treated professionally....he moved into a townhouse, and they survived over a YEAR. He just thought they were in his son’s mattress & treated the son’s room. BFs mattress was in storage, I have no idea how the bed bugs got into his room....but one crawled on me. I then went down stairs & told him he had another issue..

During menopause, there is a lack of estrogen, sometimes, many times, causing vaginal atrophy. Google it. There is no magic blue pill for women to take....Hormone replacement therapy can be dangerous. Even topical estrogen applied to the vagina is contraindicated in breast cancer survivors...so how safe is it? Are you ok if your wife has a lot of sex with you and develops an estrogen related cancer? Breast cancer and gynecological cancers, especially, are severe.

I had this sex/ menopause issue with my ex....I WISH it was as easy as popping a pill...

Does she indicate why she does not want to have sex? For me, it was painful, with lube & I bled... and then, I avoided even making out with him, because I would say, we can go,so far, and he knew he would orgasm, but no intercourse....And of course, we would get to a certain point and I would be asked “please let me put it in”....ummm...no it causes intense pain and bleeding...
I am not accusing you of this...I am being extremely honest....so I asked him how about I lube up a tapered candle stick and stick it down his urethra? Of course not....it would hurt....and I honestly would not want him to be in pain for my pleasure.

I really think this type of thing needs a lot of open communication. And honesty...and for men to,realize it is not as easy as popping a pill.

I have been taking a break from PC but was reading this thread and felt like chiming in.

Your need for more frequent sex is most valid. Your wife seems to not want it and may not even enjoy it. That’s my take. I’m nearly 50 and am entering menopause. I imagine and realize that as we age our sex drive may diminish considerably. However six times per year is really really low and in my opinion inadequate.. I have a strong and healthy sex drive and once per month is far too little for me. Once per week, given that I’m tired after a long day? Ok, I can handle that.

Your desire for far more sex is not only healthy but valid. It’s gone on for years now. And if your wife feels that it’s dirty then it’s a serious problem.

Perhaps marriage counseling will help to uncover the underlying issues that prevent a healthier and more satisfying sex life. Perhaps that would be a good next step before a decision to separate or divorce - at least then you will have fully tried every avenue first.

That’s my two cents!