[Rose76]

I have a female friend whom I've known for over 15 years. At times we've been fairly close. At times we've drifted apart. Lately we have been seeing each other more and have gotten close again. Today I stopped by her apartment and was shocked by what I saw.

This friend of mine is a compulsive gambler. I figured that out many years ago. She freely admits it herself. Despite an adequate income, she would often be late paying her rent. She told me, years ago, that she would go without food, at times, in order to pay on her credit card debt. That debt was mostly from her getting cash advances from the ATMs at the casinos.

Today, because of the extreme heat we're having, she came to the door wearing just a sleeveless nightgown. I was shocked when I saw her arms. My friend is starving. I could see the contours of the bone in her upper arm - the humerus. She is literally starving. She must have been starving for quite a while. She's a couple of years younger than I, but her face is much more aged looking than mine is.. She has lost muscle mass in her face.

I feel so sorry for her. We've gotten together a few times recently, after 2 years of distance. The distance was due to my caring from a loved one who passed away recently. Now I have more time for friends. When we did things together recently, she was wearing long-sleeved tops. Seeing her arms today shocked me.

My friend has no diagnosis that would cause this much "wasting" of muscle mass. She just fails to keep enough food in her house.

I believe she will soon have consequences to this not eating. I'm wondering what I can say or do to try and influence her to eat better.

[unaluna]

My state has state-run casinos, so they also frequently run television commercials for problem gambling, how to get help. But my mother spent her last conscious night in a casino, so i dont hold out much hope. My uncle (my mothers brother) once asked me if i were a gambler like my mother, and i said, oh no - if i put a dollar in a machine, i want a Snickers or a pop back right away! So thats my choice.

[Rose76]

I'm like you, unaluna. It's hard for me to understand someone sitting in front of a slot machine for hours and hours.

I don't think she wants to, or can, give up this addiction to the casinos. Her appearance is ghastly. I think she needs to see a doctor.

[divine1966]

Yeah it’s an addiction. It’s not something she can just stop. She needs help. Sadly people don’t seek help until they are ready and hit their own personal rock bottom. Some sadly never seek help. You could ask if she eats enough and suggest that there’s help available if she says she can’t afford food. It’s very sad.

[Rose76]

It really is awful sad. She likes to call me up and say things like, "I had popcorn for dinner." She does not seem to have anorexia or bulimia. When we go for lunch or dinner together, she orders a normal amount of food and seems very interested in eating in. Recently, I made dinner for the two of us, and she ate well.

She tells me that she believes in "paying her bills," even if that means not buying groceries. She sort of brags that this is evidence of how much integrity she has. But those "bills" are simply credit card debt, which seems to constantly grow bigger. Her income is large enough to easily meet her cost of living, if she lived normally. In the past she would keep getting more and more credit cards. She would use a cash advance from one to pay the other. That's probably where she is at now.

She gets a lot of her medical advice from an "alternative" practitioner. This person is licensed to give massages. She has no other medical credentials. She sells expensive products to her that come from Asia. That's money that would be better spent on food.

Since this person gives my friend massages, she certainly has to be a witness to this extreme loss of muscle tissue. (My friend eats little protein.) Yet, I haven't heard that she tells my friend how wasted away she looks. She did advise my friend to start drinking "Ensure." My friend buys a few cans once in a while. It's not enough to substitute for normal eating.

I never say anything about her gambling. I figure that's her business. But this self-starving is frightful to behold.

There may really be not a lot I can do. I never thought I would watch someone do this to themself.

[Discombobulated]

It sounds like self neglect. Sadly it isn't all that uncommon friends who work with the elderly tell me. If the person is of sound mind there is little that you can do, it's the right to make unwise decisions. Very very hard to watch.

All I can suggest is when you can and it's appropriate you encourage her to eat well, eating together can be a big encouragement- some times with older people (I think your friend is an older person somehow, apologies if I'm wrong) they just don't have motivation to eat when they live alone.

[divine1966]

If she still works, I wonder how she is able to perform work tasks in her state and do people at work notice that she is unwell? I can’t do a good job at work without being sufficiently caffeinated and having some type nourishment. I can skip breakfast but I need to eat lunch to get through the day.

I wonder if her starving is due to insufficient funds, she could seek soup kitchen services? Food bank?

[Open Eyes]

I guess like any other addiction it's a form of escape maybe? I have read and heard about how a lot of older retired individuals take the buses to the casinos and they gamble all day often spending their entire social security money each month and then not having enough money to eat. Like many other addictions, they don't plan on becoming addicted to it. And the casinos are very accommodating and welcoming yet it's terrible in that the odds are always in the casino's favor. What you are seeing in your friend is often what happens to many of these individuals, and it's ignored in that there are no efforts to stop it from happening. Only a warning to get help for the gambling addiction. I am sorry as it's very hard to care about someone and not know how to help them.

[Rose76]

Yes, she says herself that this is an addiction. She got heavy into it after 2 family members who lived with her passed away.

She lost a job 2 months ago, but is getting unemployment. When that runs out, she is old enough to get Social Security. It seems her debt keeps escalating because IMO she keeps using credit cards to gamble. I think paying on those cards reduces what she can spend on groceries.

Up till 4 months ago, she was working. This lack of eating probably goes back further and got worse recently.

She did even mention to me that she might need help from a food pantry for the poor in the future. She can't get food stamps because her income is not low enough.

It is self-neglect. She insists she has to pay her "bills" before buying food.

I realize no one can force her to feed herself better. She is mentally competent.

I believe I can influence her a little. We can go out to eat. If I wasn't so depressed, I'ld have her over more to my house to eat with me. I've been too deoressed to cook.

[TishaBuv]

It sounds like she has a gambling addiction and an eating disorder. I agree, it’s self neglect.

I had a friend with a gambling addiction who was very overweight. One of the perks of the casinos is they have low cost buffets. She was enjoying overeating while gambling away everything.

Your friend has gone a different route. People just cope differently.

When I was a kid I just didn’t eat. It did look like anorexia, and people used to tell me how awful I looked, but I did not falsely think I was fat. I’m not sure what was the reason. It sounds like your friend has something like this, more than it being anorexia or bulimia, where you think you are fat. I’ve known alcoholics who are very skinny, don’t eat, just drink.

I know it must be upsetting to have recently had your bf pass, and now have worries about your friend. Maybe being a good friend and helping her by eating with her will be good to help you with the loss you feel.