He said he loved me

I'm in a process of divorce. I've been married a year, in the relationship for 7 to 8 years. It's been abusive emotionally and mentally. There were good times and bad times. But he turned from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde all the time.

Long story short, he was admitted in Chandler, az in hospital. He had been missing a week without calling me until recently. We had a massive fight. I'm tired of being told to tell people what to do on his behalf. I'm tired of him slitting his wrists and showing it to me. I'm tired of him assuming I'm not doing the best I can when I did. So he left in the middle of the night. He kept calling me few times three days from yesterday. He said he's sorry, he said he wanted to talk to me. He said he doesn't want my dreams lost, he said he wanted to fix things and so on. I don't know what to believe. My parents think he's a sociopath and the book psychopath free says as much. I just dont know how I feel and I really don't know what to do. He always hated it here, he hated the dog, he was always controlling and he expects me to do everything for him. He never works and is always sick and in pain since forever. I do love him, but I can't do this as he did this multiple times.

How many times must I forgive him?

I can't do this anymore. It's just hurting me so much when he send me these voicemails, but I know we'll be right back to what we've started.

Been there, done that. Emotionally and mentally abusive people DO NOT CHANGE. Get out and get on with your life.

Don't be fooled by "reforms". They are a temporary tool to get you in line with what they want. To suck you back in. Like a Hoover. That's why they call it "hoovering".

It's ALWAYS about what they want. And they'll do or say *anything* to make that happen. Am I right?

My heart goes out to you. I know the pain and conflicting emotions all too well.

*********
Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

Dear FridayT,

I am so terribly sorry that you are in this unhappy situation. Although I would not want to trespass on the uniqueness of your situation, I think I can say that I have a bit of understanding since I was in a similar situation once. Just reading your post brought back so many vivid but unhappy memories. It is utterly heartbreaking what you are going through and my heart goes out to you!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

Hi Friday everything you posted is proof that you have been in a toxic relationship that is very unhealthy for you.

Actually it doesn’t even matter what personality disorder this individual has. There is nothing you can do to change his ongoing toxic that you continue to be a victim of. You have to make the decision to put an end to your being subjected to such an unhealthy individual.

You must decide that you deserve better. And you should seek therapy to not only help you with that but to help you choose healthier relationships from now on.

You don't have to. Unless you choose to. I would learn from the past and not engage in the same dance, with the same patterns, and the same outcome. Saying he wants to change and/or love you is not enough. What is he doing to prove to you that these are not empty words.

That doesn't mean you have to get back with him. IF he wants to 'fix things', he needs to fix himself first. Once he is relationship material (he clearly isn't now) then it is up to you to decide whether you want him in your life or not. You are 'allowed' to move on and be happy.

Honestly, if it's been going on for for 7-8 years, I think you already saw his true colours. Set your boundaries and only be with someone who knows the meaning of love and respect. This man is abusive and manipulative. That is most certainly not love that he claims to have for you.

The suicidal stuff is an emotional hijack. If he threatens or does something to himself you have to call the police or 911.

He's already in mental hospital. The trouble is is that he might not stay long there. But he has no home, no longer married and his brother passed away last month.

This may sound like tough love, but you were not brought into this world to be his salvation. He clearly has issues, and should be in long-term treatment, but destroying your life is not a way to improve his. Honey, you are better off alone than in this relationship. block his number, change your number if you have to, it sounds like you have supportive parents, engage their help if you need it. There are resources for him, and I doubt he is truly suicidal (most people who are don't advertise it so openly, hence the suicide epidemic, in his case it sounds like dramatic ways to draw your attention any time you distance yourself).
I have had both an emotionally abusive relationship, and a relationship with a man who loved, respected, and treasured me. They are out there, they do exist, don't think this is all you can ever have. What you are feeling is not love, I'm not a doctor but it sounds a bit like codependence combined with pity, and guilt that he keeps making you feel.
Hang in there, I wish you luck, and send you many hugs dear.

In the situation I was in, the "troubles" were never-ending. I'd always think I'd wait for "a good time" for things, but they never really happened. There would always be something that would keep me latched in. I believe it's part of the dysfunction and control. Don't let it trap you.

*********
Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

It is possible to love someone and also to realize that a healthy relationship with that person is impossible.

To my mind, that is the case here.

I agree with those who say block him and continue the divorce proceedings.

Don't let him back in.

P.S. Are you familiar with emotional blackmail? That is what he is doing to you when shows you his wrists, threatens suicide, etc.

Don't let him back in.

An extremely famous person said forgive 70 x 7. I think that we should do this, as in have an open heart that is ready for good change, and works on it. We must also take things in and say what needs to be said. You said you love him so try relationship counselling, and agree to have him in your life on that promise. Its up to you, but if you love him fight for this relationship, if hes worth it of course.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Prycejosh1987 An extremely famous person said forgive 70 x 7. I think that we should do this, as in have an open heart that is ready for good change, and works on it. We must also take things in and say what needs to be said. You said you love him so try relationship counselling, and agree to have him in your life on that promise. Its up to you, but if you love him fight for this relationship, if hes worth it of course.

Even though this is an old thread I thought I’d address this. A person does not need to try relationship counseling, or fight for a toxic abusive relationship that is clearly unhealthy for the op. Her heart was plenty open and I’m sure she would want good change. Unfortunately this man is an Asshole.

She is a victim of his bad treatment and manipulation. I am not sure why you are telling her to stay with him. .

Good post. This is one of many forms of abuse.

@Prycejosh1987 I noticed that you have been looking at and posting to different threads, some of which are older threads. You seem to have a message of forgive and try to heal and help etc., You have never had your own thread here at PC. I wonder what YOUR story is and why you express a need to forgive and try to help so much.

When I experienced a trauma where I suffered so much loss I was emotionally overwhelmed and experienced a post traumatic breakdown. I had no idea what that was but what I do know is that I was not getting much sleep and basically dealing with addressing all the loss and a death I could not prevent and I just could not do one more day after 3 months of constantly addressing more than I could handle.

I ended up in a psych ward which was the wrong place for me to go, what I needed was a break and to get some real rest and be able to process all this loss. I was never so physically and mentally and emotionally exhausted in my life and I had been through plenty of things that traumatized me.

While I was in this psych ward I went into a big room where there was a televison and I was alone and dazed just watching whatever was on the TV. A guy came in and sat close to me and he said he was Jesus Christ and that he could see I was in a great deal of pain and that if I let him touch me he could take my pain away. Well, that was the last thing I expected and yet I was struggling so badly a part of me "wished" this stranger could touch me and take all the pain I was experiencing away.

He talked about how he was put here to save others and sacrifice himself. I was kind to him, yet I did slowly get up and walked to my room. He followed me around the next day and I did not know what to do. That was the first time I heard the word "psychosis" and that this young man was psychotic and being treated for that challenge.

I knew he was not a bad person, but instead a very HURT person. Somehow, he believed this hurt meant he was put here to recognize hurt and heal others. He was confused and genuinely thinking he had to give up his own needs for others.

I think you are trying to be a healer, but you cant give up yourself for the broken. You have to heal your own brokenness. Truth is, it's not an easy thing to do. Especially for a kind and nice person, they tend to hurt so much deeper to a point where they get very crippled and very lost.

You remind me of that very hurt and lost man and the truth is, he was the one who needed the help and to be saved. He needed medication and help to deal with his own hurts.

Does that make sense to you Prycejosh1987?

@FridayT it’s been a while how are you doing?

There is healthy love and there is toxic love. This is toxic love. And his attempts at suicide or showing you his slit wrists are attempts at emotional manipulation, which is toxic and unhealthy.

You say you love him, but what do you love exactly, and what does he give you in return that is positive and which enhances your life? It sounds like he drags you down verses lifting you up or enhancing your life in any way.

Cut ties. Divorce. Do not look back. Do not let his manipulations control or confuse you, Understand the difference between healthy love and toxic love. Don't back down. Stay strong.

I think you have to draw the line somewhere. You should not take all the abuse, its unhealthy. I suggest that you and him try marriage counselling, so you can air out all of your feelings and he can too.

Hi, it's been a while i know. Yeah, as for this person's idea of forgiveness, i don't believe in forgiveness. I hope some of the commenters weren't assuming i'm a woman. I'm a man. Right now i've been trying to figure out things. i would like to have support from people on this. I'm grateful for some of the comments. Yes it is toxic this relationship is and considering the 9 years of absolute hell it was, i just can't fanthom how this is healthy.

i've tried to divorce him twice, but for some odd reason the court isn't doing anything about it despite putting it through them. Besides, i just want this stupid marriage dissolved. i shouldn't have married the sob.

It's sad, he just kept claiming that he wasn't abusive but i was. I'm sorry, how was trying brain me with a weapon meaning i'm the abuser? Especially when in that same scenario, i was devestated because of financial struggle and rent payment that was going on two years ago.

right now, i decided to do this;
not return to the apartment, ever.
abandon all of my belongings i didn't carry with me
cut off contact
i'm looking to find another job
i'm hoping to find a vehicle i can just live in because i'm homeless right now.

I had made a youtube video explaining a little of my painful situation. of course, he left a comment saying i'm a liar. cute, this is nothing new of course.

no worries, i'm cutting him off permanently. i'm done.