FAQ/Help |
Calendar |
Search |
Grand Magnate
Member Since Oct 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 4,713
(SuperPoster!)
4 11.7k hugs
given |
#1
I am starting this thread in the hope people will please share experiences and insights into how they have developed friendships in nature adulthood.
In my experience it gets harder as we age and many people are already in established friendship groups and not necessarily open to new friends (although they may like the person). I am not talking about how to meet people but rather how we develop those friendships - this is actually the bit I find difficult so in the past I have had acquaintances but not friends really. I am working on this and trying to develop new friendships but it's not always easy. Thoughts? |
Reply With Quote |
bharani1008, Bill3, Fuzzybear, TunedOut, WovenGalaxy
|
Bill3, Kattin, RoxanneToto, TunedOut, WovenGalaxy
|
Grand Magnate
Member Since Oct 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 4,713
(SuperPoster!)
4 11.7k hugs
given |
#2
I want to add I have feedback I am a good listener but I find it difficult to contribute sometimes to conversation, I know sharing our thoughts and feelings is part of developing friendships.
|
Reply With Quote |
bharani1008, Bill3, Fuzzybear, lilacsnow, TunedOut
|
Bill3, TunedOut
|
Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,360
(SuperPoster!)
21 81.3k hugs
given |
#3
I've had feedback I'm a good listener too. I think being a good listener is a very important quality in a friend. And for me, I like people with empathy. (and I like sensitive people but not so much that they imagine slights when none are there)
I always value your posts here on pc. I think you are a great member and I consider you a friend here. I think some groups of adults are more open to new friends than others. I tend to avoid people a lot Hugs __________________ |
Reply With Quote |
Bill3, Discombobulated, Hobbit House, TunedOut
|
Bill3, Discombobulated, Hobbit House, TunedOut
|
Grand Poohbah
Member Since May 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 1,523
4 6,984 hugs
given |
#4
Quote:
COVID has also made it harder to get out their amongst people our own age. I hope to some day go to the church that I have been attending online. Who knows when that will happen--it seems like a distant dream right now. You ARE a great listener and I am grateful for your friendship. In addition to being a great listener, you are extraordinarily loyal (something I need to improve about myself) and sympathetic to all that are suffering in this world. I admire you for all the volunteer work you have done in the past (I assume COVID has shut some of these opportunities down). You are the best!!! |
|
Reply With Quote |
Bill3, Discombobulated
|
Bill3, Discombobulated, RoxanneToto
|
Threadtastic Postaholic
Member Since Dec 2018
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 6,006
(SuperPoster!)
5 192 hugs
given |
#5
I think it helps to have a commonality and exposure to groups and socialization that has a common interest. I have made some great friends due to AA.
__________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society. |
Reply With Quote |
Discombobulated
|
Discombobulated
|
Grand Magnate
Member Since Oct 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 4,713
(SuperPoster!)
4 11.7k hugs
given |
#6
@sarahsweets yes I agree common interests are a good start - shared values and goals. That is good you have made friends through AA and I imagine mutual support has been a part of that.
@TunedOut thankyou so much for your kind words! I agree lockdown made it hard to sustain conversations when so little was happening in our day to day lives and of course it limited our opportunities for meeting up. I actually developed a new friendship in lockdown with someone I knew many years on acquaintances level it kind of focussed me more on what was truly important. I am a little reserved in nature and it is often hard for me to make first moves. @Fuzzybear thank you fuzzy! I do regard you as a friend too - I do hope you aren't avoiding too many people irl, this is something I have done too because it feels safer. You are right some groups are more open than others and it's a case of spotting those opportunities to develop friendships whilst also being discerning about who we mix with. |
Reply With Quote |
bharani1008, Fuzzybear, TunedOut
|
Fuzzybear, RoxanneToto, TunedOut
|
Magnate
Member Since Sep 2019
Location: Earth
Posts: 2,854
4 4,842 hugs
given |
#7
Haven't read the replies yet. But here's mine. Friendships, just like romantic relationships, take work and open communication and respect. Sometimes, that work is working on ourselves so that we are able and open to give and receive friendship (just an example would be working on one's self esteem and social fears - challenging them). But we also have to show up consistently for friendship. Whether that's just continuing to go to the cooking class we signed up for (putting ourselves out there), or actually actively nurturing the friendships we have already. This means checking in once a week maybe, or biweekly, by text, and setting up times to meet. There's a fine line too, when a friend gets busy. Or we get busy. They may not have as much time for us. Or we them. I think this is where respect for the other person comes in as well as a strong self esteem.
|
Reply With Quote |
Bill3, Discombobulated
|
Bill3, Discombobulated, RoxanneToto, seesaw
|
Grand Magnate
Member Since Oct 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 4,713
(SuperPoster!)
4 11.7k hugs
given |
#8
That's great input thanks @WovenGalaxy
I think maintenance is a good point. I think this is one area I am better in than in the past. I let a lot of contacts drift, I wasn't as good at keeping in touch especially when my family was young. It's funny though I have a casual friend who I used to see a lot more with an activity we shared and we drifted apart. I texted her a while back and apologised for letting things drift but she texted back a friendly reply saying it was a 2 way thing and she also hadn't got in touch so no need to apologise but she was always happy to see me. It feels like there are friendships (less close) where sometimes contact can drift and it's okay. I think closer friendship needs more work though like you say WG. And I agree there are definitely times when life gets busy and people can't stay in touch and respecting and understanding that is important. |
Reply With Quote |
RoxanneToto, WovenGalaxy
|
Magnate
Member Since Sep 2019
Location: Earth
Posts: 2,854
4 4,842 hugs
given |
#9
Quote:
Yeah, I agree, there's levels of friendships and different behaviors apply to different levels. |
|
Reply With Quote |
Discombobulated
|
Legendary
Member Since Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,924
15 24.1k hugs
given |
#10
Perhaps seeing (if safe) or speaking on the phone/skyping with that casual friend you mentioned would be a good place to start?
Quote:
|
|
Reply With Quote |
Discombobulated, RoxanneToto
|
Human
Member Since Apr 2014
Location: Home
Posts: 8,348
(SuperPoster!)
10 1,263 hugs
given |
#11
Quote:
For me, the friends that have become very close, it's really just been taking the time to hang out, get to know each other, take it slow, and let it build. My best friend I met here on PC in 2017. We started out as anonymous people. Now we have actually hung out in person, besides video calls frequently and doing the Netflix party thing. Another example, at the beginning of the pandemic I met a woman through Nextdoor. We live in the same complex and arranged doggy playdates for our dogs. Once a week turned into twice a week turned into every day, turned into gardening jaunts together, and now she actually works with me and is a great friend. (She's texting me now, lol.) I have a nextdoor neighbor who is older and is trying to connect. I'm trying to make time to engage with her and get to know her. She joins me on dog walks occasionally. I think you have to take it slowly at first and really make sure they are someone you are comfortable opening up to. Friendships don't grow over night. Also, it's important to look for people who are also looking for friendships. I think it's also important to be comfortable with yourself. If you approach a new friendship like you're looking just for someone to lean on, that might not go off well with someone who is looking for a friend too. People don't want to be a stand in therapist. So just be careful that your time with new friends isn't all about getting support. Not saying this is you, but I think we often get lonely and then as adults come off more needy when we try to build friendships. Hope this helps. __________________ What if I fall? Oh, my dear, but what if you fly? Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia. Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less... |
|
Reply With Quote |
Bill3, Discombobulated, RoxanneToto
|
Grand Magnate
Member Since Oct 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 4,713
(SuperPoster!)
4 11.7k hugs
given |
#12
Quote:
Yes I agree about the drifting and this other friend and me are not close but I do really like her - we once shared an activity but she no longer does that activity so this fits in what Seesaw says about different types of friend. |
|
Reply With Quote |
Bill3
|
Grand Magnate
Member Since Oct 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 4,713
(SuperPoster!)
4 11.7k hugs
given |
#13
@seesaw I really like what you wrote. I do take things slowly, I am very cautious by nature, and I think this is good.
Not using people for support also seems very good advice. I had someone do that to me once and it was my failing that I did not effectively voice I was uncomfortable with that to them. I got worn down by it, they used me to vent. This person fast tracked me very quickly into an intense friendship which I at first found flattering I think (they must really like me kind of thing) but then felt stifled. I am trying to reset that friendship with better boundaries because I do essentially like that person. I wouldn't like to do to others what they did to me. I like what you wrote about progression of friendship- you sound like you have learned a lot about healthy friendships. |
Reply With Quote |
RoxanneToto
|
Legendary
Member Since Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,924
15 24.1k hugs
given |
#14
Quote:
I agree, not too many seeds--but also not too few. |
|
Reply With Quote |
Discombobulated
|
Member
Member Since Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
6 |
#15
What I have learned is that it is good to be specific in what you need in a friend. For instance I have silly hang out friends that I can just goof off and say whatever with. I don't really talk about anything deep with them but that's ok. Then I have friends I can confide in, but I tend to be more reserved with them because they tend to be more sensitive.
You can find the former at a bowling alley, disc golf course, etc. The latter you can find at self help groups, churches, etc. And some friends are in between or don't fall into any specific category. The key I learned is to let go of too many expectations. Friends are just friends. |
Reply With Quote |
seesaw
|
Discombobulated, RoxanneToto, seesaw
|
Human
Member Since Apr 2014
Location: Home
Posts: 8,348
(SuperPoster!)
10 1,263 hugs
given |
#16
__________________ What if I fall? Oh, my dear, but what if you fly? Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia. Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less... |
Reply With Quote |
Bill3, Discombobulated, guy1111
|
Member
Member Since Jul 2020
Location: UK
Posts: 368
3 |
#17
I think as we grow older its easier to make good friendships but its harder to find people that will less us in. In other words, its harder to make friends with people that are older because of the baggage they carry, partners and kids. I found it much easier to make friends when i was young, i had an abundance of friends.
|
Reply With Quote |
Discombobulated
|
Grand Poohbah
Member Since Aug 2020
Location: England
Posts: 1,692
3 6,991 hugs
given |
#18
I’ve never found it easy to make friends, at any age. I had a “best” friend but we drifted apart and she went radio silent after my birthday. I’d got to the point where I felt uncomfortable being with her as well, as we mostly ended up watching videos on her phone/tv and it was hard to make conversation or encourage her to do anything more interactive.
Reading some of these posts does give me some encouragement to try again, not with her, but in general. |
Reply With Quote |
Bill3, Discombobulated, WovenGalaxy
|
Bill3, Discombobulated
|
Grand Magnate
Member Since Oct 2012
Posts: 3,628
11 1,114 hugs
given |
#19
Quote:
As I've gotten older, it's been very difficult to try to make friends. It's a combination of old friends drifting apart, not having much in common with the people out there now, and finding that people around my age are kind of weird. Well, maybe I'm weird, too. I think about all of the friends and acquaintances I had when I was younger, like in college. In thinking back, I had so much more going for me back then than I do now. I thought that I didn't have much back then. It would be nice if I could hear from those people from the past, but that doesn't seem possible. |
|
Reply With Quote |
WovenGalaxy
|
Member
Member Since Nov 2020
Location: USA
Posts: 46
3 |
#20
It's really harder to make friends in adulthood. Especially when you already have a family, you are building a career and you do not have much free time.
From my experience, I can tell you how I started a friendship as an adult. It wasn't planned, I wasn't looking for friends. I just did repairs at home and I was recommended a team of workers. The repairs took a long time, about 4 months, and I was almost always in the house, so I had to communicate with the staff. And one of them turned out to be a very interesting person, we had many common interests. In 2 months we started to invite each other to visit, to ask for help. The renovation finished, but our friendship remains. |
Reply With Quote |
Discombobulated
|
Reply |
|