Shouldn't be forced to like family members or confide in them for the sake of family

Does anyone else believe that you shouldn't be forced to like everyone or confide in everyone who are family members? I've heard some people say to me that family is family and no matter what, you should always confide in them and trust them no matter what. I don't think this is true. I treat family the same way I would treat anyone else. If they are trust worthy, I am going to treat them with more respect. If they aren't trustworthy then I will keep my distance.

Also I am the kind of person that doesn't feel comfortable confiding in family members. I am more comfortable confiding in friends about stuff. I think family members have the potential to be extremely toxic, perhaps more toxic than friends because it is perceived that you should have unconditional trust and love towards your family, which makes it easier for them to get away from stuff.

I don't think they should always be trusted. Yes, I've been burned by many people in the past who I thought were real friends, but there are even more times where family members have been even more toxic and they get away with it because they are family and should always be forgiven. I don't tell them anything personal unless it is absolutely necessary, like a required trip to the hospital or something.

Are you more comfortable confiding in friends or other people outside of your family? I think trust has to be earned, even with family members. Same thing goes with meeting new family members, usually extended members. Some people just start telling a family member they barely know their personal stuff just because they are family. I don't do that. Not comfortable with that. Do you keep personal stuff, including feelings and bad things that happen, private and away from your family members? I hate it when my family finds out personal stuff. Just because they are family doesn't mean they need to know. None of their business. They can be so judgmental and dismissive.

I agree, and I’m pretty much “grey rock” with certain people in mine, mostly because they’ve proven themselves to be untrustworthy and disrespectful (covert and otherwise). It’s worse when family let you down because of the implication they’re meant to have your best interests at heart, no matter what.
Being family doesn’t mean they’re entitled to force relationships/sharing stuff with you. I love my mum but still don’t want to tell her everything.

No one can force you to do anything you don't want to do. I confide in people who I believe that are safe people.

Yep I totally agree with everything you said. I believe family members are more likely to get away with stuff just because they are family and it is perceived that you must trust them and even forgive them no matter way. And yeah, I don't trust everyone in my family because they proved to be untrustworthy.

Yep I totally agree.

Can relate to everything you say!

The saying "blood is thicker than water" really annoys me. It's another example of family bad behaviour being excused. Different members of my family (blood relatives and those introduced through marriage) play this game. No, they cannot demand that you tell them everything. In my case, I don't so some make it up anyway.

Rarely can family give an objective view if you confide in them and would like support. It's what I call family dynamics.

My sister-in-law is a difficult person to like. She has no filter. A few years ago, she told me that my mother and aunt (mother's sister) "do her head in". To this day I've never repeated that comment to anyone in the family despite sister-in-law lashing out at me last year. My mother has tried many times (and failed) since that event to discredit me and force me into apologising. My brother thinks it's funny and said about his wife "oh, she wasn't going to hit you". His attitude is to talk over me. If he said it enough times, he'd convince himself his wife didn't do anything wrong. If I told my mother what had been said about her, it would probably completely ruin her delicate state of health.

That's how I can relate to everything you say. Just because they are family, it does not excuse bad behaviour. There's very few people in my life that I would feel comfortable confiding in and yes, most are family members. Trust has to be earned, same as respect regardless of whether family or friend.

I’m sorry you are going through problems with your family. I completely agree that family members are not always trusting. Trust has to be earned, no matter who it is. The saying, “blood is thicker than water” annoys me too. I know some people outside my family that I’m way closer to and confide in way more than I ever would with family.

My family basically proved to me, through their words and actions, that I can’t confide in them. Telling me to suck it up when feeling down, blaming me for anything that goes wrong, and a lot more. They basically showed why I can’t confide in them so I always say I am happy or good when asked how I am. I don’t discuss personal matters with them. I’m even more open on here.

Noticed an error in my post!

I should have said in last paragraph There's very few people in my life that I would feel comfortable confiding in and yes, most are not family members.

Oh no problem! Honestly, I had a feeling that was probably an error. But yeah, I agree with you, most people I confide in are not family members. Unless I need to go to the doctors or hospital because something is wrong, I don't tell my family anything. And even during the times where something may be wrong and need to go to the hospital, I only tell my parents. No one else needs to know.

But otherwise, I don't tell anyone, even my parents, personal information and basically how I'm feeling. When I'm asked how I am, I don't even think they are asking beau they genuinely care. It is more of a polite greeting, similar to how strangers and acquaintances ask each other how they are but not actually wanting to know. I treat it the same way. I just say I'm good even when I'm not. They are too judgmental so they will never know if I'm sad or if something is bothering me.

I do not think family members should automatically be trusted just because they are family. In nearly all circumstances I think people need to earn trust by being trustworthy.

I absolutely agree 100 percent. Just because someone is a family member does not mean you should trust them off the bat. In fact, in a lot of cases, family members have been proven to be the most untrustworthy. Like I said in my post, I've been burned many times by people who I thought were real friends, but I know many family members that are actually way worse. In comparison, they even make casual acquaintances seem like better or more trustworthy friends. I don't tell my family anything personal. I think the reason it is worse in my family is because there's no getting away from them until I move out and can put distance between us. No one, family or not, should be trusted right off the bat. As harsh as it sounds, there are family members that I know who I wouldn't care if I never saw again. We have no close relationships.

What type of people do you hang out with? I've never heard people saying this. It's one thing to say, "Family is family and we should love them, regardless," (unless abuse is an issue). But it's up to our own intuition, personal experiences, and personality type, who we feel comfortable in confiding in. Our lives is not an open book. We are entitled to have privacy, if we choose so.

I'm not suggesting to exclude anyone. We can be friendly, supportive, kind, and giving. But we are not obliged to do anything that makes us uncomfortable.

My own family members have said that. Of course I don't believe that one bit. I'm not close to them. I'm closer to friends than family members. I agree with you.

You have a point. The question is if you cant confide in your own family members people that have been with you long time and helped you, who can you talk to. Family are family and even i live by that code and my family hate me.

I think people are just people and blood relationships aren’t the be all and end all. If I knew my family hated me, I’d just distance myself because if someone hates (or is indifferent to me) it generally means if they start being nice, they want to use me, in my experience.
It’s still up to everyone to decide how to interact with their family for themselves, of course, but there’s nothing wrong with forming new “tribes” outside a family if one feels the need to do that.

I see where you come from. It’s just not comfortable for me to open up to my family. Friends are more trustworthy in my experience.

I totally agree. I think having friendships outside of family is good. I distance myself from those who dislike me too. And I agree, someone who dislikes you is most likely using you if they are suddenly very nice.

I also believe that relatives are not always people who can be trusted and with whom you can share thoughts and experiences.
You shouldn't even communicate with some relatives at all.
Most of my relatives are good people to talk to and spend time with.
But I have an aunt and she's just a terrible person. It is impossible to communicate with her, I have a nervous flow because of her.
She always criticizes everything, she’s always unsatisfied. She can easily say, "What happened to your hair? It's like a bomb went off," or “What a terrible hat” and worst of all, she doesn't see anything wrong with it.
Every time I see her on a family holiday, I want to run away

Oh wow I’m sorry you have to deal with your aunt’s behavior. Glad most other people in your family are good. Yeah I agree, not all relatives are trustworthy. A lot of mine are downright rude and arrogant or at least just nosey and ask personal questions. I wish they would mind their own business.