In a Relationship With My Fiancé & His Mom. Narcissistic? Relationship Advice, Help

My fiancé and I have been struggling tremendously. We’ve shed far too many tears over the past 4 years together. I’m currently laying in bed, depressed and out of it, haven’t eaten much in days. I feel like my soon to be mother in law will never stop trying to come between us. I wrote down a bunch of thoughts and feelings last week, decided to share them on here. This is a long read! Sorry if anything is a bit confusing, as I wrote things down I didn’t write in order from the start of our relationship to now, I just wrote as things came to me. I am desperate for advice. If I am out of line or you feel I could do something differently, please tell me. I’m open to all the suggestions I can get.

I FEEL THAT MY PARTNERS MOM IS:

Always right.
One to overstep boundaries.
Displaying excessive neediness.
Lacking empathy towards her son and I.
Always seeking attention and admiration.
Often in relationships that suffer, both intimate and with family and friends.
Showing that she feels threatened or jealous of me.
Dependent on her son for support.
Often threatening the relationship with her son if he doesn’t abide by her requests or support her needs.
Not supportive of and deliberately disrespecting our relationship.
Making it clear to me that I will never be good enough.
Manipulating her son into believing that my partner and I, or I myself, are the cause of the issues we have in our triangle.

SCENARIOS WITH MY (soon to be) MOTHER IN LAW:

When my partner first introduced his mother and I, I reached to give her a hug, she turned her nose up and backed away. She was very cold and didn’t look at me kindly. I remember immediately recognizing that she criticized most of what her son said during our visit and didn’t show any interest in anything I had to say.

The first time the three of us went out for food she mentioned his ex over a handful of times in very complimentary ways. When my partner addressed that it was uncomfortable for me, she laughed and made it very clear I had intense jealousy issues to work through. She told her son that something was psychologically off and feared him being with someone like myself. My partner looks up to his mom and highly values her opinions, she’s a therapist. My “jealously” (more so feelings of disrespect) around her deep connection to his ex gave her what I feel a reason to drill into her sons brain that I had problems, that he should reconsider. This idea had been implanted in my partners brain many times....

When my parnter and I went to his mom to express his excitement for an interview with his dream company (few years back), his mom replied with “this is the worst timing, why did you have to bring this up to me”. I couldn’t never move to or want to visit Fresno (only 2 hours away), I don’t want you to move to Fresno because I could never see myself living there”. She cried in that moment and felt depressed over this for weeks. She would play many avenues to convince my partner not to go and threaten that if he did, she would have to take a step back from their relationship.

In late 2019 my partner got a new job in the North Bay, I was so excited to be moving away from her town. This would have put approximately 128 miles and two or more hours of driving between us. Shortly after he confirmed with her he got the job, she bought a house nearby. She lives close enough again to call and request time just about every week. If he or we don’t come she asks for a confirmation on when we or he can come over next. If he can’t give her a time, she threatens their relationship.

I once picked his mom up to take her to the store, stopped at the pharmacy on the way to pick up something for myself. She accidentally left her phone at home and asked to use mine to show me a YouTube clip. She asked that I leave my phone in the car with her so she could finish what it was she was watching, forgetting my phone case is my wallet, I ran back to the car quickly for my I.D. and discovered she was no longer on YouTube, she was scrolling through a text thread between my partner and I.

When my partner and I talked about adopting a dog, she was upset and did her best to express that we shouldn’t. For if we did, she feared she wouldn’t see us much because she has an allergy to dogs. The dog ended up becoming her best friend, she began demanding time with the dog, multiple times a week. She felt and treated this dog as if it was her dog. She would get upset if I told her I didn’t want to drop the dog off with her, or wanted to take him on a hike. She would try every avenue she could to get the dog over at least twice a week. She would never pick the dog up or drop him off herself, Koby and I had to be the ones to do this. She particularly wanted her son to pick up and drop off, if he didn’t and I said I would, she would get upset.

Months into his mom having what felt like visitation rights with our dog, I told my partner I wanted to set boundaries. The first boundary was kindly asked and ended in rage. It was like watching a toddler throw a tantrum. All we did was ask if she could walk our dog on a shorter non retractable leash. She threatened the relationship she has with her son many times in this long cried out conversation, that she would not abide by our request and if this is something we were firm on, then she would no longer be seeing our dog either. I was honestly glad, but that didn’t last, she wanted the dog back within a few days and continued to argue our request and demand more.

She asked for therapy together, the three of us, to resolve problems she had with us around me putting my foot down and pulling visits with the dog. Her goal in therapy was to have the dog be back in her life as he was, our goals were to set boundaries. She came to therapy asking that we come to an agreement on designated weekly visiting days for her and our dog and weekly visiting days for her and her son. We only went to two sessions, my partner and I thought we were getting somewhere, she did not and she said she would no longer continue. She felt that the therapist wasn’t a good therapist and threatened her and sons close relationship. The therapist was more so siding with my partner and I, expressing that our boundaries were healthy and that his mom needed to let us have more space. She would raise her voice at the therapist, not listen to what we had to say, our feelings did not matter (it was clear she was the only one that mattered and her feelings were the only ones hurting). The therapist rolled her eyes up so big in what seemed to be a sigh of overwhelm towards the ends of our last session. His mom stormed out of the first session in rage and tears. She told Koby weeks later that she did not like that the therapist couldn’t see that I took her son away and am driving a wedge between the two of them.

On our first road trip together, my partners mom called (knowing we were on a road trip), he was driving and had her on speaker phone. She expressed bluntly that I would never be involved in their phone conversations, phone calls were for the two of them only. She requested he pull over and get out of the car or vise versa when she calls. This is an ongoing issue and if she calls while we are together, she gets upset if he can’t walk away (like in the car) and threatens him verbally in an array of ways.

After a couple months of dating, while working on a mosaic together (I was invited over while my partner was at work), I told her I was glad that we shared similar interests and was really enjoying getting to know her. I was told that “I was clingy and it made her feel the need to take a huge step back from me”. She at the same time expressed that she was still too sad over the loss of her sons ex to make room for me and felt fear of her son being with someone uneducated, unlike his ex who is working towards a PhD.

She checked in with us about 4 months into our relationship, asking how things were going. When we expressed the desire and admiration we had for one another, the idea of marriage and kids in the future, she laughed and said good luck. Tried to convince us otherwise.

I brought her a thoughtfully written card on our first Mother’s Day together. She said thanks in a not so thankful tone and set it down, opened my partners and showed so much gratitude. My card was shoved away, his was displayed for a few weeks in the living room. She told me that she was upset I was there on Mother’s Day, that this was a day for her and her son only. The following mothers day I suggested to my partner we surprise her with a picnic in the park and take her to the city, her reply was “ooooh ok”. She made it clear she was unhappy we wanted to do something for her together. A few days later she called to request I not be there. She knows I don’t have a mother to spend this holiday with and how important it is to her son I be included and not left out.

Whenever my partner and I Express our desires to travel somewhere together, she cuts in and says “you can’t go there with Nik, that is a place I’ve been wanting to go with you”. My partner really wants to take me to New York, his mom knows this and always hangs trips over his head around going. Says things like "I’ll pay your ticket if it’s just you and me", or, "I have a place offered to me in New York, but only two of us could stay". This happens with many other trips we have mentioned in front of his mother. There is upset when we mention our trips or weekend plans to her, hurtful words are said and it feels she tries to guilt trip us for wanting to spend more time off together than with her.

When we told his mom we got engaged she replied with a long drawn out “oooooooh” as she expressed nothing but shock and what seemed to be fear on her face.

My partners mom told her son not to tell me she made plans to meet with his ex who was flying in from overseas (the funny thing, the ex she is hung up on didn't want to continue the relationship with his mom after my partner and her split...). Two weeks later she comes to me telling me she can’t hide it from me any longer, that she met with his ex and it made her realize more than ever the tremendous missing feeling she's had since she left. I was told in tears, “I know you love my son, but I wish him and his ex would get back together”. I feel this was plotted to try and get me to react to my partner, that he would keep this from me. Instances like this happen too much, I feel that she tries to manipulate my mind far too often with scenarios.

I’ve been told things like, I don’t like your face structure or complexion or I have concerns of you being with my son because you are not educated enough. The list goes on....

Every holiday is spent with his mom and something extremely cruel is always said or acted towards me, holidays have always ended in tears and a ton of pain. One time I walked out of a restaurant on Christmas Day after politely letting her know that I was uncomfortable over her showing pictures of and going on and on about a woman my partner used to be friends with, a friend she was sad her son never let in his life as a significant other. She said things like “she was perfect for you and I am sad you didn’t see that”. I uncomfortably listened and viewed photos of this woman and her son for about 10 minutes, hoping my partner would say something, before having to speak up myself. She did not like that I said something along the lines of "I'm starting to feel uncomfrtable, can we start a new conversation". I can't remeber her reply, but I do remeber her raising her voice and speaking very defensive. She’s asked about her sons sexual partners in in front of me during holiday gatherings. Things like "did you and so and so ever have sex?, I really liked her" We had another incident on Thanksgiving ending in me leaving the restaurant in tears after what seemed like her deliberately making it known that she only wanted her son, not her son and I, at one of her recent graduations. Some very jabbing things were said. I was outside around the corner for about 15 minutes balling my eyes out before her Ex girlfriend who had joined us came out to me. She gave me the longest squeezing hug saying “I get it, I get it, I know I know” over and over. When she stepped back I saw she had a few tears rolling down her face. She said she could see that my partners mom is challenging and disrespecting me. She said this is why their relationship never worked out intimately. If things don’t go her way on the holiday it would be known and she will be full of herself. There are unfortunately more holiday incidents...

His mom has had 4 elbow surgery’s, my partner has been to every one. From the time she goes in until hours after coming out, he is there because she says she needs his support. She was upset that I showed up to visit her with my partner after her first surgery, she felt it was unfair that she had to go through such a tragic thing and not be respected by just having it be her son there for her when she was out. The flowers I brought weren’t the right color either, she didn’t like them. She goes in for surgery again soon. My parnter and I agreed that he, nor he or I, would visit her at the hospital due to Covid. She said very threatening things when he told her, the most hurtful to him being, “if you don’t come I guess you are just furthering the divide in our relationship” and “my best friend (her ex) wouldn’t even leave me at the hospital alone” and “if you don’t come I am taking a step back from our relationship”. Two of those sayings are actually said often if he doesn’t please her or give her what she wants.

HIS MOM REQUESTS:

Alone time. She is often asking her son“I want alone time with you” “I need alone time with you”. You never give me the time you used to since being with Nik. The funny thing is, around the first three or so months of us dating, he would dedicate at least one day a month to his mom. A full day away from town, it was like a date. His mom didn’t just want brunch or dinner, it had to be a sun up to sundown day full of exciting plans. I never batted an eye, it didn’t bother me that he gave his mom quality time. But this wasn’t enough. He would come back from their trips telling me that his mom feels she doesn’t get enough alone time with him anymore. He would tell me that she would talk about his ex and her fears of his relationship with me just about every time they are alone together. That she doesn’t want it to be him and I coming over every weekend to see her, just him more often would be better than the two of us. We would go over every weekend for about 2 years when we used to live closer, this is because she always needed help, or wanted to talk about her issues around us, or begged that we stop in before heading out of town.

She requests that we or he always come to her at her convenience. If we invite her somewhere we are going she asks that we change plans and come to her house. When we say no she gets extremely upset and feels that we never want to see her or do things to help her. This sometimes ends in threats of our or his and his moms relationship.

She requests that we come in her house without masks on during this pandemic. When we say no she throws a fit and tries to educate us on the risk factor, she doesn’t think there is much risk in visiting. She does not respect our outlook and gets upset when we don’t want to do visits the way she does. This, as it seems always, turns into threats of her and her sons relationship.

My partners mom has been pushing for her and her son to go therapy, but this time without me there. She feels by me going as we tried before that we are focusing too much on boundaries and the therapist can’t address to her son the importance of having more time with her. Koby wants to give her therapy sessions alone, eventually, but first him and I want to go at it together because he knows he hasn't been strong in speaking up for himself or him and I. We want to continue the therapy we started together that she stopped a long time back. She is upset and refuses to try working things out the three of us.

We don’t see her every weekend since moving to our new place, that boundary has been set and she is acting out in even more terrible ways and pushing threats towards us or her son since. I notice even though my partner has began setting boundaries, it isn’t done with ease. It seems he does it out of pressure and holds an extreme amount of guilt.

I FEEL SAD THAT MY PARTNERS MOM:

Doesn’t respect me or our relationship.
Makes it clear to me that she doesn’t want us together.
Uses me as an emotional dumpster (crying to me or telling me things she shouldn’t about her feelings around her son and I).
Tells me, her son and her friends/family that I took her son away from her.
Blames me for her hurt.
Doesn’t have any empathy at times I’ve opened up to her about how I feel.
That I don’t have a close relationship or welcoming from his mom. I lost my mom at the age of 20 (9 years ago) and want nothing more than to have a bond with soon to be my mother in law.
Just about everything my partner and I do together or aspire to do is put down by his mom, she is hardly ever happy for us.

THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS:

The beginning of our relationship started with me noticing things seeming a bit too needy as well as feeling disrespected. I started voicing my opinion around 3 months in and was always told “that’s just how my mom is”. When I asked that we set boundaries my partner would say no and defend that his mom isn’t doing anything out of line. I was asked by my partner to please just let things go in one ear and out the other, to just be passive and accept her as she is. I was silent and did as he asked for about a year, I was submissive to everything. I was told this was the only way to have a relationship with him and with her. When I found the courage to stand up for myself my partner couldn’t see why I needed too. It seemed his mom was perfect in his eyes, or at least this is what he portrayed her to be. My new found strength in requests for boundaries seemed to come off in a negative way toward my partner. His claws always came out when I told him I was hurting or when I’d cry over his mom disrespecting me, he would defend her and not validate my feelings in any way. I began having bouts of disregulation. I would throw things at the ground or scream, this happened maybe a handful of times in that first year. I was so frustrated over feeling bullied and disrespected by his mom and having a partner that didn’t see it. I didn’t mean to lose it, I just did. Here we are today and the dysregulation that only came out every once in a while is becoming a pattern. Since the beginning of 2020 I would throw something at the ground about once a month out of rage or all the built up hurt. In these last few months it has turned into what I call “freaking out” as much as three times a month. I feel am becoming a huge threat to my partner by not being able to regulate my anger. I say things I would never say when I’ve gone mad. Things like “why don’t you just marry your mother” or “I’m just going to leave”. I also say things like “I hate myself”, feeling as if I am the one that caused this hurt even though I believe that isn’t the reality. I am so aware of how unhealthy this is. I am a hurt person.

Ultimately I have empathy for his mom, it saddens me that she has so much pain around loss, she was an adoptee and has told me how much she suffers around that. She cried to me one night “I feel like I’ve lost my son to you” “I guess I have to learn to accept this as it is and mourn the loss of my son” “I had a child because I knew by having a child I would never be alone”. This is really sad. She’s even said to me “I challenge you because I fear you and my son being together, him having a separate life from me”. I don’t want to separate them. If it weren’t for the feeling of disrespect and being bullied, she would have gained a pretty awesome daughter in law! I also have empathy for my partner, he loves his mom and prior to me coming into his life he said he and his mom had a very loving and extremely physically and emotionally close relationship. I feel this is because he was single for many years and his last partner was gone a lot more than I am, giving him a lot more time alone with his mom. His last partner likely didn’t so strongly bring out the side of his mom that I do. I think I threaten her as I am by being so close and sharing a lot with her son. Starting near the beginning of 2020, my partner is starting to see that his mom isn’t treating him or I well, he is finally setting boundaries. I am finally heard more and feel more empathy from him. I think he is setting these boundaries willingly even though I see much hurt and hesitation. These boundaries have created him so much pain and hurt and I feel this is because his mom only threatens their relationship more. Even though he sees he should continue setting boundaries, he reacts when I talk to him about them or my feelings around his moms requests or hurtful words. I feel the defense he has toward his mom is the same if not more than he defends himself or our relationship, even if it results in extreme pain on our end. I want to raise a child with my partner in the near future, but want to be sure boundaries can continue to be set so we don’t bring a child into an unhealthy environment. I want to see them set with ease on his end, not guilt and sadness as if he’s hurting his mom. I don’t want to feel blamed or like I’m trying to separate them for requesting boundaries. I want to find peace with my partner and hope to come to a place where his mother isn’t put before him and I. I want to stop throwing my water bottle or phone at the ground, or saying hurtful things I don’t mean when I get upset over a difficult phone call or email his mother sent his or my way. This is all so hard. I see the unhealthy relationship the three of us are in and want to help him bring it to health, but I don’t want to control my partner with the continued request of boundaries and asking we have more space... I want him to ultimately be the one to make decisions on his own terms. This is just so extremely hard to do because I haven’t seen my partner make a boundary without my suggestion, nor have I seen him stand up for himself or us without my encouragement first. I always feel the need and want to step in, to help guide him, but I fear I’ve tried to play the role of a therapist too much. I’ve likely overstepped boundaries, it’s all out of care. I hate seeing my partner being what I feel is abused. It hurts that he doesn’t truly see it for what it is, like blinders are on. I have hope my partner wouldn’t let his mom continue coming between the two of us. I have hope we can find some peace. My partner has a lot of hope that his mom will change if we give her the chance, and gosh I sure hope so. It would be nice to have a close, loving and warm mother in law. I also recognize that reality that my partners mom may never change, this terrifies me for many reasons.....

Aside from his mom we both genuinely feel we have an extremely loving and compatible relationship. We hardly argue over anything outside of this dynamic. We share very similar morals and values. Our interests are more shared than not.

He is my partner and his mother and I are his, that is just how it feels.

Hey @Nkst

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nkst My fiancé and I have been struggling tremendously. We’ve shed far too many tears over the past 4 years together. I’m currently laying in bed, depressed and out of it, haven’t eaten much in days. I feel like my soon to be mother in law will never stop trying to come between us. I wrote down a bunch of thoughts and feelings last week, decided to share them on here. This is a long read! Sorry if anything is a bit confusing, as I wrote things down I didn’t write in order from the start of our relationship to now, I just wrote as things came to me. I am desperate for advice. If I am out of line or you feel I could do something differently, please tell me. I’m open to all the suggestions I can get. I FEEL THAT MY PARTNERS MOM IS: Always right. One to overstep boundaries. Displaying excessive neediness. Lacking empathy towards her son and I. Always seeking attention and admiration. Often in relationships that suffer, both intimate and with family and friends. Showing that she feels threatened or jealous of me. Dependent on her son for support. Often threatening the relationship with her son if he doesn’t abide by her requests or support her needs. Not supportive of and deliberately disrespecting our relationship. Making it clear to me that I will never be good enough. Manipulating her son into believing that my partner and I, or I myself, are the cause of the issues we have in our triangle. SCENARIOS WITH MY (soon to be) MOTHER IN LAW: When my partner first introduced his mother and I, I reached to give her a hug, she turned her nose up and backed away. She was very cold and didn’t look at me kindly. I remember immediately recognizing that she criticized most of what her son said during our visit and didn’t show any interest in anything I had to say. The first time the three of us went out for food she mentioned his ex over a handful of times in very complimentary ways. When my partner addressed that it was uncomfortable for me, she laughed and made it very clear I had intense jealousy issues to work through. She told her son that something was psychologically off and feared him being with someone like myself. My partner looks up to his mom and highly values her opinions, she’s a therapist. My “jealously” (more so feelings of disrespect) around her deep connection to his ex gave her what I feel a reason to drill into her sons brain that I had problems, that he should reconsider. This idea had been implanted in my partners brain many times.... When my parnter and I went to his mom to express his excitement for an interview with his dream company (few years back), his mom replied with “this is the worst timing, why did you have to bring this up to me”. I couldn’t never move to or want to visit Fresno (only 2 hours away), I don’t want you to move to Fresno because I could never see myself living there”. She cried in that moment and felt depressed over this for weeks. She would play many avenues to convince my partner not to go and threaten that if he did, she would have to take a step back from their relationship. In late 2019 my partner got a new job in the North Bay, I was so excited to be moving away from her town. This would have put approximately 128 miles and two or more hours of driving between us. Shortly after he confirmed with her he got the job, she bought a house nearby. She lives close enough again to call and request time just about every week. If he or we don’t come she asks for a confirmation on when we or he can come over next. If he can’t give her a time, she threatens their relationship. I once picked his mom up to take her to the store, stopped at the pharmacy on the way to pick up something for myself. She accidentally left her phone at home and asked to use mine to show me a YouTube clip. She asked that I leave my phone in the car with her so she could finish what it was she was watching, forgetting my phone case is my wallet, I ran back to the car quickly for my I.D. and discovered she was no longer on YouTube, she was scrolling through a text thread between my partner and I. When my partner and I talked about adopting a dog, she was upset and did her best to express that we shouldn’t. For if we did, she feared she wouldn’t see us much because she has an allergy to dogs. The dog ended up becoming her best friend, she began demanding time with the dog, multiple times a week. She felt and treated this dog as if it was her dog. She would get upset if I told her I didn’t want to drop the dog off with her, or wanted to take him on a hike. She would try every avenue she could to get the dog over at least twice a week. She would never pick the dog up or drop him off herself, Koby and I had to be the ones to do this. She particularly wanted her son to pick up and drop off, if he didn’t and I said I would, she would get upset. Months into his mom having what felt like visitation rights with our dog, I told my partner I wanted to set boundaries. The first boundary was kindly asked and ended in rage. It was like watching a toddler throw a tantrum. All we did was ask if she could walk our dog on a shorter non retractable leash. She threatened the relationship she has with her son many times in this long cried out conversation, that she would not abide by our request and if this is something we were firm on, then she would no longer be seeing our dog either. I was honestly glad, but that didn’t last, she wanted the dog back within a few days and continued to argue our request and demand more. She asked for therapy together, the three of us, to resolve problems she had with us around me putting my foot down and pulling visits with the dog. Her goal in therapy was to have the dog be back in her life as he was, our goals were to set boundaries. She came to therapy asking that we come to an agreement on designated weekly visiting days for her and our dog and weekly visiting days for her and her son. We only went to two sessions, my partner and I thought we were getting somewhere, she did not and she said she would no longer continue. She felt that the therapist wasn’t a good therapist and threatened her and sons close relationship. The therapist was more so siding with my partner and I, expressing that our boundaries were healthy and that his mom needed to let us have more space. She would raise her voice at the therapist, not listen to what we had to say, our feelings did not matter (it was clear she was the only one that mattered and her feelings were the only ones hurting). The therapist rolled her eyes up so big in what seemed to be a sigh of overwhelm towards the ends of our last session. His mom stormed out of the first session in rage and tears. She told Koby weeks later that she did not like that the therapist couldn’t see that I took her son away and am driving a wedge between the two of them. On our first road trip together, my partners mom called (knowing we were on a road trip), he was driving and had her on speaker phone. She expressed bluntly that I would never be involved in their phone conversations, phone calls were for the two of them only. She requested he pull over and get out of the car or vise versa when she calls. This is an ongoing issue and if she calls while we are together, she gets upset if he can’t walk away (like in the car) and threatens him verbally in an array of ways. After a couple months of dating, while working on a mosaic together (I was invited over while my partner was at work), I told her I was glad that we shared similar interests and was really enjoying getting to know her. I was told that “I was clingy and it made her feel the need to take a huge step back from me”. She at the same time expressed that she was still too sad over the loss of her sons ex to make room for me and felt fear of her son being with someone uneducated, unlike his ex who is working towards a PhD. She checked in with us about 4 months into our relationship, asking how things were going. When we expressed the desire and admiration we had for one another, the idea of marriage and kids in the future, she laughed and said good luck. Tried to convince us otherwise. I brought her a thoughtfully written card on our first Mother’s Day together. She said thanks in a not so thankful tone and set it down, opened my partners and showed so much gratitude. My card was shoved away, his was displayed for a few weeks in the living room. She told me that she was upset I was there on Mother’s Day, that this was a day for her and her son only. The following mothers day I suggested to my partner we surprise her with a picnic in the park and take her to the city, her reply was “ooooh ok”. She made it clear she was unhappy we wanted to do something for her together. A few days later she called to request I not be there. She knows I don’t have a mother to spend this holiday with and how important it is to her son I be included and not left out. Whenever my partner and I Express our desires to travel somewhere together, she cuts in and says “you can’t go there with Nik, that is a place I’ve been wanting to go with you”. My partner really wants to take me to New York, his mom knows this and always hangs trips over his head around going. Says things like "I’ll pay your ticket if it’s just you and me", or, "I have a place offered to me in New York, but only two of us could stay". This happens with many other trips we have mentioned in front of his mother. There is upset when we mention our trips or weekend plans to her, hurtful words are said and it feels she tries to guilt trip us for wanting to spend more time off together than with her. When we told his mom we got engaged she replied with a long drawn out “oooooooh” as she expressed nothing but shock and what seemed to be fear on her face. My partners mom told her son not to tell me she made plans to meet with his ex who was flying in from overseas (the funny thing, the ex she is hung up on didn't want to continue the relationship with his mom after my partner and her split...). Two weeks later she comes to me telling me she can’t hide it from me any longer, that she met with his ex and it made her realize more than ever the tremendous missing feeling she's had since she left. I was told in tears, “I know you love my son, but I wish him and his ex would get back together”. I feel this was plotted to try and get me to react to my partner, that he would keep this from me. Instances like this happen too much, I feel that she tries to manipulate my mind far too often with scenarios. I’ve been told things like, I don’t like your face structure or complexion or I have concerns of you being with my son because you are not educated enough. The list goes on.... Every holiday is spent with his mom and something extremely cruel is always said or acted towards me, holidays have always ended in tears and a ton of pain. One time I walked out of a restaurant on Christmas Day after politely letting her know that I was uncomfortable over her showing pictures of and going on and on about a woman my partner used to be friends with, a friend she was sad her son never let in his life as a significant other. She said things like “she was perfect for you and I am sad you didn’t see that”. I uncomfortably listened and viewed photos of this woman and her son for about 10 minutes, hoping my partner would say something, before having to speak up myself. She did not like that I said something along the lines of "I'm starting to feel uncomfrtable, can we start a new conversation". I can't remeber her reply, but I do remeber her raising her voice and speaking very defensive. She’s asked about her sons sexual partners in in front of me during holiday gatherings. Things like "did you and so and so ever have sex?, I really liked her" We had another incident on Thanksgiving ending in me leaving the restaurant in tears after what seemed like her deliberately making it known that she only wanted her son, not her son and I, at one of her recent graduations. Some very jabbing things were said. I was outside around the corner for about 15 minutes balling my eyes out before her Ex girlfriend who had joined us came out to me. She gave me the longest squeezing hug saying “I get it, I get it, I know I know” over and over. When she stepped back I saw she had a few tears rolling down her face. She said she could see that my partners mom is challenging and disrespecting me. She said this is why their relationship never worked out intimately. If things don’t go her way on the holiday it would be known and she will be full of herself. There are unfortunately more holiday incidents... His mom has had 4 elbow surgery’s, my partner has been to every one. From the time she goes in until hours after coming out, he is there because she says she needs his support. She was upset that I showed up to visit her with my partner after her first surgery, she felt it was unfair that she had to go through such a tragic thing and not be respected by just having it be her son there for her when she was out. The flowers I brought weren’t the right color either, she didn’t like them. She goes in for surgery again soon. My parnter and I agreed that he, nor he or I, would visit her at the hospital due to Covid. She said very threatening things when he told her, the most hurtful to him being, “if you don’t come I guess you are just furthering the divide in our relationship” and “my best friend (her ex) wouldn’t even leave me at the hospital alone” and “if you don’t come I am taking a step back from our relationship”. Two of those sayings are actually said often if he doesn’t please her or give her what she wants. HIS MOM REQUESTS: Alone time. She is often asking her son“I want alone time with you” “I need alone time with you”. You never give me the time you used to since being with Nik. The funny thing is, around the first three or so months of us dating, he would dedicate at least one day a month to his mom. A full day away from town, it was like a date. His mom didn’t just want brunch or dinner, it had to be a sun up to sundown day full of exciting plans. I never batted an eye, it didn’t bother me that he gave his mom quality time. But this wasn’t enough. He would come back from their trips telling me that his mom feels she doesn’t get enough alone time with him anymore. He would tell me that she would talk about his ex and her fears of his relationship with me just about every time they are alone together. That she doesn’t want it to be him and I coming over every weekend to see her, just him more often would be better than the two of us. We would go over every weekend for about 2 years when we used to live closer, this is because she always needed help, or wanted to talk about her issues around us, or begged that we stop in before heading out of town. She requests that we or he always come to her at her convenience. If we invite her somewhere we are going she asks that we change plans and come to her house. When we say no she gets extremely upset and feels that we never want to see her or do things to help her. This sometimes ends in threats of our or his and his moms relationship. She requests that we come in her house without masks on during this pandemic. When we say no she throws a fit and tries to educate us on the risk factor, she doesn’t think there is much risk in visiting. She does not respect our outlook and gets upset when we don’t want to do visits the way she does. This, as it seems always, turns into threats of her and her sons relationship. My partners mom has been pushing for her and her son to go therapy, but this time without me there. She feels by me going as we tried before that we are focusing too much on boundaries and the therapist can’t address to her son the importance of having more time with her. Koby wants to give her therapy sessions alone, eventually, but first him and I want to go at it together because he knows he hasn't been strong in speaking up for himself or him and I. We want to continue the therapy we started together that she stopped a long time back. She is upset and refuses to try working things out the three of us. We don’t see her every weekend since moving to our new place, that boundary has been set and she is acting out in even more terrible ways and pushing threats towards us or her son since. I notice even though my partner has began setting boundaries, it isn’t done with ease. It seems he does it out of pressure and holds an extreme amount of guilt. I FEEL SAD THAT MY PARTNERS MOM: Doesn’t respect me or our relationship. Makes it clear to me that she doesn’t want us together. Uses me as an emotional dumpster (crying to me or telling me things she shouldn’t about her feelings around her son and I). Tells me, her son and her friends/family that I took her son away from her. Blames me for her hurt. Doesn’t have any empathy at times I’ve opened up to her about how I feel. That I don’t have a close relationship or welcoming from his mom. I lost my mom at the age of 20 (9 years ago) and want nothing more than to have a bond with soon to be my mother in law. Just about everything my partner and I do together or aspire to do is put down by his mom, she is hardly ever happy for us. THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS: The beginning of our relationship started with me noticing things seeming a bit too needy as well as feeling disrespected. I started voicing my opinion around 3 months in and was always told “that’s just how my mom is”. When I asked that we set boundaries my partner would say no and defend that his mom isn’t doing anything out of line. I was asked by my partner to please just let things go in one ear and out the other, to just be passive and accept her as she is. I was silent and did as he asked for about a year, I was submissive to everything. I was told this was the only way to have a relationship with him and with her. When I found the courage to stand up for myself my partner couldn’t see why I needed too. It seemed his mom was perfect in his eyes, or at least this is what he portrayed her to be. My new found strength in requests for boundaries seemed to come off in a negative way toward my partner. His claws always came out when I told him I was hurting or when I’d cry over his mom disrespecting me, he would defend her and not validate my feelings in any way. I began having bouts of disregulation. I would throw things at the ground or scream, this happened maybe a handful of times in that first year. I was so frustrated over feeling bullied and disrespected by his mom and having a partner that didn’t see it. I didn’t mean to lose it, I just did. Here we are today and the dysregulation that only came out every once in a while is becoming a pattern. Since the beginning of 2020 I would throw something at the ground about once a month out of rage or all the built up hurt. In these last few months it has turned into what I call “freaking out” as much as three times a month. I feel am becoming a huge threat to my partner by not being able to regulate my anger. I say things I would never say when I’ve gone mad. Things like “why don’t you just marry your mother” or “I’m just going to leave”. I also say things like “I hate myself”, feeling as if I am the one that caused this hurt even though I believe that isn’t the reality. I am so aware of how unhealthy this is. I am a hurt person. Ultimately I have empathy for his mom, it saddens me that she has so much pain around loss, she was an adoptee and has told me how much she suffers around that. She cried to me one night “I feel like I’ve lost my son to you” “I guess I have to learn to accept this as it is and mourn the loss of my son” “I had a child because I knew by having a child I would never be alone”. This is really sad. She’s even said to me “I challenge you because I fear you and my son being together, him having a separate life from me”. I don’t want to separate them. If it weren’t for the feeling of disrespect and being bullied, she would have gained a pretty awesome daughter in law! I also have empathy for my partner, he loves his mom and prior to me coming into his life he said he and his mom had a very loving and extremely physically and emotionally close relationship. I feel this is because he was single for many years and his last partner was gone a lot more than I am, giving him a lot more time alone with his mom. His last partner likely didn’t so strongly bring out the side of his mom that I do. I think I threaten her as I am by being so close and sharing a lot with her son. Starting near the beginning of 2020, my partner is starting to see that his mom isn’t treating him or I well, he is finally setting boundaries. I am finally heard more and feel more empathy from him. I think he is setting these boundaries willingly even though I see much hurt and hesitation. These boundaries have created him so much pain and hurt and I feel this is because his mom only threatens their relationship more. Even though he sees he should continue setting boundaries, he reacts when I talk to him about them or my feelings around his moms requests or hurtful words. I feel the defense he has toward his mom is the same if not more than he defends himself or our relationship, even if it results in extreme pain on our end. I want to raise a child with my partner in the near future, but want to be sure boundaries can continue to be set so we don’t bring a child into an unhealthy environment. I want to see them set with ease on his end, not guilt and sadness as if he’s hurting his mom. I don’t want to feel blamed or like I’m trying to separate them for requesting boundaries. I want to find peace with my partner and hope to come to a place where his mother isn’t put before him and I. I want to stop throwing my water bottle or phone at the ground, or saying hurtful things I don’t mean when I get upset over a difficult phone call or email his mother sent his or my way. This is all so hard. I see the unhealthy relationship the three of us are in and want to help him bring it to health, but I don’t want to control my partner with the continued request of boundaries and asking we have more space... I want him to ultimately be the one to make decisions on his own terms. This is just so extremely hard to do because I haven’t seen my partner make a boundary without my suggestion, nor have I seen him stand up for himself or us without my encouragement first. I always feel the need and want to step in, to help guide him, but I fear I’ve tried to play the role of a therapist too much. I’ve likely overstepped boundaries, it’s all out of care. I hate seeing my partner being what I feel is abused. It hurts that he doesn’t truly see it for what it is, like blinders are on. I have hope my partner wouldn’t let his mom continue coming between the two of us. I have hope we can find some peace. My partner has a lot of hope that his mom will change if we give her the chance, and gosh I sure hope so. It would be nice to have a close, loving and warm mother in law. I also recognize that reality that my partners mom may never change, this terrifies me for many reasons..... Aside from his mom we both genuinely feel we have an extremely loving and compatible relationship. We hardly argue over anything outside of this dynamic. We share very similar morals and values. Our interests are more shared than not. He is my partner and his mother and I are his, that is just how it feels.

I dont know how to say this without being blunt but I think he has to put a stop to this right away or do not get married. You personally can set all the boundaries you want but he is ultimately the one who should work very hard at enforcing them. In fact, I think he should defend you more. If the situation doesnt get resolved before you get married its a recipe for disaster(IMO)

i COMPLETELY agree with @sarahsweets! It does seem like his mother doesn't respect you. Definitely sounds like personal issues. I am Sorry for her, of course, but she does need to work on them by herself and it is not fair that she'd bring down your relationship because of this. Definitely make your voice heard. If he can't realize what is happening, then i am not sure if this relationship is a good IDEA! SEnding many safe, warm hugs to BOTH You, @Nkst, Your Family, Your FriEnds, Your BoyFriEnd and ALL of Your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

I read through most of your post about your boyfriend's mother and all I can say is OMG this woman is a total nightmare and control freak. She is also demanding her son be her codependant and make sure she comes first no matter what. If you ever got married this woman would be a MIL nightmare. No wonder her husband left her. Not only does she not respect you but she doesn't respect her own son either.



This therapist has many youtube talks you can listen to about narcissists.

If they are unhappy they tend to blame everyone else for it. They need to create drama and they need the world to revolve around them.

You are a threat to this MIL's need to have her son be her adoring audience and flying monkey. She has taught him to be her codependant. She knows how to push his buttons and she doesn't like you because you don't let her push your buttons and have showed you have boundaries.

Hi Sarah,

Thank you for taking the time to read this and reply. I really appreciate it! I’ve been told what you just said many times, by friends, family members and therapists. It seems it’s pretty clear I am holding on to something I shouldn’t be. We just started couples counseling a few weeks ago and my fiancé is extremely hesitant to set boundaries when the therapist suggests. I’ve got myself in a mess.

Thank you! I appreciate your kind words and encouragement to make a healthy move. I am so hopeful that my fiancé can start setting boundaries without my push. This dynamic has been extremely difficult and frustrating. I’m hanging on to hope, but I’m not sure I can do this for much longer. My poor fiancé, he feels so stuck in the middle. This is all he knows of his mom and he doesn’t want to see her in a negative light, so of course he defends her.

I agree! I feel so lost. Here I am, completely smitten over my fiancé. I’ve been in co dependent relationships in my past and for once I am actually in love with someone, truly. My fiancé is perfect for me... without his mom in the mix. It’s complicated and so hard to detach to someone I actually want to be with. I’m hanging onto hope that our recent visits to couples counseling will help guide him in the right direction. Not only do him and I deserve health, but he does too. His mother is terrible towards him and he continues to cater too or wanting to cater to her needs. It’s really sad.

I am sorry and she probably has him brainwashed too where he genuinely has a problem setting any boundaries with her.

Maybe have him sit and watch these videos. He may not know what a narcissist is and it looks like his mother normalized her toxic behaviors with him.