I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

For the first time ever, this week during his "love bombing" stage, my husband tells me he loves the color of my hair. Now this has been a point of contention for over a year - my hair color. You may/may not recall that he had told me at one point that he prefers women with DARK hair and DARK eyes. My eyes are dark, but my hair is light brown at best and is far from "dark" in my opinion. I used to be blonde and then it changed to dirty blonde/light brown. Well, I have felt insecure about my looks ever since he made that comment (a lot less so now, but still... ).

So now he is totally buttering me up by saying he loves my hair color. Geez. It's so transparent what he's trying to do right now.

Of all things he was supposed to improving in as a human being and a husband that’s the one he chooses to improve upon: complimenting hair color more. So superficial and surface level. He thinks all it takes for a woman to fall head over heels for a man. Compliment about color that could change any time. You’ll be grey one day. Or dye it red. Or shave it off. He’ll still be no use

I am sure he thinks you’ll never divorce him because you can be kept in line with basic compliments, cuddling and occasional flowers. He doesn’t Think too high of women

Aw, it's so creepy! Sorry to say that, but it just reminds me...I remember realising all these contradictions and just realising there was no truth, just game...urghhh. At least you can feel reassured that the criticism is just game, and doesn't reflect on you AT ALL! I hate veiled criticism like that. Then if you react to it, you're "overreacting", I bet. Creep

@guy1111, sorry... I am very much on edge, and I read your post as being critical.

I know you mean to be supportive, and you have been all along.

To be clear, I am definitely getting my own lawyer and I will be the one filing for divorce, not him. I will not work through his lawyer, and I will not allow my husband to bully me into working with his lawyer.

And that's what my husband tried to do when I mentioned divorce a week ago. He called HIS lawyer immediately, then he tried bully me into creating this so-called list for his lawyer. I wasn't having any of that, and told him so... I told him, I am NOT using YOUR lawyer - I am getting my own.

I just want to be clear. And you need to know that my husband IS a mean bully. He is very controlling and loves to dictate and take control of everything. It's very hard for me to deal with when he gets that way. He was insistent that I create that list immediately and the very next day. F that. I wasn't going to let him bully me into doing something I did not feel was in my best interests. I knew in that moment that I need my own lawyer, and that in no way. was I even prepared to actually start the process of divorce.

He lied. No lawyer would tell him to make any lists when no one even filed for divorce. And he knows people can’t just drop spouses from their health plans especially if you don’t work. He does it purpose, to scare you

I know, right???? It's totally superficial. And odd because he's never complimented my hair color in all of this time. Why now? He's buttering me up.

He really doesn't get it at all. He is simply buying me things I want or like, he is buying me flowers, and he is being mr overly lovey dovey right now, but it's all sooo meaningless to me.

All that echoes in my head are the cruel words he has lashed out at me throughout our marriage, his abusive rages, the insults, his extreme defensiveness, and his controlling ways.

I am waiting for the veil to drop and for him to insult me again. I know it's coming. It's only a matter of time. He cannot keep this up for too long.

YEP. It's ALL game.

Luckily, I am becoming more and more emotionally closed off to him within myself. It's like I am just observing him now, without a ton of emotional investment.

I think so too. At the time that this happened last week, I asked him for his lawyer's name and number so that I could speak with him directly about this so-called "list" he requested. I didn't fully believe my husband was telling the truth. And yes, I think he wanted to scare me.

I also love how my husband interprets my actions as being "angry" when I'm not even angry. It's like he's trying to paint a very different picture of me than of what is actually happening... setting it up so that I am the angry one in the relationship, not him.

For example, yesterday I had been on my computer but we were both sitting in front of the TV and he was flipping through the TV channels. As usual, he stopped on some military show that he would enjoy, but knows that I don't enjoy. Yet, he started to watch it anyways. I looked up from my computer and simply commented on it. He snapped at me saying "why are you getting so angry?" in an emphatic and rather angry manner. I had to tell him, I am NOT angry. I am simply commenting that you're watching something that you know I wouldn't like, and we're both sitting here, so why not choose a show you know I would enjoy too?

This is often how our TV watching dynamic works. It's always about him and what he wants without any consideration for me, even if I am sitting there. He always responds with "well, you're on your computer!"

He just doesn't get it. There's no consideration.

OMG!!!!!!!!!

I just totally busted him.

I went into his iPhone watch text messages and found flirtatious texts between he and his female coworker Jamie. He texted her while WE were at CVS yesterday together, saying thinking of you.. then later on in the evening he told her good night, and she wrote "sweet dreams" and he wrote "probably will have u in mine".

I took a screenshot and sent it to him just now by text. And I wrote that I am divorcing him ASAP, that he is SO busted, to not even try and explain and that we are DONE.

Oh wow! That's a lot to take in. Are you OK!?
Just a thought...could you get the locks changed whilst he's out!?

Maybe not the best idea...but please take care!

NO. I am not Ok whatsoever. He just came home to talk to me and I went ballistic on him. This time, I was the one yelling and screaming at him.

I cannot change the locks. He is on the lease, so he has a right to be in this apartment, too. I cannot kick him out.

At least my mistrust of him was accurate. I was dead on right with my instincts that he could do something like this.

He is trying to claim it's not what I think - BS!!!!!!!! What am I, stupid?????? He's been lusting after her all this time. AND lied to me repeatedly all this time. Claiming he would NEVER do such a thing to me.

OMG your therapist was right. Save these texts. Make sure you have them saved. Might come handy

Thinking of you. Have you in my dreams. That’s cheating even if not physical although might be by now.

IT IS what you think. 100%

I am so sorry. Even in no fault divorce infidelity might play a role. In the lights of cheating and being abusive and you not working he might be made to pay for your lawyer. File ASAP

I can't understand your mind frame here, Have Hope.

- You're divorcing him.
- You want him gone ASAP.
- You know he's a scumbag.

Yet I can tell that you're upset about that text thing you've mentioned. It doesn't make any sense. WHO CARES? Come on, you're punching yourself for no reason here, it's time to stop.

I know it's not what you want, but considering what he's put you through, including physical abuse, you could probably keep him out and get him off the lease lawfully. It's just a thought.
Sorry for what you are going through