I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

Have Hope · Nov 23, 2020 at 11:11 AM

Thanks @divine1966. I have contacted one lawyer already to hopefully get on the phone today. She's dealt with abuse victims and is a female advocate. And it IS cheating. He denies this though.

@MisterPaul PLEASE. I am outraged and should be. I cannot even reply to your post. It's ridiculous.

Have Hope · Nov 23, 2020 at 11:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KBMK

I know it's not what you want, but considering what he's put you through, including physical abuse, you could probably keep him out and get him off the lease lawfully. It's just a thought.
Sorry for what you are going through

Thank you.

I may be able to -- I really hope I can speak with this lawyer today.

sarahsweets · Nov 23, 2020 at 11:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MisterPaul

I can't understand your mind frame here, Have Hope.

- You're divorcing him.
- You want him gone ASAP.
- You know he's a scumbag.

Yet I can tell that you're upset about that text thing you've mentioned. It doesn't make any sense. WHO CARES? Come on, you're punching yourself for no reason here, it's time to stop.

Just because someone wants a divorce doesn’t mean there are no feelings for a spouse. She can’t just turn off her feelings. I suspect that she may still have some kind of feelings for her husband which IMO makes this hurt even more. Who cares? SHE cares.

Have Hope · Nov 23, 2020 at 11:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Just because someone wants a divorce doesn’t mean there are no feelings for a spouse. She can’t just turn off her feelings. I suspect that she may still have some kind of feelings for her husband which IMO makes this hurt even more. Who cares? SHE cares.

Exactly. He's been my husband for nearly two years. It's also the principle of the matter. And I have every right to be outraged by his infidelity. He SWORE and PROMISED he would NEVER do anything of the kind.

divine1966 · Nov 23, 2020 at 11:21 AM

Mister Paul it’s still upsetting to find out such thing even if one plans on divorcing.

Nov 23, 2020 at 11:23 AM

I apologise, I was picturing myself in your shoes and, well... being a sociopath sometimes causes bad judgment. Sorry.

divine1966 · Nov 23, 2020 at 11:23 AM

Makes me also wonder that he got scared you might divorce him and he is now trying to hurry up and butter women up to see if he can move in with them and such. I wonder if this female is single.

Have Hope · Nov 23, 2020 at 11:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Makes me also wonder that he got scared you might divorce him and he is now trying to hurry up and butter women up to see if he can move in with them and such. I wonder if this female is single.

I think she's single with a child. Yes, he did get scared. He probably was trying to butter up the next person.

Have Hope · Nov 23, 2020 at 01:45 PM

I ALMOST just called her at work to tell her off.

Have Hope · Nov 23, 2020 at 02:13 PM

I tore up every single wedding picture and put it in pile in the kitchen for him to see. I removed him from my Facebook photos, set my status to single and changed my profile pic. I threw out our wedding albums and honeymoon memorabilia.

divine1966 · Nov 23, 2020 at 02:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I ALMOST just called her at work to tell her off.

He is the one married and contacting her with thinking of her or what not. Sure she shouldn’t partake but responsibilities lay with him. If not her he’d find someone else. You could contact his work place with evidence of inappropriate behavior but I’d not embarrass myself by contacting her. He is at fault not her.

Have Hope · Nov 23, 2020 at 02:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

He is the one married and contacting her with thinking of her or what not. Sure she shouldn’t partake but responsibilities lay with him. If not her he’d find someone else. You could contact his work place with evidence of inappropriate behavior but I’d not embarrass myself by contacting her. He is at fault not her.

Yeah, I hung up the phone before I did anything like confront her.

divine1966 · Nov 23, 2020 at 02:32 PM

I wonder if he told her he is in process of divorce

Have Hope · Nov 23, 2020 at 02:38 PM

He told her last week that he was, when I was about to divorce him then. She invited him over for Thanksgiving!

divine1966 · Nov 23, 2020 at 03:10 PM

Great. So she thinks he is pretty much available.

How did you find out she invited him to thanksgiving?

Have Hope · Nov 23, 2020 at 03:19 PM

He told me so. She invited him when she thought we were divorcing a week ago.

I did leave her an angry voicemail. I don't care. I am SO outraged... my anger is deep. All I feel right now is RAGE over the lies he has been telling me, all this time.

KBMK · Nov 23, 2020 at 03:24 PM

I don't want to cause any fear or upset, but he can probably sense that you are moving on, and will try and make this go smoothly for HIMSELF. You might think I'm projecting, but everything you say is very familiar to me. If I was you, I would be very careful to get out, or keep him out, before he decides you have become a problem (getting in the way of him bringing someone home).
I'm sorry this is very harsh, but please do not underestimate what your husband might do if he isn't getting his narcissistic need for ego stroking met.
You might think that telling him off is standing up for yourself, but just the fact that he has created an upset and you are showing interest is feeding his ego.

Have Hope · Nov 23, 2020 at 03:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KBMK

I don't want to cause any fear or upset, but he can probably sense that you are moving on, and will try and make this go smoothly for HIMSELF. You might think I'm projecting, but everything you say is very familiar to me. If I was you, I would be very careful to get out, or keep him out, before he decides you have become a problem (getting in the way of him bringing someone home).
I'm sorry this is very harsh, but please do not underestimate what your husband might do if he isn't getting his narcissistic need for ego stroking met.
You might think that telling him off is standing up for yourself, but just the fact that he has created an upset and you are showing interest is feeding his ego.

I don't even care right now if my upset and rage is feeding his meagre ego. I am letting him have it. He deserves my wrath. He deserves to be kicked and punched. I told him so this morning. But I wouldn't dare get physical with him. I am not a violent person.

I may have an apartment to move into on January 1 through a friend.

sarahsweets · Nov 23, 2020 at 03:40 PM

Hope- I can appreciate how enraged you feel now. And I know that the ex and him are responsible for their own actions. But I think you should avoid any further contact with the ex despite how satisfying it can be to let someone have it. I don’t want him to twist the whole thing around and imply that you are stalky or that you are paranoid or anything. I also don’t know what the ex is capable of and I wouldn’t want the two of them to conspire to paint you as unstable.

Have Hope · Nov 23, 2020 at 03:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Hope- I can appreciate how enraged you feel now. And I know that the ex and him are responsible for their own actions. But I think you should avoid any further contact with the ex despite how satisfying it can be to let someone have it. I don’t want him to twist the whole thing around and imply that you are stalky or that you are paranoid or anything. I also don’t know what the ex is capable of and I wouldn’t want the two of them to conspire to paint you as unstable.

Thanks for your concern.

I don't care. He deserves a severe lashing from me, and he's getting it.

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divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,386 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Nov 23, 2020 at 11:21 AM #485 Mister Paul it’s still upsetting to find out such thing even if one plans on divorcing.

Anonymous42048 Guest Posts: n/a	Nov 23, 2020 at 11:23 AM #486 I apologise, I was picturing myself in your shoes and, well... being a sociopath sometimes causes bad judgment. Sorry.

divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,386 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Nov 23, 2020 at 11:23 AM #487 Makes me also wonder that he got scared you might divorce him and he is now trying to hurry up and butter women up to see if he can move in with them and such. I wonder if this female is single.

Have Hope Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2017 Location: Eastern, USA Posts: 9,096 (SuperPoster!) 6 3,628 hugs given	Nov 23, 2020 at 01:45 PM #489 I ALMOST just called her at work to tell her off. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes

divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,386 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Nov 23, 2020 at 02:32 PM #493 I wonder if he told her he is in process of divorce

Have Hope Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2017 Location: Eastern, USA Posts: 9,096 (SuperPoster!) 6 3,628 hugs given	Nov 23, 2020 at 02:38 PM #494 He told her last week that he was, when I was about to divorce him then. She invited him over for Thanksgiving! __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes

divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,386 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Nov 23, 2020 at 03:10 PM #495 Great. So she thinks he is pretty much available. How did you find out she invited him to thanksgiving?