I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

Thank you all! It really helps to receive your support!!!!

I don't think he can claim harassment with my texts.

And NOW, he's trying to turn the tables on me now and is blaming me for my reactions to his infidelity. He's trying to turn it all around on me to make ME the bad guy for reacting with anger and upset.. Ie, you've upset my mother, she's sedated and she's elderly. Ie, you tried to get me fired by calling her at work.

More abuse! I can't take it anymore.

He's triggering me so much right now. He's putting me on the defensive now, when HE's the one who had the affair.

It’s rich! You reacted with anger. How were you supposed to react? Atta boy???

Affair is with a coworker so yes you called work. It’s not like you called work about him not doing laundry

Don’t speak to him. Put headphones on. Can you leave? Malls are open. Go walk there or sit on a bench. Restaurants are closed for dining in here due to covid but if they aren’t closed in your state go to a diner for breakfast, take a book with you.

I know, right?? Exactly! HOW am I supposed to react? Just lie down and take it?

He's being abusive is what he is being. He's trying to make me into the bad guy. It's all deflection off of him and his affair.

I did leave. I am at my parents' home for the day. Thank goodness I can be away from him all day.

Turns out due to covid, I cannot travel out of state tomorrow night. So I am stuck at home with him again. UGH!

Tomorrow everything is open, looks like restaurants aren’t close in your area so go sit in a coffee shop or a diner and do work search and apply for jobs. Take your laptop. No need to be home at all. Then go to the mall walking, get yourself moving around and I bet you can sit in the mall on a bench and do more work search. Time better spent. When at home put headphones, buy noise cancelling if you don’t have it and go sit in a second bedroom looking for jobs and watch funny tv shows, if you don’t have a tablet watch on a laptop or a phone. Don’t interact with him

Also gyms are open in your area. If you don’t have a membership ask for a day pass or maybe even free trial. My gym does free days as advertisement

He'll be working tomorrow thankfully, so I can have the apartment to myself for the day. I just have to deal with the weekend, so yes, I will get myself out on Sat and Sun for a good amount of time. I can go to the mall or sit in a coffee shop - great ideas.

I just told him to never speak with me again unless it's about necessary and important apartment details. I am done talking to him.

It's enraging though. He's falsely accusing me of trying to get him fired, when I didn't, so I defended myself. Then he said my message to his new lover was "vile" and that I intentionally tried to hurt him. Not true. Then he accused me of being threatening to his mother. Not true either. I simply informed her of his abuse and told her I would get a restraining order on him if necessary.

“Vile”. No kidding. Sure it was vile. What did he think it’s going to be? Warm and fuzzy?

Don’t respond to him.

I know. He's playing the victim.

I am trying HARD to cut off all communication now.

Let him write. It will come handy. Just don’t respond.

As about work situation, if you don’t want to be fired you don’t do inappropriate stuff with coworkers! It’s not your fault he did all that! You didn’t cause it, his actions did. He is unhappy he got busted and she likely called it off.

YEP. All true!!!!!

I know it's hard to cut coms when all you want (I'm imagining here) is for him to SEE what he's done!
Urghhhh.
I suggest bearing in mind that you still hold power in your approval. If you can withhold your approval, without completing taking it back, you might even just get a little cooperation from him!
I would also suggest no coms, or also v basic coms like "OK" or "fair enough" in response.
I know it seems like childish games, and it is really, but if he thinks he might get away with some shred of dignity intact, he might be more determined to save that shred of dignity, than to make you PAY BADLY for showing him up.
I wish I wasn't so tuned in to this way of thinking. It gives me the creeps, but really sometimes is best to play their sad little game and come out the winner.
Creeps like him will only ever play their game by their rules, there's no getting away from that.
I really suggest you keep him in confusion.
The other options are being his supply, or being his problem/enemy. He will either be focused on maintaining a facade, taking all he can get, or taking you down.
I suggest you let him work on that facade until you are far away from him!

I wish I could act in that way, but it goes against my own emotional reactions and I say what's exactly on my mind. I am letting him have it, I am standing up for myself, and I am not taking his bs accusations and deflections.

This is how it is for now. Maybe that will change in a week's time when I can calm down from all of this. But he is being abusive all over again right now, so I cannot just lie down and take it passively or say "ok". I am fighting back.

I guess that is just feeding his supply, even if it's negative attention, it's still attention. So I am sure his ego is being fed by my upset. And I am sure he feels some amount of control still because I am reacting with anger and upset. So he probably feels he can control my emotions and toy with me that way.

It's a very disturbing and sick dynamic.

This is what I last wrote to him by text just now:

Two last points and then I am done: STOP PLAYING THE VICTIM. I did NOT threaten your mother. I simply told her the truth. YOUR actions at work got you into trouble, not me. YOU had an affair and did something morally WRONG AND against the policies. I did NOT try to intentionally hurt you at work. SO GO F YOURSELF and have a wonderful rest of your day.

👍🏻Good one

I hope so. He hasn’t replied.

You got the last word in so now if he writes back do not reply no matter what he writes. Not a word.

I normally dislike games but you got to use some strategies with him

Agreed. And I did get the last word in. I will try hard not to reply if he does respond. I know it’s best if I do not.

I think I’m traumatized by what’s happening. Totally traumatized.

Well it is traumatizing especially if moving out or divorcing is cumbersome due to unemployment