I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

KBMK · Dec 02, 2020 at 11:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Yeah I want to fix it but I didn’t do anything. Then what do you plan on fixing if you didn’t do anything

...maybe just wanting the "problem" to fix itself and get back in line

or chase them down the shoot

divine1966 · Dec 02, 2020 at 11:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KBMK

...maybe just wanting the "problem" to fix itself and get back in line

or chase them down the shoot

He wants to fix it but also wants Hope yo know that he didn’t do anything bad. Please...

Have Hope · Dec 02, 2020 at 12:58 PM

He's saying how devastated he is.... well, too bad honey. You made your bed, and now you get to lie in it.

Have Hope · Dec 02, 2020 at 03:26 PM

I made the vast mistake of engaging with him today. He denies everything, which is enraging me even more. I got more gaslighting, then manipulations and then guilt tripping. I am SO done with him.

Have Hope · Dec 02, 2020 at 04:53 PM

He reminds me of past parasite boyfriends I couldn’t get rid of - and thats how I view him now., he’s a leech and a parasite I have to shake off my body, or scrape off.

Have Hope · Dec 03, 2020 at 07:49 AM

I am getting some amount of peace this morning, meaning no messages from him (yet).

I am constantly astounded by his behavior - the gaslighting, the manipulations and the continued lying. Yesterday he was trying to tell me "don't throw our marriage away over just two texts to someone". He was downplaying the whole affair! He reduces it to "two texts" -- well, those two texts indicated A LOT about where his mind was at -- he was thinking of HER, while he was WITH ME, he was sending HER sweet nothings THE DAY AFTER we MADE LOVE together! OMG! I mean, seriously... don't throw the marriage away over two texts? NO, it's over your affair you a-hole!

divine1966 · Dec 03, 2020 at 07:56 AM

Don’t forget that there were other things and this affair is just the last straw. You can tell him that

Sure if texts were “what time is the meeting tomorrow” then if course it’s no biggie. Thinking and dreaming of your female co worker and telling her that while in bed with your wife is enough reason to end a marriage. Plus these are texts you know. How many he had that you don’t know about

Stop responding to him. He is now building a narrative how you over react. You could tell him that this is not even the only reason for divorce but just another thing that is wrong here. Tell him that you divorcing because you don’t want him to be married to him and end of story

Have Hope · Dec 03, 2020 at 08:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Don’t forget that there were other things and this affair is just the last straw. You can tell him that

Sure if texts were “what time is the meeting tomorrow” then if course it’s no biggie. Thinking and dreaming of your female co worker and telling her that while in bed with your wife is enough reason to end a marriage. Plus these are texts you know. How many he had that you don’t know about

Stop responding to him. He is now building a narrative how you over react. You could tell him that this is not even the only reason for divorce but just another thing that is wrong here. Tell him that you divorcing because you don’t want him to be married to him and end of story

Even if he IS building a narrative of me overreacting, I am sure people will still wonder what really happened and may raise an eyebrow over the whole thing since I am choosing to end a marriage that people all thought was a happy one.

And yes, it's enough to end a marriage over. But you are correct - it's the whole of what he's put me through, and it's his abuse overall on top of an infidelity.

He enraged me all over again though yesterday, proving to myself that no communication is best.

divine1966 · Dec 03, 2020 at 08:44 AM

People won’t even care why you are divorcing. Who needs to know? No one. I don’t care why people get divorced.

I meant he is building a narrative to make you question your decision. I’d not care what he tell other people

Have Hope · Dec 03, 2020 at 08:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

People won’t even care why you are divorcing. Who needs to know? No one. I don’t care why people get divorced.

I meant he is building a narrative to make you question your decision. I’d not care what he tell other people

Oh yes... now I see what you mean. That's exactly what he did to me all day yesterday - trying to get me to question my decision. It was all manipulation.

He's given up on reconciliation for right now. I went ballistic again on him yesterday, so he's backed off.

Have Hope · Dec 03, 2020 at 09:57 AM

Please don't chastise or criticize me for this, but I left a message for his ex wife last night. I wanted to speak with her to get HER side of the story. My now ex tells me this morning that it upset her and to not contact anyone he knows anymore. I didn't reply or say one single word to address it with him. I am ignoring his request. I will not be contacting anyone else, but I did want to speak with his ex. I am gathering she will not be calling me back, however.

ArtleyWilkins · Dec 03, 2020 at 10:17 AM

Not criticizing, just be careful. You probably need to avoid contact with all in his circle. Your doing this, like Divine said a few posts back, provides him evidence that you are overreacting (and perhaps harassing him and his circle of people). Don't gift him with that kind of ammunition.

Sorry you are going through this. Sounds miserable.

Have Hope · Dec 03, 2020 at 10:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

Not criticizing, just be careful. You probably need to avoid contact with all in his circle. Your doing this, like Divine said a few posts back, provides him evidence that you are overreacting (and perhaps harassing him and his circle of people). Don't gift him with that kind of ammunition.

Sorry you are going through this. Sounds miserable.

Thank you for the reminder. I do need to be careful, and I need to watch my own actions. I appreciate your candor and warning.

divine1966 · Dec 03, 2020 at 11:38 AM

Yeah she likely won’t tell you anything because if she doesn’t know you, she has no idea what you going to do with that information. I don’t blame you wanting to know, but there’s no way to know for sure. I’d never tell anyone anything about my ex husband and I hope he’d never say anything about me. But I get the temptation to know.

On the other hand he can’t tell you who to contact. Not up to him. I would be careful about contacting people but not because he says so. He isn’t in charge

KBMK · Dec 03, 2020 at 12:10 PM

I know what it's like wanting to get to the truth, or "unmask" someone.
From what you have said about the ex-wife before, it sounds like she is still interested or invested somehow. It's OK to want to speak to people! It just depends how you go about it. They might not want to know, especially if you're very upset. A lot of people will struggle to listen or understand. It can't be forced at all.
Is there anyone you can trust to advise you? Like your therapist or abuse advocate? It is up to you who you speak to, and how you speak to them (not up to anyone else). You have to live the consequences of your actions, and they have to live with the consequences of their own actions, too

Have Hope · Dec 03, 2020 at 01:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Yeah she likely won’t tell you anything because if she doesn’t know you, she has no idea what you going to do with that information. I don’t blame you wanting to know, but there’s no way to know for sure. I’d never tell anyone anything about my ex husband and I hope he’d never say anything about me. But I get the temptation to know.

On the other hand he can’t tell you who to contact. Not up to him. I would be careful about contacting people but not because he says so. He isn’t in charge

I doubt she'll call me. He *claims* she was upset by my call. He's probably lying about that.

And yeah, he cannot tell me whom I can and cannot contact. I ignored that part of his text completely.

I will not be contacting anyone else.

Have Hope · Dec 03, 2020 at 01:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KBMK

I know what it's like wanting to get to the truth, or "unmask" someone.
From what you have said about the ex-wife before, it sounds like she is still interested or invested somehow. It's OK to want to speak to people! It just depends how you go about it. They might not want to know, especially if you're very upset. A lot of people will struggle to listen or understand. It can't be forced at all.
Is there anyone you can trust to advise you? Like your therapist or abuse advocate? It is up to you who you speak to, and how you speak to them (not up to anyone else). You have to live the consequences of your actions, and they have to live with the consequences of their own actions, too

I wasn't revealing of info in my message to her. I just said I'd love to talk to her. But apparently this is null and void because he says she won't be calling me and that she doesn't wish to speak with me.

I am speaking with both my advocate and my therapist tomorrow -- good!!!! I need it. Right now I feel traumatized by his abuse from yesterday.

KBMK · Dec 03, 2020 at 01:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I wasn't revealing of info in my message to her. I just said I'd love to talk to her. But apparently this is null and void because he says she won't be calling me and that she doesn't wish to speak with me.

I am speaking with both my advocate and my therapist tomorrow -- good!!!! I need it. Right now I feel traumatized by his abuse from yesterday.

God only knows what is going on there, then. Cannot imagine why that would upset anyone. Good that you aren't taking it to heart.

Have Hope · Dec 03, 2020 at 02:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KBMK

God only knows what is going on there, then. Cannot imagine why that would upset anyone. Good that you aren't taking it to heart.

I suspect he's lying so that I don't try calling her back again.

divine1966 · Dec 03, 2020 at 02:29 PM

She maybe was upset to find out he messed up his second marriage. In addition who knows what he told her. He maybe told her that you are abusive and crazy and he finally escape you so she is now upset about it. or scared for herself. I’d not trust anything he says to anyone

He maybe asked to go live in her place so she is upset about that. Who knows

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Have Hope Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2017 Location: Eastern, USA Posts: 9,127 (SuperPoster!) 6 3,641 hugs given	Dec 02, 2020 at 12:58 PM #883 He's saying how devastated he is.... well, too bad honey. You made your bed, and now you get to lie in it. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes

Have Hope Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2017 Location: Eastern, USA Posts: 9,127 (SuperPoster!) 6 3,641 hugs given	Dec 02, 2020 at 03:26 PM #884 I made the vast mistake of engaging with him today. He denies everything, which is enraging me even more. I got more gaslighting, then manipulations and then guilt tripping. I am SO done with him. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes

Have Hope Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2017 Location: Eastern, USA Posts: 9,127 (SuperPoster!) 6 3,641 hugs given	Dec 02, 2020 at 04:53 PM #885 He reminds me of past parasite boyfriends I couldn’t get rid of - and thats how I view him now., he’s a leech and a parasite I have to shake off my body, or scrape off. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes

divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,491 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,279 hugs given	Dec 03, 2020 at 08:44 AM #889 People won’t even care why you are divorcing. Who needs to know? No one. I don’t care why people get divorced. I meant he is building a narrative to make you question your decision. I’d not care what he tell other people

ArtleyWilkins Magnate Member Since Oct 2018 Location: USA Posts: 2,790 5 7 hugs given	Dec 03, 2020 at 10:17 AM #892 Not criticizing, just be careful. You probably need to avoid contact with all in his circle. Your doing this, like Divine said a few posts back, provides him evidence that you are overreacting (and perhaps harassing him and his circle of people). Don't gift him with that kind of ammunition. Sorry you are going through this. Sounds miserable.

divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,491 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,279 hugs given	Dec 03, 2020 at 02:29 PM #900 She maybe was upset to find out he messed up his second marriage. In addition who knows what he told her. He maybe told her that you are abusive and crazy and he finally escape you so she is now upset about it. or scared for herself. I’d not trust anything he says to anyone He maybe asked to go live in her place so she is upset about that. Who knows