Why are codependency and trauma bond assumed within an abusive relationship?

People seem to assume that because I have been in more than one abusive relationship, that means I must be codependent and also trauma bonded.

(I am not talking about on PC).

What I see myself doing again and again is overlooking the red flags because I've wanted a relationship.

When I recognize that it's abuse, I do leave. Like in my current marriage. I almost left him in July. Then he tried to change, so I gave him a chance because he begged me to stay and give him a chance. Now the abuse is cycling back again, so I plan on leaving him.

I do not try to fix or change someone to the detriment of my own mental health, which is the definition of codependency.

I am not trauma bonded because I have been in therapy all of my life and I have come to peace. with my past abuse (for the most part).

However, I must have some sort of sign on my head that attracts abusers.

With my current husband, perhaps it's because he saw I was out alone a lot of the time, without friends around me. Maybe this made me more vulnerable to a predator and easy prey.

My last abusive ex found me on a mental health forum and started replying to my threads about abuse, pretending to be all sympathetic and supportive, when in fact, he turned out to be a raging narcissist and an abuser himself.

In the past, I may have been slightly codependent... slightly. Because I did try harder to change someone's poor behavior and teach them the concept of respect, while I continued to suffer. But I stopped doing that long ago.

My husband has proven to me that he cannot change. And I have no desire to go to couples counseling with him now. I don't see any chance for us at this point.

And trauma bond?

When it comes to my own life, I just think I have very poor judgement with choosing men. I don't pick up on the nuances of bad behaviors in the early stages. My dad was a narcissist and was also emotionally abusive and neglectful. It's probably my conditioning that makes me ignore or not even see red flags.

But it's annoying when people assume that because you've been abused, it means you must be codependent and trauma bonded. I am sick of people loosely slapping on psych terms when they themselves are not a therapist.

What I take from you post is that you're someone who has been through a lot in their life and has learned from it all. You are smart and have made big improvements to yourself and your patterns. You're human... always new things to learn. I can hear your frustration with people trying to label you. It sucks, but just remember you are more than a label.

Just my 2 cents. Hope this is taken for the compliment it is!

@Julielynn1990, aw, thank you! And I DO take that as a nice compliment!!

I sure have been through a LOT in life - through the wringer and back again. I try to learn the lessons, but apparently, once again, I did not learn the lesson of avoiding an abuser, since I got involved with yet another one. GRRRRRRRRRR.

But yes, I am more than just a label, and labels do annoy me.

And I find a lot of projection going on with other people projecting their own issues onto me and my situation. This is with Facebook abuse groups specifically where I am a member. Many women on these groups simply just project. It makes it very hard to stomach a lot of the times when you're being told this, that and the other about yourself and it's not even true!! Then you have to defend yourself or point out that they may be all projections. GRRRRRR.

Sometimes the answer is simpler than it looks, there's nothing wrong with that. Choosing the right person for us can be a REALLY hard task! You are doing your best by trying to improve and learn with experience. If the current relationship doesn't suit You, definitely try to decide what the best option may be. Keep trying! SEnding many safe, warm hugs to BOTH You, @Have Hope, Your Family, Your FriEnds, Your Husband and ALL of Your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Thanks, @MickeyCheeky!!!!!

And thanks so much for the encouragement!!! I need it right now... now more than ever.

Some people lack deep understanding of things but they’ve learned some psycho babble and now they shlep it on to everything and anything even it’s not even remotely relevant. They think it makes them sound intelligent and important but in reality this psycho babble has no deep meaning. And they can’t fool us with it. Let them talk. Ignore.

As situations with men, we can’t really help who we attract and who we might initially like but we sure can help who we get committed to, who we bring home and marry.

I honestly think you’d benefit from raising your standards and expectations of men. It has to be more than them being lovey dovey, it’s not enough, they have to be higher class of men. Relationship with higher standards men might still not work but at least you won’t feel screwed over.

Honestly some men you were with were way beneath you and were in no shape or form relationship or commitment material. You have to aim higher. And then have list of deal breakers and get out as soon as you see anything wrong with them, which is typically just few months. No one can pretend to be great longer than that. Having said that, we all’ve been there and done that. You aren’t alone in this. We all live and learn. You deserve the best and you are on a right track

Oh yes... many love to slap psychobabble into their comments, when really it's inappropriate and not suitable for the situation at hand. I'm finding many women on these abuse forums doing just that on Facebook. I just roll my eyes, lol.

My mother told me many years ago that I needed to raise my standards. I guess I never knew how high I should really set that bar, but it's pretty high. Not impossible but high. I have very strong morals and ethics, and I treat people with respect and kindness. I expect the same in a partner, at the very least.

But, that being said, I will not be pursuing ANY romantic relationships once I divorce and I will never again.

I have decided to be single for the remainder of my living days.

I am going to make myself comfortable with that. I have two girlfriends who decided the same thing. I will go out with them. And I will make many more girlfriends too.

I will join hiking groups, kayaking and skiing groups. I will live my life to the fullest, without a partner. I will do as I please. I think I can be very happy this way, albeit lonely at times, but I think I can still be very happy. Maybe even the happiest I've been in my entire life.

You yourself definitely have high standards and expectations of yourself. But you don’t expect the same of others, especially of men but sometimes of your friends too or you’d not end up with these people. I think that’s what your mom meant. You need to set your expectations of other people as high as expectations of yourself and if they don’t meet the standards, you don’t spend time with them or get into relationships or marry. Even if you decide to never date, setting standards high might help in avoiding questionable friendships too. You are very nice and sometimes being so nice cause all these people enter your life.

You do drugs? Smoke weed every day? No thanks, not interested in dating you. You don’t have a place to live? Sorry, not interested. You want me to support you? Nope good bye, see you when you are on your feet. You drink too much? Not interested. You don’t have a job? Lose my phone number. You like to argue and raise your voice? Good bye. You lie? Good bye, not interested in dating you or being friends. You aren’t self sufficient? See you never. You insist on having sex, moving in etc etc too soon? Good bye.

Not saying you should become a meany but stick to deal breakers, set your deal breakers to match high standards and stick to it

Oh it’s fun to be single, I totally agree. I was single most of my adult life. Something to be said about freedom to do whatever and enjoy your life the way to see fit

I am definitely not a fan of psych terms being slapped on loosely, whether by professionals or on places like Facebook. It’s easier to ignore it as the ignorance it is on fb. It is annoying, I agree.

You're 100% correct. I have been very accepting of people in the world and in life, and that has allowed unsavory characters to enter.

I guess what I fear is that I'll be completely alone if I set my standards SO high, even in friendships.

I am most grateful for the good friends I DO have though. My closest friends are all quality people.

But yes, I've had low standards... it makes me very sad that I've thought so little of myself all these years where I felt I had to lower my standards to have someone love me.

I remember with my previous ex, after I had been hospitalized, I felt like no one healthy and "normal" per se would accept me or love me. So I guess I had those thoughts in my mind while choosing the next person to date, who turned out to be a malignant narcissist with severe mental health issues who abused me.

It's making me tear up right now.

Thanks, Fuzzy.

It really irks me when this happens. It makes me feel defensive and like I have to explain myself. I wish I could ignore it better than I do.

Well you have to reasonable. I am not saying you must only date Nobel Prize winners. But your standards have to match some common sense and age brackets. Like what was ok at 20, isn’t ok at 50. People don’t need to be perfect. But at the very least they shouldn’t be addicts and should be self-sufficient and posses good character. Not saying they need to be gorgeous or rich. Just regular people with regular values and healthy life style.

I have a friend who spent her whole life single (despite wanting a partner) because she could never meet the right person. Right person in her mind is thin and over 6ft tall and good looking. No amount of examples of nice people who are shorter or heavier or average looking would change her mind.

You have to feel attraction but it doesn’t need to be such rigid criteria! That’s I say is unrealistic and shallow expectation. Well in her case I think she has these unreasonable expectation as an excuse for not dating because deep inside she doesn’t want a partner. She isn’t a shallow person so why would she have such shallow expectation?

Yeah.... I hear you.

I will address this in my individual therapy for sure.

It's neither here nor there though since I will refuse to date anyone for a very long time. That's my plan.

And I may decide to never date again. I could just be done.

I've had SO many toxic relationships at this point, I am 50 years old, and I am tired. I need peace of mind. I need happiness. I need my independence. I believe I could be happy being single for the remainder of my life. I may never develop an interest in men again. It's very possible. Two if my close girlfriends chose to be single and they're happy.

Ok, now one woman on this abuse facebook group is grouping me into a group of women who enter abusive relationships with the notion that if they just love the man enough, he will be healed. COME ON. THIS WAS NOT AND IS NOT ME. I am getting really frustrated. Maybe I'll stop posting in these groups for a while.

From what you say, these groups seem to lack insight and I agree it might be a good idea to step away for a while, if you feel they’re not serving you well.
As for ending up with more than one abusive partner, I wouldn’t say it’s codependency in your case - to me, that’s more a trait, or set of traits that can keep you stuck with someone even if you know they’re not good for you (as you say, it’s that desire to fix the other person). It doesn’t necessarily mean every person you attract will be an abuser.
divine1966’s advice is good - abusers tend not to like the boundaries that come from upholding high standards. Don’t let anyone shame you for having them, either. It’s their problem if they don’t like them!

Thank you, @RoxanneToto.

I agree that I should step away from these groups for a bit.

I know what I've done wrong -- I overlook the red flags and give the person a chance. I haven't had specific criteria, and I haven't had high standards. I've been far too accepting of lower standards. I usually land in an abusive situation whenever I've been most vulnerable in life, ie, coming off of another abusive relationship, needing a place to stay or live, or feeling very lonely and unhappy in my life. Sometimes I've settled just to have someone in my life when I've been lonely.

Well, no more. I'm sooooo done with this pattern.

I'm in my 50's and saw a parents death and my trauma bonding has been about fixing that situation. So the right relationship has been on that has been unstable so that I could repair. So naturally, unstable relationships tend to be so because of reasons that are not good. Not always however.


The co-dependency thing for me and others is because we were invisible/powerless etc., and that ends up being what we're comfortable with and we are uncomfortable sometimes claiming and stepping in to our own power and responsibility so again, that's not good either.


That said, everyone's situation and history is unique and all the above may may look completely different.


Awareness and self knowledge are everything. I long ago learned to not discount the fact of how much I matter and to let go of the things that I cannot fix. Healthy boundaries are so important and can be a scary thing. Someone mentioned the idea of "if you love them enough". That is so toxic.


Just wanted to write a response because it helps me and a lot of my stuff is tied up with PTSD so it resurfaces all on it's own whenever. Peace.

Thanks for your post.

I bolded here what I thought was very important to highlight. Each person's journey and experience is unique - this could not be more true.

It's great you have so much insight into your own history and background that provides explanations and context for you around your own patterns and relationships.

I agree that the concept of "If you love them enough, they will change" as being a toxic or unhealthy belief.

My issue is I have a broken "picker" and I haven't been able to be discerning enough in the beginning when choosing partners. I do have a strong voice within a relationship and I voice my opinions, feelings and thoughts, even when they are opposing my partner's, and I also outright state my preferences and needs.

I just choose the wrong partners. I need a better picker and a far pickier picker, IF I were to ever get involved again.

But when I am being stepped on, I do leave the situation.

As other posters pointed out, why people assume these terms is that they are usually related, and also because they are showing off their skills of psychobabble.

How long does a relationship has to be to become either of these? I’m not sure I understand them.

Yes, exactly.

I have been erroneously grouped into codependency and trauma bonded along with trying to fix an abuser with love and understanding.

My guess is these female victims of abuse are still in recovery and are just projecting their own issues onto me.

None of these have to do with length of time with an abuser, I don't think. Or, perhaps they do, if one recognizes they're being abused yet still stay.

Trauma bond signifies that you're trying to resolve an older trauma through the current relationship. Codependency signifies that you're willing to sacrifice your own mental health for the sake of fixing someone's problems. And fixing an abuser with love and understanding? That one blew my mind.