Tangled Up in Knots

I am so, so nervous.

I am in the process of being hired for a terrific position. The owner of the company interviewed me and he loved me, so I have a second interview. The pay will be more than enough to move out. It'll be three 12 hour shifts a week, so I'll make sure I'll get one free day for studying, then I'll have my school days to do studying, too.

I feel I will be able to do both work and school at the same time... I am not counting on it, but due to the nature of the position, there will be windows of down time where doing homework is possible BUT I'm not counting on it. I am prepared to do homework outside of work time and to study very hard. I am a straight A student and I am very dedicated, and I believe in myself that I can achieve good grades while working these 12 hour shifts.

But I am SO scared to tell my parents. My problem is that I am an oversharer, for one, and I tend to pour information on them just to prove that I can do it and am capable, which rubs them the wrong way because it's TMI. They also are not very receptive and I can expect that they will take this very negatively. My brother had me "do my research" to prove to myself I am able to move out and I am not taking anything lightly, but my brother says I don't need to share any of this with them.

He says...

1) Tell them I am doing this for me, because *I* want to do this.

a) Yesterday, I found out I have maxed out my unemployment (so thank God I started applying when I did!) My brother says, stick to telling them I want to do this for me and not because I have to.

2) Stick to the bare bones of information. Pretend I am a supervisor debriefing them on a report. Say the 5 W's, but only share what I want to share, and be confident and straightforward about it.

3) If they question me, answer them, but ultimately it's my life, and I can do what I want to do.

Still, each morning I wake up in knots. It's so nerve-wracking. I am someone, because of my illness, who has had to be honest about everything with how I feel and what's going on in my life. I'm still not use to telling only the basics.

This is mostly a vent, and it did help venting, but does anyone have any comforting words to make me feel better about my decision or to be less nervous about confronting my parents? Thank you!

“Mom and dad, I decided to try living on my own, it’s a natural progression of things that kids move out. I’ll continue seeing you and talking often and I am forever grateful for everything you do for me. Me moving out is not anything against you. It’s just something people do. I got to the age when it’s normal to move out. I hope you support me in my decision to try more independence and in fact I need your moral support in this endeavor”

You make a good point, Divine. Making sure they know it's nothing personal (even though it is) is important. It's important for me to say, "I am forever grateful for everything you've done for me" because the point of moving out is not to burn bridges but to enhance our relationship. I have heard that for some families, parent-child relationships can actually improve by moving out. And I do want a better relationship with them.

Thank you Divine, that was very helpful.

It's all about a balance of saying just enough without going overboard. Taking these steps to independence is very scary to me. I worry it's not enough or they'll find some way to make me stay instead of letting me go.

I don’t have much advice, but I really hope it goes well when you come to tell them you want to move out. Everything else sounds really positive, so good luck!

You worries are understandable. But fingers crossed they’ll be on board or will get it eventually

Parents preventing an adult child from moving out is highly unusual and not healthy. Are they trying to keep you like a child? Is there a health reason you cannot move on your own? You don’t have to answer, I just don’t understand.

Divine’s wording was perfect. Be confident and good luck!

I am more than healthy and capable of being independent, but yes, they try to keep me in their little box as this fragile and incapable child. There's too much to say about that...but I'm afraid there will be a big feud over it.

Let them know this would be the greatest gift they could give you.

Lark, first off, congratulations on the job prospect!

Is there someone you could practice what you want to say to your parents with? I've found that helpful.

It is frustrating when others put us in a box and don't recognize the changes we make. I think it is especially difficult for parents. It seems no matter how much we grow and change parents still see us as their children. You have grown and matured tremendously. Maybe it would help you to review the changes you've made?

I've woken up with severe anxiety every day for the past few days. It seems like throughout the day I build up my case, things sound really good, but I'm afraid when the times comes I'll be submissive with my tail between my legs all puppy-eyed, "please let me become an adult" rather than be the confident and matter-of-fact person I'm trying to be.

I'm starting to believe my anxiety is for nothing. But I do worry because the day before Halloween my mom and I had a huge blow up over me breaking up with this guy I dated for two months...she was way too involved playing matchmaker and pushing for us to make way to many milestones. It got pretty ugly between my mom and I, so I worry getting a job and moving out will be just as difficult...*that's* where the anxiety is coming from.

Thank you for the congrats, I appreciate it! That made me feel good.

I've done the whole, "here's the list of things I've done for myself to become more mature and responsible" and they passively nod their heads.

There is someone I can practice with, and she does a good job listening and giving advice.

I came up with a new thought...

I need to make *my own* transition as smoothly as possible...new FT classes, new FT job, and moving out all at once? That's a bit much for anybody to do, not that I *can't* do it, but I gotta take care of myself while I'm planning all of this.

School? I've done it for a year and a half, no big surprises there, and I am confident that I can juggle school *and* keep my grades up *and* go to work.

But for FT job and moving, I need to make sure my job is set in stone before I jump into moving out. I'm hoping to have the caregiving position offered to me. It'll be for one client that seems well-suited for me, approximately three 12 hour shifts. If things go well, they will find me other clients as well down the road.

But it is foolish to jump into a position and then consequently move out. What if this job doesn't work out in three months and I have no way to pay rent?

My thoughts are to give this job a chance until spring semester before deciding on moving out.

It would also be really crummy to move out during the middle of winter in extreme storms. It would be better to lug out furniture and boxes in better weather. So it does sound reasonable to wait three months until spring break.

And during those few months I can save every penny I can and have a bigger nest egg to move out with. I'm not at the financial goal I'd like to be at to move. I'm not bare bones, but I'd like to move out with enough money for emergencies, vet bills, savings, etc.

These are just a few thoughts I had when I was speaking with a close friend (Thank you Lizard Lady for your suggestion--I immediately called my close friend and she really helped me!)

Whether you want to do something, or you have to doesnt matter to the welfare system. They force us to do things and take on jobs we just do not want, very often.