Trying to help my nephew

The hard part of this challenge for you is your nephew. That's always been what challenged me the most and can trigger me is how I want to help the individual who is struggling and doesn't deserve it. Be it an animal, a child or another individual who is being abused and doesn't deserve it.

The more narcissistic a person is, the more they tend to blame everyone else. They often see things in a very distorted way. It's all about how THEY feel, and they tend to take up space and have everything be about THEM.

When they are angry they don't see beyond their own feelings, they rage and look for anyone they can rage to, even if it's someone weak or struggling, doesn't matter. They are very much like someone drowning and they will pull anyone down with them.

If you observe this happening, it can get VERY TRIGGERING.

It's really sad your brother's treating you that way @seesaw . I agree with your points about narcissistic blaming @openeyes . It does sound narcissistic, and very painful. I hope you can connect to your nephew somehow, but if you're being divided because of his dad, that really isn't the same as you abandoning him

I don't know that my brother is a narcissist. I don't want to use labels. Regardless of labels it is abusive behavior, or user behavior. I only exist to him to provide him whatever he needs. And he gets mad like, oh I have kids and a family and I have to put them first. No, sorry, if you want relationships with people then you have to work on them. So he was willing to sacrifice our relationship, then acted like he wanted to reconcile, when all he really wanted was for me to be a blank person without needs for him to lean on. I want to help and support him, but I'm not putting myself at risk or letting it be detrimental to my own well being. When we first got back in contact and had this serious conversation, he blamed his ex wife for alienating him from his family. I just stayed silent because while she may have done that, he let her, and he still didn't apologize for his behavior. Just blamed it on her. So like my feelings don't matter because his wife made him do it.

No, he alienated himself. He is choosing to be how he is right now. Choosing to lash out at people who try to help. I didn't come back in his life begging for attention. I was surprised when he texted me and a little hopeful to see my nephews. His words to me were that he was going through a divorce and wanted support. At least I've learned that lesson. I should have called that out when he said it, and said something to the effect of, I'm not here to be your therapist, but I am here for a two way relationship. But if you're just looking for one-sided support then you need to talk to your therapist and not me.

It's so ****ed up, and yet I'm still so used to the abuse that I still have to ask others if I'm being unreasonable. And when I tell them what happened, they are like, no way that's wrong.

OE, could you please focus on giving me support instead of trying to analyze and make it okay for my brother to be an abusive person? "Let me speculate all the reasons your brother acts like this so you can understand him" is not helpful right now. His behavior, regardless of what triggers it, are HIS responsibility and he has to own them.

I'm trying to get support for myself and when you focus in on the person hurting me and giving all these excuses for why they hurt me, it's really triggering and does not help. So can we please refocus this to be about supporting me and not excusing him?

Thanks

I don't think there was any labeling... it seemed like useful observations to me. It's a shame there is so much confusion about narcissism, as it isn't intrinsically unhealthy! It's actually a problem if someone's healthy narcissism is wounded, so they are confused about their healthy entitlement etc. We do ALL have needs, and it's not so easy getting them met.
Sorry you are getting triggered @seesaw . This thread is about you, and your nephew. It's not clear to me how anyone can best support you with this. I really think you have done him lots of good, especially in getting him more appropriate treatment. Sorry that your brother isn't on the same page, and understanding where you're coming from. It does sound very upsetting.

Well, support and validation that it's okay to protect myself are what I need. But there is this tendency to try and psychoanalyze the person doing their harm and list out all the excuses for their behavior. I really don't care why he is being hurtful or abusive or a user. I cannot fix him, so the reasons why are of no use to me. What is of use to me is figuring out how to set my boundaries and protect myself.

It's not OK, that he is being abusive. I am not defending how he is behaving. I am actually agreeing with you about how you have a right to distance from him, that you can't be his punching bag. You are absolutely right in that your brother has to be responsible for his own behaviors.

Thanks, OE. I appreciate that. He hasn't responded to my last texts from last night in which I reminded him of the "specifics" he quite conveniently forgot and the "specifics" of what he has done recently. I don't care if he does reply or not, but I'm trying to figure out what to say if he does respond. I figure that it will likely be more escalating and blame and deflection or misdirection, and honestly I just want it to stop. I don't really want to have any more communication with him unless he is willing to take ownership of his behaviors and his past actions. So do I just say that and leave it be?

I do not have the strength to dive into this crap with him right now either. And I'm certainly not dropping everything so that we can have a conversation that will almost certainly have a massive impact on my mental state.

So if there is a response, how do I respond?

Of course, it is good, and very important to protect yourself. You can't fix him, and can only help him, if he wants to be helped.
It's a tough one figuring out boundaries. I still want to help my brother. Even though he has been very volatile and unstable. I understand how our upbringing has wounded him.
We are pretty estranged at the minute. Sometimes I pop round to see how he is, and if he's non-responsive I go off, and sometimes we have a laugh (not for a little while). It's not like walking on eggshells, or a minefield, or anything anymore. That bouncy castle (bounce house ?) description is pretty fitting (thanks @unaluna if it was you who said that).
It might help to decide on some ultimatums...like what you will have to do, if he behaves in a certain way.

I think it's good to decide what you are willing to respond to. If you can't respond to blame, deflection etc. And want to respond if it's about other things (your nephew, his progress, asking how you are etc.) That's totally fine. If he's doing the things that trigger you, maybe you could tell him "I can't talk with you, when you are like this." Or something?

You set a boundary, things are quiet and if he responds by again invading your boundary than don't engage.

That's what I had to do with my older sister, I learned that it was best for me to stay away from her entire drama when my parents were dying. Same thing with my parent's funeral, it was not for my parents at all instead it was just another one of my sister's DRAMAS. I had a good therapist to help me navigate all that toxic and then I had to hire a lawyer who also noticed how incredibly toxic my sister is. It's gotten to the point where everyone sees it and it's embarrassing that I have such toxic older sister. Even her own family doesn't like being around her.

You have every right to defend your boundaries. I have been slowly getting to the point where "let her have all her trophies, she needs them way more than I ever did". I have learned how she has a bad reputation, no one wants to work with her in her field. People do whisper to each other, "stay away from that one".

If someone is vengeful, then get away from them. Let them think they won even. It's not worth it to have any contact. For myself, the hardest thing was/ is the person they are hurting, be it a child, a pet, or a frail aging parent that can't handle the toxic. That's what was the hardest part for me, how her behavior affected my fragile aging parents. I understand that is my challenge and not yours, however, I had to figure out how to navigate all the toxic in a way that preserved my own mental health. It's not always easy, and the outcome may not be ideal. There are things we cannot change even when we want to.

If he responds, don't answer, you can share here and perhaps we can help you respond in a way that can defuse if the response is hurtful. I think you pretty much know, it's just nice to have support. So far your nephew is now at a place he can get treatment. That's a plus that you helped happen.

I haven't been able to do much today. I've been laying down mostly because any activity starts my heart rate up and feeds into my anxiety and makes it worse. My body is stuck in fight or flight right now. This is just like my freaking childhood. It's not a flashback, it's a reoccurence of the abuse I experienced. I'm an adult now and can walk away, but my body doesn't know that.

That is exactly what happens to me. I hate when someone says "just be active and go do this or that", I can't for the same reason you just described, it makes it worse. It's as though I am running a marathon already and someone says, "oh just go run a marathon".

Thank you @KBMK@Open Eyes @sarahsweets, Unaluna (who I know to not tag) and everyone who has offered support as I have been trying to navigate this. I appreciate the responses here and in PMs. I'm feeling really drained on this because I want to help my nephew, but my brother's behavior, which is the same old crap I went no contact for 10 years ago, just opens those old wounds, brings up the flashbacks and panic attacks, but at least now I'm in a place where I don't have to accept his BS, and I can see it for what it is. I'm not sitting here worried how I'll get in trouble with my family or this person or that person will cut me off. It makes me sad because I would like to have a relationship with my brother, a healthy relationship, but I can't do that on my own. It can't be a one-sided relationship where he gets all the support, and I am just a dumping ground. Maybe one day he'll take some responsibility for his behavior, but I'm not holding my breath.

That shows how much you have gained in your healing (((seesaw))), the fact that you have figured this out is a reflection of how much work you have been doing, a kind of work so few understand and give it the respect it deserves.

Do what you think is best and all the best.

Thanks, Prycejosh!