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DazedandConfused254
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Default Aug 31, 2020 at 04:45 PM
  #1
One of my best friends from high school is texting me more often to make tall requests for financial favors.

He hasn’t been as needy as some of my other friends, who have persisted in making unreasonable demands even when I said no. But after reconnecting with him recently after a lull in communication, where he gave me updates about growing his family and invited me to be a grooms man for his upcoming wedding, he then transitioned to contact me more than half the time only to ask me for the jobs in question. First time it was for borrowing a loan of 300 for his rent. Another time he wanted to use me as a reference to help him build credit. Then the breaking point for me was when he wanted me to borrow 30 for fixing his van, and also asked me to come to his area where COVID cases were peaking.

Each time this guy contacted me for a favor requiring a payment I had to tell him no since my former part time job was sporadic, so I didn’t have much wiggle room with my budget. I said I could help him with a reference but even then it was a forced yes since it could quickly evolve into over reliance on me for financial help when it’s not convenient or appropriate.

Since I keep telling him no and he still keeps on with requesting money from me, I may go to the next step of non-responses to his texts that start with “could you do me a favor”. I’m at a bit of a loss though, since he looks up to me as one of the only people he still considers a friend from high school. But just like when my family didn’t answer unknown/junk calls on our former landline, I also don’t want to stay constantly connected 24/7, especially to people who take advantage or who I want to distance from.

Of course I wouldn’t ignore this guy forever, but I do stay busy with outdoor chores around the house, and I’m preparing to enter the work force, which could legitimize sluggish or no responses from my end. Do you agree? Or can you give me any other perspectives on handling his unreasonable demands?

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Default Aug 31, 2020 at 05:23 PM
  #2
Maybe you are one of his last friends from school because he's burned everyone else borrowing from them.

You have the right to respond to calls and texts when it suits you. Answer if/when you feel like it.

As for the ongoing requests for money, why not outright tell him you don't lend people money, period.
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Default Sep 02, 2020 at 12:45 PM
  #3
Thanks for your insight LizardLady! I’ve been thinking the same thing, he may look to me as his last resort of people he could use for favors

I’m also grateful for the reminder that I don’t have to stay constantly connected with someone like this person who is simply using me. I think I’ll probably have to tell him eventually that I don’t do financial favors for people. So maybe I have a way to prevent him from treating me as a friend defined only by what I can do for him.

Great hearing from you!

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Default Sep 09, 2020 at 01:13 AM
  #4
Hey @DazedandConfused254: I hate to be so blunt but this person needs to be cut out of your life. Persisting in borrowing even after you are told no, is a form of a toxic friendship. It means that your standing in their eyes is firmly on your ability to give them what they want. Has he ever paid you back? Has he ever been there when you really needed him? Is he reliable? My guess is no to all those questions. When you say no to someone for requests that you are not comfortable with it is tempting to give an explaination. "I cant loan you money because I only work part time now and my hours were cut"
"I cant give you money because I have this or that to fix". This friend is not owed an explanation. No, is the only thing you need to say followed maybe by "Im not comfortable with that". Remember 'No' is a complete sentence. Personally I feel this persons' true colors are showing and i feel like you might have less stress and hassle if they were told in no uncertain terms that you are pulling back due to their requests and inability to take the word no for an answer.

Toxic friends are like toxic waste. They both need to get dumped.

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Default Sep 09, 2020 at 04:56 AM
  #5
People who are persistent and obnoxious don’t deserve your polite resistance. They are like the stereotypical salesman who sticks his foot in your door as you try to close it on him. Keep saying ‘no’ and tell him to stop asking. What is the nature of your friendship anyway? Is this a person you enjoy other things in common with? Do you see each other socially, outside of this pandemic?

I tend to be totally honest about these kinds of things. I had a friend who kept trying to borrow money. When I gave her some, she never paid me back. She had a gambling addiction. So, I never gave her any money again. She kept pestering me about it. I kept saying ‘no’ and asked her to not ask me again. The answer is ‘no’.

Shortly thereafter she provoked a fight with me and never apologized or called me again. This was a lifelong friend. That was two years ago. She was just a user was sadly the ultimate truth. If she’d have borrowed money and paid me back and not have been a user in many ways, I’d have let her borrow what I could and continued the friendship. The using was not a friendship. I was just a patsy to use and she only pretended to be a friend.

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Default Sep 09, 2020 at 05:12 AM
  #6
He just sounds like a user, to me. Does he have anything to offer YOU, friendship wise... or is he trying to butter you up to try and extract what he wants?
You say he looks up to you; I’ve always thought you look up to someone because you respect them, not because you see how much use they can be to you. Knowing someone respects you also doesn’t mean you owe them anything.
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Default Sep 10, 2020 at 04:21 PM
  #7
Thank you for your directness SarahSweets. I really appreciate what you call bluntness. I haven’t even seen this friend since graduating high school 7 years ago, but we have kept in touch. That has allowed me to throw zero dollars and zero cents toward his cause. But he has supported me with kind words during my recent major transitions. I do have stronger boundaries than I used to, but I am bad about over-explaining, so I may try that next time. Thanks!

Hey Tisha, that is a powerful comparison. I may even tell him next time around that I am willing to support him as a friend, but not through finances. And like I’ve told Sarah it’s been years since seeing each other, but both of us have been busy. Some plans however to meet up have fallen through. But since I have a classic Mustang and he is a diesel mechanic we do have fun discussions about cars and other things guys are interested in. And thats terrible to hear about this “friend”. You handled the situation just like I would have preferred.

A previous situation was not as severe as yours, but I had a different person who was a neighbor who persisted in favors even after I told him no. The worst was when I gave him a ride to an international airport 90 miles away and expected me to give him a ride home even after I said no. And he has also forgotten to return things I’ve loaned to him. Now that time has passed and haven’t heard from him since I was his neighbor, he is a user to a tee.

And RoxanneToto I do agree he has become a bit of a user. He overall has been a good friend, and always seems to have a good word to make rather sucky situations better, but I guess I don’t have to like all his traits to be a friend. I think human society is awful anymore about doing things out of an arbitrary obligation rather than altruism, in other words like living life on a checklist. And sadly this could affect some of my friendships too.

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Default Nov 15, 2020 at 12:37 PM
  #8
Always be open and honest in communications with everyone especially your boyfriend. You have to respect yourself, and tell him you are not doing something if you just do not want to do it. I think relationships are give and take, if there is just taking the partnership will fail, if the partnership is just giving, it will also fail. There has to be balance.
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Default Nov 29, 2020 at 02:16 AM
  #9
Quote:
Originally Posted by Prycejosh1987 View Post
Always be open and honest in communications with everyone especially your boyfriend. You have to respect yourself, and tell him you are not doing something if you just do not want to do it. I think relationships are give and take, if there is just taking the partnership will fail, if the partnership is just giving, it will also fail. There has to be balance.
Thanks for opening up with your advice. People have tried to breed me not to speak up about such matters out of concern for the other's feelings but if my friendship is all about just giving to the other person maybe I need to have a boundary talk with him.

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Default Nov 30, 2020 at 07:46 PM
  #10
I once told an acquaintance friend of mine that I don't lend money, period. I'm happy to give them money (within reason) because money can come between good friends. Then I said that, due to my current situation (at that time, which she knew about) I was not in a position to be helping anyone else, financially. She's never asked me for a loan, since.

Having said that, she was known to use people, too.. for money, favours, etc. So I knew she was playing me at the time. So I empathetically declined.

In your situation, this does not sound like a balanced friendship. It sounds like he's using you and will likely always be asking for things, as long as you don't set that boundary.

At this point, I'd be honest. Tell him you've noticed a pattern of him needing you for financial support and it makes you uncomfortable. You don't have to explain further. You're not helping him by enabling.
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Default Dec 04, 2020 at 11:23 AM
  #11
Just be honest and open with him. All relationships are give and take.
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Default Dec 04, 2020 at 08:17 PM
  #12
That's exactly what I had to do with a friend. He wasn't a user per se, he had other problems he couldn't get a handle on that caused him to leap from one financial crises to another. I just said no, I cannot lend anyone any money any more ever because I just couldn't afford it. I also told him the favor bank had a zero balance and he needed to make some deposits if he wanted to remain friends. He was fine with it and we remained friends for years but I always had to set strong boundaries with him. You also have to have boundaries with yourself so you don't end up letting it make you feel guilty.
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