[DazedandConfused254]

I didn’t use to secretly name drop or talk negatively before my struggle with anxiety, but I find myself doing it frequently every time I’m upset with someone. Although I very rarely resort to name calling and the such to people in their faces, I sometimes use strong words or names under my breath or venting to a third party.

This came to a head last week when I was triggered by my father’s bad temper, which I have tried to set boundaries against when he is around me. I didn’t say anything to my dad’s face, but after a strong conviction thanks to my much more even tempered mother, when I had a few choice words for him, I thought that I would seek help for this undesirable trait.

Both my parents are wonderful people despite their flaws, but I sure don’t want to be like my dad. He may be to blame for this bad habit, as he had often engaged in this same tendency of talking behind others backs when flustered before retiring from his job.

Can anybody help me here so I don’t remain in place?

[WovenGalaxy]

Consider moving out of your parents house. If not now, eventually. Make it a goal.


I think having grown up in a dysfunctional household myself, there is a strong pull, as an adult, to behave the same way with my parents and brother - even though I want to do things differently. It is not all my fault, they way I developed. I'd go so far to say it's not my fault. But I am the only one who can change myself. Its hard. One thing that helps me, has been meditation and mindfulness. Also in the past, I have made solid commitments to have a better relationship with, in particular, my brother. Mindfulness of my behavior and my part in the conflict, has helped, as well as just pausing, and walking away, or stopping before I react, and being gentler. That's my personal situation though. Maybe you can relate somewhat?

It sounds like you want to change. And don't like the way you have been handling things. That's great! I think that's a first step right there. I think it's good to keep in mind that we can't change other people. For a long time (and honestly, still, at times) I wish my brother would see his own part in things, and see my side of things more in our conflicts instead of just explaining his side. But really, it's not like I'm in a romantic relationship with my brother (ew), and by that I just mean we get to pick and choose who we have those types of relationships with thank god, and so I don't have to be close to my brother all the time. Maybe that's a bad example, but we have boundaries basically, of who we allow into our close circle of friends and family, and who we don't. It may be hard, but your Dad is who he is and he can only change if he wants. You can wish he will change. Nothing wrong with that. But don't dwell on it forever. We can't change how someone will be, but we can change how we react to it, even if it's just taking a deep breath, and saying, I can't discuss this while I'm so angry / upset, or while you're so angry or upset. I'll be back in a little while. And then go to your room or outside for 5-10 minutes and cool off, listen to music, read, distract yourself. Give yourself longer, if you need to. A day. 2 days. Then come back and talk to the person. I'm glad you're already setting boundaries.


I like that you see the good in your parents despite the conflict you guys experience. I think that's a strength, dazedandconfused. It sounds like they're not terrible, but that it's complicated. And sometimes things are good and sometimes they're not. Some families are like that. Mine is. I am currently wanting to learn more about forgiveness. The act. The practice. Maybe that might be something to interest you too. There are books out there on peaceful communication. plug some words / questions into a search engine and see what you might find.


Best of luck to you, dazedandconfused. No one is perfect. I've been in therapy a long time, and I'm still not perfect. Imagine that. My therapist is also not perfect. Lol. That's another story for another time. But basically, I see you asking questions and wondering how to improve your situation and make communication better with your parents as well as less painful. Be patient, keep looking, take care of yourself. Best.

[DazedandConfused254]

Thank you for taking so much time to type out this very insightful response! I’ve read and stewed on this post several times already, and thanks to these tips I finally see a practical way to keep my words and actions in check. And I can relate to your situation in a very similar way.

I have actually thought about ways to cut my dependence on my parents and their home, as I’ve received a job offer after applying for a few jobs. Even if it doesn’t work out, situations like the ones I found myself in give me more motivation to go my own way.

I am the kind of person who doesn’t let go of difficult emotions easily. I need to process what the heck just happened first, and allow my emotions to flow before coming back to the matter. Whereas the sucky thing with my folks is even though I’m very even tempered I can go from sitting on top of the world to down in the dumps over an offhand remark or negative attitude. Most days I don’t have a lot of quiet time, since I’m in frequent contact with my folks while living at home, but that often spells trouble when someone’s in a bad mood. It’s like the idiom one bad apple spoiling the whole bunch fitting me to a T. So often if my dad gets into one of his moments, for example, I feel trapped without any room to break free and seek my beloved privacy. Which I think I will find more of once I get my own place. But at the times when my asserting of boundaries have come across as more confrontational like what happened recently maybe it’s another example of my need to grieve that my parents aren’t perfect and how I just need more space than they do so my emotions aren’t all B&W.

This makes me all the more grateful that you provided all these pointers because I sometimes get lost in the psychological lingo or talk too much without acting that I forget these strategies are here to protect me all too often. And just as often I remind myself of my slip ups and completely bypass all my gifts, so thank you also for reminding me of my strengths so I can fully put them into practice with my relationships.

Thank you for helping me feel more empowered! I will remember this next time I get rubbed the wrong way with my folks or just any other people for that matter.

[Prycejosh1987]

It sounds like you need support from your loved ones, its the reason why every time you are upset you mention anxiety. If i was your dad i would love you and help you in success against anxiety. But i am not, i think you may need to speak to your mother about your dads attitude.

Some things and issues in this life, are things and issues where you will not have support, even from family and friends. Its a demon that you have to fight and challenge on your own. What i would say is deal with the triggers, and try and get support from your mother.

[DazedandConfused254]

Originally Posted by Prycejosh1987

It sounds like you need support from your loved ones, its the reason why every time you are upset you mention anxiety. If i was your dad i would love you and help you in success against anxiety. But i am not, i think you may need to speak to your mother about your dads attitude.

Some things and issues in this life, are things and issues where you will not have support, even from family and friends. Its a demon that you have to fight and challenge on your own. What i would say is deal with the triggers, and try and get support from your mother.

Thanks for all the posts you have shared with me including this one. I think you are getting me on the right track, as discussing some of my innermost struggles with my folks is very intimidating. Especially when they react emotionally first instead of being practical, particularly true of my dad. I think my mom knows very well what can set my dad off or make him have an attitude. Part of the reason I spend more time during the day with my mom, so my day isn't wasted by fears of dad doing something out of his temper, like saying something offensive and such.

But even then both my parents tend to have their limits with how much I can talk with them, so that's why I can trust PC.

[Prycejosh1987]

If your parents are nice, then its not too much of a problem. The best thing to do, is put your parents in check when they lash out.