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Lunatyc
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Default Dec 14, 2020 at 02:47 AM
  #21
Mean thing's doesn't do it justice. He was down right disrespectful, machiavellian and abusive. I would never have put up with it, if it was not for the disarming powerful stigma I underwent from being in rehab as a teen. Still, I couldn't ignore him and I did fight back and stand up for myself. That's why we argued. I never looked at name calling as invading boundaries before.
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Default Dec 14, 2020 at 10:47 AM
  #22
Quote:
Mean thing's doesn't do it justice. He was down right disrespectful, machiavellian and abusive
People who are mean, disrespectful, and abusive do not have the ability to truely emotionally connect and respect others. They tend to carry anger and resentment that developed in their early childhood. They tend to have an emptyness inside them that they can't seem to fill. These individuals are typically mentally frozen or stuck due to some lack of nurturing that kept them from being able to have a more positive sense of self. However, sometimes that area of the brain is lacking in developement too. In other words it's similar to how someone is genetically short or tall or has a big nose or certain color hair. Or someone inherits ADHD or Dyslexia or is born on the autism spectrum.

Truth is, human beings have been studying and trying to understand the reasons for different human behaviors for a very long time. We want to understand ourselves and our human history and there are individuals who dedicate their entire lives to learning and understanding human nature. And as we dig into human history we learn that human beings can be very violent and cruel and intrusive and controlling and destructive and preditory.

Quote:
I would never have put up with it, if it was not for the disarming powerful stigma I underwent from being in rehab as a teen.
This is true and the reason for this is because you were experiencing an environment that disabled you from gaining a strong sense of self. And then when you experienced your teenage years you were also experiencing hormonal changes and that too can be a challenge as you were no longer a child and not yet an adult. And this is a challenging age where a teen can become so lost the teen can experience a desire to not exist. And some teens choose to run away even though they do not quite know how to survive on their own. Actually, suicide is an attempt to run from or escape. It's VERY IMPORTANT to understand when you reflect on that carefully that it doesn't mean you are a failure. Also, the stigma that you are talking about should not be given the power you are giving it. Stigmas are created do to fear and lack of understanding.

YES!! you would not have put up with that treatment you received had you been able to have more time to develop more self understanding and knowledge.

Quote:
Still, I couldn't ignore him and I did fight back and stand up for myself.
You were deciding to engage "fight" which means you decided to survive and self protect more.

Quote:
That's why we argued. I never looked at name calling as invading boundaries before
It's a way of trying to attack another person's self esteem in order to gain control over. It's also something a person uses to compensate for their lack of ability to handle problems in a more mature and healthier way. It's the other individual's form of self protection to their own ego.

People who behave like this are showing you WHAT THEY CANNOT DO. Believe them!! because if you don't you will end up fighting that same battle with yet another person that has the same problem.
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Default Dec 14, 2020 at 11:27 AM
  #23
Can I ask how old you are Lynatyc?
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Default Dec 15, 2020 at 12:28 PM
  #24
The only thing he was truly
Right about was that
I had terrible friends
When I met him.
My parents not far behind.
He knew I had
Nothing to fall back on,
And at the same time
He knew I was used
To picking myself up again
And dusting myself off.
It was second nature to me.
I did not depend on him.
I chose to move in with him.
I'll give him credit
Where it was due.
He realised how frustrating
It was for me to
Be stuck in a dead end job.
He was not
Fully conscious of
How hard hitting his
Moods and jokes were.
After work every day.
He would simmer down.
It was predictable,
And I learned how to cope with the routine.
I highlight all the bad times.
But I would not
Have stayed if I
Did not think there
Was a possibility
He would soften up or change.
I know I'm not an angel.
But I went off the
Rails as a teenager.
I can't be judged,
On one small snippet of my life.
I rebelled for a reason.
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Default Dec 15, 2020 at 01:15 PM
  #25
Lunatyk, how long has it been since you walked away from this individual? How long where you in a relationship with this individual?
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Default Dec 15, 2020 at 02:20 PM
  #26
I don't think the time scale matters.
To reach the truth,
And search the soul,
The journey should
Be left to unfold at it's own pace.
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Default Dec 15, 2020 at 03:01 PM
  #27
I can't breathe

I can't breathe, and I'm terrified of falling asleep
To meet the shadows that've been haunting my dreams
A reflection of all that I am for all to see
(Shed my skin, for all to see, shed my skin)

I want to drown my lungs in plastic
I want to fill this gaping hole
And when it all comes back to haunt me
I want the pain to take its toll

Another trophy for the hall of regrets
Another night to forget (Another night to forget)
Another consequence of actions repressed
Waking up in sweats

Mend me. Make me proud. Motivate me
Bend me. Break me down. Suffocate me
Take all of it. Take all of me

Shed my skin. Take me from my home
I give all I am. I give all I own
Shed my skin. Steal my heart again
Take from me my bones

Cast me down into the depths of depravity
Cast out to where the wanderers roam
Praised by the angels of tragedy
Loathed by the demons of hope

Take all of it, everything I own (everything I own)
Take all of it, come and steal my soul

Shed my skin. Take me from my home
I give all I am. I give all I own
Shed my skin. Steal my heart again
Take from me my bones
Take from me my bones
Take from me my bones
Take from me my bones

Take from me my bones
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Default Dec 15, 2020 at 03:09 PM
  #28
It actually does matter @Lunatyc because you are still reliving it. It’s very possible you may be struggling with ptsd. That is not a diagnosis but instead just my personal opinion of something you may be struggling with. I have this challenge myself and I think you deserve to heal instead of revisiting it so much.
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Default Dec 15, 2020 at 03:39 PM
  #29
Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
It actually does matter @Lunatyc because you are still reliving it. It’s very possible you may be struggling with ptsd. That is not a diagnosis but instead just my personal opinion of something you may be struggling with. I have this challenge myself and I think you deserve to heal instead of revisiting it so much.
I am going to scope out a counsellor while I wait for referral to see doctor at hospital. Even if it's on zoom video call. Hopefully they can give me some Cbt techniques to see me through in the meantime
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Default Dec 15, 2020 at 04:05 PM
  #30
The first two lines are just what I experienced myself. I too feared sleeping because I had bad dreams and I woke up very upset and often more exhausted then I felt before I slept.

It took time for me to understand why I was struggling so much. I can tell you are still living something you need to finally heal from instead of what you are doing.

You deserve to heal and allow yourself to finally walk away from this challenge. ❤️
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Default Dec 16, 2020 at 08:22 AM
  #31
I wish I could put it
Away in a drawer.
Relax and concentrate
On my fictional offering's.
But I see the pile
Of unopened debt letters
And I know that
I have no option
But to make a blog,
Make some revenue
From the advertising space.
And focus on the semi-autobiographical memoir centred on
Relationship with old flame
And the hospital stigma.
Only snippets of early memories.
Not to mention
I will be left on the
Shelf forever if,
I don't act soon after the vaccine rolls out.
I can't move my
Deadline any further forward.
If I were a terrible person
I would have published
Long before now.
I spent so long working
On this project so I could
Protect the ones I care about.
Now I must care for myself.
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Default Dec 17, 2020 at 03:52 AM
  #32
We would also have split
Up for good when
He said that he would not
Take a break or be friends as
He would always want more.
The reason was loud and clear.
That put sex off the table.
I grew up quickly
After being in rehab.
I went off the rails
But I had alway's
Been responsible and self sufficient.
I could let the hospital
Rob me of everything,
Or I could look
At it from a different perspective.
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Default Dec 31, 2020 at 10:28 AM
  #33
I have a more sophisticated taste in music than 30Seconds to Mars. Metal is an acquired taste. I listened to Grunge, Nu-Metal, Metallica, Iron Maiden, Sabbath and so on in my youth. I still listen and follow bands in similar veins to August Burns Red, Parkway Drive, Amity Affliction, Breakdown of Sanity, For the Fallen Dream's, Architect's, The Devil Wears Prada, the Dillinger Escape Plan, Periphery, Underoath and Mastodon.
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Default Dec 31, 2020 at 03:18 PM
  #34
The post beginning: I can't breathe
That is lyric's from a metal band named: make them suffer. On borrowed time.
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Default Jan 01, 2021 at 05:58 AM
  #35
For respect and my self-worth.
I can't separate them.
Resolving this in court of law,
Is the only inevitable conclusion.

Last edited by Lunatyc; Jan 01, 2021 at 07:53 AM..
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Default Jan 01, 2021 at 04:34 PM
  #36
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Originally Posted by Lunatyc View Post
For respect and my self-worth.
I can't separate them.
Resolving this in court of law,
Is the only inevitable conclusion.
What do you mean by "court of law"? Are you having to go to court with this ex?

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What if I fall? Oh, my dear, but what if you fly?

Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder
Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia.

Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien

Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less...
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Default Jan 11, 2021 at 05:23 PM
  #37
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Originally Posted by Lunatyc View Post
I have a vague premonition that a therapist will probably say I am doing perfectly well on my own. There are people who need therapy spots more than me. So I think when I have my appointment at B of D, I will say that I am planning to find a private therapist and I will join group therapy like my psychiatrist advised.
That is sad if a therapist is that way. I mean that attitude they sometimes have is sad and wrong imo. At least the shrink suggested some therapy, even if its group therapy. How would they know if someone is ''doing perfectly well on their own'' if they don't listen.

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