I just don't understand how to move on from the past&get my energy back from vampires

I did figure out more today too. They both eventually did the final nail in the coffin by attacking my feelings about them actually. My honestly feeling and caring about the relationship/them. So it made me feel very unloved - as a subconscious message.



And I viewed these people as more special to me than others. I was not focused on relationships before. And then they made me feel more involved emotionally. However, they had their own selfish goals with the relationship with me. The guy just wanted to use me emotionally and the girl wanted to use me to get money from me. It just makes it extra sad that I started to open up to such people. (I did not fully open up but it was still more than I should have.) So, they definitely made me feel more unloved than I ever did before. That was a big hit and it's part of why it's so slow for me to recover from this.

Also. They actually were very enmeshed with me on a level but that is not a compliment because 1) enmeshment isn't healthy 2) they were users, not actually caring about me. When I decided not to have the relationships on their own terms only, is when things went truly ****. But they were using me before that too. And I'm not a person who you can easily take advantage of.

And the guy additionally used spiritual teachings to justify his ****. That made it extra bad. Yes, I'm not joking, he actually did that to justify ****. And don't ask me why I didn't get more upset about that originally. I did but not enough apparently. The absurdity and horribleness of it only just hit me fully today.

Yes all these are very negative feelings.... But I just feel I need to face it all and feel truly that it's a mess that I can't even in my wildest dream think of "fixing". Move on fully!!!! Yeah.


If anyone is familiar with the bolded, please let me know. It would be great to be able to talk about it more.


PS: I felt I could write about all this in a more emotional language earlier but by the time I got here to post, I couldn't really anymore. But that's OK

PS2: And writing out all this I can think of positives again. Like the way I opened up to her, it's OK, I can still find other special ways to open up to others in a better relationship.

I guess I didn't understand what you meant by compulsive checking? Checking up on them, or more of a mental process for yourself?

It sounds like you partially accepted their blame towards you, and perhaps that's why you still struggle with it?

Ohhh totally a mental process, yeah, checking if I had some responsibility, benefit of the doubt towards them etc etc.... It's obviously completely at odds with the reality but when I am in this mindset I just don't seem to be in reality. I totally avoid the actual world when I am in this mindset and I don't do things, even important tasks or anything fun/joy.

So it's like inability to fully take in all the horribleness maybe so I can only do it bit by bit maybe



Is this familiar to you at all?



That's the weird thing because consciously I did not accept it but I think they said things over the years that just started to make me unsure and less oriented and it all accumulated eventually.

Or maybe I accepted it because (let's take the nonromantic relationship for the example) I was like supportive of her and thought she's just depressed or something. Things like that.

With the romantic one, they gave me a sob story near the end when I wanted them to be accountable, and I didn't really buy the story consciously but I think I was already in some disoriented haze or fog by then and subconsciously I probably absorbed it somehow. In fact I know I absorbed it because I responded in a nice way to it and then I responded in an even more nice way that was bordering on codependent even though I am not a codependent type. If that makes sense. And consciously I just didn't buy the story because it didn't really make sense, I didn't even process it rationally and I was more like ignoring it. And so the "codependent" thing/response I just totally blurted out, the most "codependent" one I totally blurted out of the blue. I didn't understand myself about that stuff. I still don't.

Also haze/fog: I know abusers create a kind of fog or mental confusion

But for me it was so subtle manipulation too, I'm starting to realise that he was likely using some mirroring technique almost like a "cold read" technique, does that make sense? Like he took whatever I said and modified it and threw it back at me and manipulate me that way.

And it's like, I was in a very upset state but he made it sound like oh maybe he's going to warm up to me again and then he manufactured my feeling "intimate" "open" and then I would respond in this way (and ignoring my actually very upset state, that's so absurd looking back to it!!) and then he would enjoy responding in a way that was going to hurt me in that state (even if it was manufactured it was somehow also real if that makes any sense). And where he started to look like oh he's maybe going to warm up again it was like an absurdly sudden and intense change too so definitely just like a fairy tale

So yeah I don't think I even discovered all of that, like the mirroring thing I only really realised recently rereading some skype talk we had (we did talk IRL too and I can't reread that other than what I happen to remember, but at least I can look at skype talks and texts). And I only really realised it because I ran into someone else who was utilising the same tactics (much later). And I started getting suspicious reviewing their way of communication with me and then I noticed the same technique with the guy from long ago (3 years).

OK so I don't know if you are familiar with manipulation techniques, I'm not very familiar with them unfortunately. This is in part thinking out loud too.


What I'd particularly like to understand is just exactly what feelings he manufactured in me, like, what I called a "codependent thing" but I'd like to be able to pinpoint it better/label it. Because if I can identify it then maybe I can process it and stop feeling it compulsively and in that intrusive way.

Sometimes people can turn codependent within an abusive relationship dynamic, even if they haven't been codependent before.

Abusers are master manipulators -- they will create that fog for you on purpose. They want you to doubt your perception of reality, they want you to doubt yourself and their goal is control and have power over you.

The key is to not let them make you doubt yourself OR your perceptions of reality. If you journal all that they did to you, you will see it all as manipulation, both subtle and overt. It takes having an independent mind and a strong mind to keep your own reality in view and to not let their arguments or perspectives sway you. Abusers' perspectives are ALWAYS skewed.

Yeah, pretty much like that. I was definitely NOT being myself at all.

Yes. I've understood that intellectually a while ago. That this is what was going on. It's just hard to REALLY take it in if that makes sense. I tried this evening and it's like, it felt it was gonna be overwhelming literally my whole body so it's yeah not gonna be easy to go through this (I did back off when I got this perception of it)


I understand all that intellectually on a generic level. It's just really hard to really see what they exactly did even if I described the concrete details or read the texts, skype talks, etc. It only comes to me over time. It's slow like molasses.

If I could just take it in fully or something and see what exactly the manipulation steps were then I would not keep losing my normal sense of reality about all this ??

He also had this view of how women are so self-sacrificially altruistic and men aren't, LOL
He probably programmed others into doing that for him. (I do know of one case where he did but I don't know of a lot of details)

Sometimes it just takes time to process everything - and if it takes years, then it takes years. I am still reeling from a former abusive relationship before my marriage whereby I was hurt very very badly. It's taken me three years so far to heal from it and I am still not fully healed. He took a part of me and I haven't gotten it back yet.

I think if you step back from the details and look at the whole picture it will help. To see the person(s) as abusive and manipulative. To know that their actions were harmful to you and that it was not about love, true caring or respect. It was about power and control over you. That's what abusers are about - it's all about having power and control over others. Know that it was not your fault. You did not cause this. You did not deserve it. Be empowered by the fact that you did sever all contact because you knew it was harmful to you. Be glad that you've removed that from your life so that they cannot continue to harm you. You're going to be a stronger person for this experience.

I see....do you know what part of yourself he took away? How do you get it back?



I like your summary, thank you. Of course, I do already have this big picture but you kind of put it more emotionally with empathy for me. I am going to try and focus on all this big picture and not get swayed again and pulled back in my mind. I really feel I DO have a RESOLVE for this finally. I did process more last evening too and that I think helps too.

You won't believe this actually!! I went back to old facebook talks where I was trying to get him to take some responsibility or at least clear up things for me and give me closure. Err, at least???? It wouldn't have happened without him taking responsibility lol. So anyway, I finally understood the worst part of what he was saying. It always tripped me up before!!

Basically, he seemed so spiritual and that tripped me up before. Like, he did ACTUALLY get admitted to a buddhist university the same year as his ****up with me. I'm not joking. Things like that always bugged me still even if I tried to just tell myself that eh, it's just something he did on the side and doesn't mean anything. But he did do yoga too for a very long time and became a yoga teacher etc etc. A helpful person on the surface and so on.

So you can see how I was tripped up in all that. But I read the very last chat we had before I cut him off. And before we had that last chat he was already ********ting me with how he just expressed himself (when he shouldn't have!! Not keeping boundaries. Yes this was about cheating too, very serious cheating, serial cheater & the manipulation on top of it). So then I asked bc I knew he was so into this buddhist crap, I asked what system of principles he has that it can be compatible with that, THAT emotionally abusive behaviour.

And he linked this buddhist website to me and it talked about buddhist principles... and he emphasised the one called brahmacharya and it just said on that site that it's like having sex with a pure intention in the heart. And I didn't really pay attention to that back then, ... But I looked it all up now and it's SO IRONIC it's about sexual moderation and a proper loving relationship, for a SERIAL CHEATER ?!??! LOL

Anyway back then I didn't look it up, I just plain got stuck on how he noted it means that you should avoid sexual objectification..... I got at him immediately that he did objectify me and others like f*** and we got into an argument about it lol so we never went back to the buddhist principles.

And then ..... Discovering this, I'm like.... I finally see such a truly obvious lie, thank god. I mean I knew he lied anyway, but this was just really so obvious like he tried to lie to me about his attitude to sex when his attitude was already VERY clear to me about it loool.

I mean. Very simple lie. "I'm a serial cheater and I am justifying it to you with brahmacharya (sexual moderation, sex from pure intent from the heart, a pure relationship)."

(No joke. His idea was free expression from the pure heart or whatever LOL. No, he denied being into polyamory. Plus polyamory is straightforward, it's not cheating behind the back of your partner)

It just gives me such an objective grounding finally that I didn't have before. I had some but this gave me way MORE. I felt shock but I also felt relief and I got over the shock and I just feel relief but I also do feel some nausea and feeling like throwing up but that's also strangely relieving eventually

Also it's really sickening spiritual abuse - on top of the emotional abuse also involved here - because it's like he expected me to also believe that he was following this essence of this principle about seeing the soul rather than just the person in a relationship, and specifically in an emotionally balanced relationship. I know for a FACT that he saw anything about me but not my soul.


The end. Thanks for reading...

Where I say I know for a FACT that he did not see my soul, is because of how he TREATED me (and other women). And I mean, I was tryin to make sense of the emotional part beyond the sex part, I wanted to see if he still had some feelings after all, but since all the processing I've done in these 3 years since I cut him off, I did slowly discover how bad he really treated me emotionally. Which explained why I got such bad emotional and mental reactions from it and why it nearly fully destroyed me. So the processing for 3 years it wasn't a wasted time because I couldn't have seen the above either without it. If that makes sense. I just am glad that I can point to this lie, besides other lies, this one just really hits deep and really untangles s*** for me.

I really do also dislike how much he denied any wrongdoing too. Like it was all staring in the face, sex is a pretty objective act, even if I tried to explain away the emotional expressing of his, but he thought he can just CALMLY, FIRMLY and OPENLY deny it, it was so shocking I couldn't even believe it and I didn't take it in. But it's all of course making full sense by now.

Hi, I too have been through a very similar experience with a person who was sucking the energy out of me and I had to cut ties for my emotional energy. However, I do understand how replaying the past in the mind, can draw you back into the same experience and some guilt from removing yourself Ifrom the people who drained your energy. I, found that when this happens to me the way I cope is to send energy to those people explaining exactly why I left their lives. Somehow, this gives me peace in my heart and mind. Hope this helps and good luck.

Thanks for your post. I kinda had the impulse to do that before but if I did it for too long then it started to feel intrusive thinking of these people & deff not giving me peace

Yeah the guilt from who knows if you were judging wrong even when your energy is completely drained is lol and ridiculous and unnecessary and pointless

How did you cut emotional ties?

This is important to see. It sounds like you gave them more value then they actually deserved. You are still doing that without realizing it. You are still holding onto your own hurt feelings that were caused by two people who never had the capacity to respect your feelings in the first place.

Do you understand what an emotional vampire is? An emotional vampire is someone who constantly needs others to vent their emotional challenges to, they are not emotionally mature where they can resolve their emotional challenges on their own. This type of person is NOT going to appreciate you the way you think, in fact if you don't service THEIR need the way THEY want, you can most definitely expect that person to trash you and tell the world how awful you are.

It's often a person that chases this need to be "special" to make up for not feeling that way when they were a child. OR its a person who was treated like they were special who expects that same treatment from others as they tend to feel entitled. Both need their ego to take priority and neither will give you "genuine love". You know that saying "sheet floats"? Well, that's typically what gets to the top sadly.

If you have not moved on then there is something you need to learn from the experience you had with these two people. Part of your healing is recognizing your own part in this bad experience. From what you shared it sounds like you gave more of yourself than you should have to individuals that did not have the ability to appreciate you. If you are only wonderful when you are constantly servicing another's emotional needs then that's a red flag.

People often tell you who they are by what they say or share about themselves. My suggestion is BELIEVE them and don't think you can change them either. I think if you revisit what you experienced with these two individuals, you will see that they never really saw you but used you. Some people simply are not worth handing our heart to.

Thanks for your input. With some of it, I'm not sure if you read the whole thread though. I was not speaking of hurt feelings per se. I wish I was. And this whole thread is about trying to see what I'm missing about how it's taking so long to get past all of this issue, but some of it really is just it being a slow process.


Yeah that was a great summary. I didn't call them specifically emotional vampires, but one of these people was definitely a classic emotional vampire. And the other one was too in the sense that they used drama even if more subtle drama than the first person, to get their needs serviced lol. I really liked your phrasing there. Servicing needs is what they actually EXPECTED, yeah.

YES totally.

Well the thing is if I had seen it was about their emotional and other needs being serviced, I'd have not got into it. When I did see it finally was when I ran from it. And I've been trying to get past it all since then (3 years).

I don't really like to think of it as, "recognising my own part in the experience". I've tried to take enough responsibility already, clearly overdoing that, in too many ways. I prefer to view it instead as, simply recognising what I can learn and how to avoid such extremely bad experiences/people in future. Leaving my own "responsibility" out of it when viewing it this way. Because I've already had these toxic people try and put ALL the blame on me both in overt and subtle ways.

Well, actually responding to your first post made me think & realise that a BIG part with it taking so much time to heal and move on is that I still have had to undo all the subtle blame put on me. Actually that is something I am actively working on lately. Because, all the blame and gaslight, it ended up in me not even seeing that it all wasn't even my fault. And that's very dangerous to psychological and emotional health and makes moving on impossible. So yes it has to be fully recognised and through recognising this I can then fully take in that they really just tried to exploit me and it was not ME. None of it was me. So yeah, your last sentence. Definitely.

It has nothing to do with me wanting to change them, either. I don't really believe in people changing all that often. It truly is just them orchestrating things with gaslight and manipulation so that I would have a very hard time getting rid of the feeling that maybe it was something I did.... NO. It wasn't.

So again I appreciate your wanting to help but please when you see people talking about trauma then understand that it is not about "holding on to" "hurt feelings" and it is most decidedly not about what the abused and traumatised person's "responsibility" was in "letting it all happen".

That's emotionally bad input and not fitting the situation. Be please careful to not add further damage for such people. I am aware of what it is so you didn't cause damage to me, but if you see a similar situation for someone else, please remember this. Thanks.

Actually, as a person who also struggles with ptsd and is sensitive as you are, I understand what you are saying when you talk about not blaming the victim. What I said was not "consciously" realizing what you are holding onto.

When I say what part of this experience did you play, it's not about blaming you at all. Instead it's about how you got pulled into something that was unhealthy for you. We tend to hang onto things that ended up hurting us because there is something about the experience we still need to see for self preservation. Our emotions contribute to our self preservation more than we consciously realize.

I believe that you made an effort to be a "good" friend to both these individuals. Because of that you invested more into these two people than they deserved or had the ability to respect and appreciate. You ended up getting hurt and as soon as you set up your own emotional boundaries you got abandoned in some way.

I am sure both of these individuals had something about them that you liked. They also most likely responded positively to your effort to care about their needs too. They rewarded you and you thought they cared when they did that. THAT is the part you miss, that feeling that someone was appreciating your effort to care. We ALL like to be appreciated, it helps us feel positive about ourselves right? We can be so willing to engage that way that we don't see how our effort is not as valued as we think it is.

Now, you have said here that you can't change another person and the only one you can change is yourself right? Well, it's ok to continue to be a "nice/caring" person and to even feel good about helping others too. However, what you need to learn is how to recognize the signs that your efforts are not being respected and appreciated the way you really want, a way that is actually healthy for you.

By understanding how others may not really appreciate what you give them of yourself. What you miss is that period where you thought they did. It's important to understand how some individuals can be very charming and how they can pull you into their drama where you don't realize it's really ALL ABOUT THEM. You most likely miss the love bombing you got, the idea that you had value, yet, as soon as you had emotional boundaries of your own, what happened? That is not a relationship that you should ever re-engage. Instead it's more important to see it for what it really was so you don't fall into engaging in that kind of relationship again. Yes, sometimes we hand our heart to the wrong person and that's what you need to see in this experience that keeps nagging at you emotionally.

These individuals, like all individuals that are self centered never had the ability to appreciate you and your feelings and boundaries. Instead of respecting YOUR identity, you were supposed to cater to THEIR identity. This can go way back for a person who was raised to only have value when the parents got THEIR needs met.

These terms like emotional neglect and emotional abuse and emotional blackmail are all ways of describing what can happen to a child growing up where the parent or parents fail to realize their job as a parent is to help the child develop their OWN identity instead of constantly trying to control who or what that child can be. And that a parent is constantly deciding the value of the child, even in telling the child not to feel this or that. And then often parents are so busy with their own challenges and wants and needs that they fail to think about the child's needs. Sometimes without realizing it the parent actually teaches their child what to see as normal and that can lead that child down a very unhealthy road where they gravitate to the wrong people because something is familiar or someone is being nice to them only to use them.

There are times where a grievence can go back very far, a familar hurt that causes us to feel worse about a failed relationship than we consciously realize. Often a person is raised to believe they are supposed to love a parent or a sibling even when that parent or sibling isn't nice or may even be selfish. Even in religion often we are told to love thy neighbor even when thy neighbor is selfish and disrespects our boundaries. We are supposed to be good and love them anyway? Honor thy parents? Even if thy parents behave badly and are mean to each other and neglect our needs?

Growing up I watched my father be mean to my mother. And my mother would say "we have to accept people for the way they are". My father only saw something as important IF IT WAS IMPORTANT TO HIM. I remember my mother spending time to look beautiful when they went out and every single time when my mother came down the stairs my father ALWAYS found something to say to deflate her ego.

When I sit and read about narcissistic behaviors, there are so many things that I read that bring back memories of how my father treated my mother. A child has no idea what that means but THEY FEEL IT. That can cause that child to navigate their life thinking some of these behaviors are "normal" when they are instead unhealthy. Also, this can actually lead this child to gravitate to someone who is nice to them, but someone who is only being nice to them TO USE THEM.

The truth is that some people simply cannot SEE you no matter how nice you are as a person. The individual just want's an audience, a kind of fan club to service their fragile ego. You are permitted to be in their orbit as long as you are "useful" to them. What are the tells? Often a tell is "you don't make me feel good so I am discarding you". Then they will say "you did this and that when you should have done this instead", so they WANT to make sure you are left feeling you are not "good enough" and that is because this other person needed to have "all the power and attention". So, you were charmed and then discarded. You were only wonderful if you served and serviced, only given to so that you would serve. They say "I am special" otherwise I am angry. This you must believe.

This is why you feel your energy is sucked out of you. These type of individuals get good at sucking people into their drama. There was something you enjoyed, something that made you feel worthy somehow right? Well, you have to get "something" to keep you present right? They DO know this and they feed you just enough so you keep FEEDING THEM.

Hi @Alive99, my apologies for not replying to your last reply to me. This week has been lost on me (due to my own emotional pain and healing process from abuse, etc).

My abusive husband kept trying to blame HIS infidelity on ME because I called the police on him one night. Well, WHY did I call the police? Because HE was screaming at ME, I got scared of him so I called 911. So, he twists around the entire situation to be MY doing... when I was reacting to HIS ABUSE towards me.

Abusers will always try to put blame on you for their bad behavior. They just cannot handle taking ownership of what they do that is harmful to others. Why is that? Because they have such feeble egos, that their weak and meagre ego cannot take it. So they deflect, deflect deflect onto their victims.

And what's so hard is to NOT allow the blame... to NOT absorb it, and to send it right back in their direction. A responsible, caring and introspective person will think, huh, maybe I DID do something wrong, and that's why they're behaving so poorly towards me.

However, the KEY thing here is this: We are never responsible for someone else's behavior. We are responsible for our own behavior only - and same goes for every other person. Even if someone is angry, hurt, disappointed, enraged, upset, etc with us, they can handle their upset in a MATURE and ADULT like manner. And that means explaining to someone in a calm manner - I am hurt or disappointed by you, etc. And then discussing it openly, calmly and maturely. That's what healthy communication looks like.

Abusers and toxic people do not handle their emotions in a healthy, mature and adult-like manner. Instead, they act out their emotions in hurtful and harmful ways. This is a very dysfunctional way of being and of existing in this world - it's a dysfunctional way of dealing in interpersonal relations. So they wreak havoc wherever they go.

I am probably not saying anything you don't already know. But for me, it helps me to think of things from this perspective and to reframe a situation in this way.

I hope you can find some amount of peace during this holiday season time.... you did nothing wrong. You are not to blame for others' poor behaviors, and you are not responsible for their poor treatment of you - just remember this.

Here's to our healing journey. Hugs to you.

Hey, no worries and thanks actually. I've been in that process to a LOT. I'll go check your thread soon.

Yup that's just crazy stuff.

I just think everyone has their blind spots where they don't notice this is happening. And other things where they instantly "send it back" without even having to think about it.

So working on the blind spots helps.

Yes, that is put really well, sure I know all this but I feel that is a good summary to put it that way, that we are not responsible for other people's behaviour. Thanks.

Thanks for this. I know it in theory but it helps actually hearing it too. Hugs to you too! And yeah keep going with your recovery.

hey @Open Eyes, I only read your 3 posts now. I'll respond to the last one first because it was emotionally very ...affecting me.

I really really want to say that it's not true with trauma. Trauma is about about failure to integrate the experience and the emotions. It's NOT about holding onto normal hurts. If therapists told you that then they did not really experience trauma. And where you say that the abuse was embarrassing, I would say NO!, it's only an embarrassment to the abuser at best lol, it's NOT an embarrassment to the abused.

You wrote a lot about your sister. And I could relate a lot there. Alot and then when you got to the point where you said people tell you all the time that you are just holding onto hurt feelings I got upset and angry like how can people tell anyone that. To me it's just like, if you loved someone that much, it's just going to be like that, how can you even expect yourself to just go decide and kill that love ???? : ((

I mean I have tried to do that and it's just CRUEL having to try to do it.

I don't care if anyone calls that holding onto hurts!! On top of dealing with the whole trauma experience!!

Sorry. I have to calm down and think more about all of this. Alot of your thoughts there I have had myself. I also felt angry yes, I just don't know at who or what. Angry at the person I used to know and who damaged me so much? Angry at the world for being just like that?


EDIT: And yes there is such a thing as trauma bond. But I'm not even talking about trauma bond (that's bad though), I'm talking about what I (or you) felt for the person before the horribleness started. I knew them before it went all so bad. It actually is true in both cases, both people I mentioned.

And I don't want to like, invalidate or humiliate those feelings, how I felt, myself for feeling/having felt them. IT'S FINE. Fine that I felt them.

It's extra sad if others then all try to just help and be well-meaning and then just actually try and invalidate and humiliate the feelings.



EDIT2: I saw you deleted the third post now. I hope you don't mind me having responded to it ? let me know.