Need support through leaving my abusive husband, please

I also wrote this, in following the above texts:

I know you’ll move on fast to someone else. Because that’s what a narcissist does. It’s called narcissistic supply. You cannot live without someone constantly stroking your fragile ego and fawning over you, thinking and telling you how incredibly awesome you are. Get over yourself and grow the **** up. Go to therapy and face the fact that you have narcissistic personality disorder. And that you’re going to **** up any relationship in the future because you’re severely abusive and a narcissist. Your parents did you a HUGE disservice. Your father is abusive and your mother over indulged you. But you’ll never admit to this and you’ll never get help. And you will end up alone in the end. I will find a healthy relationship. Good luck!!!

Ok - I lost it again on him.

All he said to me was that he agreed with the divorce, and that he doesn't want to be married now to me either.

What got to me was the very quick turnaround in his thinking - he went from begging and pleading in the morning, to I don't want to be married to you either by the afternoon.

So I went bananas on him.

WHY? WHY did this get to me SO much? WHY did this upset me SO much? I am not asking for answers - I am asking myself.

It felt like I got the narcissistic discard all of a sudden, and it hurt me - maybe that was his intention once again - to hurt me? I feel like that's the real truth of the matter. That he said this in order to hurt me further.

I am NOT happy with how I reacted. I basically went ballistic on him all over again.

The feeling of the break up was one’s fault or mutual, all the rehashing of the fight, is an instinctual thing to want to do for closure.
In a divorce- ‘I am done with you and how you feel is irrelevant’ That says is honestly all there is to it. Divorce is cold and sometimes cruel.

One of you has to file for divorce. If you already gave a deposit to a lawyer, you should just file. Then he has to respond and will use his own lawyer. You do not care at that point about how, why, when, what he does.

We are supposed to file jointly. I believe. And I don't think my $500 legal fee covers filing for divorce. It covers negotiating points in the divorce agreement only. I can ask my lawyer if we can file for divorce, I suppose - it can't hurt right?

I think you should file before him and have separate lawyers. He will manipulate everyone, not just you.

I just asked my lawyer if my fee can include filing for divorce too.

We do have separate lawyers now. I finally hired one. YAY!

It's New Years Eve day - I recall last year on this day my husband and I had a HUGE fight. It almost ruined the new year for us. We made up at like 10 PM and hung out celebrating for a couple hours. He always managed to ruin practically every holiday and family gathering for me.

This eve, I will go to my parents' home for a couple hours to hang out. I have no one to celebrate with tonight except for myself. I am going to make the best of it though. Party of one coming up! LOL.

He said that he doesn’t want to be married not because he changed his thinking but because he wanted you to hurt and because he is manipulative. He knew that if he says it to you, you’ll get upset and will continue this marathon. And maybe he even hoped that it would make you want his attention because you feel rejected. It made him feel good. He doesn’t tell you want he thinks, he tells you things that get a reaction and lead to a desirable outcome for him

It’s like you still buying things he is telling you

You're right - I am STILL buying into some things he says. What is wrong with me? Why can't I look at him and everything he says now with total skepticism? It's engrained in me or something to believe him.

That sounds like a very good summary of what actually occurred. My gut feeling says it was another attempt at manipulation - I need to trust my gut!

Luckily, I gave him the opposite reaction than probably what he wanted from me. LOL. Even though I DID get upset, I also told him that I am FAR happier now without him, that I wasted the last 3 years of my life with him, and that he dragged me down in every way.

Probably not what he expected to hear.

Good point that you fought almost every single holiday. Your holidays were often ruined because of it. It might be a good change, not to have to fight on holidays

My husband works on New Years Eve and covid is too rampant here so I’d not be going anywhere. I’ll be home alone too. Well I am not big on celebrating New Years because I fall asleep before midnight no matter how much I try!

Enjoy your time without fighting, plenty of enjoyable things to do.

YES - that's another bonus and benefit that I must add to my list of what I don't have to deal with anymore.

I am middle of the road on new years. I've spent many new years eve at a concert with a boyfriend/partner and friends. I've also stayed home for a low key night in.

This year is a first in that I will be alone. I do not recall being alone on new years eve in a very long time.

It's just the way it is right now - I am alone, I am forced to be alone, and perhaps there's something good that can come of it - like learning to be by myself and be OK with it.

Learning to be alone is a good lesson. No matter how life plays out, any of us can be alone at any time. Knowing how to be alone and enjoy it, is important skill.

Very important - it's kind of ironic to me that now I am forced to learn how to be alone with myself - between covid, unemployment and a divorce. I have typically flitted from one relationship to the next, with very little time in between, like just a few months. I think I was alone for 8 months once, and that was the longest stretch I had gone without a relationship. This time will be very different.

Your last post made me think you entered some questionable relationships because you didn’t want to be alone or were bored, not because they were so great. I remember sometimes dating because I was bored or didn’t want to be alone, not because I even wanted a relationship. I remember when I was very busy, I’d not consider dating because I didn’t have idle time. I know now people have too much idle time because many activities are suspended. I hope job prospects will resurface soon.

Oh, that's exactly accurate about me - I have usually entered into a relationship because I have not had enough going on in my life and then I'm very lonely so a man has filled that void that I should be filling for myself!

So NOW, I wish to build or rebuild my life in a way that is far more fulfilling for me. I want to fill my life up with friends, with music events, physical activities and hobbies and interests.. of course, once covid passes and once life normalizes again.

For the first time perhaps ever I feel equipped to go solo and to build my life as I want it to be.

I don't know what brought me to this particular place mentally and perhaps it's after EIGHT abusive relationships!!! LOL.

And perhaps I'm a lot stronger now and can truly stand on my own two feet without a man being around. Perhaps it's age, wisdom, experience and maturity that has finally brought me to this place.

I think in the past I used to feel far more insecure if I did not have a partner. It's HARD going out alone by yourself into a crowd of people where SO many are coupled up. And that's what I used to do. But now? Eh. Who cares if I am alone!

Now I feel somewhat GUILTY for telling my husband I am FAR happier without him AND that he dragged me down in every way. While it's the TRUTH, it was hurtful of me. I do not like being hurtful, yet he brings it out in me or provokes me and I say hurtful things in reply. I feel hurt by HIM, so I turn around and hurt him back.

This is most toxic.

I can understand that, I’m not sure how much you’re actually hurting him though, rather than providing “kibbles” of attention - he doesn’t think the same way as you do. All attention is good, even the negative, for most narcs if not all of them.
A healthy goal here would be to eventually reach indifference.

Excellent point! I keep thinking he thinks like I do - I have to get it into my thick skull that he's wired completely differently than me!!!

Sometimes the TRUTH needs to be said about how we feel whether it hurts or not. It would be something to feel guilty about If that was NOT how you truly felt but said it to only be hurtful.

I believe in bad relationships where we want out & the other person is trying to CLING ON that hurtful is sometimes necessary.. it doesn't necessarily mean toxic.....sometimes it is the only way to cut THEIR TIES & make it final.....this can be in marriage or just friendships that need to be ended. But we have to cut communications at that point too. I just don't mess around with people I don't want in my life any more. I take a stand so they don't wonder about my thoughts....then I end the communication or friendship & if on social media, block if it becomes necessary. I have no tolerance for other people crap any more. Used to just let it slide & ignore. Now I take actions & remove. Yes, age, wisdom....& a lot of self-confidence

Thank you.

I did not say it to be hurtful in fact. I said it to be honest and forthcoming with him on how I truly feel.

I like what you wrote here - maybe subconsciously it was MY way of telling him from a new angle that this is truly over between us - that he made me unhappy and that I am far happier without him.

I don't have time for people's crap either. I am far too old for this.