Need support through leaving my abusive husband, please

We are conditioned to feel guilty. I feel guilty over things quite often.

In case of your husband I’d not worry about him feeling hurt. His way of dealing with hurt over police (supposedly) being called was immediately get another woman. He likely will do the same now. He endeared you to him but telling you how he was abused by his ex. He likely will tell women that he ran and escaped your abuse. He’d be on a look out for next victim soon if isn’t already. I doubt he is crying being hurt. He is too busy figuring out his next move and building a narrative.

Thanks @divine1966.

I'm sure you're right. I feel guilty because I'm nice. But you're right - I shouldn't feel too guilty, and all I said was the truth to him.

Feeling guilty is very normal.

Yes, I suppose it is!

On my abuse Facebook group, one woman told me that my husband is probably experiencing narcissistic injury because I am leaving and it hits his ego HARD. This woman told me to watch out now because once he truly accepts that it's over, he will do anything and everything to hurt me.

She knows because she too married a narcissist.

It's the new year, and I am still in the thick of a separation and pending divorce. I cannot file papers myself because it costs $250 more - money I do not have except for from the bank loan.

My husband has tried two angles so far to get me to delay the divorce - one angle was that he goes to therapy for the next several months, while we continue to live apart, and then eventually, he moves back in. I said no. The other angle was that we stay married for several more months so that he can continue paying my health insurance to help me out. I said no, and I will work on getting my own health insurance through the government.

No wonder he suddenly flipped and said "I don't want to be married to you either". He is just trying to hurt me. Unfortunately, it worked and I reacted.

I am really sick of all of this and cannot believe I still have to go through it for God knows how long.

I told him on no uncertain terms that he must have all his crap out of the apartment by the end of this month. He stored his crap in his ex wife's home FOR THREE YEARS AFTER they had separated!!! He was going to allow ME to KEEP HIS security deposit of $900 because I need the money and don't have the money to pay him. So yesterday I told him keep your $900 because you'll need it to hire movers by the end of the month.

All I can say is HE BETTER hire movers and he better get all his stuff out of here as agreed upon by Jan 31. I will be beyond livid if he tries to drag this out any further.

After paying his deposit back to him, now I have no savings of my own left and I have only the 14K bank loan to rely on within my savings.

This is dire straights.

I need the stimulus package to pass soon so I can receive extra unemployment benefits. I won't qualify for the stimulus check, unfortunately. But still, I need a job ASAP. I need my problems to be resolved ASAP. I cannot live off this bank loan and I really cannot go deep into debt.

I am really scared.

I hope you press for a full explanation for what to expect from your lawyer. You have a sister who is a lawyer. You got this!

If you are thinking he will file first when he doesn’t want the divorce you are likely kidding yourself.

You are separated now. The emotional rehashing happening is separate from the legal process of getting divorced. I really want to stress this importance to you and now I’ll bow out.

@TishaBuv, I had proposed to him that we file jointly because it's cheapest. I know he won't file on his own.

Not sure what you mean by your last two sentences? Yes, it is separate from the legal process of divorce logistically, but emotionally, it's all a part of the same process for me. You seem frustrated and I don't understand why?

Why wouldn’t you qualify for stimulus check? Did you two make more than 150k adjusted gross income? Even if you made more you qualify for reduced stimulus. If you truly make that much how is it possible you have no savings? Where did the money go? I hope it didn’t go into anything that he could take a hold of it, like retirement funds.

Why did you give him deposit back before divorce even started? He lives in someone else’s place what does he need it for? You didn’t file for divorce yet so don’t give him any money please. Plus doesn’t he still owe you money? Did he pay his half for wedding and honeymoon or whatever other expenses?

You got to file for divorce. Like on Monday. Start looking for a cheaper place. Start very active job search like all day every day and perhaps start looking for out of state too.

You’ll have to use bank loan. It’s not that much money. You could pay it back.

Thanks, divine.

We collectively made more than 150K last year. If we get a reduced check, that will help. Please remember that I have been unemployed since July. I have had to use my savings to meet my monthly expenses, to pay a lawyer AND to give him his deposit back. Now I just have the bank loan.

I gave him his deposit back so that he has NO excuse to not hire movers by the end of this month. I know him very well, and he would turn it around on ME saying that he has no money for movers because he gave that $900 to me. I want his stuff gone, so it's worthwhile to me to suck up the $900 right now.

I think maybe tisha meant that you are saying or at least said before that you are divorcing or in a process of divorce or going through divorce. But if you didn’t file, you are not in a process of divorce at all. My ex husband and I lived apart separated for a year before we filed, we never said we are in a process of divorce or divorcing until we actually filed for divorce. Separation and divorce isn’t the same thing. Many people actually reconcile after separation. You aren’t divorcing your husband yet.

I’d not be negotiating with him. Unless you want to stay separated for awhile which is actually a valid option, I’d file for divorce

That is semantics - purely semantics and logistics. We ARE in the process of a divorce. His lawyer is drafting the divorce agreement right now. I have hired and paid a lawyer, who has spoken with his lawyer. We've been separated for one month. There is no going back. Why does it have to be you're not divorcing until someone files? Who cares? We are going through a divorce - and we will get a divorce. We are in the midst of a divorce. This is really silly to make a point of whether we are in the beginning, middle or end of a divorce.

It’s really mind boggling to me. If you two made that much money how can’t he not afford movers. I could afford movers on 50k. Everyone can afford movers. What’s going on. Maybe he needs to quit weed. Or whatever other BS that eats his pay check

Apartment deposit is given back when you are moving out. I doubt landlord would give partial deposit when one person is moving out? Don’t know. Never had that situation but able bodied man should have money for movers or should have a place to borrow it from or he shouldn't be getting married

So you gave him money out of your own bank account so he can move crap out. I hate this guy. He is still living off you and you don’t even have a job!

If you already hired a divorce lawyer and working on agreement, id say you are in the process.

I know, right? I also did it because one of his cats requires dental work that costs $1000, and I do NOT want to be the reason why the cat cannot have the work done. I just know that he will find SOME WAY to blame me and use the money against me IF I kept it.

He is officially moving out and is owed this deposit money. That's how it worked out with our landlord - I pay my husband his portion of the deposit and a roommate will pay me OR the landlord pays ME the full deposit when I move out.

Remember, my husband is a BIG spender. He doesn't know how to budget and he runs out of money before his next paycheck nearly every single month.

Well it’s his problem that he is a big spender. Not yours. He can borrow from his parents or brother to treat his cat. I feel bad for a cat but he needs to take care of it, not you. That’s how he lives his life. Goes from a woman to woman and they support him. Unbelievable.

I don’t judge being a spender. I am a spender. The difference is I am a spender of my own money!

What's done is done. I know he would find a way to blame ME for keeping his deposit money right now - and I don't wish to owe him a single cent. My part is done.

And yes, I told him he's a HUGE MOOCH the other day too. I told him he mooched off his parents until the age of THIRTY TWO, then he mooched off his ex wife, then the next woman and then ME.

I told him he used me for my good credit, and abused me. He's a moocher! And yes, he'll find some other poor woman to mooch off of next - but no healthy minded woman will stay with him for very long. That's my two cents.

He just tried to re-engage me in the fight by saying "I don't know why you felt the need to insult me after you had just told me you wanted to be cordial".

This was this morning.

This is also after he made the switch to telling me all of a sudden that he wants a divorce, too.

I avoided it and am proud of myself. All I said was "I don't want to get into this now". And left it at that.

F#%&@%$&^.

Screw the above post. He owed me a final $34 which I had to ask him for this morning - he owed it on a separate bank loan I had taken out FOR HIM. This was the remaining balance as of this morning.

Which then instigated texts back and forth. Now we're fighting again. He's accusing ME of having explosive anger. He's accusing ME of having a disorder. He's deflecting again and he's projecting again.

So what happens? We get into it more.

I finally just wrote this - yep, I've stooped to his level of immaturity.

I hate you. I absolutely cannot stand you. You thoroughly appall me and disgust me. You are a most despicable human being. Now goodbye.

Who cares if he blames you? Blames you to whom? Who even cares? Who is that entity that would be effected by his blaming you? Work place? Family? Who cares?

Do not give him any money! You just gave him 900 all while he still owes you money, at the very least you could subtract that amount. You took a bank loan for him too? Did you give him a check for 900 now or cash? If a check or money transfer or bank transfer, call your bank and ask to put a stop to it ASAP. You can stop that check right now

Just file for divorce and things like bank loan he owes you could be addressed with your lawyer. These things need to go through lawyers now including deposit you need to give back or money he owes you. Do not do any of these things now. Include this in divorce papers. No direct transactions. He could even claim you never gave him deposit back and 900 is just a gift from you. All of this must go through court orders at this point.