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Default Dec 15, 2020 at 03:18 PM
  #21
Is anyone out there? I think I am posting to myself, lol. Maybe this different thread was a bad idea? I don't know.

I proposed to him today that we file for divorce jointly, an uncontested no fault divorce. If we can agree on a few points that need to be written up in the divorce agreement, it can be uncontested. A contested divorce would be more expensive and would drag out for a longer time. I want this to end and quickly.. and for as little money as possible.

I may need to see him in person on Sunday - we're supposed to discuss the divorce details on that day, and he's coming to the apartment to pick up some things. I haven't seen him in like 3 weeks? I am concerned that he will try to argue me out of a divorce if I do see him. He has said several times now that I am not willing to try to fix things or get help. I could see him pulling a guilt trip on me for divorcing without getting professional help first.

I AM throwing in the towel. For me, the relationship has run its course and there's no point in seeing a professional together. All they would say is "you must separate".

I am incredibly sad today. It's not anguish and agony today - it's pure sadness.

The only bright spot is I ordered a beautiful Christmas tree from Amazon which should arrive today. That will bring some cheer into this empty home.

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Default Dec 15, 2020 at 06:14 PM
  #22
Uncontested divorce is always the best. There’s nothing to contest here as the only thing people contest is custody of children and property/major financial obligations, which isn’t the case here. Of course people could argue about forks and spoons but no lawyers want to get into petty stuff.

I’d try not to meet with him in person. No need to discuss divorce details in person. Over the phone is just fine imho
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Default Dec 16, 2020 at 04:36 AM
  #23
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
Uncontested divorce is always the best. There’s nothing to contest here as the only thing people contest is custody of children and property/major financial obligations, which isn’t the case here. Of course people could argue about forks and spoons but no lawyers want to get into petty stuff.

I’d try not to meet with him in person. No need to discuss divorce details in person. Over the phone is just fine imho
True. And thanks.

Yeah, I really don't know about meeting him in person right now. Since I am nervous and anxious about it, perhaps a discussion by phone (or even text) is better.

My abuse advocate would probably advocate for not seeing him in person, based on our safety plan.

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Last edited by Have Hope; Dec 16, 2020 at 05:58 AM..
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Default Dec 16, 2020 at 05:04 AM
  #24
In my list that I provided about what I no longer have to deal with from him?

He had made a comment a few times about how he is an Adonis - he would have his shirt off and would make the comparison of himself to Adonis. PUKE. He is overweight, he has a tire around his waist and a belly, and he thinks he looks like Adonis? Get real. SO narcissistic!!!!

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Default Dec 16, 2020 at 06:07 AM
  #25
SO... I think I have turned a corner!

I hope!!!

I feel SLIGHTLY better. I am no longer being ruled by my anger and rage, which was fueling me and propelling me to still engage with him and to confront him with the truth of the matter from my perspective.

I am now more fully accepting this divorce and the sad reality of the relationship ending - for the last 3 weeks, I think I was taking out all my pain on him over this needing to end now. Then it hit me yesterday that I must accept this new reality, which is I am divorcing him and I have chosen to leave him.

Once I realized this, I felt more empowered. It's MY choice. It's MY decision. And I am doing what is best and right FOR ME. And he cannot and will not be able to talk me out of it.

What I am dealing with now is REGRET - regret over not ending it far sooner and before we got married. I saw and knew of the abuse then.

As I had written previously though, I don't really believe in living with any regrets.

So how do I overcome my current regret?

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Default Dec 16, 2020 at 06:27 AM
  #26
Keeping a journal can help. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life after 31 years of verbal and physical abuse. xo I (also) regretted not leaving earlier, but I told myself that I did what I did....when I was able to.....I don't blame myself.....that is just useless.
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Default Dec 16, 2020 at 06:34 AM
  #27
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Keeping a journal can help. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life after 31 years of verbal and physical abuse. xo I (also) regretted not leaving earlier, but I told myself that I did what I did....when I was able to.....I don't blame myself.....that is just useless.
Thank you @Marie123.

I do keep a journal and write in it nearly every day now. I am also listening to lots of podcasts on the abusive relationship and specifically on narcissistic abuse, since that's what I suffered.

Someone (a woman) on my Facebook abuse group said this, and it resonates:

"Past you was doing her best, and was growing. Growing into the person she was meant to be, more confident, more willing to stand up for herself. She did what she could with the skills and knowledge she had then, and she tried to make the best of it. You are so brave for going through all of that. Past you would be so proud of present you for surviving all the bad days so far."

I also wanted the fairytale. I was 48, never been married, had 2-3 broken prior engagements and I really wanted to get married. He presented a version of the fairytale to me, and I didn't want (at the time) to ruin it.

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Default Dec 16, 2020 at 06:59 AM
  #28
The truth is:

I wanted my long awaited vacation. I made a conscious decision that I could not deal with a breakup back then - I could not face at the time another failed engagement and another massive let down on the heels of another broken engagement. I could not face the shame of the social buzz that would ensue - the shame of saying how ridiculously happy we were, and then having to suddenly break it off just days before the wedding. I could not face it back then.. I was not strong enough to handle it, so I pushed forward with the marriage.

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Last edited by Have Hope; Dec 16, 2020 at 07:16 AM..
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Default Dec 16, 2020 at 12:38 PM
  #29
I JUST bought my 1st concert tickets knowing that my husband won't be going with me - it's a concert in May. We'll see if it actually happens then due to covid, but I bought the tix now in case it sells out. It's a concert that normally my husband and I would attend together. This is SO weird. I asked a girlfriend to go instead.

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Default Dec 16, 2020 at 03:09 PM
  #30
This thread is not very hopping with activity. Maybe my OP was too long. I don't know.

I wish I could just get a little more support around all this.... I'm still struggling.

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Default Dec 16, 2020 at 03:41 PM
  #31
I think sometimes people might not know what to say if it’s not a specific question. Or might not want to say something to upset you further. It’s a delicate topic. I personally don’t want to say something wrong. I do like to give practical advice. When it’s warranted.
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Default Dec 16, 2020 at 03:48 PM
  #32
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
I think sometimes people might not know what to say if it’s not a specific question. Or might not want to say something to upset you further. It’s a delicate topic. I personally don’t want to say something wrong. I do like to give practical advice. When it’s warranted.
Thanks for your feedback! I've been wondering what it is... I don't think I get upset over people's posts too often, do I? You and I have always worked it out whenever we've butted heads.. as you know, I've always appreciated your own posts and help with all this!


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Last edited by Have Hope; Dec 16, 2020 at 04:14 PM..
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Default Dec 16, 2020 at 04:07 PM
  #33
Divorce sucks and there’s not much one can say to help it through.

Just got to get it done as fast as possible and move on. I’d spend as little time as possible talking to him or seeing him as there is no need to establish a new mode of communication or particular civility. Just get over with so to speak. You’ll feel better when it’s filed and you have a job.

I wonder what you said when he wanted to be compared to Adonis. I thought I heard it all. That’s a new low. Unless he was joking. If he was serious, I don’t find such vanity in men attractive. He is one weird dude
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Default Dec 16, 2020 at 04:23 PM
  #34
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Divorce sucks and there’s not much one can say to help it through.

Just got to get it done as fast as possible and move on. I’d spend as little time as possible talking to him or seeing him as there is no need to establish a new mode of communication or particular civility. Just get over with so to speak. You’ll feel better when it’s filed and you have a job.

I wonder what you said when he wanted to be compared to Adonis. I thought I heard it all. That’s a new low. Unless he was joking. If he was serious, I don’t find such vanity in men attractive. He is one weird dude
True enough......

Yes, all will be better once I am working and once the divorce is finalized. I hope.

I never replied to him when he compared himself to Adonis. I was too in shock. SInce he's said it several times, I don't think he was joking.

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Default Dec 16, 2020 at 05:59 PM
  #35
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True enough......

Yes, all will be better once I am working and once the divorce is finalized. I hope.

I never replied to him when he compared himself to Adonis. I was too in shock. SInce he's said it several times, I don't think he was joking.
You have a lot of restraint and patience. It would be hard not to laugh. Even if he looked like Greek God. Haha That's probably why he thought women should pay his way. Because he thinks he is so gorgeous and he thought it was so important. hahah

You put up with a lot of nonsense from him. Time for a new life
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Default Dec 16, 2020 at 07:18 PM
  #36
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You have a lot of restraint and patience. It would be hard not to laugh. Even if he looked like Greek God. Haha That's probably why he thought women should pay his way. Because he thinks he is so gorgeous and he thought it was so important. hahah

You put up with a lot of nonsense from him. Time for a new life
I wish I had laughed! He caught me by surprise each and every time.

I do need a new life!

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Default Dec 17, 2020 at 05:44 AM
  #37
I think I am coming to a place of greater self acceptance, self forgiveness and self compassion.

This is with regards to having made the decision to marry him despite knowing it was abuse. I knew days before the wedding - and faced a decision then. Then I faced a decision again on the morning of our wedding when he blew up at me again. I consciously made the decision both times to move forward with our plans.

I had been kicking myself all this time for having done that. I know I've written already about this, but it's very important to my recovery... forgiving myself for marrying him when I already knew there was abuse, that he is abusive and that it was going to be rocky.

I now realize that I wasn't in a place mentally or emotionally to handle a breakup right then and there. I could not face or allow another failed engagement. I did not wish to face the social fallout and I did not want to ruin our vacation plans or lose 7K of my money that I had committed.

But I KNEW - I knew and I saw it then. So I have to forgive myself for making a decision that has caused me more harm in the end. I have endured a LOT from him all this time. He has caused SO much stress for me and upset.

It took a year and a half to get to this point of being able to break it off with him - out of sheer necessity. I was pushed to a breaking point last July, and now again, in Nov. His infidelity may be a blessing in disguise - had he not done that, it's very possible I could have allowed him to talk me into staying longer and giving him more of a chance. Now there's NO chance.

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Default Dec 18, 2020 at 07:43 AM
  #38
My head and thoughts are still very focused on my husband. I have been anxious and concerned that he is now with that other woman, which bugs me to no end to think that he is. I know I know.... let her have him because he's a train wreck and will abuse her, too. I know this. It's just SO hard to be COMPLETELY ALONE myself, while thinking that he could be hooking up with HER now - before we're even divorced. I do not know if they are, but it's the thought and possibility which is killing me. And it HURTS.

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Last edited by Have Hope; Dec 18, 2020 at 08:15 AM..
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Default Dec 18, 2020 at 06:08 PM
  #39
Please....... people... please support me. I am alone in this.

He just tried telling me that I am the only one who has told him he treats women poorly - BS!

I fought back and it ended in an F you and F off on my end.

Like hell,

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Default Dec 18, 2020 at 08:04 PM
  #40
Oh of course he says you are the only one. He is full of it. What about him having all kinds of issues with ex. Please. Bet she had all the same issues. Plus who cares about other women?

Maybe he was too scared to treat them poorly or they’d stop paying for him.

I don’t really care how a man treated other women as long as he treats me the way it works for me.

Did he steal other women credit cards and charge without permission too?

Did he yell at them on his wedding day and demanded they buy him gifts and give him money for drugs? Did he use illegal drugs to get through his own wedding day with them too? Who cares how he treated who

Who cares how he treated other women and what they said about it. It’s irrelevant to you and your situation.
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