Need support through leaving my abusive husband, please

It's not my f;in fault - none of the abuse I've experienced in my life is my fault. I am a good person. I deserve far better. I am not a bad soul. I am a good soul. So WTF?

I cant believe you would be shamed in an abuse support group. I dont understand that.

@sarahsweets, Yes. AMAZING to me how women can quickly turn on one another, even in an abuse support group!

I spoke with a girlfriend last night whom I know through my music-loving crowd. We talked for 2 hours about the abuse I've experienced with my husband. At the end of our conversation, she sent me $200 via Venmo. I was sooo touched by her generosity and by the gesture. Normally I don't like to accept money from friends, but it was a gift, and honestly, I can use it right now to help pay for my cable bill next month. So I was really really touched by this. What a sweetheart!!!!!

I feel really sad and alone today. I am very blue.

Is he moving his stuff out? Can you go see your parents? Would that help?

Yeah I’m at my parents now. I hope it helps.

As about abuse forum and people shaming you, sadly some people just must tears others down. Plus some people project, big time.

There are women and men who can’t handle when others are being strong and gearing towards better life. Because too many endured life of abuse, infidelity and other poor treatment, they can’t handle it if others make a break through. They want them to be weak and incapable of change

They’ll go to great length with their advice to make sure others follow their lead and stick around abusers or continue life of misery. They just can’t handle it knowing that other people lead a better life.

I bet some of them even advice others to stay with abusers and cheaters because they did and now feel jealous others might actually have brighter future ahead. They hope by shaming you for reacting they’ll beat you down and you’d be just as miserable as them or maybe even stay with abusers.

I find it despicable but that’s a sad reality. Having said that, of course there are ton of truly supportive people and forums. One thing to suggest you try to not react (the way some of us did) and the other is to shame you for reaction to abuse.

You’re entitled to those feelings, though - very few people genuinely like being treated badly and he is behaving unreasonably towards you, on top of everything else he did.
Do you feel the Facebook group is more helpful or setting you back right now? It’s still your choice what to do, of course, but if you’re being shamed for being righteously angry (not “bitter” as some would put it - bitterness would mean you couldn’t be happy for other people. In any case, bitterness is an understandable response to being screwed over!), might be an idea to take a step back for a while.

That’s a great distinction Roxanne. Bitter people don’t want to see others happy. Being angry at the moment of being faced with abuse is something entirely different. As time will pass, anger will subside and person will move on. It’s just too fresh now. I wonder how helpful is that group as they seem to project a lot and have black and white kind of thinking

Thanks, everyone! I found other abuse groups join. That one particular was pretty catty and petty. I think some women definitely don't like seeing one of them being empowered to leave her abuser. And many were still trying with their husbands to get them to change, which doesn't work. And some women are just plain stuck due to finances or whatnot. But I did not get a great vibe there - hopefully other groups will be better.

On a few of the days after I've been drinking, I've missed him and experience abuse amnesia. I don't know what it is about alcohol or beer that does this to me the day after I've had a few drinks. It's very weird.

This happened to me last night as I went to bed. I was missing his presence in bed with me - then I woke up this morning and was so glad that I didn't have to deal with him holding me down and keeping me in bed longer than I want. It was always "just ten more minutes". "just five more minutes", as he would clutch me holding me down and back. I would lie there for HIS sake but I would be awake, wanting to get up to make my coffee.

It's SO nice to be able to get up when and if I wish to.

And on the days when I do experience abuse amnesia, I go to one of my abuse groups on Facebook and start reading the stories to be reminded. And I read my "sobriety list" of all abusive incidents I have experienced with him. This breaks the cognitive dissonance quite well and brings me right back to the cold harsh reality of his abuse.

And then I think of all his weak and lame excuses for his infidelity: "I wasn't myself", "you have NO idea what calling the police did to me", "I've never done something like that before in my whole life", "it was out of character".

SO weak and SO lame, not to mention ALL LIES.

I refuse to take the blame for it because I called the police! PLEASE. I called them because I was SCARED of him, But we continue to argue these points periodically. I duck out of the argument, telling him, "it's over. There's no point arguing these points anymore". And I try to exit the argument and conversation with, "Just STOP", and he does.

I am getting better at engaging less and less with him in these arguments. I give him one sentence replies, while he gives me paragraphs of his argument. And then I tell him "stop".

So, I am improving and progressing, which is good to see. I still fall down and I am still abusing alcohol, but less and less these days. When I drink too much, it really doesn't feel good the next day and I go through the abuse amnesia along with anxiety, so I am going to try and curb the amount of alcohol now.

I am not reacting well to him though. The other day when he completely ignored my questions for hours on end and was passive aggressive with me, I went ballistic.

I am not proud of myself for how I react sometimes out of anger, frustration and pain.

Today is a brand new day though. I can learn from my mistakes - that's all I can do. Is try to be better with each new day. It's like wiping the slate clean and starting over again. That's how I view it.

I'm having a mental breakdown now. Everything has gotten to me. I received yet another job rejection this morning - I cannot take any more of this crap - unemployment, covid, an abusive husband and a most difficult divorce.

I am going to lose it.

Hang in there

Thank you.

More sobbing from my husband.

It's just too hard. I try to stick to business items we need to discuss, and inevitably, the conversation turns into one about what happened in our relationship. He consistently tells me he misses me and loves me.

I broke down last night and admitted back to him that I've missed him too, telling him this has been hard on me. I caved, but I was also being honest. I have missed him, and especially last night I was. I was thinking back on funny incidents that occurred between us that had made us crack up hysterically. And I was missing the good parts of his personality that I enjoyed - he could always make me laugh. He's actually very funny and very entertaining at times.

That was the first time I had told him I've missed him. I also informed him that I am sad over this.

I know what this does - it gives him an opening to try and work his way back in. But I also coupled my statements with "let me be clear - I no longer want this relationship".

Now he tells me he cannot get me off of his mind and out of his heart - so what is he doing exactly? Is he trying to get me out through other women? That's all I can think of that he's doing right now. Of course he must be. I am not doing that myself. I have no interest, plus it's a pandemic. I will not be on any dating sites trying to meet men, or on any sex sites either for casual sex. For all I know, that's what he's doing right now and he probably is. This reality would have hurt me a few weeks back, but it's something I have to consider and accept at this point. I suppose if I'm truly honest with myself, it does hurt a bit that he would do this right now, but it's beyond my control. We all handle grief and loss and the ending of a relationship differently.

I wish we didn't have to be in such close touch right now, but we must. There's my health insurance, there's the car, there's moving and household details to cover.

He's calling a salesperson today at Honda to ask about a trade-in.

I don’t see why you must talk to this extend honestly. Not trying to be dense but what is there to discuss that often. You have to communicate of course but how often? Health insurance is just there and he pays for it until divorce is final. I don’t know what to discuss about it. Household items he needs to get out by hiring a moving service with those $900. Car, he has to take care of that. Not much to discuss. Are you fully honest with yourself as why you are talking to him so much.

How to you know if he is dating already? How stupid during pandemics and what woman would date him when he didn’t even pick up stuff from his wife’s place. He can’t afford to move his crap out but can afford to date? What a peach.

I don't know - he keeps texting me about the car, and he is texting me about the cable - we need to get the cable transferred to my name so we had to communicate yesterday about that. Cable company requires completed forms from both myself and him but he has to call the company to get the stupid forms first. The car, he was informing me of what he's doing to get my name off the lease. And household stuff - well, we're coordinating dates and times he can come by to move more stuff out. There's a lot going on. He asked me if he's paying for my health insurance next month. So we had to discuss that too.

IF he's dating now, he's insane.

I'm having a really hard day. My therapist left to another practice and I decided to not pursue therapy with him right now because I received a huge bill from the health organization that I cannot pay. I decided I will rely on my abuse advocate for counseling right now. And my best girlfriend is unavailable and out of town for the next two weeks. We talk every day, or we were talking every day. She was like my rock through this. And I am missing him today. I wish I weren't. I suppose it's going to naturally come up, but I don't want to miss him at all. He's wearing me down with his love bombing. I am lonely and feel very isolated. I feel weakened. This sucks.