Need support through leaving my abusive husband, please

Celibacy is hard right now. I miss intimacy. I miss kissing. And I miss sex. What sucks is that I miss these things with HIM. And I am disgusted with myself over it. But he's my last point of reference and for the last three years. I miss being held. He used to hold me tight at night and wrap himself around me, kissing me sweetly. I miss that.

This really blows. I hate that I miss him when I also despise and detest him. It's really only the sexual intimacy now that I miss.

Even in absence of divorce, if people move out they only have that many days to get their stuff. Whenever I moved, I moved my stuff the same day I’ve moved. Maybe I went back one more time if I forgot something and someone was still living there. I don’t know anyone who goes back 100 times for two months. It’s not normal. You honestly shouldn’t allow it. Not having money for movers was convenient excuse but that’s a lie. It’s not a valid excuse. He was given money to order movers but he spent it on drugs. I’d call police department and ask. I don’t like to be nasty to people but this isn’t acceptable or normal

I have given him two months and a deadline of Jan 31st. How else do I enforce it? I have been adamant with him, but I cannot force him to do a single thing.

Oh so he still has time. I thought deadline already passed. Never mind then. Two months is unusually long. But ok. At least he had dead line. Well you will enforce it on January 31st by asking police department to be present and if he doesn’t come his stuff goes outside.

You need to call them and ask about course of action if former tenant isn’t picking their stuff up. Then you tell landlord to change locks on February 1st because you now live alone and don’t want former tenants entering.

I know you want to be nice but being so nice and accommodating to these terrible men serves no purpose. How is it working out for you? It’s not. Time to stop being nice and get real. If he isn’t done by February 1st, his stuff goes on the curb side

PS he is possibly stalling because you still emotionally connected by contacting him and sharing your news and ask for his emotional support etc he likely thinks he doesn’t need to rush as he will be bringing it all back soon enough. Cut the ties and kick his stuff out

Thanks. I am being nice so that I can keep the expensive TVs and the keurig coffee maker plus other things he's left for me. I have a reason for playing nice. But it will only go so far. I don't see any need to involve police. That seems extreme.

Oh comn now, who cares about Keurig and tv. You got a job. And it’s well paid. I lived alone most of my life and never had an issue buying Keurigs or TVs or furniture and I work in public sector and don’t make anywhere near corporate salary. You can buy that stuff if he wants to take it with him, he is so petty that he might fight over keurig. It’s not a house or a fancy car. He holds coffee maker over your head. Ugh

Well I didn’t say make police report, they just come to witness taking stuff out so you can’t be accused, of course it is extreme and it’s better not to involve police but he stored stuff in his ex wife’s and his ex girlfriends houses for years. In fact he was already married to you and still had junk in ex wife’s house but he already had a girlfriend after her and before you. He never fully moves out leaving his stuff behind in women’s houses.

I think I am more livid about this man than you. Hahah you don’t need to do anything of course. It’s just ridiculous. Two months. I pray he is out soon

@divine1966, you're making me laugh. Though it's really not funny. I get it - and thanks for being pissed off on my behalf.

I will give him two more weeks or perhaps til mid Feb in the divorce agreement. I will come up with a creative way to enforce it without police.

He should be able to get his stuff before January 31st. And what’s he taking that takes two months to pack? I thought I have too much stuff

He had a lot more stuff than I thought. He also filled an entire room in the attic with all his belongings. He really needs movers. He claims he will call Monday about it.

I hope so! I’d be tempted to bag it up myself and send him the key to the storage locker I dumped it in! Mind you, he sounds like he drags his feet so much it might end up being sold to unsuspecting people in an episode of Storage Wars.

Hahahah this guy goes from place to place and drags so much stuff around.

LOL!

I AM tempted. That my be my incentive for him: get it out in two weeks or I am calling 1-800-JUNK.

Is this junk even like a valuable stuff? Like what could a person own that takes so much stuff. Both I and my husband have hobbies that are taking a lot of space. Like a lot. Think of crafting type of hobbies/making stuff . But even that goes into containers and could be moved easily. We also own a lot of books but are donating most of them now because we are switching to digital books. They aren’t hard to pack either. What does he own that takes space?

Clothes? Shoes? It’s easy to pack and take in few trips. And I have a lot of clothes. Dishes? Those hard to pack but he doesn’t even cook

Is he a hoarder? I don’t even judge. It’s really hard for hoarders to stop. My dad is mild form a hoarder. My brother and I are ripping our hair out but there is nothing we can do. It’s not uncommon

Well, he even has some of his baby toys in our attic space, so yes, perhaps he is a bit of a hoarder.

When we moved here, I had no idea he had so much stuff. He didn't inform me of how much he had stored at his ex wife's home.

It is far too much for one person to be carrying around with them from home to home. He needs an additional storage space.

You have to realize we're dealing with a very disordered and dysfunctional person. He is not organized, and he is not responsible. Sure, he has a job and a career, but otherwise he's dysfunctional.

I've never been in this situation before, so it's all new to me and I am finding my way through the dark, so to speak.

I had a nice conversation with him over the phone last Wednesday evening about my new job. I shared with him details about the position and my excitement and enthusiasm. I did not share any of the salary information, but I did talk to him for a little while.

It was so hard that night to be sitting home alone, celebrating my success by myself. I wanted to share it with him, the person with whom I have shared my life over the last three years, including all of my job woes and stresses.

And now, as a result of that conversation we are on better speaking terms, but he is interpreting it as a way back in. He bought me congratulatory flowers the next night and left them for me in my apartment. I wasn't present for him to actually hand them to me or give them to me in person. I am still trying to maintain some semblance of boundaries.

I suppose it's not a terrible thing if we are on better speaking terms. My rage over his infidelity has subsided considerably, but I do get angry whenever I feel he is trying to manipulate me. And I know that the flowers and all the niceties he is extending right now are all a part of the manipulation or his hoovering.

This is really freaking hard to figure out. It's hard to maintain a tough and firm stance with him of only discussing apartment, divorce or moving details.

I guess it's just not so black and white and there's some grey areas here, which makes sense since emotions can be contradictory and complex and since I have a myriad of emotions swirling around.

I am actually wondering if he and I could remain as friends - not close friends, distant friends. I've talked about on here my concerns about our local music scene and about seeing him at the smaller music venues when COVID passes and when things open up again. It will be SO uncomfortable and awful to have to avoid him at all costs. And I want to be able to go to all music events - I really don't want to avoid my scene, my larger social circle of friends, and him. A part of me cannot wrap my brain around being friends after all he's done. But then again, we could possibly given our nice conversation last week. I don't know. I know it's completely up to me to decide. After the news of my ex fiance, I do know this: I do not want to hold onto bitter feelings for years to come. I did that with my ex fiance, and I wasted a whole lot of precious energy and time doing so. Perhaps a part of my healing involves being on friendly terms with him now. I can still uphold boundaries. It's something I am considering at least.

Nothing wrong with that. It’s better than being awkward.

Being on good terms with exes is perfectly fine and doable. Plenty of people are on good terms with exes. It’s way better than being enemies.

I am not entirely sure about being actual friends though. We might have different definitions of friendship. Friends are invited to your home and you introduce them to your significant others and your family, and you talk to them and see them etc If you can’t really do that, especially if you can’t introduce them to your next significant other, and he won’t invite you to meet whoever he is dating, then it’s not actual friendship but more of a being on “good terms” or acquittances you are friendly with. You also have to consider your soon to be ex’s boundaries. He seems to have none. Especially because he is often intoxicated. So I’d be careful (he talked to your other ex about porn habits, I’d not be surprised if he talk stupid stuff to someone you might date in the future). Perhaps being polite and cordial is a better idea than real friendship

So I think you are referring to being “friendly”, rather than being “friends”.

@divine1966, thanks, and that's a big and important distinction. Yes, so I more so meant being on friendly terms vs. being enemies. I don't actually want a real friendship with him in the sense that you described. I cannot imagine having him meet a partner of mine and vise versa, and/or hanging out together at all. No. Definitely not.

Being on good terms is always the best, unless it’s too dangerous, which I don’t think it is.

I don't think it's dangerous either. But I have my guard up, I am aware of him trying to manipulate me, and I still need to enforce boundaries.