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Legendary
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Location: USA
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#41
I don’t have anything helpful to say, but hang in there!
__________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
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#42
Thanks @TishaBuv!
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Wise Elder
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Location: Eastern, USA
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#43
Quote:
I am sure that he abused his ex wife of 14 years. yet she doesn't yet realize it was abuse. She refuses to talk to me, he says. I am guessing that she is as toxic as he is, and that she blames herself for his abuse somehow - I don't think she realizes to this day that it was abuse, and that's why she refuses to speak with me about it, and that's why she is still in touch with him AND his family. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes Last edited by Have Hope; Dec 19, 2020 at 07:05 AM.. |
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#44
Quote:
How can you be sure? Did you live with them for 14 years? She doesn't notice the abuse? Abuse is a pretty big deal, she would notice, I bet... She is as toxic as him or is she a victim like you? It doesn't add up. I think you've lost your objectivity. |
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Wise Elder
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Location: Eastern, USA
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#45
Quote:
He's very good at turning the blame around and at making accusations to make it seem the other person is at fault. He claims his ex abused HIM. He claims she even hit him. I am betting that he's the one who hit her. All abusers try to accuse their partner of abuse when they're the one abusing. My husband tried to do that with me too. Hell, I just learned that he actually recorded me yelling at him the night I called the police. GREAT. He's probably showing it to his friends and family is my guess. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Wise Elder
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Location: Eastern, USA
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#46
He is begging again with me. We texted a bit last night and this morning. He says he wants to come home. He's begging for forgiveness.
I am not bending. I told him he's blown it with me. This is the time when abusers easily weasel their way back in - after the woman leaves and starts missing him and then starts blocking out the abusive aspects of the relationship because she misses the good parts. I've read about this being a very vulnerable time for a victim of abuse.. I am trying really hard to maintain the course and to not let him sway me. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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giddykitty
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#47
He recorded you? Great.
It doesn’t matter what happened in his marriage. He’ll likely tell people that you were abusive too. He now has recordings of it. I’d not give any thought on his ex marriage. Not relevant I think you both talking to each other right now opening up possibility of a very toxic cycle. Could you try to stop talking to him or it’s too hard? |
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giddykitty, Rose76
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Wise Elder
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Location: Eastern, USA
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#48
Quote:
Yes he recorded me!!! __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Wise Elder
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#49
His begging is making this harder. Much harder. Ugh. It's tugging on my heart strings... him saying he wants to "come home". I feel like I'm living in a movie. Except it's MY movie. So basically I've kicked him out of our home. I know he's regretful of his actions, but there is so much more. I could never trust him again. And he's abusive. How could I possibly continue in this relationship with him? Even if he were willing to get help, it's not going to change him. He needs like TEN years of individual therapy - PLUS, he's a narcissist, and he won't even know this OR realize this about himself. There's no point.
And yes, I suppose for a minute I've wondered if I'm doing the right thing. It's not easy when he begs and pleads with me, telling me how "profoundly" miserable he is without me. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes Last edited by Have Hope; Dec 19, 2020 at 02:54 PM.. |
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#50
Well while it appears as he is begging, he also remains kind of nasty and accusatory. He doesn’t accept responsibility and blames you for what happened.
I don’t see how it expect it to work? It can’t possibly work after all the nasty things said, police involved and things recorded and him courting other women. And it’s after only a year and half of marriage. That’s not normal or common at all to have that much drama that early on A lot of the things could be overcome in a relationships but I can’t imagine getting back together after all this. If getting back together is not possible I see no point in daily conversations and continuous fights. I also suspect that he has an agenda. If he was truly remorseful and truly begging he’d never blame you or continue aggravating you. He doesn’t have a plan B, like having a new woman secured or plan on how to leave on his terms so he wants back until he does have a plan. Then he’ll leave on his terms. I also wonder what’s he telling people. He left because how you behave and he has recordings. You promised to be good so he might return. He probably told his parents that. He’ll come back and aggravate you again until you blow up and he will have a proof that you are unstable I’d stop these talks with him. If he tends to record you, he is probably recording when you are cussing at him over the phone or yelling. I’d never trust him. |
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giddykitty, Have Hope
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#51
You are doing the right thing because this is NOT how a good marriage or relationship looks at all. And you likely know it.
Actually there is no right or wrong thing. It just whatever works for people. Is this working for you? Not imagining how things will change. But how things are now? Of course we can’t tell you not to get back with him but there will be more of the same |
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Wise Elder
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Location: Eastern, USA
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#52
Quote:
He probably DOES have an agenda and ulterior motive - I can't imagine someone wanting to come back after all that I've unloaded on him. Ugh - I do need to quit it. I can't seem to help myself sometimes. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,222
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#53
Quote:
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
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#54
I’m bored. I’m lonely. This SUCKS.
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Legendary Wise Elder
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Location: US
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#55
COVID makes life hard even if you didn’t have this situation. It’s temporary. It will go to normal
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
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#56
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Wise Elder
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#57
S, here it is. I am drinking more these days. A lot more. And after several drinks is when the texting starts on my part. I let him have it, after several days of silence. And it's getting me nowhere except to let out my anger and blow off steam.
Now he's saying that no other woman has told him he treats women poorly - BS. I once again told him he is abusive and an abuser, and he goes into denial, and says things like "and you are perfect?" It only just angers me more. When I point out his "insane anger and rage" he turns it around on me and says I am behaving with insane anger and rage. Then he points out that I am drinking more. And he says things like "who calls the police?" And you were inebriated - he recorded it. He has a comeback for everything I say, and it's all DEFLECTION. It's a vicious cycle. I wish I could tape my hands together whenever I feel like texting him after a few drinks. And now I am abusing alcohol in order to cope. Some days I feel I am coping better than on other days. And the fact of the matter is I am in withdrawal from our relationship. I text him when it's been several days of silence. It's almost like I want that connection, even if it's a negative interaction and even if it's to give him more hell, which he deserves. And I just LOVE how he admitted to all the abuse in July - and now he's backtracking. He's totally backtracking and is in denial of it all, which is infuriating to me. I know that trying to get an abuser to own up is like trying to get blood from a rock. I KNOW THIS already, but I keep trying to get him to own up, regardless. It's a wasted effort. I must see this. What's the freaking point? I did tell him that he hasn't lived up to what I expected in a husband or a marriage - and for that, I am glad. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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TishaBuv
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Legendary
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#58
What is it you need to hear from him, and what difference would it make in your decision to divorce him?
__________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Wise Elder
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#59
Quote:
It makes no difference in my decision to divorce him. I suppose I just want him to take responsibility for his abuse. He acknowledged it back in July when I faced him with a divorce then. Now he's backpedaling and is deflecting all responsibility onto me again, which is infuriating. I sent him a note this morning saying as much. I know it won't make a difference. But it felt good to say it to him, nonetheless. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Legendary
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,258
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9 1,879 hugs
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#60
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__________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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