Need support through leaving my abusive husband, please

Thanks, @TishaBuv. I want to file for an uncontested no fault divorce since it's the quickest and cheapest way. In a contested fault divorce, then the abuse would matter.

He claims he is willing to go to therapy to make this work. He would have to acknowledge his abuse and problems in order for therapy to even work.

But it's a moot point. He replied and still will not acknowledge it. He waters it all down to "verbal disagreements". BS.

He isn’t going to take a responsibility or agree with your assessment of what was wrong. He isn’t going to. He admitted things in July to get you off his back. Going by what you shared he believes that you both at fault how things got off hand. You can’t make him think otherwise.

And it doesn’t really matter what he thinks. People don’t need to agree on why relationship is wrong. They don’t even have to both agree that it is wrong. I left people who didn’t think relationship was wrong at all. But it was not right for me.

If you two were able to agree on things, you’d not be apart now and sure wouldn’t have as many fights. You don’t see things the same. And I don’t see why it would change now when you aren’t together?

What does your therapist say? How could you shift your focus to getting things in your own life under control: job, file for divorce, healthier life style? How to take those steps?

I do get it how frustrated you are. But maybe, I don’t know, lock your phone in a car or something to keep yourself from texting. If you send texts under influence, you might say something you’ll regret. And he is likely saves them all to use for whatever he wants to use them for. Not sure for what but af the very least to humiliate you

There is zero reason to have contested divorce. There is nothing to contest here. Even if you can prove abuse, what is being contested with no property, no assets, no kids, no money and a marriage was very short lived? That’s the only thing that people contest: custody, property and assets. I am not really understanding why contested divorce was being brought up at all. Maybe there is something I am missing. I’d not stress myself about it and would just go for typical no fault divorce.

Plus it’s extremely hard to prove abuse in absence of collected evidence. He is an ***** but that might not be enough for a proof

I suspect the fact of police being called might not be enough and he has recordings now that might play against you.

Honestly I’d just try to go for getting it over with so you can move on.

I know. You are correct. I have been talking to a brick wall for the last month.

I need to figure it out in therapy I suppose - what it is I truly seek and want at this point from him.

I am closer to hiring a lawyer now. I asked my ex to have his lawyer draft the divorce agreement and then I will have my own lawyer read it over and negotiate any points.

I know I will slow down on my drinking as soon as I am coping better. It's an unhealthy coping mechanism I lean on through the tough times... I am well aware of it being unhealthy. I am trying my best.

And yeah, I am sure he is saving my texts for whatever purpose and reason. But his family and friends do not matter to me, if he shares them with them. As long as he doesn't share them with anyone within our shared social circle - that's what matters to me.

He might share texts with friends if he finds out you told them about him being an abuser. I’d stop texting all together

I do not know the divorce process. I did not know what contested and uncontested divorce even means. I am learning.

Yes, but I have texts saved too - 40 of them!!! LOL.

I get it. I am just saying if you say anything questionable in these texts like calling him names or cussing at him and stuff he could say it “doesn’t look like I am an abuser” especially if texts are initiated by you.

I just want you to be careful

Thank you.

Unfortunately, it's too late - I've said it all. I've cursed him out and I've slammed him hard for what he's done. If he sends any of the texts iv'e sent to anyone, it will be obvious that he's been hurtful to me, though.

Online Divorce — File for Divorce Without a Lawyer Today (2020)

Lawyers aren’t necessarily even needed in some divorces. IDK anything about this company that I posted the link, but check it out. I like the idea, too, of his lawyer drawing up the papers, and yours approving it. There’s so little to negotiate; some furniture, debt?, the car will be put in his name and he will have to pay on it. Anything else to negotiate?

My mother used to say to me, “I’ll break your fingers off if you dial out”. This was when I was young and called boys, chasing them, ugh. She was only kidding about being violent, just the way she was. But, same idea for you. Tell yourself your fingers should fall off before you dial out again.

Also, no lawyer or judge will look at those texts. Only if they are threatening, police may intervene and Restraining Order. It doesn’t matter in your divorce. Maybe in one with custody issues, it may be used to show a parent’s instability. And, assume he will show those texts to your circle of friends... You’ll lose those friends if you and he draw them in to your issues.

Thanks, @TishaBuv.

He insists on having his lawyer, so that means I have to have one. He's got something up his sleeve.

The car he cannot place in his name - he is bankrupt with bad credit and has no one else who can co-sign for him. I could potentially take his car away once my car lease ends this coming summer. A lawyer advised me of doing so. I don't know yet - I need to get him to agree to pay for my health insurance, unless another stimulus package is passed and I get extra unemployment funds to cover it. Those are the two points for negotiation between the lawyers.

I will stop texting him. It's pointless now and I am only talking to a brick wall who continues to lie to me.

NO texts I sent were threatening. Just anger and rage. I don't think he will share them with our circle unless he is provoked to do so. No one I've told the truth to would tell him, oh she says you were abusive. That's not their style.

Yeah courts will not care about those especially if people are fighting after they already separated. It’s not uncommon to get nasty when emotions are raw.

Yeah, I am sure of that too. I haven't really said anything that's incriminating.

People CAN finance cars after bankruptcy. It’s harder but doable. Interest will be higher. Not every lender will go for it. But it’s not prohibitive. My husband had bankruptcy and he always leased a car. He was the only one working and had to commute so obviously he needed a car.

He could also buy used car. He could also look for other co-signers. He has family. He can live like other people live. I don’t buy his BS excuses. He doesn’t make enough so I have to cover for him. He can’t buy a car so I have to co sign. He can’t pay for things so I’ll pay for them. How do other people live? How do men live who don’t have a woman to carry him???

No more excuses. He is almost 50 years old, he needs to figure out his life like the rest of the world. He isn’t 22 right after college. If he is old enough to keep finding women he is old enough to live well without them carrying him. How he is getting a car shouldn’t be your concern. If he is in such a bad shape in life then he needs to fix his life first, not look for women. When I struggled, I worked two jobs and did bunch of side jobs and searched for better pay. I sure wasn’t dating or looking for a man. I had no time! He should devote his time to getting his act together. Not getting high or going to concerts or looking for women to screw. I can’t stand this guy and this kind of life style.

He’ll have to hustle like the rest of us. Don’t worry about how he will manage

One lawyer and my therapist think I should take his car once my car lease ends next summer. So I would simply take over his lease and take his car. Then he will have to figure out how to get a car on his own. I am leaning in this direction. I cannot carry two leases at once, but I can turn my car in once lease ends and take over his.

He can learn how to stand on his own two feet. OR find another woman to mooch off of. I don't care. He is a leech and a parasite.

Good plan.

Hey Have Hope. I did not read your thread yet but I saw you have this. But I noticed one post where you said you are sending angry and ragey texts to this abuser. Did I get that right, I think it's a bad idea honestly, they feed off of seeing you being emotionally affected. Just do not show that you are in any way affected by him, don't even show anger, just be all cold and calculating for your own self-protection when dealing with him. That's just my suggestion though

Good luck overall!!


PS Sorry, if you already are doing that and then it's just trivial advice of course

Ahhh I'm reading this too now. Yah nooo, that therapy thing is just hoovering. Don't fall for it. I agree with the other posts that it's pointless to discuss with him anymore about anything, sadly.





Nice crocodile tears of his. I understand now why you considered psychopathy for him in another post of yours. Bc of the emotional manipulation right? But it doesn't matter what he has, narcissism or worse, narcissism is already bad enough lol : /

What I wanted to say is that the advice you gave me about keeping my own sense of perception/reality vs the abuser's is very good and I think it includes not talking and taking in any more words or other info from the abuser again. (It will take time to sort out the already existing mess mentally and emotionally anyway so it would just be adding to the healing work in future)

So when I said go cold and unaffected in your behaviour with him (NO anger), yeah it actually includes this, that you only discuss the details of the divorce, or not even that. Your lawyer can discuss with his lawyer, job done

You don't even have to talk to him outside the courtroom *anymore*.

Because things like maybe he'll go to therapy, crocodile tears, everything, all that hoovering makes the cognitive dissonance worse obviously and creates too much empathy for him, but you know that anyway. And then that's why you start thinking about his ex wife etc etc and it's all just a dead-end because of the above.

With my abuser, I didn't let him do the hoovering actually, I burnt all bridges, I made sure of that, I (back then) felt that it would be so bad if I let him try and placate me, then I (in retrospect) felt he had it in him doing that so that he can attempt to keep me under his control and manipulations. Because I was angry at him before yet he let me be that and pretended to be nice again and so on but it was all just to weave his web further.

So yeah please don't even consider any more of his hoovering. Hope this helps with more people telling you



EDIT: Ahhh and yeah THAT niceness is what makes it extra hard to let go. It is so strange how that works.

Thanks @Alive99!

For the 1st month after discovering his infidelity (after promising. me he would NEVER EVER cheat on me) is when I lost it on him and gave him all my rage and anger. So I got it all out... and on him.

And yes, his idea of therapy is just lip service to keep me hooked and is hoovering. He has no intention of owning up to the abuse, and he's proven that to me through our conversations over the last month.

I think I've gotten it all out now. Now I just need to get a lawyer and get the divorce underway.

He still thinks I love him for some reason - he probably falsely believes this because I've been contacting him to let out my rage again and again. I do not love him anymore - far from it. I despise him.

But yeah, listening only to your own reasoning and logic and not listening to the abuser's skewed version of reality is best and helps to keep you sane and grounded.

It's great that you were able to quickly burn that bridge with your abuser. It's harder to in a marriage, when you've been living together, when your lives have been SO intertwined, and when one person is moving out. When you're married to an abuser, it's a whole different ball of wax and is more complicated to exit.

I wish I had been stronger than I have been about letting out all my rage. But I could not help myself. I think I am done - I hope I am done.

Today he tried to claim "I know you still love me".

So tonight I cleared that up. I told him "I no longer love you. My feelings have completely changed".

He wrote "thanks for driving that point home".

Important for him to realize that I don't love him.