Need support through leaving my abusive husband, please

He is hoovering me big time.

I know in my mind that it's pure manipulation, all lies and smoke screen. I know that he wouldn't TRULY change his ways. I know that if he sees a therapist, that he will simply manipulate the therapist and would find a way to blame ME or to place equal responsibility on ME for our fights, which he starts each and every time. I know that him wanting me back is simply so that he can maintain control over me. I know that he wants to be the one to leave me. I know that IF I went back, it would hurt even more than it has. And I know that he would set out to destroy me completely, while being able to leave on his terms. Right now, it's all on my terms, and he's probably suffering a narcissistic injury.

From one of. my abuse groups on Facebook:

"Ghosting a narcissist is a huge blow to their ego, one that causes a huge narcissistic injury and can potentially even lead to a narcissistic collapse (especially if they are struggling to line up replacement supply).

If you discard the narcissist and this catches them by surprise and in their view they are not ‘done' with you yet, expect them to give you the fight of your life to stay with them.

The narcissist needs to be the one doing the discarding, otherwise this inevitably causes them to accept their lack of control over you and lack of self-worth for being discarded. This forces them to see their ‘real-self' which is the vulnerable/ insecure person they spend their entire life running from.

You can expect the narcissist to try and reach out to you, and for all of the good things you ever saw in the narcissist to re-surface when they do. This is to confuse you and make you doubt your decision for leaving. Narcs are good at making you feel like you are letting go a part of yourself/ soul for leaving them. This is why it is important to cut ties and go no contact asap, otherwise they will try and reel you back in."

I was soooo excited last night about my job offer and SO happy, that I picked up the phone when my husband called to congratulate me. We talked and I told him about the job. I had been sad that I couldn't actually celebrate in person with him, but when he threw a pitch in to the conversation to get back together, I had to tell him once again, that my feelings towards him have changed. I wanted to tell him about my job though. This is SO hard. Harder than I ever could have imagined. I think it's only natural that I wanted to share my great news though.

I told him I cannot see him in person - he is coming over tonight to move more things, he asked if he could see me, and I said no.

Apparently, I am still not good at boundaries, but I am trying.

I thought you were going to wait to tell him, you’ll need to tell because of health insurance but he didn’t need to know now. He’s going to start asking you for money even more than now and you’d likely pay for him picking up his stuff. He isn’t in a hurry to get his stuff. Well he hopes to move right back in.

I told him because he can take me off his health insurance in a month, so I wanted him to know he only needs to pay for one more month for me.

Like I was saying above, I am not good at boundaries and definitely need to keep working at it. It was SO hard not to share the good news with him. I was beaming with joy and I was all alone in my apartment, celebrating by my lonesome self - not fun. All I wanted was for him to be here to celebrate with me. I think my feelings are conflicted. Maybe I still care for him. I'm confused.

I'm not confused. I know what I want and what I don't want. And I don't want HIM. But I do want him sexually. I wish we could. I really want sex right now and am missing it badly. He's the one I've been sexual with for the last three years. I miss him in that way. I don't really miss him in too many other ways. I also miss just having someone to share good news with and to celebrate successes with. He wasn't even very good at that. He would make it about himself somehow.

I feel very alone. No matter how many friends I speak with, I am still alone. I hope that once I start my job, these feelings will ease up. I'm also really missing my best girlfriend who is on a trip right now and is out of touch. We haven't spoken much in two weeks. I've become very dependent on our talks in the mornings. Soon enough, that will all change when I am working though.

He left me congratulatory flowers in my apartment tonight.

He is doubling his effort. He can’t manage to survive till the end of the month or get movers without asking your for money but he buys flowers. Be careful telling him your salary, he’ll shower you with gifts (probably asking you to lend him money to pay for said gifts) in hopes to get back in. The guy is smart. He knows what’s he doing. Of course there is no crime to get back with him but sadly it won’t be long before drama will start again. Just be careful

Yes - I know, and you're correct. He's trying to weasel his way back in. He's probably wooing other women at the same time, I am sure.

I will not get back together with him. I have got to remain steadfast and strong. Yes, admittedly he is able to pull on my heartstrings a bit, but then I snap back to reality and know that it's all manipulation and is not real.

I have not told him my salary and definitely will not be telling him, though I think it may become known through the divorce paperwork.

Speaking of gifts - He convinced me on our honeymoon to buy an $1,100 pair of diamond and gemstone earrings on credit. They're gorgeous. He wanted me to have a keepsake from our honeymoon, so I opened a credit card and bought them. And guess what? I paid most of it off, despite that we were supposed to split the cost equally. He contributed maybe $300-400 in total; I paid off the rest. I admit that it's in part my fault. I got tired of asking him for $100 every month, and often times, I knew he couldn't pay me the $100. So I basically bought the earrings.

It's the one pair of earrings that I bought with him that I will wear. I refuse to wear any of the other jewelry he bought me on his own credit. At least not now.

Yeah well it’s not a gift.

Gift would be he bought something he could afford and paid whatever it costs (if he could only afford 25 bucks that’s what he had to buy and it would be an honest memorable gift) and he gave it to you.

He makes zero sense convincing you to buy something for yourself even if he paid for some of it. In the very worst case scenario he borrowed money from someone to buy you stuff but not borrow from you to buy for you. Especially something very expensive and something he can’t afford to buy.

His “gift” giving makes no sense. These aren’t gifts. Even buying you flowers is stupid if he asks you to cover him every month. I’ve met people in variety of financial situations but I’ve never heard anyone doing anything of the sorts. He has no shame

You are way too nice. When is he moving stuff out

I know I am too nice.

You're right - he has NO shame. And you're correct - he makes no sense. He likes to live life large, as though he is still extremely wealthy. He does NOT live in reality. And he's not living in reality now with the status of our relationship.

The earrings were a gift for myself that I bought. He did not buy them. I never would have acquired a new credit card for myself to pay off an $1,100 pair of earrings, had he not convinced me, and had he not offered to split the cost. What a joke.

But I do love the earrings, and if I'm getting rid of all other diamond jewelry, it's nice to have this one piece of fine jewelry.

Thankfully, I can return to being frugal and smart with my finances and money. I aim to save for retirement - that's my main financial goal right now.

Well, that and I must move closer to work so that when I commute to the office eventually, it's an easy commute. I will save the money to move over the next several months, while putting away money in a 401K at work too. I also do not need a 2-bedroom apartment anymore. It's a waste of money.

He moved a whole bunch of his stuff out last night. There's still the entire attic space for him to clear out - that will take many separate trips.

No need to get rid of jewelry. It would only make sense if you couldn’t pay bills. Otherwise I’d keep stuff. I have a lot of jewelry from significant other I had before my husband. I had no reason to get rid of it. It’s just stuff.

I liked to have two bedrooms when lived alone. Office/hobby room/guest room. Plus I have too much clothes lol I need all the closets I can have hahah

Well, I will sell the engagement ring and my wedding rings. That's what I meant or what I was referring to. All other jewelry he gave me I will keep.

The apartment I am in now is very large for just one person. But it's also extremely cheap given the pricing of other local 2-bedroom apartments around here. I will probably spend the same amount of money on a 1-bedroom apartment. I do want to move closer to work to make my commute easier.

Moving closer is a good idea. I commute a long time and it is such a waste of time and energy. Oh yeah don’t need to keep wedding ring. I’d not be surprised if you paid for it yourself too. Hopefully it will all be done soon and you can get on with your life

I abhor long commutes and refuse to do them. So, yeah, I will save money over the next few months and then will move ASAP.

He actually bought my engagement ring and wedding rings.

But get this. Whenever we argue over who has spent more in this relationship, I always reference the fact that I alone paid 8K for our honeymoon and wedding and that he only spent $900 on our wedding rings. Then he tries to throw into the mix the fact that he spent 5K on my engagement ring. He tried to claim that that was our deal - he buy the engagement and wedding rings, and I pay for the honeymoon. WRONG! We didn't even talk about our honeymoon until several months after we got engaged. He bought my engagement ring as a gift! And it was NEVER a part of our financial arrangement or agreement. He's such a LIAR.

Men propose with a ring. So of course they buy it. It’s nothing to do with honeymoon or other financial arrangements. Why is he buying a ring for 5k if he is so broke. That’s unreasonable. I believe one should buy a ring that fits the budget. Some people upgrade later in life when they can afford a nicer ring. I’d sure sell it now

He bought my engagement ring with money he received from his first marriage. Go figure.

Yeah I hear you about commutes. I kind of have to. I work in a disadvantaged area by choice but I’d not live there. I live in a nice neighborhood so commuting is part of the deal. You absolutely don’t have to put up with commute if you can avoid it