Need support through leaving my abusive husband, please

You can try to change your attitude. Just say same thing with a song and dance: I am single now!!!!! woohoo! Awesomeness!

LOL - that's cute. Thanks! I will try!!!!

He called me crying this morning. His father is in the hospital again, and this time with heart pain. His father is elderly, disabled, fragile and is not well generally speaking. I have a heart. I said a prayer for his dad, as he requested and I just sent him a text to ask if there's any news. He started on our call to go down the path of talking about us, but I steered him back towards just talking about his father. Every time his father is in the hospital my husband is afraid he's going to die.

Narcs fear change, it doesn't mean he's afraid he's going to die.

I am sorry to hear about the father. How old is his father? I know we worry about our parents just the same but I’d say there might be a difference if he is 75 or 105. I’d say you could send get well card or call his mother or brother and express your concerns

Any news about divorce? He’s going to put that on hold because the father is sick now. Then there will be something else. He’ll want you to travel to a funeral with him. Since he has no money, he’d ask you to pay for a flight. Or lend him money if he flies alone.

This will never end. I wonder if he is even telling the truth.

His father is not in good shape generally speaking and is 85 years old. He's had pneumonia four times now and has been in and out of the hospital for that, for many falls, for infections and for sores on his legs. My husband legitimately worries he will die every time he's in the hospital, though my husband can also be very melodramatic too.

I am sure he wanted to play on my sympathies but was also very concerned and scared. His father it turns out will be ok and did not have a heart attack though one artery was 100% clogged.

I, too, thought that if he had to fly to Florida to see his parents that he would ask me for the money! I already anticipated that one - and maybe even would ask me to join him.

Yup. I knew it. I am on to him. I can smell it from thousands miles away and I don’t even know him

They need a laugh icon and button on here. LOL. Yep, you're good.

WOW - my lawyer is an ignorant a-hole. He waits until TODAY to send my husband my revised divorce agreement, just TWO days before Valentines Day. I am NOT happy about that. He is SO insensitive and ignorant. I had given him my revisions DAYS ago, yet he waits until NOW to send it along.

Awesome. Happy Valentines/Divorce to us! I'm being very sarcastic.

I don’t think he necessarily made that connection. He is sure not in a rush to get things done but I am not sure Valentine’s Day is even lawyer’s concern. How is he supposed to know? What if you have some other holidays that upset you, how can he possibly know? I don’t know, I am divorced, I don’t recall details but separating was a stressful time, Valentine’s Day was not on my mind, and I’d not expect lawyers to worry about it. Don’t let that bother you. Ton of people are in bad relationships yet have lavish celebrations. It doesn’t mean anything. Many people work on that day and now during covid not much can be done. Many are afraid to go out. And many in happy relationships don’t fuss about mundane things. I notice than worse the relationship, more emphasis is on a superficial.

It’s about time he starts the ball with this divorce rolling though. They sure milking it

It's a big deal to me - as you know, I am already depressed about this upcoming holiday. And to be going through a divorce around Valentines Day? It rips my heart out!!! To me it's the same as enduring an actual breakup ON Valentines Day. So for me It IS a very big deal. It hurts!

Oh dear Lord. My husband's father was rushed to the hospital again this morning. He doesn't know where he is, and he can't move at all. He had to be lifted out of his home.

No matter how awful my husband has been, matters of life and death trump everything. I said a prayer to please let him survive this .

My husband and I right now are on far better speaking terms... I helped him last week when his father had heart pains and had to go to the hospital. Then he helped me through my work issue on Friday and we talked on the phone for a long time.

I am not reconciling with him, but I do feel that we needed each other this last week, and it really helped both of us to deal with our respective stresses and issues.

I may have even forgiven him in my heart at this point. No, I am not going to change my mind, but I am really tired of fighting, I am tired of the negative energy between us, I am tired of all the drama and of slinging insults at each other. I cannot do it anymore. I just want peace in general. I do not have the emotional bandwidth for any more negativity.

I am so worried for him about his dad.

Wow - I think I got sucked in again.

Are you going back to him?

If it’s about his parents... reality is that you know his parents are getting older so it’s not something that will go away, then his mother would start getting more fragile. This could go on for years so he’ll be able to keep you hooked for awhile. Aging or sick parents is a reality. I am freaking out about my dad all the time and ge isn’t even sick and generally doing great but still I am freaking out, so it’s normal. He isn’t around them though so he is not involved in care giving. And even after covid slows down he’d not see them much because he just can’t afford it. He’d need your pay check for that. He’ll milk it for years to come

As about you leaning on him for support with your job. When you were married he wasn’t much of a support with anything like that, you often couldn’t even share much with him. So it will be back to square on as soon as you are back with him.

Thanks @divine1966.

NO - I am definitely not going back to him. That's not it. I felt ensnared into his family drama all over again. Perhaps "drama" is the wrong word - I got ensnared and sucked into worrying about his dad's health all over again, worrying about whether he would live through yet another hospitalization and illness and then subsequently, worrying about my husband's well being as a result.

You're right - this will go on for a long time coming, and this could be another way for him to keep me hooked and attached.

I don't know how to disengage from these types of emergency life and death situations. I will have to figure out how to disentangle myself and create stronger boundaries. I cannot continue to be his go-to emotional support person forever. It has to end... perhaps as soon as we are officially divorced.

And yes, if I continue to be the main support, I know it's inevitable that he will ask me for money to fly down and visit his parents. I CANNOT be that person anymore - that's where I absolutely have got to draw the line.

I leaned on him about my work situation in a moment of desperation and sheer weakness.... I was a puddle and a total wreck on Friday. He was actually far more supportive than he normally has been, but it's probably all a part of his wooing act to stop me from divorcing him. ARGH.

More manipulation. I'm too soft hearted, too compassionate, and far too easily swayed into caring. When you're a nice person, it makes it all that much more difficult. It's not a part of my DNA or wiring to be cold and distant. I don't know how to be.

Well it’s not black and white, you make it sound like people who maintain boundaries are not nice and loving people but are cold and distant. I don’t think being nice means have no boundaries and having firmer boundaries makes one is not nice.

I see no need to be cold and distant when anyone (doesn’t matter if it’s soon to be ex or a neighbor) faces death or illness in the family. Expressing your condolences to him or feeling sad that his dad might die isn’t wrong. You just don’t need to be sucked into drama and manipulation though, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be compassionate or good person. One doesn’t exclude the other.

Also there is a happy medium somewhere in between, you alternate between fighting with him yelling the most vile words (for the good reason) and being loving and compassionate the next day spending hours on the phone with him. That’s kind of drama was taking place while you were married, a lot, vicious fights alternating with loveydovey stuff. Now when you are in a process of divorce, similar drama takes place. Hot and cold. It’s extreme and might not be particularly healthy

You could be a nice person and do the right things by your exes but in moderation and with your eyes peeled. If he is an abuser and narcissist, you need to be careful. Why do you think his ex wife still talks to him, he is sucking her right in. Or why his exes allowed him to store crap in their places for years! He is that good. He is a master manipulator and a user

@divine1966, thank you for pointing these things out. I can sometimes have black and white thinking, and I need to strike a balance and middle ground somehow between having firm boundaries while also being nice.

And yes, I think he has probably manipulated his other ex into thinking he's some sort of nice guy all over again. They're on very good speaking terms and could even be called good friends at this stage.

I am learning.... I am learning the art of creating and establishing firm boundaries while also being kind, compassionate and diplomatic at work right now too. I have not had to do this to date and it's a big challenge for me, in all areas of my life.

I have a fighter spirit in me, and because I've been abused many times at work and in my romantic life, it makes me react very defensively and protectively.

It's really hard for me, this new art form I must learn.

We all learn every day, don’t we? Yes balance is hard isn’t? My grandma used to say all issues in life comes from poor boundaries (she used to say everyone and everything has to have it’s place)

Balance sure IS hard! Man is it difficult! And yes, agreed! We learn every day!
Your grandma is very wise!!!

I am feeling your pain and I am experiencing the same thing . I am here if you ever want to talk .