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Anonymous42048
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#21
I don’t think anyone will show you the naked truth about their flaws on a 3rd date. Some will be scared, others won’t tell you whole story, and narcs will sell you made-up story.
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#22
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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#23
I just want to thank you for this question. It got me thinking, it took several hours to come up with a non-obvious answer (working on my self-compassion). But there's no way I'd answer honestly to this question on a first date (or, maybe, ever). Hope, you'll find what you're seeking. Best wishes and good luck!
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#24
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And thanks! I am not seeking anyone right now - I am in the midst of a divorce. YUCK. Happy new year to you! __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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#25
I'm going to ask that this thread be closed. Thanks.
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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#26
I'm deleting my post (it was ''off topic'')
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#27
I havent read everything so excuse me if I am repeating anything.
I find it interesting also that you can ask just one questions as well. Everybody has narcissistic traits, and to be labelled a narcissist generally speaking you need to tick off a lot more boxes. I find a lot of people call others narcissists these days, very openly on social media. For myself, I'm aware I have narcissistic traits, I'm aware my ex probably did too. We're human after all. It would be good to know more about our specific traits that we have though. Personally I want to answer this question so many ways in that I would confuse myself. I'd be part thinking, why does anyone *feel* they "have" to change? Through therapy I've learned a lot about the need for self acceptance and while that is a way of changing in itself, it makes me wonder why this question is so relevant to narcissism. The other side to me feels I have a lot to grow and change. The other thing is that change is inevitable, it's an interesting topic but I duno.. |
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#28
I havent read everything so excuse me if I am repeating anything.
I find it interesting also that you can ask just one questions as well. Everybody has narcissistic traits, and to be labelled a narcissist generally speaking you need to tick off a lot more boxes. I find a lot of people call others narcissists these days, very openly on social media. For myself, I'm aware I have narcissistic traits, I'm aware my ex probably did too. We're human after all. It would be good to know more about our specific traits that we have though. Personally I want to answer this question so many ways in that I would confuse myself. I'd be part thinking, why does anyone *feel* they "have" to change? Through therapy I've learned a lot about the need for self acceptance and while that is a way of changing in itself, it makes me wonder why this question is so relevant to narcissism. The other side to me feels I have a lot to grow and change. The other thing is that change is inevitable, it's an interesting topic but I duno.. |
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#29
@Catgotmytongue,
I agree with you - there's several boxes to check off before someone can truly be identified or labeled as a narcissist. As far as I understand it, narcissism exists on a spectrum, but to be diagnosed as NPD, someone needs to meet very specific criteria. I think we all have narcissistic tendencies, and you're right - the label is slapped on very readily and carelessly a lot on social media. I was simply sharing something I learned from a podcast that I thought was very interesting. The one question may not be enough to truly identify narcissism, but if someone says they have nothing to work on within themselves, that to me would be a tip off that the person has no ability to introspect, has no interest in growing as a person, doesn't feel they need to improve anything about themselves and is not very self aware. For me personally, I would be very turned off by such a person and wouldn't want to date them. I am personally very into introspection, self awareness,, self improvement and self development. I have been in therapy most of my life. I try to learn from my mistakes, and I try to improve myself as a person constantly. My husband, for example, is a narcissist and feels he does nothing wrong. He is never wrong, and I am the one who always misinterprets or misunderstands him. He can do no wrong, and he has no real reason to go to therapy. He is extremely abusive as well and won't acknowledge at this point that he's been abusive in our marriage. Back in July when I faced him with a divorce then, he did acknowledge and admit to his abuse towards me. But he only just paid lip service to the abuse back then. He didn't REALLY mean it and he has completely backtracked saying now that our arguments were just normal arguments that occur between husband and wife, when in reality, he used to explode on me frequently in angry and abusive rages over nothing. He only claims he will go to therapy now to salvage our marriage - but deep down, he doesn't feel he needs to change anything about how he behaves within a relationship. Now that is a classic NPD trait. So is lack of empathy, entitlement, and a superior attitude, all of which my husband exhibits. If I asked him this one question posed in the podcast, I am sure he would say "I don't need or or want to change anything about myself. I am fine just as I am". We all have something or many things we can improve about ourselves. I now am very wary of anyone who claims they have nothing to work on. So that's why I thought it was an interesting question to pose to someone. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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#30
I think if the person is smart enough, they’d know why you are asking and they’d give you the answer you want to hear. They’d figure out you aren’t asking for the sake of it but trying to figure them out as a person so they’d be smart enough to concoct attractive answer. These kind of questions only work if we assume everyone is honest and up front and straight forward. But then there will be no scammers and no manipulators but it’s just not the case
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#31
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__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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#32
I’ve been watching dating shows, the Bachelorette for one. . It seems like the buzz word of today is ‘vulnerable’. So, I would think most all people dating, especially now, would say something like ‘sure I’m not perfect and have things to work on to improve’. With the vulnerable thing on the bachelorette, they all tell these really personal, sad things in order to be ‘vulnerable’, which is the desired necessity for the bachelorette to hear, or it is a deal breaker and they are sent away.
It’s incredibly cocky for someone to say they have nothing to improve. If someone said that, anyone would be turned off immediately. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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#33
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I know, I am getting off topic, but the whole world of dating is actually very daunting to me at this stage. I have a broken picker, as my best friend tells me. And I do everything backwards and wrong. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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#34
Maybe this is off topic as well, but it’s my take on dating. I think it pays to be really discerning, patient enough to play the long game of getting to know someone properly and be willing to walk away if you see red flags/deal breakers, even if they seem nice (because “nice” can be a good act and genuine niceness should be a basic requirement anyway). Of course these things don’t guarantee a great relationship but they can help weed people out you might not be a good match with.
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#35
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__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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#36
I think when you take is slow, it really helps to figure things out. For example a man who isn’t seriously inclined would never wait for months before getting intimate, the one who is really into you on a deep level and looking for depth will wait. But if you jump into it right away you don’t even know if he is serious. Don’t know him on a deep level but you already got hooked. Bottom line you sometimes have to act against your nature. If your nature is to get physically close real quick then you force yourself not to. If you normally go for one type of men, force yourself to go for a different kind. We all gravitate towards familiar but to break the pattern you have to stop yourself and stir yourself opposite direction and you might be surprised what you’ll find.
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#37
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I agree about not sleeping with someone right away. I made that mistake with my husband. We slept together on like the fifth or sixth date. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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#38
I am a huge fan of Seinfeld! Oh yeah do the opposite haha
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#39
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#40
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