One way to detect narcissism in someone you may wish to date

Have Hope · Dec 26, 2020 at 10:32 AM

Ask the person:

In what way do you think you need to grow and change?

I heard this in a podcast today.

GOOD one!

Whenever I DO decide to date after my divorce, I am going to use this question!!!! I love this soooooooo much.

Dec 26, 2020 at 11:25 AM

What in the world is detecting narcissism? Human psychology is way more complex than that. Do you really think that you can "detect" very serious personality disorder by asking one silly question?

What if someone is competitive and he says that he wants to be the best. It doesn't mean he's a narcissist. The man can be a great guy outside of place where he compete with others (like work). Your topic kinda reminds me all those guys who sell best pickup lines THAT WORK ON EVERY GIRL. It doesn't work like that

Have Hope · 11:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MisterPaul

What in the world is detecting narcissism? Human psychology is way more complex than that. Do you really think that you can "detect" very serious personality disorder by asking one silly question?

What if someone is competitive and he says that he wants to be the best. It doesn't mean he's a narcissist. The man can be a great guy outside of place where he compete with others (like work). Your topic kinda reminds me all those guys who sell best pickup lines THAT WORK ON EVERY GIRL. It doesn't work like that

No offense, but this was taken directly from a podcast on how to tease out a narcissist when you are dating. I am not knocking on you personally, but since I married one and since he's harmed me incredibly badly and and has abused me, I am sure as heck am going to avoid dating another narcissist in the future.

How's your therapy going?

Dec 26, 2020 at 11:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

How's your therapy going?

It’s not relevant. What I was trying to say is that’s insane to label someone as narcissist based on one question. I know a guy who would probably say that he wants to grow by being the best at what he does (including beating others at game). We’ve been working together for about a year. He’s not a narc at all. I’ve seen him doing things for people who had no respect for him. I’ve seen him lose when he didn’t have to just to do the right thing. He’s got a “happy” family. I don’t live with them but I’d say it’s not a show and they truly love each other. However, based on the answer he’d give, he fits your criteria. Could you please tell me how’s that work?

Have Hope · Dec 26, 2020 at 11:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MisterPaul

It’s not relevant. What I was trying to say is that’s insane to label someone as narcissist based on one question. I know a guy who would probably say that he wants to grow by being the best at what he does (including beating others at game). We’ve been working together for about a year. He’s not a narc at all. I’ve seen him doing things for people who had no respect for him. I’ve seen him lose when he didn’t have to just to do the right thing. He’s got a “happy” family. I don’t live with them but I’d say it’s not a show and they truly love each other. However, based on the answer he’d give, he fits your criteria. Could you please tell me how’s that work?

What's most ironic and interesting to me is that a narcissist is taking umbrage to what I am writing about.

I did not create this question - it came from a psychologist and therapist who works with narcissists and who is an expert on narcissism.

And narcissists never think they have anything to work on, which is why it is such a great question - why bash the psychologist?

So this compels me to ask you: where do you need to grow and change?

divine1966 · Dec 26, 2020 at 12:05 PM

It sounds good but narcisstic (and other similar types) people are very good telling others exactly what they want to hear. They’d concoct such wonderful response about their growth and improvement and learning that you’ll be head over heels on the first date.

Less believing to things people say especially in response to a pointed question. More observing people in different situations, their interactions with others, their life style, things they do and say (not in response to a question), and spend enough time with them prior to getting too close. Also observing how they proceed in a relationship. In my experience it is a better strategy.

divine1966 · Dec 26, 2020 at 12:06 PM

Narcissists don’t think they need to work on anything. But they know how to answer these type of questions to make you believe everything they say. Especially if the person is very bright and possess a great charisma, they’ll be ahead of your game at any time.

Have Hope · Dec 26, 2020 at 12:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

It sounds good but narcisstic (and other similar types) people are very good telling others exactly what they want to hear. They’d concoct such wonderful response about their growth and improvement and learning that you’ll be head over heels on the first date.

Less believing to things people say especially in response to a pointed question. More observing people in different situations, their interactions with others, their life style, things they do and say (not in response to a question), and spend enough time with them prior to getting too close. Also observing how they proceed in a relationship. In my experience it is a better strategy.

I agree with you about observing behaviors vs. just listening to words. Actions always speak louder than words.

Dec 26, 2020 at 12:11 PM

I have to discipline myself more when it comes to workouts to stay healthy and shape up. I have to keep working on my writing skills to be valuable asset on the market. I also have to work on cynical part of my personality as it sometimes kills the mood and upsets others. (it's an honest answer, no game).

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

And narcissists never think they have anything to work on,

I always have something I’m trying to improve, so never say never

Personality disorders are not black and white. We're not all the same just because we suffer from NPD.

I’ve answered your question and now I’d like to ask you to answer mine (the one you have dodged).

Have Hope · Dec 26, 2020 at 12:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MisterPaul

I have to discipline myself more when it comes to workouts to stay healthy and shape up. I have to keep working on my writing skills to be valuable asset on the market. I also have to work on cynical part of my personality as it sometimes kills the mood and upsets others. (it's an honest answer, no game).

I always have something I’m trying to improve, so never say never

Personality disorders are not black and white. We're not all the same just because we suffer from NPD.

I’ve answered your question and now I’d like to ask you to answer mine (the one you have dodged).

Working on your health, writing and on your career skills are all great endeavors, but have little to nothing to do with actual personal development work such as changing your responses to people, working on not being defensive, improving how you communicate with others and working on not needing to game others, and working on kindness and empathy towards other people. Working on the cynical part of your personality is something along the lines of what I am talking about, but it's just one thing you came up with.

I would say the same about your friend - that it's ducking the question and would raise an eyebrow at the very least.

This podcast listed out many other questions in addition to the one I posted. It's not the ONLY question to ask a potential narcissist, but to me, it it certainly is indicative, given how a person responds to the question. Your friend apparently has nothing to work on themselves on a personal level.

divine1966 · Dec 26, 2020 at 12:19 PM

Podcasts could be great but they aren’t words of G-d and not every psychologist has a revelation. In addition they are trying to get more listeners so I’d take it with grain of salt.

Now discussion about growth and improvement is important in a relationship but I’d expect such discussion to develop naturally, usually when a couple clicks on a deep level, they’d have such discussion early on anyways

Have Hope · Dec 26, 2020 at 12:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Podcasts could be great but they aren’t words of G-d and not every psychologist has a revelation. In addition they are trying to get more listeners so I’d take it with grain of salt.

Now discussion about growth and improvement is important in a relationship but I’d expect such discussion to develop naturally, usually when a couple clicks on a deep level, they’d have such discussion early on anyways

I am gaining a lot from these podcasts. They are very helpful and informative to me. I trust the advice and guidance of psychologists and therapists far more than i trust other people.

No, they are not gospel, but it's education. Why knock education? Knowledge is power. I don't get where. you're coming from at all. It's like your'e disagreeing just to disagree.

I would ask such a question on a second or third date for certain. I am a deeper person than most.

divine1966 · Dec 26, 2020 at 12:30 PM

So if the person is self absorbed and selfish and uses others and is not trustworthy and they tell you that is what they need to improve, you’d consider dating them?

I’d say that if they are the kind of person lacking empathy and being liars or cheaters, you should not consider dating them regardless if they know what is wrong with them. At the very least they should fix themselves before they go on a date. I mean if they need to improve something manageable and not profound like have better time management skills etc then sure. But if they need to change their personality on such profound and deep level, why would you date them?

If someone is messed up in middle age, that’s who they are. Sure they might improve. But why do you need to stick around?

divine1966 · Dec 26, 2020 at 12:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I am gaining a lot from these podcasts. They are very helpful and informative to me. I trust the advice and guidance of psychologists and therapists far more than i trust other people.

No, they are not gospel, but it's education. Why knock education? Knowledge is power. I don't get where. you're coming from at all. It's like your'e disagreeing just to disagree.

I would ask such a question on a second or third date for certain. I am a deeper person than most.

No I am just telling you that you could use info from podcasts but understand there is more to it. I disagree that you can detect anything from how narcissist answers that question.

But I don’t want you to be naive and trusting that whatever men tell you, is the truth. Dig deeper. Your husband said a lot of things that you believed were true and he is the best man you’ll ever meet because he said all that.

But it does not make it true. Narcissts are great in saying all the “right” things. You might get the most wonderful answer to your question if the guy is good at his game

I don’t want you to fall into a trap again

Have Hope · Dec 26, 2020 at 12:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

So if the person is self absorbed and selfish and uses others and is not trustworthy and they tell you that is what they need to improve, you’d consider dating them?

I’d say that if they are the kind of person lacking empathy and being liars or cheaters, you should not consider dating them regardless if they know what is wrong with them. At the very least they should fix themselves before they go on a date. I mean if they need to improve something manageable and not profound like have better time management skills etc then sure. But if they need to change their personality on such profound and deep level, why would you date them?

If someone is messed up in middle age, that’s who they are. Sure they might improve. But why do you need to stick around?

NO WAY would I consider dating them if they said those things.

I do think the way they respond to this question would be VERY revealing at the very least.

Have Hope · Dec 26, 2020 at 12:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

I don’t want you to fall into a trap again

I won't. That's why I am listening to podcasts about narcissism and about how narcissists operate. I am educating myself and am informing myself so that I do not fall victim again. I am trying to empower myself.

divine1966 · Dec 26, 2020 at 12:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

NO WAY would I consider dating them if they said those things. When did I say that? I haven't said anything of the kind! Why do I feel so defensive?

I do think the way they respond to this question would be VERY revealing at the very least.

Defensive? About what? I am so confused now...

I am just trying to understand what kind of answers would be indicative of anything? I do agree that we can see a lot from how people answering questions on a date but it’s not set in stone. Skillful narcissist and liar will answer all the right things! And the most wonderful person might be taken aback by having to answer to a stranger and might need a minute to think.

I want you to be careful. It’s more complicated than just asking people questions on a date

Have Hope · Dec 26, 2020 at 12:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Defensive? About what? I am so confused now...

I am just trying to understand what kind of answers would be indicative of anything? I do agree that we can see a lot from how people answering questions on a date but it’s not set in stone. Skillful narcissist and liar will answer all the right things! I want you to be careful.

Sorry - I edited my comment and deleted that part.

I think if someone doesn't tell me that they are working on aspects of themselves - for ME, it's not the person I wish to date. I want someone introspective, someone who is self-aware, who knows they have made mistakes and who is learning from their mistakes. I want someone who is into personal development and who wants to continuously improve themselves. So if they are not aware of their issues, I want nothing to do with them.

divine1966 · Dec 26, 2020 at 12:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Sorry - I edited my comment and deleted that part.

I think if someone doesn't tell me that they are working on aspects of themselves - for ME, it's not the person I wish to date. I want someone introspective, someone who is self-aware, who knows they have made mistakes and who is learning from their mistakes. I want someone who is into personal development and who wants to continuously improve themselves. So if they are not aware of their issues, I want nothing to do with them.

Well of course these are all important things. I was just trying to say that it will take more than that one question especially if there is a danger that the person pretends to be introspective. And surely many pretend and do an excellent job. People can say anything to get you hooked especially if they have ulterior motives. And narcissists are great at that. I don’t want to sound jaded but I am just being real. You are very trusting which is endearing quality but it causes you to be a prey of men who say all the right things

Ok to disagree on this matter

Have Hope · Dec 26, 2020 at 12:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Well of course these are all important things. I was just trying to say that it will take more than that one question especially if there is a danger that the person pretends to be introspective. And surely many pretend and do an excellent job. People can say anything to get you hooked especially if they have ulterior motives. And narcissists are great at that. I don’t want to sound jaded but I am just being real. You are very trusting which is endearing quality but it causes you to be a prey of men who say all the right things

Ok to disagree on this matter

Thanks, divine. I agree that it takes more than just one question. This is simply one question that one can ask. And of course it takes more than just that - it takes really getting to know a person's character first - which I overlooked with my husband - lesson learned!!! I am trying to NOW learn from all my past mistakes with men. I will not be so trusting going forward - that's for sure.

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divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,367 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Dec 26, 2020 at 12:06 PM #7 Narcissists don’t think they need to work on anything. But they know how to answer these type of questions to make you believe everything they say. Especially if the person is very bright and possess a great charisma, they’ll be ahead of your game at any time.
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