Am I heading to a divorce?

First post here. I'm feeling pretty desperate. Please help if you have kind words or advice.

I'm a male. So this is only coming from a male's perspective.

I'm on my second marriage. 3 Kids with first. 2 Kids with second. ages range from 21 to 1. Yes you read that correctly. I started over.

Where to start. I feel that my wife doesn't take into account my feelings ever. Our biggest arguments spawn around sex. Actually our only arguments are around sex. I feel like I want/need more for the intimacy. She always has excuses. And I know... I know. Well sometimes in a marriage one of the spouses just doesn't feel like it. And it can be caused by (insert the 99 different reasons here). I'm not new to this. But the problem/question is. Is this my fault when I get grumpy and or angry sometimes when I don't get sex? The hard part is I know I shouldn't be angry, but I still get angry. And here's the thing. I'm getting angry cause of all the excuses she makes she's not trying to fix them. I'm only supposed to fix my anger issues. Isn't sex in a marriage part of it? Now I know the next thing always said. It's not the only part, and what are you doing to ensure you are creating a loving environment. Welp, lets see. I compliment her morning noon and night. I spend time with her away from our kids. I.E. when the girls go to bed I stay up with her and we do things together as a couple. I buy her things. I cook. I clean. I change dirty diapers. I work. I shop. I do laundry. I'm a fantastic dad to my kids. I cry in front of her. I protect her. I take care of my health (which is declining, but that's another thread). I work on myself. I pray with her. We read bible verses together. I even suggested lets take at very least once a week once the girls are in bed to have a date night. We eat less at dinner than we cook a really nice fancy dinner just her and I. And eat by candle light. I help pick out her clothes for her some mornings. I give her massages every now and then and DON'T make it sexual. I rub her feet. Heck I even gave her a sponge bath last week. I cry in front of her.
So as you can see, I feel like I'm a pretty good husband. And I'm a pretty good dad. But when it comes to the sex part of our relationship... that is what I feel we are uneven on. I get it after having 2 kids your hormones change. Or you are tired. 2 kids that are 2 and 1 are exhausting. But I don't feel like cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, reading bible verses every day, praying every day. Taking out the garbage. Giving massages. But I do it because serving my spouse and my family is part of being a husband/dad. And once my health started to decline. (diagnosed 2 months ago with fibromyalgia) I took it real serious and started working on it. I exercise more. I take supplements. Heck I even take apple cider vinegar (made by the devil himself) now just to see if it helps. But my wife won't take her lack of sexual desire as an issue and to be honest keeps calling it my issue. I.E. I'm a sex addict if I want sex more than once every two weeks. And of course when we first met the sex was great. bla bla bla. I'm the millionth customer to win that prize. And I know I'm the millionth customer to win the prize of having a spouse who doesn't want to have sex anymore.

So here's the question. How do I cope??? 3 night ago I said I'm gonna need sex, I can feel it. I'm gonna be grumpy if I don't. And she looked at me, turned her head and kept on doing what she was doing. Is it my problem? Should I seek professional help to tell me all the things I already know? Which I have now more than once. Should I ignore it? Should I get a divorce? Should I just try and figure out how not to have that desire? Should I stop doing everything for her and the family? Should I just wait?

Yesterday was the culmination of a huge fight. (fighting is not yelling and screaming in my house) And she was doing things behind my back being sneaky. So I checked her and found out she was packing. She said I'm going with the girls to meet her friend in another state. I said over my dead body you are taking the girls and I said if you do I'll call the police. So she called the police and said to them I was being demeaning and wasn't letting her leave with my girls. So the police came and I sat like a good little dog while being watched while she packed and left. I did not and have not ever threatened her. I have never laid a hand on her. But now I fully understand what I am to her. I'm nothing more than a dog. I mean we love our dogs, we protect them. We care for them. But at the end of the day they are still dogs to us. And I truly feel like I am one to her. And I sure as heck feel like I'm being treated as such.

So that's it for now. If anybody has been in this situation. Or can provide help. I sure would appreciate it. Because at this point my only option is divorce. I can't go on being someone's dog.

Thank you.

Not necessarily. Marriage doesn't equate getting sex on tap.

And yes, things can change over time where one partner may want more and/or the other partner doesn't. It is about compromise and discussions and negotiations with both parties.

You are entitled to your feelings e.g. anger. However, sulking, overt aggression, taking it out on your spouse is manipulative behaviour. IF it escalates, it can quickly become pushy or abusive. If she doesn't want to have sex, these come across as attempts to force her to satisfy you, regardless of her needs.

It's hard to know the real issue - were there any major changes that happened, is there a psychological and/or medical issue... or maybe her libido simply decreased.

If one simply doesn't want to have sex, how can they 'fix' it. It is not as easy as what you imply.

This is, to me, more concerning. IF this is what you feel then I don't see why you are in this marriage. Marriage ought to be a more or less equal, and equitable, exchange between both partners. If one partner neglected the other's feeling *always*, I would reconsider the marriage.


I see how you seem to be doing the 'right' things. However this really comes across as emotional blackmail i.e. do this, or else... and frankly not the way to go about it if you want intimacy with her.

It seems a complex situation (her 'excuses' meaning we don't know what is going on with her, her reluctance to engage in sexual activity with you, her packing etc.) as we don't know her side of the story in all of this. Does she maybe want out of this marriage?

If communication between the two of you is not working out, how about trying for a neutral/impartial third party i.e. marriage counselling?

I am a little shocked that you threatened to call police to stop your wife visiting her friend with the kids? What would police do? And why? Is she not allowed to go places without you? Not allowed to take kids places? I have a feeling there is more to the story. You sure not going to get more sex by not allowing your wife to take kids on a trip, threatening is not a good strategy.

I was going to suggest marriage therapy but I am not sure now. Something just doesn’t sound right

Yeah, something in your story is not adding up. Why did you go to the extreme in threatening to call the police? Have the police ever been involved before in your marriage? Has that threat ever been made?

Rather than get angry, have you tried to calmly ask your wife about your sex life and what it is SHE may need in order to be more in the mood?

How old are you both? Is she entering menopause? Sex drive wanes quite a bit as we age.

IF the marriage is a happy one otherwise, why would you consider a divorce over sex issue?

Hi TheWhiteSheep welcome to MySupportForums. Interestingly this problem comes up quite a bit here in these forums. Sometimes it’s the woman struggling with her husband’s lack of interest and sometimes it’s the man who is sexually frustrated.

Have you had a sit down with your wife where you asked her why she isn’t interested like she was before?

Pouting and getting frustrated without sitting and talking about it won’t give you answers. Also don’t drop hints or give off digs that will get ignored. Yes you are right about there being all kinds of reasons so we can’t say here other then sitting down with her and having a discussion about it. No threats or comments but instead a genuine discussion. Can you do that?

There is so much about your post that is stomach-churning and frankly I see why she is not enthused. You have some issues that I think you need to see an individual counselor about. One of the issues is whether you two are even compatible. You honestly sound like a child about sex ("I'm gonna be grumpy") like really dude? Take care of yourself, don't put your mood off on your spouse.

I can't believe you threatened to call the cops because she wanted to visit her friend. You sound controlling and frankly, your whole post sounds like there is seething anger just below the your surface.

Well, you did not seem to get a very friendly welcome did you? All women too. I am sorry because you are clearly frustrated and at a loss.

The reason that happened that you are not getting in this picture is that you have made having sex become TRANSACTIONAL. What women here highlighted has been the different things you have said that sounds like, I have done this, and this, and this and this now so when do I get paid?

First, from reading your post I want to say I BELIEVE that you are trying very hard and you are genuinely frustrated. I can see that you have tried to be the model husband and father and you have tried to think about all the things that you can do to have a healthy home environment. You don't deserve to be punished, especially when you have taken the time to share your frustration that is clearly gotten you in a sort of desperate mindset. I can see you are trying so hard I don't want to beat you up for it. HOWEVER, there are things that do stand out to me in what you share.

First of all having two small children only 2 and 1 is A LOT to handle. They are always NEEDING so much attention. Your wife is already in a sort of constant transactual that children demand of her. Most likely when she finally gets them to bed she is at a point where she needs to decompress and have some personal time. It's very probable that she needs her down time and the last thing she wants is to tend to something else and unfortunately, that means getting into a mood to satisfy you. I don't think it's you personally either, instead it's probably her overall mood to begin with.

When women have children and are ON all day tending to the needs of her children there comes a time where the last thing she wants is to tend to anything else. The other challenge right now is how this pandemic has cut off so many things that allow a person to distance and get a break. Can't just go to a mall or the beauty parlor or out to a quiet dinner or a movie or even to church or any kind of social activity. And depending on what state someone lives in, even schools are closed which presents a new challenge of the children being home all day including young children that could be in daycare so mom can get a break.

You started over and that means you now have a young family again. Well, a young family means lots of work and responsiblity. So your wife has two little ones in the home and how may others and how old?

When your wife said "I am going with the girls", DO YOU KNOW WHY? My guess is that your wife just needed to get out of that home with you the other children and those two dogs and have some time with a friend. I agree with other posters that did not like how you reacted to that by insisting she not go and telling her you would call the police if she did go. @TheWhiteSheep that was a bad thing to do on your part, please take an honest step back and think about it.

It sounds like you married a younger woman, well, you don't own this woman. She is younger and will need HER OWN SPACE and that includes her right to get a break and visit a friend. You are trying to create YOUR idea of THE perfect relationship and family here and you are not considering some important things. When you don't see important things when it comes to other's needs all the other things you do no longer mean anything. You are seeing YOUR picture here and not the bigger picture. Unfortunately this happens a lot and in all honesty, with this pandemic there is a lot more strain where outlets are significantly reduced.

Your pouting and making remarks as you have described along with trying to prevent her from planning some time with a friend are all very childish and she already has enough of that in her orbit. Choices have consequences and you chose to start all over again and you have young children. Well, this is new to your wife, and what that means is she is NOW in a constant mother role and it AINT EASY. When a woman has a child there is less time for her own needs, it's quite an adjustment and it's constant. It's hard enough with one baby and your wife has two and a two year old is still very much just a baby. And it is 7 days a week and constant unless someone has a nanny or daycare. It isn't that you are a dog, it's more that she is dog tired and the last thing she wants is to have yet another presence pawing at her and demanding her attention. You have to really see where you actually are in this picture TheWhiteSheep once a woman becomes a mother her whole life changes. Suddenly so many demands on her.

i agree with @Open Eyes. It seems like your Wife doesn't seem to enjoy or want to have sex that much. Have you tried to talk to her about ALL of this and see how it goes from there if you haven't already done it, of course? Perhaps there are some specific reasons why she acts this way. i must also agree with the others that calling the police was rather unnecessary, although i UnderstAnd your frustration if she didn't warn you before that. SEnding many Safe, Warm hugs to BOTH you, @TheWhiteSheep, your Family, your FriEnds and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Honestly, my belief is that the most difficult part of a relationship is communication. Without that, intimacy is very difficult. For some reason, men and women feel the need to play games, shame, and look for excuses to behave in one way or another. I am not sure if it's excuses or behavior they have seen in their own family, but I know a working relationship does not involves these strategic tactics. In my last two relationships, I felt like my partner was treating me like a dog. Rewarding me without telling me why, and taking himself away as like a punishment for an issue we simply disagree on. WE ARE NOT PETS, or dogs, we are humans and I am sorry I am venting on your thread, because I know I have said things I regret. I just can't tolerate the way people treat each other. one negative behavior leads to another. a working relationship is not TIT for TAT. THIS IS 2020! traditions are not the same as they once were and women have different and more resources and opportunities but often would prefer a partner to share a simple life with and don't need to be guilted or shamed into it.

if you love your wife, you can work to salvage your relationship by bettering yourself and being patient with her. Be honest without being too vulnerable and see where that takes you. Maybe time apart could help also, but I would working on your time together first. Make the first step towards bettering your relationship.

I view sex as an important and key element in a relationship. But I view it as a way to emotionally connect with my husband on a level that no one else in the world can. I dont focus on something frisky ending in intercourse or even foreplay for that matter. I just enjoy the imtimacy of making out or whatever and where it leads, it leads. I think its important to get to the root of why this is so important to you in the sense of how you feel valued or devalued. An example would be if you are doing all of these nice things for your wife and she never acknowledges your help or says thank you or looks at it as an expectation then naturally you will feel devalued. But feeling that way and then seeking the value through sex is kind of hollow. But I dont want you to see any strong opinions here as people thinking you are an evil asshole.