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Brokensoul1979
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Default Jan 01, 2021 at 06:33 PM
  #1
My divorce was finalized in March. I was undiagnosed bipolar disorder 1. I cheated on him multiple times, I got him fired from his job, I put him through hell. He was my person. I have been trying to get back together with him but he can’t even commit to the possibility of trying to work it out. He is cold and unloving which I deserve but it kills me hurts me beyond words. When I tell him I can’t do this anymore he always gives me a shimmer of hope that we may be able to work it out. He tells me it’s none of my business what he does, he refuses to friend me on fb. I’m his dirty little secret that he even has anything to do with me. I messaged the man I had an affair with as a friend for advice and my exhusand found out and is irate. I don’t know what to do. I have no family no friends no support whatsoever.
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Default Jan 01, 2021 at 10:26 PM
  #2
What do you mean undiagnosed? You think you have it? I think you might want to try to see a professional. It’s not a good idea to self diagnose

Your marriage is over. It went all kind of wrong. I’d see a therapist to help you move on. I think you might want to stop contacting affair partner. Even though you are free to do so as a divorced person, men who sleep with married women aren’t the best advise givers. I’d not be asking him for advice

I wish you the best but I don’t recommend you try to reconcile with your ex. Accept that it’s over. There is no way it could work out. Multiple affairs and getting him fired isn’t particularly good marriage material. Try to seek help and address your issues with a professional
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Default Jan 01, 2021 at 11:25 PM
  #3
I'm sorry but with such history... there is absolutely no way that you can try to reconcile this relationship. It's over with. Seeking advice from the man that you had an affair didn't exactly help the situation. Would you want to go back to an abusive and hostile relationship if your husband did exactly what you did to him? Actions results in consequences. I would take this time to try to seek some professional help. Theirs must be an underlining issue that's causing you to be abusive to others. I would go see a therapist for help.

In the mean time I would recommend that you end any form of communication with your ex-husband... If you must contact him for any (legit reason) only contact him through a lawyer. Remove him from any social media networks.
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Brokensoul1979
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Default Jan 02, 2021 at 02:18 AM
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I was not diagnosed with bipolar disorder 1 by a psychiatrist. I did not self diagnose. I was full blown manic and completely paranoid when he was fired. I did not know what I was doing but that must just seem like an excuse since it was said that I am abusive to others. I was seeing a therapist until recently when I relocated. I don't have any support system. My mother and sister do not speak to me and my father and step father are dead. I lost all of my friends in the divorce. He has been helping me from time to time. Is adultery something that cannot be forgiven? I didn't do it just to have a good time. I have unresolved issues from my childhood sexual abuse by multiple men and a mother who did not love me and blamed me for the abuse. I am trying to work through my issues and am currently taking multiple antipsychotics and antidepressants.
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Default Jan 02, 2021 at 08:46 AM
  #5
I would suggest getting professional help.

Yes, your ex-husband could, one day, forgive you. Who knows... However, for now, I would give him space and concentrate on you working on yourself instead. He, like you say, went through hell, so let him do his healing.

I also wouldn't advise contacting the man you had the affair with.

Seek professional (i.e. mental health) help instead, to sort yourself out & for support.
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Default Jan 02, 2021 at 09:38 AM
  #6
i am afraid i must agree with all the others. Seek help and try to forget. It is time to rebuild your Life so focus on yourself and on what you want to do from now on. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Brokensoul1979, your Family, your Friends, your Husband and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Default Jan 02, 2021 at 09:47 AM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brokensoul1979 View Post
My divorce was finalized in March. I was undiagnosed bipolar disorder 1. I cheated on him multiple times, I got him fired from his job, I put him through hell. He was my person. I have been trying to get back together with him but he can’t even commit to the possibility of trying to work it out. He is cold and unloving which I deserve but it kills me hurts me beyond words. When I tell him I can’t do this anymore he always gives me a shimmer of hope that we may be able to work it out. He tells me it’s none of my business what he does, he refuses to friend me on fb. I’m his dirty little secret that he even has anything to do with me. I messaged the man I had an affair with as a friend for advice and my exhusand found out and is irate. I don’t know what to do. I have no family no friends no support whatsoever.
How do you know if you have bipolar disorder if it is undiagnosed? I hope you're not self diagnosing, only medical professionals can make diagnosis based off of test results. Just because you have symptoms doesn't mean you have it. It could be nothing or something entirely different. Please be careful about that. As for the relationship, it sounds like this marriage ran its course. After everything he went through, especially you causing him to be fired, he clearly doesn't want anything to do with you. I would seek professional help and try to move on and no more affairs.
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Default Jan 02, 2021 at 06:41 PM
  #8
You need to try to fix yourself with medication and therapy and hope another person comes along.

Your ex-husband would be right to consider you poison to him. No way to get back after all that's been done. Since your requirement is more than friends, you would be best off going completely no contact with him.
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Default Jan 03, 2021 at 01:01 PM
  #9
He was your "person"? To do what to? Abuse and mistreat?

Since you were abusive to your ex husband, you cheated multiple times and you got him fired, then he is 100% justified in not coming back to you.

It's time for you to take responsibility for any abuse that you have inflicted on loved ones or partners, take responsibility for your abusive behaviors, and get yourself professional help.

Please do not chase or pursue your ex. He has a right to a peaceful life without you. I have been abused in my marriage and I am divorcing said abuser, who refuses to own up to his abuse and get help. He also refuses to accept the ending of our relationship and a divorce. It's not fair to try and pursue your ex after what you've done to him. My ex is doing the same, and it absolutely enrages me. My ex is extremely toxic to me - and you are extremely toxic to your ex in your current state.

The best you can do for yourself at this point is to get some real help, including long-term therapy. Affairs and abuse do not need to be forgiven and sometimes in many people's minds are 100% unforgivable.

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Last edited by Have Hope; Jan 03, 2021 at 01:30 PM..
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Default Jan 08, 2021 at 12:12 PM
  #10
Quote:
When I tell him I can’t do this anymore he always gives me a shimmer of hope that we may be able to work it out. He tells me it’s none of my business what he does, he refuses to friend me on fb. I’m his dirty little secret that he even has anything to do with me. I messaged the man I had an affair with as a friend for advice and my exhusband found out and is irate.
I'm very sorry for everything you went through when you were young.



I agree with what people said above. I want to add, though, that now he is giving you mixed messages--he seems to want to control you without giving you an actual chance to get back together. I say that he isn't treating you right.

I suggest that you go no contact with him--block him on all media, don't contact him, and ignore him if he contacts you.

Keep working on your issues. Get talk therapy to go along with the meds. And consider some of the following: Volunteer. Take up a hobby/activity that interests you. Learn/relearn a language (free on Duolingo.com). Get out in nature. Work out. Take up running. Call hotlines when you need someone to speak with, here is an example of a good one:

Caring Contact - We're Here To Listen

When you are doing better overall, you will be in a better position to decide whether or not it makes sense to try to have him in your life.
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Default Jan 08, 2021 at 04:55 PM
  #11
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Originally Posted by Brokensoul1979 View Post
I was not diagnosed with bipolar disorder 1 by a psychiatrist. I did not self diagnose. I was full blown manic and completely paranoid when he was fired. I did not know what I was doing but that must just seem like an excuse since it was said that I am abusive to others. I was seeing a therapist until recently when I relocated. I don't have any support system. My mother and sister do not speak to me and my father and step father are dead. I lost all of my friends in the divorce. He has been helping me from time to time. Is adultery something that cannot be forgiven? I didn't do it just to have a good time. I have unresolved issues from my childhood sexual abuse by multiple men and a mother who did not love me and blamed me for the abuse. I am trying to work through my issues and am currently taking multiple antipsychotics and antidepressants.
I don’t think there is “must” or “cannot” here. If your husband doesn’t want to reconcile, then you can’t force him. Some people forgive and some don’t. It’s not even a question of forgiveness. People are not obligated to stay after affair. Till death do us apart doesn’t involve adultery. Even the most conservative and religious communities generally opposing to divorce, will not tolerate adultery. Having said that, of course many people stay.

Also let’s face it not everyone stays because they forgive. Many stay because they don’t want to give up comfort of marriage and comfort of their bills being paid, many stay because divorcing means fending for yourself and be independent, which they might not want to do. It might not be your situation but many stay for that reason. So when you hear someone forgave an affair, did they really forgive or just stayed for those reasons?

Many stay but there is no true forgiveness because they dislike or even hate their spouse so much that they spew so much venom, resentment and hatred. Some say such asinine things about their spouses that I can’t even comprehend. It’s way more honorable to leave than stay and be so negative and hateful about your spouse. Sadly that’s what happens when affairs are supposedly “forgiven”.

Would he be able to stay with you and be truly loving husband or he be saying and thinking mean and unkind things about you because he’ll resent you for cheating?

I personally don’t cheat and weren’t cheated on, but I believe it’s up to the person if they want to stick around. He doesn’t want to reconcile. You can’t force him. If he wants to, he will. It’s up to him

I commend you for seeking help and that’s what you should do now. Focus on getting better. Read, try to find therapist, stay on meds etc seek help, support groups, try to live healthier life. Don’t focus on getting him back if he doesn’t want to be back.

And you might want to stay no contact because he is just confusing you and messes with your feelings.
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Default Jan 09, 2021 at 07:10 AM
  #12
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brokensoul1979 View Post
I was not diagnosed with bipolar disorder 1 by a psychiatrist. I did not self diagnose. I was full blown manic and completely paranoid when he was fired. I did not know what I was doing but that must just seem like an excuse since it was said that I am abusive to others. I was seeing a therapist until recently when I relocated. I don't have any support system. My mother and sister do not speak to me and my father and step father are dead. I lost all of my friends in the divorce. He has been helping me from time to time. Is adultery something that cannot be forgiven? I didn't do it just to have a good time. I have unresolved issues from my childhood sexual abuse by multiple men and a mother who did not love me and blamed me for the abuse. I am trying to work through my issues and am currently taking multiple antipsychotics and antidepressants.
If you werent dx'd by a mental health expert then how do you know you have bipolar? I am not doubting your experience or that it was manic I am just curious. For many people infidelity is unforgiveable. The reasons behind our mistakes help us understand ourselves and our motivations but it does not require the people that we hurt to understand or forgive our mistakes. You many very well have cheated due to the things that were mentioned but you still made the mistakes cheating. Knowing the reasons why can help some people reconcile but at the same time it doesnt require them to forgive.

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Default Jan 09, 2021 at 09:54 AM
  #13
That’s a good point Sarah. Understanding of other persons challenges could provide an insight, but it doesn’t mean there is an obligation to stick around. People can’t be required to forgive. It’s their rights to decide for themselves
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