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romanticbigman
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Default Jan 02, 2021 at 09:40 AM
  #1
I want to settle in my hometown to be close to my family and friends – I have slept with a few girls a long time ago that are still in circles of friends. They are mainly in my secondary circle of friends in my hometown, although things can change quickly in a small town – my best friend’s brother and another guy in the main circle seem to be in contact with one of the girls.

My girlfriend (foreign) feels disgust when she thinks of them being near me.
On top of never wanting to go to a social gathering where one is present, she is also uncomfortable when I’m with my friends and they are there.
I think my gf will agree to trial living in my hometown if I make a few compromises / sacrifices.

She is fine if I invite the lads out for a drink etc and the girls show up, but doesn’t want me to go somewhere that I know the girls already are.

I can’t see myself sticking to a blanket rule like this – if all my friends are somewhere (which is rare these days) and one of the girls is there I won’t not go.

She wants me to never go to the home of the girls (one I’m closest to lives nearby with my friend – ie her bf).
I could agree to this but I imagine I will need some further compromise.

Not ideal but neither is discarding a girl I still love.
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Default Jan 02, 2021 at 04:51 PM
  #2
Dear romanticbigman,

I understand that situation from personal experience, so my heart goes out to you!

Something that works for me is doing a cost/benefit analysis of various courses of action. Admittedly, this is a bit abstract and cold blooded, but it sometimes helps me sort out actions and consequences and what I am prepared to give versus what I am prepared to lose.

This also takes a situation out of an "emotions only" way of thinking by putting things in a realistic perspective.

Relationships can be thorny and seem to involve interminable power struggles. Sometimes just going with one's gut feeling turns out badly. Sometimes not.

What does your girl friend bring into your life? What does a limitation on your freedom in the matter you mention take from your life? Which is more important to you? Is some sort of compromise possible? And so on.

If you lose the ability to see old girls friends in the situation you describe, how awful would that be? If you lose your girl friend, how awful would that be? Which is more awful?

I wish I had some better advice for you. Hopefully others here will have more knowledge, experience and insight than I have and will be helpful to you. It sounds like the situation is weighing heavily upon you. So sorry about that!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen
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Default Jan 02, 2021 at 07:55 PM
  #3
What do you mean by foreign. Like born in a foreign country or lives in a foreign country? Have you two met in person?
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Default Jan 02, 2021 at 11:27 PM
  #4
my suggestion is to ease back on this relationship for a while. tone things down for a bit... tame back some on the pace of getting further into it.
i cant see how to put this any other way so watch out because this is going to be blunt & harsh - RUN. run fast and run far and just get the heck out of this relationship. back out as gracefully and tactfully and gently as possible. you dont need to blame her or you or a specific resson... you dont need to completely destroy the bridge beyond repair. you can stay in touch, have a get together now and then ... ..
im not having a good vibe about the looks of where this is heading based on what im getting out of your post.
how much should you compromise? really? what about WHY should you be forced to compromise at this early stage in the game?
if this "tone" is like this now.. boy FRIEND girl FRIEND ... think fiance fiance ... husband wife ...
are you catching any of my drift here?..
i, me, myself i am a fully mature, fully self reliable, self sufficient, rational minded grown adult woman. NO body, .. no male ,female ,mom, dad, friend , spouse, child, . NO body tells me what i can or can not do... they can offer advice, pitch in a suggestion, lend a heavy hint at what their preference is and that is all any of is in terms of how i reach my final decesion.
IF i feel so inclined i can play in favor more heavy on a few matters & coming to a more comfortable compromise with things having been in my mind .. but , that i did do that , i did because i made the choice to do it. i wasnt bullied into it, i wssnt forced into it, i wasnt coherced or cornered or hijacked or part of a trade off or bargin or offered a prize or i gave in to avoid dealing with the consequences had i not...
i get the old flame jeliousy routine but, oh my gosh, at some point it needs to just go back to a part of things from our past... the trust has to start from the start right where this relationship begins... not bit & pcs of before drug in to hang over our heads, dangle in front of our nose to keep bringing it back up into light as a point out again some sort of useful reminder from it... like pointed at the end of shame on you finger...
id think it be a good idea to find trust, maturity & respect together 1st ..before taking the relationship any further.
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Default Jan 03, 2021 at 10:40 AM
  #5
She seems rather insecure. Does she have reasons to be? If so, I would probably compromise with her. If not, then her jealousy seems rather extreme and it seems something she needs to work on (with your support and encouragement).
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Default Jan 03, 2021 at 12:00 PM
  #6
Unfortunately we can't really tell you what to do as we don't know in full detail what the situation with your girlfriend, not to mention that it is YOU that have to make the final decision in my opinion. That said, i'd suggest to consider how the relationship with your girlfriend is going in other aspects. Is she usually controllong or is this the only occasion she has ever told you what to do? How important is for you going out with your friends compared to the rest? I'd say it is REALLY important to make this kind of analysis and to seriously talk about this with her. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @romanticbigman, your Family, your Friends, your Girlfriend and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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romanticbigman
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Default Jan 04, 2021 at 08:02 AM
  #7
She lives in a foreign country – I have spent about a year of my life in this country with her but miss family and friends at home.
She is insecure because I have lied twice – firstly was shortly after I met her when I just saw her as another girl, the second about 6 months ago when I was flustered, although she sees this as a flat out lie also.
Also, the first 6 months of knowing each other I did not want to commit and kept sleeping around – she has trauma from this. When I did commit 2 years ago I have been perfectly loyal.
She was cheated on by 2 previous boyfriends also.
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Default Jan 05, 2021 at 12:16 AM
  #8
Regardless of your history with these other women your girlfriend sounds insecure. Are you planning on getting married?

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Default Jan 05, 2021 at 09:55 PM
  #9
Well you lied to her twice, one time recently, and slept around first 6 months of the relationship. So the bottom line she doesn’t trust you and probably never will. So at this point if there is no trust, there is nothing. And she is within her rights not to trust you. This relationship likely won’t survive long term.
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romanticbigman
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Default Jan 26, 2021 at 09:31 AM
  #10
Tried talking about it but got nowhere - as well as me, she herself wants to avoid these girls which would be impossible if we settle in my hometown. She would not attend a wedding for example if they were there, and went as far as saying she would worry about our future children becoming friends with their children. She says seeing them will remind her of my past and give her trauma.
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