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Default Jan 25, 2021 at 04:11 PM
  #41
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MisterPaul, you are still young yet, perhaps in time you will heal and come to terms with what you see as those you must consider the ones you must be better than.
There is much more to it than that. You have no idea how many times being callous, pragmatic, and ruthless benefited me. Sure, these are the dark traits, but at the same time they are extremely effective when it comes to challenges in life. They get you the results you want – almost every time. I love it because it’s powerful and I’m very attracted to power.
 
 
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Default Jan 25, 2021 at 06:40 PM
  #42
I do know because that’s how my sister is. All that matters is her need for control and power and her own needs. Her love is having the power and control. I do get it.
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Default Jan 26, 2021 at 09:22 AM
  #43
Do you ever rage?
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Default Jan 26, 2021 at 09:28 AM
  #44
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Do you ever rage?
Not anymore. I understand reasons behind my outbursts and I can prevent them from happening. They're pointless, they achieve nothing, and they can distract me for hours or even days.
 
 
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Default Jan 26, 2021 at 09:46 AM
  #45
If you were to describe what created your outbursts would you say it was because you were not able to control the situation or challenge or other person?
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Default Jan 26, 2021 at 09:59 AM
  #46
MisterPaul, I'm CPTSD, but the things you've said really remind me of the sub-personalty I've used in the past.

It takes over when I'm at my most desperate.

This is not the same as Dissociative Identity Disorder, as I remain in charge (and don't 'lose time', etc).

This sub-personality doesn't care about anything! She's extremely tough, and has started arguments with complete strangers, been incredibly rude to people she thinks are taking advantage, publicly confronted a man who kept staring at us (not just shouting at the guy, but also striding up and down in front of him afterwards, to compound his humiliation), and so on.

I used to love her, as she saved my life during some life-threateningly difficult times. These things do have a place, or we wouldn't create them.

But I can see now that I/she wasn't really being strong. The existence of a sub-personality means we have some vital part of our own personality missing. In my case, I wasn't able to express anger. I wonder if something similar is happening with you?
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Default Jan 26, 2021 at 11:29 AM
  #47
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If you were to describe what created your outbursts would you say it was because you were not able to control the situation or challenge or other person?
Yes.

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Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue View Post
I wonder if something similar is happening with you?
I don't think so. I don't perceive it as some version of me. If I do the things I described I feel like "me". There is no other scenario. Even when I'm broken, it's still the "tough guy" who's just currently down.
 
 
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Default Jan 26, 2021 at 11:50 AM
  #48
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But I can see now that I/she wasn't really being strong. The existence of a sub-personality means we have some vital part of our own personality missing. In my case, I wasn't able to express anger. I wonder if something similar is happening with you?
@Purple,Violet,Blue that's really good and must have taken a lot of work for you to figure out. Yes, if a child is not allowed to express anger or frustration it can create some significant challenges that can last a lifetime. Often the quest for power is an effort to assure self that the hurt part will always be protected. It's a demand of submission otherwise a price will be paid.
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Default Jan 26, 2021 at 12:24 PM
  #49
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I don't think so. I don't perceive it as some version of me. If I do the things I described I feel like "me". There is no other scenario. Even when I'm broken, it's still the "tough guy" who's just currently down.
Well, considering what you shared you had to create your own coat of armor. And it's that maintaining your sense of control so you never have to experience how you could not control how others bullied you and the inadequate feeling you experienced from that. I suspect that your sense of "positive" feed comes from out doing anyone you percieve as those who attacked your sense of self worth. That would not include anyone that is capable of being hurt like you were.

There is a spectrum when it comes to narcissism and those that are npd are only interested in power and look to see whatever can be their own idea of a win. So, it's typically all transactional and it's easier if things can be considered objects as that tends to reduce emotional stress. I have seen a lot of that in the competitive horse world where what matters most is performance and the win.

Last edited by Open Eyes; Jan 26, 2021 at 02:01 PM..
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Default Jan 26, 2021 at 05:12 PM
  #50
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MisterPaul, I'm CPTSD, but the things you've said really remind me of the sub-personalty I've used in the past.

It takes over when I'm at my most desperate.

This is not the same as Dissociative Identity Disorder, as I remain in charge (and don't 'lose time', etc).

This sub-personality doesn't care about anything! She's extremely tough, and has started arguments with complete strangers, been incredibly rude to people she thinks are taking advantage, publicly confronted a man who kept staring at us (not just shouting at the guy, but also striding up and down in front of him afterwards, to compound his humiliation), and so on.

I used to love her, as she saved my life during some life-threateningly difficult times. These things do have a place, or we wouldn't create them.

But I can see now that I/she wasn't really being strong. The existence of a sub-personality means we have some vital part of our own personality missing. In my case, I wasn't able to express anger. I wonder if something similar is happening with you?
Good post. Respect to all


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Default Jan 27, 2021 at 01:16 PM
  #51
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There is much more to it than that. You have no idea how many times being callous, pragmatic, and ruthless benefited me. Sure, these are the dark traits, but at the same time they are extremely effective when it comes to challenges in life. They get you the results you want – almost every time. I love it because it’s powerful and I’m very attracted to power.
So you would rather be the bully then be bullied.
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Default Jan 27, 2021 at 01:25 PM
  #52
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So you would rather be the bully then be bullied.
I've been bullied for years. It's time to turn over the table. The only difference is I don't bully weak, harmless people. I bully overconfident ***** who think they own the world because of how cool they are.

Last edited by bluekoi; Jan 29, 2021 at 08:11 PM.. Reason: Profanity edit.
 
 
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Default Jan 27, 2021 at 02:48 PM
  #53
That's a lot of anger, only time for that and no love or closeness with others. It can be lonely at the top and next thing you know YOU are the very kind of person you hate, "the bad guy". And it's just too black and white as you don't even know the things a person had to overcome to get whatever they have.

If you focus on the things that are not present in another person and just deem them "bad" you are only seeing things in black and white when there definitely is much more than that.

These individuals that bullied you were still young and shallow and lacking in the ability to see others in a way that can appreciate the other person instead of standing in judgement of. Sadly, much of that is learned behavior often from what someone sees in a parent.

Sadly, narcissistic individuals tend to always look for the fault in others instead of having the ability to understand that what they consider a fault simply may be something another person genuinely lacks and has been working on trying to overcome or just working around whatever their lack may be.

What I felt was so sad about what the individual shared with me that was an admitted malignant narcissist was how he literally carried that hurt child in him ALWAYS looking to give that child all the power.

What I find sad about individuals that are narcissistic is how nothing ever seems to be good enough for them. That's what saddened me about my father who had a lot of narcissistic traits. It saddened me to watch how my mother paid for that all her life too. My mother paid for the fact that my father's mother abandoned her own children. It was during a time where if abuse was so bad there was no help and some women literally ran away. I learned my father's father was a mean alcoholic. At times my father was too black and white and we all suffered for it. I loved him, but at the same time there were things he could not see that hurt me.

So, you have decided to protect that part of you that was hurt and punish anyone you think is the kind of person that caused that injury to happen?

Last edited by Open Eyes; Jan 27, 2021 at 03:29 PM..
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Default Jan 27, 2021 at 03:08 PM
  #54
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That's a lot of anger, only time for that and no love or closeness with others. It can be lonely at the top and next thing you know YOU are the very kind of person you hate, "the bad guy". And it's just too black and white as you don't even know the things a person had to overcome to get whatever they have.
Wrong. I'm an observant. I don't do anything untill I gather my "intel". I listen very carefully to what the person says and I watch closely what the person does. When I see signs of what I hate, I label that individual as "the target".

You're right, there is no love. But that's not something new. When I was on my back in the deepest hole in the world the only person who "helped" me was my mum. She said: "It is what it is, ignore them (bullies), don't be so sensitive". And that was it. She is the only person who did something (kicking me in the face). Enough of sob stories.

However, don't blame me for my way of thinking. I don't believe in love. I believe in power of revenge though. And yeah, I'm not so sensitive anymore
 
 
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Default Jan 27, 2021 at 03:15 PM
  #55
For the record, the signs are:

- speaking about one's sexual adventures as if the person was collecting throphies

- making fun of disabled, weak people,

- bragging about how powerful one is,

- speaking about one's partner/family with no respect,

... I don't have a list. There is more but you get the point.
 
 
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Default Jan 27, 2021 at 04:14 PM
  #56
Oh, look, my kind of thread Used to be at any rate.

Kind of agree, feelings can s*ck, as my most recent run-in with panic attacks prove.

You can change though, I am certain. I changed. My situation was less sustainable than yours though, I had some rather intense dark urges and I in no way would go back to that, panic attacks or no. At least now I can live. I might need help (remains to be seen), but this is more sustainable if also more painful. Note my feelings are more of a side-effect of my self-therapy. Not sure they were a goal at the beginning. Mind you, they do add flavour to life and I am looking forward to exploring the positive aspects. I hope I can manage to do so without falling apart..

SO, entirely up to you which path to walk upon, imho...
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Default Jan 27, 2021 at 04:16 PM
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I'm sorry that you are quitting therapy. Seems like admiration and attention are what you want and seek the most. It's disheartening - my husband promised he would go to therapy himself, but this gives me no hope that he ever would gain anything out of it.
He can, rest assured, but it may not be very likely, because it is one hell of road and he may not have much if any motivation to walk it.
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Default Jan 27, 2021 at 04:16 PM
  #58
Well, just so you know usually when someone brags about conquests all they are good at is typically manipulating yet when it comes to performance they are just plain miserable and sexually selfish. This can be male or female.

Making fun of disabled or weak people tends to stem from the feeling of awkwardness and not being able to feel it's fixable or useful. Again, tends to be short sighted and a feeling of discomfort and inability to see beyond these challenges and focus on the strengths in someone despite these challenges.

Bragging typically reflects how someone has to be appreciated in order to feel important.

It's often reflecting a need to feel entitled and be serviced the way that person requires of others. If one is not serviced the way they desire then the other person is deemed bad, failure, inadequate, disrespectful and things went wrong because of the other person's failure.
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Default Jan 27, 2021 at 04:26 PM
  #59
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Well, just so you know usually when someone brags about conquests all they are good at is typically manipulating yet when it comes to performance they are just plain miserable and sexually selfish. This can be male or female.

Making fun of disabled or weak people tends to stem from the feeling of awkwardness and not being able to feel it's fixable or useful. Again, tends to be short sighted and a feeling of discomfort and inability to see beyond these challenges and focus on the strengths in someone despite these challenges.

Bragging typically reflects how someone has to be appreciated in order to feel important.

It's often reflecting a need to feel entitled and be serviced the way that person requires of others. If one is not serviced the way they desire then the other person is deemed bad, failure, inadequate, disrespectful and things went wrong because of the other person's failure.
Thank you. I'm aware of those dynamics. That's why I know how to hit them where it hurts.
 
 
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Default Jan 27, 2021 at 05:44 PM
  #60
Idk MisterPaul, I fear that when you get older you will look at things differently than you do now. You are still so fresh from the hurts caused by your piers that did not have the ability to understand a lot of things and that age group tends to be on the insecure narcissistic side.
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