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DazedandConfused254
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DazedandConfused254 On hiatus from MSF, except for PMs
 
Member Since: Jul 2017
Location: Coahulia y Tejas
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Default Jan 04, 2021 at 12:09 PM
  #1
This is something I’ve talked about in previous posts but after receiving helpful posts over how important it is to prioritize my mental health over blindly following obligations from family, I’m starting to rethink the relationship that I have with most of my dad’s side of the family.

This all began with the current resentment toward my cousins, whose only purpose in life is to cause problems. My second older cousin a couple of years ago I unfollowed on social media because of his profanity laced tirade against Brett Kavanaugh, and then the oldest one, the former’s older brother, turned uncivil to their mother when this year’s elections rolled around. Thankfully I didn’t have to see my dad’s side of the family this Christmas because of the pandemic and nobody was in a good position to see each other anyway. Even though these cousins have never been nasty to me and in fact have occasionally shown thoughtful actions toward me, they’ve been increasingly distant these past few years. Before we all agreed to not do each other gifts or see each other at Christmas, I worried myself raw about being in a situation where they were involved. My other cousins also embody everything that’s annoying and messed up about my generation. They are also political, and often show a lack of basic etiquette. They usually play with their phones the entire time family members come into town and never say thank you for birthday or Christmas gifts.

My two aunts are a couple of my closer family members, and I confide with them on a number of occasions since they don’t engage in the same behavior as their children, but after discovering recently that the aunt who’s mother of the two older cousins shows codependent traits, the other side of that coin, I’m feeling they just as low down as their children. The selfish side of my family came out my dad had to do all the work with planning for a high risk trip with these two sisters of his to see their elderly uncle on his birthday last October. This wasn’t our first time getting stymied to make plans. They always want to include us in Christmas plans every year, but they often make their own plans without including us in the mix first. This was especially frustrating to my dad, because he wanted to organize a sentimental get-together this year since this was the first holiday without their mother. Dad’s family went to a beach house and travelled the entire holiday while Covid cases spiked, so even with the recent agreement not to include every single person in the family this Christmas, it was impossible to see them anyway.

The tipping point for me was when my cousins got political and we didn’t have plans yet, I wanted to protect my space by opening up my non-desire to see my family this year if my cousins were involved to make things more tense, but dad balked about my desire to uphold my boundaries. And even with all this going on, he still wants to engage with all his family and share gifts, even though obviously it seems fruitless. So now all my paternal side of the family is selfish with all their positive qualities are negated, making me lose interest in engaging with them to involve myself in their drama.

Is it time for me call it quits with my relationship and affections with my dad’s side of the family? Or at least minimize my interactions with them?

If I was to set boundaries with this family, especially with politics or on the occasion I don’t want to participate in a family event due to my current anxiety with them, could you guys be able to share some example phrases setting boundaries?

Thank you guys and happy new year!!

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DX'd Moderate GAD and depression in April 2021. But it is only a part of me, not defining me.

"If you can dream it you can do it!" ~ Walt Disney
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MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky My echo is the only voice coming back
 
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Default Jan 04, 2021 at 04:37 PM
  #2
First of all, So Sorry for your Loss and Happy New Year to you! The decision of whether or not you want to engage with them is ultimately up to you. If you feel like there is no chance of things improving then perhaps it would be best to see them as little as possible, perhaps only around holidays and such. i'd suggest to discuss this with your father and let him know that you're feeling frustrated about ALL of this. Make your voice heard. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @DazedandConfused254, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Hulalady1992
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Member Since: Feb 2021
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Default Feb 07, 2021 at 09:34 PM
  #3
This almost sounds like my mother's side of the family. The only difference is some of my maternal relatives are nasty towards me. These same people never cared for me either. Even my maternal half sister was nasty to me too and she abused me when we were kids. Anyway, I would suggest you set boundaries with them. If they're so toxic to the point where you can't be around them anymore, then cut these people loose. Tell them why you did it. They'll get the message sooner or later. Some may try to reach out to you, but it's best to ignore them.
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