Is my family toxic? Or I'm just being silly

What is a healthy family, really?
How about your family?

I'm 22 years old. I don't have a father since I was born, he left my mom and older sister. He died when I was in high school, I had mixed emotions because of it. I've always lived with my grandparents, along with my sister and mother. My uncle is also there. And every Saturday my aunt's family (her, my other uncle, three cousins around the same age) always come to see my grandparents.

My uncle is really cold and quiet. We don't usually talk, he's just hanging around from work and often gets mad when things piss him off, nobody wants to deal with him when that happens.
My grandparents on the other hand are really caring, but protective. And they're really old so my mom, sister, and I have to cater to them a lot and I get exhausted these days, I can't even go to work, and would close my room and cry/look at my walls.
My mom and sister always fight, mom is actually emotionally unavailable since I was young, whenever I feel something and talk to her it's like she's always on the opposing side and doesn't seem to understand me. She sometimes says I'm "too emotional". She's preoccupied with work, my sister's problem, and these days my grandparents.
My sister on the other always speaks her mind even using harsh words, she often breaks through my boundaries and I have to lock my door so that she doesn't enter my room or share too much and too long about her problems I mean, she can actually complain to me the same thing every day for hours and repeat the very same day. It's been 7 years.

My aunt's family is also really cold. When they come to my house we usually end up talking badly and laugh about other family members (i usually keep silent), and the amount of sarcasm... Oh, God. Even though they laugh a lot, they are the most unpleasant ones to be around honestly. I always feel threatened when they're around, it's like I can be belittled any moment if I do any wrong things. And they like to order me around not asking about my condition/feelings.

Is that what having a 'family' feel like? Is it normal? In these covid months, I can't go out so I feel miserable. How about your family? What is a healthy family?

No that is not how a family is or should be. Do you have friends? Sometimes our friends become our family.

I do not know too, how the healthy family should be. But reading how you describe your family, I have to agree that they are toxic. Is it possible for you to move out and live on your own after the pandemic end?

What you said about how your mom is always on the other side, and how you are sure how your mean joking family would tear you to shreds too, I totally relate to and you are the first one here to articulate that (I hadn’t to myself).

Have you read about Childhood Emotional Neglect?
Also, there are many psychological articles to read on ‘what is a healthy relationship, family or any other’. No, yours is not healthy. The fact you sound so alone and cry tells you something isn’t right.

Identifying and learning about it is a good step to start your journey of self care.

First of all, i am So Sorry for your Loss! i must agree with the other wise posters that this doesn't seem like an healthy Family. Is it possible for you to move out and go live with someone else, such as some Friends or other people whom you trust? Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Chocopiano27, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

I actually have trust issues with close friends (I have PTSD because I've been bullied) so it's kinda hard to feel comfortable around them, and I've been really isolating myself because of the pandemic (I live with my grandparents..). fortunately, it's not a problem for relationship, but currently LDR :')

That has been my goal since I've just graduated! I live in southeast Asia where it's typical to live with your parents even when you're an adult, so it's going to be hard to convince them (I'd feel bad if I suddenly ran away from home without explanation though)

Hope this year I'll be financially independent at least be able to pay my own monthly expense, I'm looking forward to it

I've read a few, though I still want to know some examples from real people, it's just hard to believe that my family is 'that' toxic, i mean.. It's just hard to believe those who I'm usually living with and those who said they love me are actually not good for me.

But yes, you're right there is something wrong if I cry and feel so alone. Though sometimes my mind tells me that I'm just feeling 'temporarily fatigued' so there shouldn't be anything wrong.

I just kinda want examples from other people so I can compare the experience of this 'good' and 'bad' families

Saying that they love you, and acting like they love you, are two different things.

My mother said that she loved me, and it is possible that she did love me in her self-centered way. I was most "loved" when I was getting good degrees, good jobs, etc., things that made her look good, so she could brag about me and feel like she was a successful mother. I wasn't loved for just myself, who I am, mostly she didn't approve of who I am, to the extent that she even knew who I was.

Haha one time she and one of my high school teachers agreed that Bill "knows what he wants", and I marveled at how little they both knew of me.

I think that if someone loves you in a meaningful way then they accept you and welcome you as you are, attend to you, take your wishes into account, act in kind and loving ways to you.

So to me it is quite possible for someone to claim that they love you, and also be harmful to you. My mother was a good example of that.

Great post Bill

First I want to say I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. It must be frustrating:/ second, I would say it IS normal, but not ideal. People always say everyone has a dysfunctional family but the kinddd of dysfunction is different. Unfortunately in todays age where many people come from broken homes, it is considered normal at least in my opinion. You’d like to think that everyone has a family where parents never get divorced or seperate, everyone lives together, gets along and lives well into old age etc. but i feel like that is very rare. Many families have drama, secrets, unfinished business and with covid it’s only exacerbating it all with everyone being cooped up at home with one another..