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Old 01-13-2021, 10:46 PM   #11
Bill3
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Default Re: Chasing a friendship that is one-sided - embarrassing

I would like to offer a different perspective.

She has spent an enormous amount of time with you, I gather. She has been there for you, you have been there for each other. She seems willing to spend time and be vulnerable, open with you, she even says that she loves you. These things make me wonder whether she intends to blow you off.

With regard to her never contacting you first: as an older person myself, I can share with you that I am reluctant to initiate contact with someone much younger than me. We can have many great conversations but I am still reluctant. I figure, rightly or wrongly, that I don't want to intrude, I don't want to make a younger person feel like they have to talk with me, I figure that they have a life and if they are interested in speaking to me they will let me know.

Have you spoken to her about it? If not, what do you think about that idea?
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Old 01-14-2021, 08:09 AM   #12
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Default Re: Chasing a friendship that is one-sided - embarrassing

Hey @Have Hope I wonder if you feel its worth it to be straight with her in a gentle way and ask her about it? I dont mean like "why dont you call me or return my calls?" I mean more along the lines of, "have you been busy lately I was hoping to hear from you..." I guess maybe that would be weird. I personally am direct-even blunt and not many people are. In the past I have asked someone directly if our friendship was as deep as I felt it was. I have done this three times actually. With the first person she said it wasnt that we werent friends it was just that she had a lot going on and wasnt able to reciprocate in the way she felt I wanted. I let that friendship fizzle. With the second friend she flipped out and told me I was accusing her of not being a good friend and projected a ton of BS onto me. Her reaction was over the top and it made it easy for me to let it fizzle. With the third friend she just told me she was like that with all her friends- close ones and others and that I shouldnt take it personally. Of course I took it personally and it was a good thing because it showed where I stand.

I can appreciate that this is something that I tend to do and you might not be comfortable with. I just feel you are sort of "owed" not really an explanation but more so an understanding of the friendship and if its worth it to go forward with it.
This is sort of a convoluted post but its what came to mind.
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Old 01-14-2021, 09:02 AM   #13
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Default Re: Chasing a friendship that is one-sided - embarrassing

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bill3 View Post
I would like to offer a different perspective.

She has spent an enormous amount of time with you, I gather. She has been there for you, you have been there for each other. She seems willing to spend time and be vulnerable, open with you, she even says that she loves you. These things make me wonder whether she intends to blow you off.

With regard to her never contacting you first: as an older person myself, I can share with you that I am reluctant to initiate contact with someone much younger than me. We can have many great conversations but I am still reluctant. I figure, rightly or wrongly, that I don't want to intrude, I don't want to make a younger person feel like they have to talk with me, I figure that they have a life and if they are interested in speaking to me they will let me know.

Have you spoken to her about it? If not, what do you think about that idea?
Thanks, @Bill3. I appreciate the different perspective.

I don't know how I feel about broaching the subject with her. It feels uncomfortable to do so, and I don't want to put her on the spot or make her feel obligated to me and then uncomfortable.

She did not spend an enormous amount of time speaking with me about my marriage during the last year. We probably had a total of 4-5 different calls that were somewhat lengthy. She's been a source of strength and wisdom for me. She was counseling me to leave the marriage.

It just feels so strange that to me that not once has she reached out to me to ask if I am OK.
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Old 01-14-2021, 09:04 AM   #14
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Default Re: Chasing a friendship that is one-sided - embarrassing

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Hey @Have Hope I wonder if you feel its worth it to be straight with her in a gentle way and ask her about it? I dont mean like "why dont you call me or return my calls?" I mean more along the lines of, "have you been busy lately I was hoping to hear from you..." I guess maybe that would be weird. I personally am direct-even blunt and not many people are. In the past I have asked someone directly if our friendship was as deep as I felt it was. I have done this three times actually. With the first person she said it wasnt that we werent friends it was just that she had a lot going on and wasnt able to reciprocate in the way she felt I wanted. I let that friendship fizzle. With the second friend she flipped out and told me I was accusing her of not being a good friend and projected a ton of BS onto me. Her reaction was over the top and it made it easy for me to let it fizzle. With the third friend she just told me she was like that with all her friends- close ones and others and that I shouldnt take it personally. Of course I took it personally and it was a good thing because it showed where I stand.

I can appreciate that this is something that I tend to do and you might not be comfortable with. I just feel you are sort of "owed" not really an explanation but more so an understanding of the friendship and if its worth it to go forward with it.
This is sort of a convoluted post but its what came to mind.
Thanks @sarahsweets!

I appreciate your input.

I was just writing to Bill that I don't wish to make her feel uncomfortable or obligated to me, and I don't want to put her on the spot. But like I wrote above to Bill, it is very odd that she hasn't reached out to see if I am Ok or to even ask how I am doing through the divorce. It's hurtful for me, especially after several lengthy conversations about the marriage and the abuse I am experiencing.
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Old 01-14-2021, 12:39 PM   #15
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Default Re: Chasing a friendship that is one-sided - embarrassing

Hope you're feeling a bit better, Have Hope

I'm usually a big fan of honesty, but - as you say - you don't want to put her on the spot. I have been in that position after moving to a new (but nearby) town. One neighbour / friend was very insistent that we should keep in touch! Her assertiveness on the matter really put me off!

The rules of engagement for all relationships are that both people are equally into it.

Your acquaintance might have: no time / no head space / enough friends already / a time-consuming project (or something they plan to start) / a recent unpleasant experience with someone else they befriended / a secret affair ongoing / a major life-change in mind / a concern about the age difference / MH issues or conditions / a strong attachment to their daily and weekly routines...

There are hundreds of possibilities...

She's holding back from taking things further, for whatever reason, and it's best to respect that.

The last one in that list is a big thing for me, enjoying my routines. And the ongoing project (I love writing).

My former neighbour said things like, 'It's just an hour'. But it was none of her business what I did with my Saturdays, or my Friday evenings, and I resented having to explain myself.

I hope that gives you a little more clarity, as you decide what to do in relation to this woman. I really am very sorry that you feel hurt!
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Old 01-14-2021, 04:34 PM   #16
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Default Re: Chasing a friendship that is one-sided - embarrassing

Quote:
Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue View Post
Hope you're feeling a bit better, Have Hope

I'm usually a big fan of honesty, but - as you say - you don't want to put her on the spot. I have been in that position after moving to a new (but nearby) town. One neighbour / friend was very insistent that we should keep in touch! Her assertiveness on the matter really put me off!

The rules of engagement for all relationships are that both people are equally into it.

Your acquaintance might have: no time / no head space / enough friends already / a time-consuming project (or something they plan to start) / a recent unpleasant experience with someone else they befriended / a secret affair ongoing / a major life-change in mind / a concern about the age difference / MH issues or conditions / a strong attachment to their daily and weekly routines...

There are hundreds of possibilities...

She's holding back from taking things further, for whatever reason, and it's best to respect that.

The last one in that list is a big thing for me, enjoying my routines. And the ongoing project (I love writing).

My former neighbour said things like, 'It's just an hour'. But it was none of her business what I did with my Saturdays, or my Friday evenings, and I resented having to explain myself.

I hope that gives you a little more clarity, as you decide what to do in relation to this woman. I really am very sorry that you feel hurt!
Thanks @Purple,Violet,Blue!

That's exactly why I don't want to aggressively pursue her or ask her about it. I'll give her space... I did buy concert tix for us for May, but that's a long ways away.

The whole thing is a big puzzle to me. She says she loves me and seems to care, but her actions say the opposite.
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Old 01-14-2021, 05:55 PM   #17
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Default Re: Chasing a friendship that is one-sided - embarrassing

I'd like to offer another perspective, and I admit it may be way off the mark.
You have been going thru a tough time the last while and if every time you communicate or get together it is about your problems/divorce/unemployment etc, it can be very draining to another. They don't leave after your time spent together uplifted.

I would suggest leaving that baggage for another time, and talk about joyful or uplifting things. Spirituality, music, books, movies or any of the other things you enjoy.
I've read posts where you talk about some of these things. It will make your time together lighter on both you and her.

I apologize if you find my reply offensive, I just wanted to point it out. I myself have no problems being there for my dearest friends as they go thru trials or tribulations. These friendships are on the whole very balanced. They in turn are there for me when I have needed them.

However, if I had a friend who used me just to make themselves feel better, they wouldn't be around long. I would feel very used. I guess in a nutshell, I am saying don't always use your friends (especially new friends) as a therapist. And I'm not saying you are doing this, it's just something to be aware of.
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Old 01-14-2021, 06:07 PM   #18
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Default Re: Chasing a friendship that is one-sided - embarrassing

@RockyRoad007, I don't do that. And yes, it's very presumptuous of you to assume that's how I am with my friends. I am not. I talk about other things other than my problems.

Now, that being said, I may have done that with this particular woman. But only her.
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Old 01-15-2021, 06:51 AM   #19
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Default Re: Chasing a friendship that is one-sided - embarrassing

@RockyRoad007, I guess upon further thought, my husband and marriage have been the focal point of many of my conversations with this woman. It hasn't been the entire focus - she and I have had many different conversations involving other topics whenever I've run into her while out for music or when I've have seen her at parties. That being said, I have leaned on her quite a bit about the abuse I've experienced in my marriage, and perhaps that's what's keeping her at bay.

I apologize for my more curt response earlier. I had to re-read your post, and I know you mean well and wish to help. I thank you for offering a different perspective and for making me reflect further upon my interactions with this one woman.

Perhaps I have looked to her too much as a pseudo therapist. I feel ashamed of myself and embarrassed. I have definitely reached out though at other times just to say hello and to see how SHE is doing. But perhaps my leaning on her as much as I have has turned her away from me.
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