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Hiker2019
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Default Jan 09, 2021 at 03:32 AM
  #1
I've been in a relationship for my partner for 6 years now. My issue is that he's truly paralyzed when it comes to going into public due to COVID. He also lives with me in the house I bought. My biggest fault is not speaking my mind enough and being too nice. We started counseling for his COVID fear, but all it's done is made me finally see clearly that he's not the one for me. BUT, bc im too nice, I feel like I can't tell him to leave admist COVID due to his OCD. I still love and respect him, so i don't want to harm his mental health more than it is. It will most definitely be a very difficult break up. I tried about a lil over a yr ago and he threatened to kill himself!! I just feel so stuck.
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Default Jan 09, 2021 at 04:21 AM
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I tried about a lil over a yr ago and he threatened to kill himself!
You do not belong to him. He has no right to blackmail you in such pathetic way. Sometimes in life you must be the "bad guy". Do what's best for you. You owe him nothing.
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Default Jan 09, 2021 at 04:45 AM
  #3
Sounds like you are in a difficult situation? It is your house and your rules, maybe he will do what he can to accommodate your needs. If he cares for you, he would. Does he have any idea you want him to leave? Do you think it would be possible for you to be friends so you don’t break his heart?
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Default Jan 09, 2021 at 05:50 AM
  #4
Him threatening to kill himself is emotional blackmail. You are being held hostage in your home because you're afraid of what it will do to his mental health. That is not fair to you whatsoever. He's responsible for the state of his mental health, not you, and you deserve to be able to break up with him as you please. It's also your right to ask him to leave. Don't allow him to stay because you're afraid - you will continue to be a hostage within the relationship. IF he threatens suicide again, tell him to call 911 or a suicide hotline. I would, if it were me, simply explain to him that the relationship is over and that you want him to move out. You can be nice through the breakup, but his life and his problems are HIS responsibility, not yours.

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Default Jan 09, 2021 at 08:02 AM
  #5
I am sorry. Was he actually diagnosed with OCD or it’s a self diagnosis . He needs proper diagnosis. My husband has severe OCD but he is a great husband and productive member of society. He does have to be on low dose meds, he has to finally do it as being off meds was making his life hard. Now your partner has to take charge of his health. He isn’t a child and you can’t be the one guiding it. He has to take charge

Having said that if you don’t want to be with him you have rights to end it. You don’t need to throw him out today. He could be given time to get his act together. But there is no reason for people to stay in a relationship if they don’t want to be or if the person isn’t right for them. Life is too short
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Default Jan 09, 2021 at 01:54 PM
  #6
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Originally Posted by Hiker2019 View Post
I've been in a relationship for my partner for 6 years now. My issue is that he's truly paralyzed when it comes to going into public due to COVID. He also lives with me in the house I bought. My biggest fault is not speaking my mind enough and being too nice. We started counseling for his COVID fear, but all it's done is made me finally see clearly that he's not the one for me. BUT, bc im too nice, I feel like I can't tell him to leave admist COVID due to his OCD. I still love and respect him, so i don't want to harm his mental health more than it is. It will most definitely be a very difficult break up. I tried about a lil over a yr ago and he threatened to kill himself!! I just feel so stuck.
I'm confused at your love statement.. you tell us that this person isn't the one for you, but you still love him? Anyways you're not his wife and hes not your husband. You're not responsible for taking care of him. Hes a full grown man, and he should be taking care of himself.. I think it's rather immature of him to use the suicide threat to keep you mentally locked up. Hes clearly blackmailing you with this threat, and that is NOT love at all. I would muster up the courage to tell him to leave your house, and finalized the breakup. If he starts using the suicide as a threat... call 911 and report the suicide threat to law enforcement. They will take him to the hospital to get treatment.
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Default Jan 09, 2021 at 02:32 PM
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I'm confused at your love statement.. you tell us that this person isn't the one for you, but you still love him? Anyways you're not his wife and hes not your husband. You're not responsible for taking care of him. Hes a full grown man, and he should be taking care of himself.. I think it's rather immature of him to use the suicide threat to keep you mentally locked up. Hes clearly blackmailing you with this threat, and that is NOT love at all. I would muster up the courage to tell him to leave your house, and finalized the breakup. If he starts using the suicide as a threat... call 911 and report the suicide threat to law enforcement. They will take him to the hospital to get treatment.
She might love him but relationship with him isn’t the kind of relationship she wants. It’s not uncommon to love someone but find them unsuitable long term partner (not compatible life styles, substance abuse, they don’t treat you right etc).

I agree with you that if he is suicidal, calling an ambulance might be the best move
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Default Jan 09, 2021 at 03:39 PM
  #8
Sometimes you just have to get tough! He’s using your niceness against you to get what he wants, and has guilted you into being his hostage rather than a loved partner. I get that you care for him, but his illness is his responsibility. If he threatens to kill himself, you can call the police - he will either get the help he needs or suffer the consequences of trying to manipulate you into staying with him. You’re not responsible for the choices he makes!
And who knows how much longer the pandemic is going to last? I agree, he doesn’t necessarily need to leave immediately, but agree on a deadline if you can, and make a plan for that time, including what you will do if he starts refusing to leave etc.

My last ex threatened to start harming himself again when I was breaking up with him (I had also been delaying the breakup because he’d told me how depressed etc he’d been after his last girlfriend left him... red flag I didn’t see for what it was at the time...). I still broke up with him. I’m pretty sure he didn’t harm himself. He seemed ok, just tired the next time I saw him. It was basically an attempted guilt trip to try and stop me leaving him.
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Default Jan 09, 2021 at 03:54 PM
  #9
Sadly threatening suicide or self harm is a very very common way for spouses for keeping the other one from leaving. I know number of people who have to deal with it. My coworker is dealing with it now, I have friends who dealt with it etc it often does make people stay out of fear, so disturbing. People do crazy things keeping their partners from leaving: lie, manipulate, threaten. Why would they want someone to stay on this kind of premise?
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Default Jan 09, 2021 at 09:24 PM
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She might love him but relationship with him isn’t the kind of relationship she wants. It’s not uncommon to love someone but find them unsuitable long term partner (not compatible life styles, substance abuse, they don’t treat you right etc).

I agree with you that if he is suicidal, calling an ambulance might be the best move

Sorry I don't understand that logic... if you're wanting to end the relationship then the love is no longer there. Why love someone and want to break up with them? If you truly do love the person then you would want to stay with that person. That's just my interpretation on love.
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Default Jan 09, 2021 at 10:41 PM
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Sorry I don't understand that logic... if you're wanting to end the relationship then the love is no longer there. Why love someone and want to break up with them? If you truly do love the person then you would want to stay with that person. That's just my interpretation on love.
Love doesn’t conquer all.

I left my ex significant other because he drank. I didn’t have any other reasons. I don’t drink and it’s just not my life style, I didn’t want to marry him because of that. He did try to quit, but addictions are hard to beat, he would relapse every time. He was high functioning alcoholic so he wasn’t having troubles at work or anything but addiction is hard to handle. I didn’t want to deal with it anymore. It’s probably not wise to even start relationships with unsuitable partners but we all make mistakes. I honestly didn’t know much about it because we aren’t drinkers in my family so I was clueless what was happening. Plus addiction escalates. What was ok in the beginning wasn’t ok later

If I stayed I’d never meet my husband and never had a happy marriage I have. I’d be still with an addict because supposedly people have to stay for love. Nope I moved on and glad I did. It’s not all black and white.

OP described his life style and its just hard to handle. He hasn’t left the house since March. It’s her house. They aren’t even married. She doesn’t need to put up with this. But it doesn’t mean she can’t feel love for him. Love is complex. Some people say it never goes away, just changes the form. Heck we might feel the kind of love we feel for family and friends. Might not even be romantic
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Default Jan 10, 2021 at 03:20 AM
  #12
Thank you ALL for your words of courage and wisdom. 😁🥰 Divine has it right in my case, we've been together for 6 years, that's not nothing. I have love for all my friends, and hopefully he will remain one too, with love. I'm not in love anymore however. It's SO HARD to be the tough guy though. I know he is in charge of his own life but it truly seems I'm his only support system right now. He's also in rocky waters with his friends due to some of the same behaviors I struggle with. I think treatment will help but he doesn't think so, bc he says, 'this is who I am,' not fully accepting of the OCD ( officially since last year). he simply can't/ doesn't see how miserable I am tho, despite our counseling. 😥 It will be hard, I don't know when to do it.
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Default Jan 11, 2021 at 06:29 AM
  #13
You have a good heart, and you're trying to be kind. You can still be kind and also break up with him. I liked the idea that some posters suggested of giving him a timeframe to leave and move out. Since he's in rocky waters with his friends, it's still not your problem and not your responsibility. That's on his shoulders. Never feel guilty for taking care of yourself - do what's right by YOU and you're not in love anymore. What other option is there? To stay in a relationship and hurt yourself further because you feel guilty and sorry for him? That's not fair to YOU.

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Default Jan 12, 2021 at 11:46 AM
  #14
Wow, he is trying to tie you to him by threatening to kill himself?? That says it all. He needs medical and/or mental health help & if he is not willing to do that then that is *his* call and his decision. You don't need to cater to this type of behaviour.

He is not a child anymore and every human being has to take responsibility for their own lives. He is playing games and being very manipulative. Childishly so.

He needs a reality check.
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Default Jan 13, 2021 at 02:04 AM
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Sorry I don't understand that logic... if you're wanting to end the relationship then the love is no longer there. Why love someone and want to break up with them? If you truly do love the person then you would want to stay with that person. That's just my interpretation on love.
There are many many people who still love someone and cant be with them. There are instances of abused people needing to leave and leaving and having is leave a very large hole in their heart. Many people in the OP's position still love someone because of what used to be or might have been. If my husband went out tomorrow and cheated on me I would be angry and divorce him. But I would not instantly not love him.

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Default Jan 13, 2021 at 02:09 AM
  #16
Hey @Hiker2019 you need to ask him to leave of course. Even if you own the house and all that you need to give him proper notice. He has been staying there 6 years and has probably received mail there so that legally makes him a "resident" similar to a tennet. So google the laws but Im almost positive you will have to "serve" him or provide him with a written letter informing him he has 30 days to leave. Contact your local landlord/tennet court or google it. The last thing you need is an angry hurt person figuring out you didnt do it the right way and using the law against you. Once you know the laws and you give him notice I believe you can contact the police and have him removed. I dont know if your notice needs to be filed in court but it may have to be. I know this is a lot of work but the alternative is misery right?

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