advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Have Hope
Wise Elder
 
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
3,617 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 19, 2021 at 05:25 AM
  #1
I just wrote off two long term friendships with two females, realizing that they are both fair weather friends. Fair weather friends are not friends I wish to keep around.

I am going through one of the most difficult and trying times of my entire life, and neither one of them have lifted a finger to be there for me, even though I had communicated this to them.

One female moved across country over a year ago. I have been the only one initiating contact between us throughout the year. Not once has she reached out to see how I am doing or to connect with me.

After the news about my ex fiance passing and after all I described to her that I am going through, all she could say to me was "this too shall pass" - very glib and cliche. So, I told her I will not be in touch anymore.

The other friend I met on a different MH forum many years back. We used to be in touch a lot more, but over recent years, she's been more lackadaisical and unresponsive. We communicate on Skype mainly and she'll often take a week or two to reply to my messages.

I had seen that she was online within the past 18 hours, so she must have seen or read my message about my ex fiance passing. No reply. That was it - I had had it. This had gone on for several years and I had even told her at one point that perhaps we should stop communicating. She begged me to remain friends, so I did - but to my own detriment. So I deleted her from my Skype.

I don't need these kinds of friends in my life. I have plenty of other close friends who have been there for me through this dark period of my life - even newer friends have shown me greater care than these two women have.

As the saying goes, you truly learn who your real friends are when you're going through rough times. Those are the kinds of friends I wish to keep.

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Have Hope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Bill3, RoxanneToto

advertisement
Rincewind
Member
Rincewind has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2020
Location: nowhere
Posts: 27
3 yr Member
13 hugs
given
Default Jan 19, 2021 at 05:37 AM
  #2
Sorry to hear that you've been going through such times It's always sad when friends drift away or refuse to support us in times of need. But the thing with online-only friends is that you can never really know why they stopped responding or became more distant.

Hope you'll get all the support you need to get through the difficult times.

__________________
“Rincewind rather enjoyed times like this. They convinced him that he wasn’t mad because, if he was mad, that left no word at all to describe some of the people he met.” ― Terry Pratchett, Sourcery
Rincewind is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Have Hope
Have Hope
Wise Elder
 
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
3,617 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 19, 2021 at 05:42 AM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rincewind View Post
Sorry to hear that you've been going through such times It's always sad when friends drift away or refuse to support us in times of need. But the thing with online-only friends is that you can never really know why they stopped responding or became more distant.

Hope you'll get all the support you need to get through the difficult times.

@Rincewind, thank you.

My online-only friend though had begged me to remain friends and had promised she would be in closer touch. Then when I saw that she had been online yet did not reply to my message? That was it - my patience had run thin at this point.

And my other girlfriend? She became a big whig in her career and very full of herself as a result. I suppose that me going through seriously rough times just wasn't going to fit into her big fast lane life anymore. She became too big for her britches, so to speak.

It's very sad, but I refuse to keep around friends who are hurting me.

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Have Hope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
RoxanneToto
Grand Poohbah
RoxanneToto has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2020
Location: England
Posts: 1,692
3 yr Member
6,991 hugs
given
Default Jan 19, 2021 at 08:34 AM
  #4
It’s always disappointing to learn who isn’t really there for you and I’m sorry you had to cut them out. It will hurt but I think you will likely end up feeling better without them. I certainly hope so!
My ex friend (the one who didn’t talk to me for 7 months) told me she’d been worried something bad had happened to me /my mum - but never tried asking in all that time. I know if I’m concerned about someone I’ll try and find out what’s up. A few things in her email didn’t feel very sincere, in fact. She’d even lied to our mutual friend about passing on an invitation from her to me, for a meal out they were arranging. No idea why she did it and I didn’t ask, cos I found out from someone else and knew she wouldn’t have a good excuse for it.
Those things on top of other things led me to end it - I did feel strong waves of regret and wondering if I did the right thing for a while afterward (we’d known each other 15 years), but after that settled, I felt at peace and I’m happier not talking to her now.
RoxanneToto is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Have Hope
MickeyCheeky
Legendary
 
MickeyCheeky's Avatar
MickeyCheeky My echo is the only voice coming back
 
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 11,817 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
38.4k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 19, 2021 at 09:23 AM
  #5
So Sorry to hear about this! Unfortunately it can happen that we lose touch with some Friends along the way as that is part of Life too. At the very least you can now rest partly assured that the Friends in your Life are people whom you can Trust. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Have Hope, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
MickeyCheeky is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Have Hope
Have Hope
Wise Elder
 
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
3,617 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 19, 2021 at 10:20 AM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by RoxanneToto View Post
It’s always disappointing to learn who isn’t really there for you and I’m sorry you had to cut them out. It will hurt but I think you will likely end up feeling better without them. I certainly hope so!
My ex friend (the one who didn’t talk to me for 7 months) told me she’d been worried something bad had happened to me /my mum - but never tried asking in all that time. I know if I’m concerned about someone I’ll try and find out what’s up. A few things in her email didn’t feel very sincere, in fact. She’d even lied to our mutual friend about passing on an invitation from her to me, for a meal out they were arranging. No idea why she did it and I didn’t ask, cos I found out from someone else and knew she wouldn’t have a good excuse for it.
Those things on top of other things led me to end it - I did feel strong waves of regret and wondering if I did the right thing for a while afterward (we’d known each other 15 years), but after that settled, I felt at peace and I’m happier not talking to her now.
@RoxanneToto, thank you. And I understand where you're coming from. I am feeling a bit hurt and disappointed by these two friends. But I'd rather not continue feeling hurt and disappointed by them, you know?

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Have Hope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
RoxanneToto
Have Hope
Wise Elder
 
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
3,617 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 19, 2021 at 10:21 AM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky View Post
So Sorry to hear about this! Unfortunately it can happen that we lose touch with some Friends along the way as that is part of Life too. At the very least you can now rest partly assured that the Friends in your Life are people whom you can Trust. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Have Hope, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
Thanks @MickeyCheeky!! You are 100% correct. Friendships can end and also ebb and flow.

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Have Hope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
sarcgeo
Member
 
sarcgeo's Avatar
sarcgeo has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2019
Location: California
Posts: 81
3 yr Member
11 hugs
given
Default Jan 19, 2021 at 05:35 PM
  #8
Have hope,

I have read several of your posts, but this one struck me. It is in our deepest, darkest moments that we discover our true friends and family support. Basically, it is just me and my cat right now. I have had numerous crying bouts on the floor and that has to be the most surreal experience. I only have 1 true friend, but he is too busy with his family to really assist me.

I have been going through literal hell on Earth and have been surfacing to keep myself alive to see the next day. No one has ever helped me and not one person will want to see me in my state. I guess there is not much one can do when someone is about to fall apart and crumble.

I have been through this before and I know eventually it will end. Nothing is permanent and eventually this will come to pass. Sadly, though you're right, most humans cannot help a human at their most vulnerable, fragile state. If I were to see a friend crying, I would offer a hug. Yet, with COVID as rampant as it has been, even a hug is probably asking for too much.

All I can offer is this....you must succeed and trust yourself to be your best friend.

--sarc
sarcgeo is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Have Hope, RoxanneToto
 
Thanks for this!
Have Hope
Have Hope
Wise Elder
 
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
3,617 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 20, 2021 at 05:17 AM
  #9
Quote:
Originally Posted by sarcgeo View Post
Have hope,

I have read several of your posts, but this one struck me. It is in our deepest, darkest moments that we discover our true friends and family support. Basically, it is just me and my cat right now. I have had numerous crying bouts on the floor and that has to be the most surreal experience. I only have 1 true friend, but he is too busy with his family to really assist me.

I have been going through literal hell on Earth and have been surfacing to keep myself alive to see the next day. No one has ever helped me and not one person will want to see me in my state. I guess there is not much one can do when someone is about to fall apart and crumble.

I have been through this before and I know eventually it will end. Nothing is permanent and eventually this will come to pass. Sadly, though you're right, most humans cannot help a human at their most vulnerable, fragile state. If I were to see a friend crying, I would offer a hug. Yet, with COVID as rampant as it has been, even a hug is probably asking for too much.

All I can offer is this....you must succeed and trust yourself to be your best friend.

--sarc
@sarcgeo, thank you for your post.

So true - you must be your own best friend. I do tend to lean on people when I am going through a rough patch. It's just who I am, and I need the support.

I am sorry you are going through your own hell. You sound like a very strong person though. Only the strongest can go through hell alone. I am not one of those people. I need people.

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Have Hope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Have Hope
Wise Elder
 
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
3,617 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jan 20, 2021 at 05:44 AM
  #10
I feel slightly guilty for cutting these two friends loose. Is it because they were long-term friends? Is it because I am not used to putting my needs first? It's true that I am not used to putting my needs first because of a narcissistic father.

I mean, with the one who had moved across country, when I told her I almost went to the hospital the other night, her only words were "this too shall pass"? I would have called my friend immediately had a good friend of mine told me that. It was so glib, so shallow. Her words fell on deaf ears and made no difference to me in my moment of need.

I shouldn't feel guilty for taking care of myself, but I do anyways.

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Have Hope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
RoxanneToto
Grand Poohbah
RoxanneToto has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2020
Location: England
Posts: 1,692
3 yr Member
6,991 hugs
given
Default Jan 20, 2021 at 12:16 PM
  #11
I think it is because you’re putting yourself first, and you weren’t getting what you needed (or the expected support) from these friendships. Time is also a factor, but it pays to keep the sunk cost fallacy in mind - years invested in a friendship doesn’t make one that’s run it’s course worth keeping.
RoxanneToto is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Have Hope
 
Thanks for this!
Have Hope
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 10:11 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.