Would you distance yourself from a friend in this situation?

I have a friend I've known for the past 3 years and we were really really close. During our friendship, this friend had a lot issues with other friends and would often complain to me that other people didn't really talk to them, took ages to reply to them but would reply on group chats, generally acted cold and uninterested, etc. Of course, it upset my friend a lot to be treated like this but I supported and comforted them a lot through it when they felt down. However, these past few months I've noticed my friend basically does the same thing to me. They will take nearly two days to reply to texts, but I will always see them talking to others in group chats posting on social media, etc and it hurts me because it's the same people they spent months complaining to me about that they are constantly talking to while being distant from me (I've mentioned a couple times I felt this way and things would change a little for maybe a week and then go back to the same, so then it felt like they were doing it out of obligation which made me a little uncomfortable).

What has sort of been the final straw is when my friend and I were recently supposed to stream a movie together but on the day they basically forgot, offered a justification and (what felt like) a half-heartedly apologized. I felt upset and unappreciated and so responded pretty bluntly, but then I felt guilty because I know my friend struggles with their mental health, so maybe they had been dealing with anxiety or depression and didn't want to talk or do anything. I apologized the next day for how I had replied and tried to open a conversation about how THEY were doing and if everything was okay, but I was kind of just shut down with an "its okay" response which made me uncomfortable then we didn't speak for around a month.

They then reached out with a "hey how are you" saying they missed me but with no acknowledgement of what had happened the last time we spoke. I replied and there was some small talk but again they took nearly two days to respond and I thought what was the point in even messaging me. Again then we didn't speak for a couple of weeks and they reached out again with just a picture of something I like but I didn't respond. I just didn't know what to do because since a month or two ago it's gotten to the point where I feel sick to my stomach with anxiety whenever they message me, I start shaking and I feel so uncomfortable-I noticed how much more peaceful I felt when I wasn't speaking to them, like, my anxiety just dropped a lot. I want to just distance myself, I don't want to talk to them. The thing is, I feel really guilty about this because they've been a really good friend to me in the past. I was going through something really rough recently and they were definitely there for me, but a couple weeks after they went back to slow replies just like before. I feel like I'm overreacting and also feel like I'm being a terrible friend for expecting so much from them. What if they're struggling? But at the same time, I feel like it's respectful to let a friend know if you're dealing with something (not necessarily giving details, just that you're not in the best place) so they can at least understand if someone doesn't reply. Is it selfish and entitled to think this way? Also, I feel like their flakiness has been an issue for a while but before it would just be little things like they would tell me they were going out to eat and would send me pics, or they bought cool stuff and would send me pics but...they never would and I would just be sat there waiting, so this also put me off wanting to share things with them. Then I guess they really flaked on me when they forgot about the movie.

I have seen how much time and effort this person makes for others e.g. if we are watching a movie together they spend the whole time pretty much texting other friends...so yeah I'm not sure. I;ve been for them through a lot too so it isn't like I'm just using them them throwing them away, but it also feels a little like I am. /:

It is not selfish OR entitled to think and feel this way. This person is not very responsive and is not giving you what you need and want in a friendship. Being there for you in the past doesn't relate to what this person is doing in the present moment. You say you feel better not being in touch with this person - keep it that way, is my suggestion. Follow how you feel. You don't want to be communicating with this person anymore, so don't. That's your right to choose. I understand the guilt, but you are NOT obligated to be in a friendship that you no longer want and which does not serve your needs. Let the friendship die, is my advice.

I’ve just ended a long term friendship for a few similar reasons (there was more to it but they were my main issues and she just wouldn’t put the effort in to help resolve them), e.g. she was on her phone a lot, playing games or we would watch YouTube videos on it. I think that’s ok if you want to show someone something you think they’d find interesting, but not to use it as a substitute for conversation.
Your friend sounds like they’re not that invested in friendship with you, and you’re perfectly within your rights to feel the way you do. It’s supposed to work both ways, not just one giving and the other taking/offering crumbs in return.
I can understand why you feel like backing off from them. Having no friend is always better than having one that takes you for granted.

i don't think you're selfish for wanting your friends to be more responsive. i'd suggest to be Honest with your friend and tell her that you don't feel like you're gaining much from this Friendship. i am So Sorry things aren't going that Well! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @cookiepie234, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Thank you for your advice, and you’re right that I can’t base everything off of the past if she’s isnt being the greatest to me in the present. So do you suggest I continue being silent to let the friendship die, rather than letting her know what’s up as I know people often debate ghosting vs communicating

Thank you I think it’s just, I’ve mentioned in the past that I feel distant from, and the at I sometimes feel like I’m annoying her but nothing really changes which is why I kind of just want to fade out

Thank you for your response do you think it’s okay for me to just fade out, as I don’t really want to bring this up to her or talk (I’ve already mentioned to her before that I have felt distant from her, and she doesn’t open to me about anything either)

Personally I think ghosting can be cruel, but it also depends on the person you're dealing with. I just deleted a long-term online friend from my Skype, so I basically just ghosted her. But we had never met in person and she, like your friend, was very unresponsive to me.

What I personally would do is stop initiating any contact with this person, and let it naturally die out and fizzle. When or if she reaches out to you, you can delay your responses for a long time - like a week or more - and be just as unresponsive, and then be very brief. But don't reach out at all to her. It should naturally die out that way, I would think! She'll get the hint eventually.

Thank you so much for this I agree with ghosting being awful-I’ve never done it before and I was feeling really guilty thinking that I had just ghosted this friend by ignoring her last Text, but I suppose since we had already gone a month without speaking, then a couple of messages then another couple of weeks without speaking, it wasn’t really ghosting. And if she reached out actually asking what was wrong, I would be open to communicating with her.

Thank you again

It's concerning how upset and emotionally challenged you get from what you shared. It was nice of you to comfort this individual when she was struggling with how the individuals in this group were behaving. The thing about connecting with others is that each person will be a little bit different in how they engage with others. Not everyone is going to fit your expectations of what you believe qualifies as a good friend. Actually, if you sit and think about your friend's complaints and how she talked about these other individuals, you will start to see what this person did not know how to handle or manage. In fact she is STILL showing you what she doesn't know. So ask yourself why would you get so upset with someone who doesn't know certain "how to's"? And why do you put your own value in the hands of someone that doesn't even know to care or navigate in a way that has the ability to value you or give you the attention you like?

When someone shows you who they are BELIEVE THEM. This relationship you experienced showed you the skill level this other person has, some only have a certain amount of skills and this is what this individual showed you. You CAN learn to be selective when it comes to interacting with others based on their behavior towards you. And what I mean by that includes being selective when it comes to understanding how that other person can appreciate you and reciprocate with genuine thoughtfulness.

Some individuals catastrophize constantly and that kind of individual can become high maintenance. Truth is, it can get so when X gets involved with anything that presents as a challenge, that person begins catastrophizing and having meltdowns and tends to fill a space with themselves pretty much pushing all others aside. Unless you have the ability to be constantly on call no matter what, then this kind of person isn't one you want to have in your orbit. This type of individual doesn't even "know" how draining they can be and mostly tend to be impulsive and only able to be in their own moment of catastrophie. If you fail to service their needs, they are very likely to blow up and catastrophize that too. Allowing yourself to feel bad when that happens isn't being fair to yourself and sometimes people actually do feel bad or rejected when often it's best for them to let go and find someone who has more ability to see they are genuinely dealing with big challenges of their own and can't be at the beckon call with every little catastrophy. I am just using that as one example of paying attention and believing this is a draining type individual and it's not your failing if you can't manage this type of individual. This type of individual needs you to sit with all their problems, and may at least acknowledge you but not in a meaningful way. That never means you don't deserve to have a caring friend or that you failed as a person when this kind of person distances and engages elsewhere.

This ghosting that people talk about experiencing? Well, that can mean someone is very busy and dealing with challenges and simply can't sit with you the way you want. This individual may be engaging in that group, yet it's very possible that she just wanted to find a way to do that better and isn't the kind that can maintain the relationship you experienced from her when you were helping her one on one.

Some people are VERY self centered and need a lot of attention. It doesn't MATTER how you feel, what matters is the AUDIENCE you provide for them. These individuals are often quite cold unless they are warm because you are tending to them as their audience. It's either their pitty party or their celebration, yet, it IS all about them.

Well, this did make me think a lot, thank you.

Does it sound like I'm being a high maintenance friend? I didn't think of it like that ( it's not that I expect her to be at my beck and call, of course not, and I try my hardest to be there through her problems as well. It's just difficult when she doesn't tell me that she's dealing with something and maybe needs space, and it just seems that she's inconsistent. /:

Well, from what you shared it sounded like you were the one listening to her complaints a lot for a while. It might just be that this individual isn't one that can stay engaged with others for a long period. Maybe it's too much effort for her due to her bouts of depression. I just offered a few examples of different behaviors that present that may not be ideal for the kind of friendship that would be healthy for you. My concern was how you are expressing your unworthiness and self blaming.

I know for myself, I do try to sit with others the best way I can. I try to listen and be caring but I am never going to be perfect. There can be so many things about that other person that may make it challenging too. Sometimes a person just isn't available in what I might consider normal too. Often for myself, I had to learn for example that both my husband and my older brother don't have the attention span to sit and listen for very long. It's just they are wired and they get very distracted. I already know I can't expect more than they can give and it's not me, it's just how they are as people.

Are these individuals that you interact with mostly online?

Oh okay, I understand what you’re saying now

I understand everyone is different and I have definitely listened to her problems a lot, but I know she’s been there for me too. For now, I do agree it makes me feel very unimportant and unworthy which isn’t healthy, but I also wonder if I’m overreacting.

The most frustrating thing is just not knowing what’s up. I, too, have bouts of depression and won’t speak to anyone for a day or two (and I have done this to my friend before) but when I come I will tell her what was up and why I went MIA. From her, ive never heard an apology or any kind of explanation that could be causing her unresponsive, coupled with her bailing on me and kind of barely apologising, it feels awful.

Yes our communication is all online because of COVID. We used to hang out a lot in person though, but she moved away. She offered to visit recently but then just stopped mentioning that. Of course it was probably because of the worsening of the virus and tighter restrictions but she didn’t say this, just...stopped offering to visit

You're welcome.

Just do what is right for YOU in this situation. Ghosting is definitely very hurtful.
You can be gentle and kind and fade away without ghosting and without hurting her terribly.

From what you wrote above, she does not sound considerate of other people's feelings when she disappears. You are considerate and inform people of why you've disappeared for a couple days.

I find that I need friends who are on the same level as me - if they are not, they are not a good friend of mine.

I think I will fade out slowly :/ and because she's already constantly taken a while to reply to me, and we went a month without speaking, then another couple of weeks without speaking, I guess it isn't really ghosting. It's definitely built up to this and I can see how unbothered she is. Even when she apologised it was one of those "i'm sorry you feel that way, but..." kind of apologies

Whenever the words "I'm sorry you feel that way" are said, the person is not taking ownership of their actions, and they're not truly apologizing. True apologies start with the words, "I'm sorry I hurt you".. or "I'm sorry for doing that. I will not do that again in the future".

And whenever those words are followed by the word, "but", it means they're excusing their actions.

I think you're doing the right thing. You will feel far better without this person weighing you down.

Yes, I would distance myself.

How many chances can you give someone. You mentioned it to them before, they change then go back to blanking you.

There is no need to feel guilty. A friend would not ignore you while speaking to other people on social media (or wherever). Even if they were struggling, a true friend would tell you 'hey, i need to take some time out for self-care' but not just ghost you and be so inconsistent and hot and cold with you.

I don't see that as the mark of a true friend.

This is true, if she had told me she was going through something I would understand. Plus, I feel like her forgetting our plans, bailing, not offering to reschedule says a lot about the distance between us even if she was a good friend to me

I am sorry you are dealing with this.

Relationships and friendships have to be reciprocal/ give and take in order to survive. Sadly some people either don’t know how to give or don't care enough. When they need others to listen to their complaints they are first in line, but when they have to show their consideration for others, they just aren’t capable. They are takers. Some people also like to monopolize every conversation and situation and make everything about themselves. They simply aren’t able or willing to comprehend anything that is not about them. They don’t want to bother listening to other people if it’s not about them. They’d only listen briefly if they see that they can grab it and make it about themselves. Otherwise they’d not bother. Then they are surprised why people distance themselves from them and why they have no one left. I am sure you aren’t the only one feeling this way about your friend. That’s likely why people have issues with her

You are within your rights not to maintain this kind of friendship.