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Member Since Apr 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 43
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#1
My fiancé at the time and I were trying to have a baby for years with no luck, we weren’t doing well and she cheated and got pregnant by accident with protection with one try. Now she’s having his baby but still wants to be with me and he will be in the picture to some extent..... this is my only chance for a family with the women I love but I don’t know what to do... help 😞
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never. happy
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#2
Leave her before you lose your dignity. That's just one step from drowning.
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Aardwolf, leomama, Molinit, RoxanneToto, Turtle_Rider, Zipper dog
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
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#3
Whoa - that is really messed up. Why would you do that to yourself?
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Zipper dog
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#4
That is up to you to decide, but personally i feel like she did a bad thing. Please do consider what to do. So Sorry you are in this predictament. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Yourself, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Zipper dog
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Magnate
Member Since Sep 2013
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#5
How is your relationship going now? Have you both worked it out e.g. what if your relationship goes through another rough patch, will infidelity be on the cards (for either one of you?)
Does she love you? Is she regretful re her infidelity? If so, it could work. |
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Member
Member Since Apr 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 43
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#6
It’s a tough spot to be in for sure, we are on speaking terms and so want to figure something out. We still love each other, as much as we can right now anyway, and want to work out something at the very least. But the guy that got her pregnant is not an great guy and definitely won’t be leaving her alone ever and will probably make life harder for no real reason. She says she doesn’t want his baby but she does want a baby, and she is worried that aborting this one due to health problems she won’t ever get another chance... also I’m unable as well so this really is the only way we were ever going to have a family but I don’t know if this will be worth the heart break and soul crushing realizations....
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Wise Elder
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Location: Eastern, USA
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#7
What you have to ask yourself is: how are you going to handle seeing this baby every single day, knowing that the baby is not yours, but was born from an infidelity with another man? Are you going to be able to accept this heart wrenching reality, and still love your fiance and the baby, or are you going to feel bitterness and be in turmoil over it on a daily basis?
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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lizardlady
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Member
Member Since Apr 2015
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#8
Honestly, I don’t know, the arts what I’m struggling with. I keep bouncing back and forth, but without me she will be a single mother and I don’t want that for her. But also yes I don’t know if I could ever be ok with the situation being a constant reminder that not only is it not my kid but it never will be...
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Have Hope
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MsLady
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#9
Ton of men raise children who aren’t theirs biologically and they don’t love them any less. People love adopted children just the same. My grandfather raised my mom as his but she wasn’t biologically his. But he was the only father
The issue is if you raise this child as yours but biological father comes back in to the picture and demands his rights. Does this man want to be a father to this child? Sadly you might not be a father if he wants to take that role |
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Zipper dog
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RoxanneToto, splion, Werewoman
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Magnate
Member Since Sep 2013
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#10
It won't be easy but as long as you and your wife love each other, stand as a united front and set good boundaries, he should not be able to mess things up
It's a matter of deciding what you both want. It is worth thinking hard about it, even getting counselling if need be. My concern is having a baby just because of a sense of urgency or desperation. Have a baby because you both genuinely just want a baby and want to love a baby... not because you may not be able to conceive if this one is terminated. |
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Kozel, RoxanneToto
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#11
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RoxanneToto
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#12
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Werewoman
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Kozel, Rive., Werewoman
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Grand Poohbah
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#13
I don’t think you can love someone and cheat on them, sorry. Many couples do stay together after infidelity, but I’ve yet to hear of any who are genuinely happy and get the level of trust they had, back. It’s still up to the OP to decide, of course, but I think staying is going to hurt him more than leaving in the long run.
What you say about people raising/loving their non biological children is true, nonetheless. But obviously it’s the circumstances surrounding the child here that will be the biggest issue. |
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Have Hope, Yourself
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#14
Quote:
Ultimately it’s up to him if he wants to stay or go etc |
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Kozel
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Member Since Apr 2015
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#15
No we aren’t having his baby just because, after years of trying I discovered I can’t have kids. We are talking and trying to figure something out because this is now the only way we can have what we’ve always wanted. I do love her and she does love me, life just dealt us ****** cards and I really want to make the best of the situation... but obviously there’s going to be a ton of work to do and a lifetime of uneasiness about the future...
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Wise Elder
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Location: Eastern, USA
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#16
@Yourself,
This does not sit right with me. But I am not you, and it's completely up to you to decide what's best. I personally would not be comfortable raising a child that was conceived by an infidelity. And I agree with the person above. Infidelity usually signifies dissatisfaction or problems in the relationship. People in love and happy do not cheat. Are the problems being brushed under the rug in this situation or did you resolve what the issue was that caused the infidelity? What was the reason for her cheating on you? And how do you feel about the infidelity now? I do wonder how you're going to handle telling the grown child who its true father is and how the baby was conceived? How will that go over for a child? __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes Last edited by Have Hope; Jan 24, 2021 at 05:09 AM.. |
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Magnate
Member Since Sep 2013
Posts: 2,016
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#17
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Werewoman, Yourself
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#18
“True”father is the one who will be raising him. Simply having sex doesn’t make one true father. If the biological father plans to be in the picture then the kid will know who the biological father is. This kid might have two men caring for him or one or none. For all we know bio father might have zero interest in raising a child and might not care for his parental rights whatsoever.
If the bio father is out of the picture eventually the kid will learn that he is raised by the father who might not be his biological. It is not uncommon. There is way more to parenting than having sex and reproducing. How the child is conceived typically isn’t something extremely meaningful compare to how the child is raised. It’s off topic but statistically and historically men often don’t object raising children that might not be theirs. Many suspect and they often might not be fathers but they feel for these children just the same as they were theirs. They are not “products of infidelity” but are human beings. I am very involved with a community of blended families so I speak from experience Not saying he must stay with the family but he already knows the child isn’t biologically his. So his decision will be informed one Last edited by divine1966; Jan 24, 2021 at 12:45 PM.. Reason: Edit to remove a quote and make a post stand alone to reflect my personal opinion |
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Yourself
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Werewoman
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Wise Elder
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#19
@divine1966, I don't understand why you're responding to my post which directed to the OP, but since you responded to me, my concerns are for the child and for the OP's own sentiments regarding the infidelity. I personally would not feel comfortable with it, but this has nothing to do with me and is about the OP's own comfort level with it.
And the biological father is the real father. Just because one is raised by a step father, doesn't make him the real father. it would be up to the child's own perspective on the matter. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#20
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PS It’s done. I don’t want to do anything against guidelines. |
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